Dear John/Jane letters&active duty

donald

Black Belt
Joined
Jan 12, 2002
Messages
565
Reaction score
3
Location
Lake County,Ohio
Has anyone seen the letters in the Dear Abby column of your paper lately? I rarely read these letters, but every now & then a heading catches my eye. There is a question from one of her readers that basically says. Is it okay to break up with her boyfriend/fiance while he is serving in Iraq? Is it just me, or is that a really bad idea? Since this letter was printed. She(Ms.VanBruen)has received alot of responses. Both for, and against this idea. I know there are alot of current, and former military members on this forum. What is your OPINION of this?
By GOD's Grace,
 

SFC JeffJ

Grandmaster
MTS Alumni
Joined
Mar 15, 2006
Messages
9,141
Reaction score
43
Of course it's OK to break up while her boyfriend is deployed. It sucks when it happens (know this from personal experience), but someone shouldn't have to put their life on hold till the person gets back. Of course my knee jerk reaction to her would be less than kind.

Jeff
 

crushing

Grandmaster
Joined
Dec 31, 2005
Messages
5,082
Reaction score
134
When I was in the Army I heard of some pretty nasty methods that girlfriends and even wives have used to show they didn't want to continue to be in the relationship with their deployed significant other anymore. Someone writing Dear Abby for advice probably isn't as bad as those stories.

While it sucks and can be heartbreaking, I think the service member should understand that a person that lacks the understanding and patience and won't wait for him probably isn't the one worth coming home to anyway, and that he can find someone better.
 

SFC JeffJ

Grandmaster
MTS Alumni
Joined
Mar 15, 2006
Messages
9,141
Reaction score
43
When I was in the Army I heard of some pretty nasty methods that girlfriends and even wives have used to show they didn't want to continue to be in the relationship with their deployed significant other anymore. Someone writing Dear Abby for advice probably isn't as bad as those stories.

While it sucks and can be heartbreaking, I think the service member should understand that a person that lacks the understanding and patience and won't wait for him probably isn't the one worth coming home to anyway, and that he can find someone better.
That's the truth, and what I was thinking. Course I didn't so much get a Dear John letter as much as seperation papers.
 

exile

To him unconquered.
Lifetime Supporting Member
MTS Alumni
Joined
Sep 7, 2006
Messages
10,665
Reaction score
250
Location
Columbus, Ohio
That's the truth, and what I was thinking. Course I didn't so much get a Dear John letter as much as seperation papers.

:( Jeff, my heart goes out to you, that that happened... but from your other posts, it sounds like you did great in the end! :)
 

hemi

Purple Belt
Joined
May 6, 2005
Messages
392
Reaction score
3
Location
Forney TX
In my opinion yes, like others have said it sucks getting a Dear John, but I would want to know and too move on. (This is terrible but especially if I was TDY to some place like Australia). During the last two years of my enlistment I worked crazy hours. And to make a long story short lets just say my Ex Wife is now the wife of someone in my old squadron.
 

Kacey

Sr. Grandmaster
MTS Alumni
Joined
Jan 3, 2006
Messages
16,462
Reaction score
227
Location
Denver, CO
I've been reading the columns, and some of the responses were very interesting. The responses from enlisted personnel all say "wait until the person returns", but the ones from senior ranks say "tell the chain of command so we can watch out for the person". I can see both sides... I don't think there is a good time - during deployment or after - to tell someone who is deployed you want to break up.
 

arnisador

Sr. Grandmaster
MTS Alumni
Joined
Aug 28, 2001
Messages
44,563
Reaction score
441
Location
Terre Haute, IN
I have always thought that it was a much fairer thing to wait until the person returns. Having to get divorced--let alone try to reconcile--from Iraq is much too hard. I don't have much respect for someone who would do this to a deployed soldier, especially is he or she is in a hot zone. But, every case is different. I can imagine the case of a woman who was abused and felt more able to proceed when the person was out of the country. But to just find someone new while the spouse is in combat, or even just stationed abroad? That's low budget.
 

CoryKS

Senior Master
Joined
Aug 30, 2006
Messages
4,403
Reaction score
183
Location
Olathe, KS
I've seen some ugly breakups. A buddy's stateside wife ran up the credit cards, moved in with her boyfriend, and wrote a letter to let him know that she was pregnant with the boyfriend's baby. He was in Saudi Arabia during the first Gulf War at the time.

If a separation has to be made, do it right. Don't hook up with someone before you've made the split, and don't leave a mess in your absence for the other person to clean up. Beyond that, one consideration I would suggest regarding service members is that you don't tell them the reason for separation is because they are "gone all the time". That is beyond their control and, unless your SO enlisted while you were a couple, you knew that was a risk when you got together.
 

MA-Caver

Sr. Grandmaster
MT Mentor
Joined
Aug 21, 2003
Messages
14,960
Reaction score
312
Location
Chattanooga, TN
Exactly, as I've been raised and from my experiences of seeing people in the military that are in relationships with non-military persons, if you're married then you're in it for the long haul... what part of the vows that said: "For better, for worse" didn't they understand? Why did they get married in the first place? For love? Was it really love or was it just overwhelming lust that they translated to love? Then come find out that the SO is going to be gone for months and even years at a time because their JOB calls them to do so and they feel that they can't wait or are going to be "too lonely" then they need to re-evaluate what "love is".
I can see that it is indeed unfair to decide: "Well, I can't wait another 8 months for them to come home..." and decide to break it off/divorce. It's distracting to those who are serving overseas and especially dangerous to those who are in a "hot-zone" because their minds are NOT on their jobs where an insergent might be waiting around the next corner... their minds are on the SO 10,000 miles away doing god knows what with god knows whom!
If they were BF/GF then a break up is to be expected, I would think. If they're engaged then that's more of a committment and the SO back home needs to either find distractions for their loneliness or re-evaluate themselves and their reasons for wanting to be with that person.
It's hard enough to keep a bullet out of your head when you're in a hot-zone, harder still to keep a bullet out of your head when you're not fully paying attention to what's going on because you're wondering what she/he is doing back home. It's one of the things that helps soldiers want to stay alive because they know they got something to look forward to when their tour is over. Take that away and then what? Another possible casualty.
 

matt.m

Senior Master
Joined
May 16, 2006
Messages
2,521
Reaction score
121
Location
St. Louis
Marriage is for better or worse. So if the person doesn't want to go the long haul while the other is on deployment then that says something right there.
 

terryl965

<center><font size="2"><B>Martial Talk Ultimate<BR
MTS Alumni
Joined
Apr 9, 2004
Messages
41,259
Reaction score
338
Location
Grand Prairie Texas
Although it suck it is always better to be true yourself and not lead anybody down the wrong path. Life is so strang people won't break up because of the childern or I have been with my spouse so long I can't live without them. I would rather be told and come home and find out withen moment that it is over.
 

SFC JeffJ

Grandmaster
MTS Alumni
Joined
Mar 15, 2006
Messages
9,141
Reaction score
43
Talk about coincidence, it was 13 years ago this month that I got those papers. Whoohooo!

Jeff
 

bushi jon

Green Belt
Joined
Aug 20, 2003
Messages
133
Reaction score
4
Location
south bend
Hey I go my Dear John letter in person. Yeah it was on my 40th birthday this August. I just simply said thanks for the gift and then went on the best vacation of my life with my boys. Never give a service member a dear John letter during combat it will get them killed!!!!!
 
OP
D

donald

Black Belt
Joined
Jan 12, 2002
Messages
565
Reaction score
3
Location
Lake County,Ohio
Thanks to everyone for their replies. I am not really looking for the answer based on purely morals. It just strikes me as very cold hearted. Its pretty apparent. That the breaker's commitment to the soldier. Was shallow at best, and that their capacity for compassion shallower still. Speaking from a personal standpoint. My marriage was rocky from beginning to end, but when she finally left for good, it still hurt,ALOT... I blamed myself for a good part of the mess, and probably rightly, at least in part. I just can't imagine going through something like that. In as stressful a situation as combat.
By GOD's Grace,
 
Top