I don't talk to Aggressives

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snake_monkey

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I had my head bashed into the cement ground repeatedly when I was still in high school I can’t remember three days of my life. Other incidents on top of that. I’m sorry I lashed out a bit here
 

pdg

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I see a skunk or a raccoon on the street and I run the other way if I don’t have a stick. I don’t believe people are as civilized in today’s society as most would appear to be so a 5’9 175# human coming close to me and I’m unarmed? You best believe I have my guards up. Headhunter I liked your constructive comment. Others have posted just complete judgments and plus I get extremely defensive on the intranets sometimes.

I'm not exactly huge (5'10" and sub 155) and plenty of people much bigger than me come near me all the time. And I'm never armed.

I'm not paranoid either, so I don't instantly jump on guard...


Oh, and an intranet is a private network that may or may not be connected to the internet - so you're defensive in private?
 
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snake_monkey

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I'm not exactly huge (5'10" and sub 155) and plenty of people much bigger than me come near me all the time. And I'm never armed.

I'm not paranoid either, so I don't instantly jump on guard...


Oh, and an intranet is a private network that may or may not be connected to the internet - so you're defensive in private?

Thanks for clarifying that even though I was just trying to make things a bit lighter in here with some jokes but I get it. However if you are trying to make some kind of point that makes you appear ‘better’ than me it is not appreciated.
 

Martial D

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I just mentioned previously that when someone comes into my space ‘aggressively’ I may not react in a ‘nice’ way. I wouldnt say that I have a chip on my shoulder but when I feel threatened or if my space is violated intentionally I may have a reaction due to the amount of times I’ve been hurt and bullied.
Yes but in your scenario you escalate at every step, which seems to be the opposite of your stated intent.
 

Monkey Turned Wolf

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Not a keyboard warrior. Dont feel like going theough my situation again, but simply put im smaller than you and have spent time in bad areas. Still do but in a different role. I used to get people who would be aggressive towards me, but when i changed my habits that doesn't really happen anymore.

And its not about worrying about the other guys feelings. It's about not pissing someone off, which could lead to a confrontation, when theres a simple way to not piss them off, that takes little to no extra effort.
 
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snake_monkey

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Am I escalating or matching the energy? Honest question. The thing was eventually de-escalated so I would argue that I didn’t escalate, but that I matched. Its my first time posting about this stuff and it’s not easy fyi. Thanks

Yes but in your scenario you escalate at every step, which seems to be the opposite of your stated intent.
 

pdg

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Am I escalating or matching the energy? Honest question. The thing was eventually de-escalated so I would argue that I didn’t escalate, but that I matched. Its my first time posting about this stuff and it’s not easy fyi. Thanks

From the description given it appears that you escalated.

But even if you 'matched', that's rarely a good plan either, because then it becomes a natural escalation through contest.
 

Martial D

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Am I escalating or matching the energy? Honest question. The thing was eventually de-escalated so I would argue that I didn’t escalate, but that I matched. Its my first time posting about this stuff and it’s not easy fyi. Thanks
Guy asks for something.

What do you need.

Choose to help him or not.

Remaining polite the whole time.

That's how it goes for most people.
 
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snake_monkey

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Good points thanks for clarifying that. I’m not one to bring ‘energy’ into discussion but yeah I didn’t clarify that his approach seemed aggressive to me. People do this thing where it’s like they make it unavoidable to talk or just go on your way even if you are polite about it. I’m sure someone here has experienced this sometime.
 

Headhunter

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Am I escalating or matching the energy? Honest question. The thing was eventually de-escalated so I would argue that I didn’t escalate, but that I matched. Its my first time posting about this stuff and it’s not easy fyi. Thanks
You were extremely lucky it didn't. Obviously the guy didn't really want to fight. If you acted like that towards someone who's drunk or drugged up and looking for trouble they'd probably have punched you at about the 3rd or 4th stage. There's no need to match anything just avoid getting into a ego match
 

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Person I do not know - 'Can I ask you a favor?'
Me - Sure, whats up
Person I do not know - I need/ can I have/ Could you ____.
Me - I am sorry I would really like to help but I have to/need to go to/I don't have____.
Person I do not know-Ok, thanks anyway

Eventually the person ask someone else/walks away.

9 out of 10 conversations work out like this when ever someone asks me for a favor.
 

Monkey Turned Wolf

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Am I escalating or matching the energy? Honest question. The thing was eventually de-escalated so I would argue that I didn’t escalate, but that I matched. Its my first time posting about this stuff and it’s not easy fyi. Thanks
If someone's looking for a fight, then matching their energy is escalating. If you start at a 3 and they start at a 5 in aggression, you match it and raise yours to a 5. They feel it moving up and they up their own to a 7. Now you have to decide if you want to match it again or not. If you do, now you're at a 7 which is high enough for him to decide a fights in order. What's cool is, if you start at a 3 and he's at a 5, if you see his 5 and change your own aggressio. To a 2 (or even 2.5) a lot of times the other guy doesnt know how to react and it just dissipates his energy/aggression. It blew my mind the first time I saw that in action, I honestly didn't believe it would work.

Do you mean it's not easy deescalating, or not easy posting about it? Either way, i agree until you get used to it.
 
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snake_monkey

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Do you mean it's not easy deescalating, or not easy posting about it? Either way, i agree until you get used to it.

I meant it’s not easy for me to post about it, but I also agree that it can be difficult to de-escalate certain situations. Thanks for your input.
 
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snake_monkey

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I really appreciate the Self-defense advice, as I work almost adjacent to one of the most dangerous places on Earth..The current 'State of Affairs' is not always on the bright side in the Heart o' the Midwest...I will try to glean the positive in all scenarios and I pray to increase my ability to learn. Thank you for the constructive comments and support.
 

gpseymour

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So now I have to take care of another stranger’s feelings who is being a bully to me while I try to mind my own business? You both may be right about my tone and wording, but if was easy for me to be polite when I have been bullied and don’t want to take any more plus I consider my personal space to be important to me so when that is violated I take it as an act of aggresssion and I do not consider ‘being polite’ as necessary. I am more concerned with not getting injured due to letting my guard down.
Part of Emotional Intelligence is understanding how your own actions contribute to situations. If you don't want a situation to become adversarial, then, yes, you have to consider the feelings of others. There are actions that can predictably make a situation more adversarial. Avoiding those actions is one way to reduce aggression by others.

As for bullying, I'm not sure I see the bullying in someone asking if you can do a favor.
 

gpseymour

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I just mentioned previously that when someone comes into my space ‘aggressively’ I may not react in a ‘nice’ way. I wouldnt say that I have a chip on my shoulder but when I feel threatened or if my space is violated intentionally I may have a reaction due to the amount of times I’ve been hurt and bullied.
Could it be that you perceive aggression where it doesn't exist?
 
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snake_monkey

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After reading over a bit, I would like to share another experience of mine:

One person approached me and was leaning in close and coughing. He apologized if he made me uncomfortable. He asked for money, and we discussed his situation. I divulged some information for him. I said that I am a street performer looking for percussionists. I said that I can't offer him money but I can offer him a position for work. He didn't seem interested and left.
 

gpseymour

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Also, how many of those that comment here live in a crowded city with so many shelters closing down due to lack of funding and other issues that cause people to live on the streets and approach people aggressively for panhandling or other reasons. How many of those people are violent and unpredictable? I am just trying to stay balanced through all of this and you do not know what issues I deal with personally or on what level I deal with them and please do not ask as I am not willing to discuss personal issues here. It’s easy for you as a martial artist keyboard warriors to make judgements but yeah I’m working things out and just looking here for some advice and discussion not to be judged but judge away and I will delete this thread. Sounds like a have a chip on my shoulder well maybe I do but is that wrong? I’m just sharing, I’m sure you are not perfect in every part of your life but I’m not judging.
You're right, we don't know what issues you deal with. But remember that neither does the person addressing you on the street. If you respond aggressively or dismissively, you may inadvertently escalate a situation. Try to see what it looks like (and feels like) from the other person's perspective - including the things they cannot know about you at the time. There's nothing inherently "wrong" about having a chip on your shoulder, but it serves you well to acknowledge the effect that has on your actions, and how others are likely to respond to those actions.
 

gpseymour

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Good points thanks for clarifying that. I’m not one to bring ‘energy’ into discussion but yeah I didn’t clarify that his approach seemed aggressive to me. People do this thing where it’s like they make it unavoidable to talk or just go on your way even if you are polite about it. I’m sure someone here has experienced this sometime.
Let me try to draw some conclusions from what you posted. Let's say this guy came up looking shifty, like maybe he's trying to scam for some money. (That's not usually aggressive, but we might have some differences of usage here, creating confusion.) Yeah, you might rightly feel you don't want to deal with what he's doing. But the response you used is likely to lead many people (probably most) to feel offended, which is opposite to your aims (offended people rarely just leave you alone).

See what I'm saying about how your reaction affects the next step in the chain? Without that initial dismissive "no", you might have avoided the rest of the confrontation.
 
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