Dealing with your temper...

[geezer]

Over on the Wing Chun forum, Mook Jong Man commented on how he got pretty ticked off at some wanker who visited one of his classes. He also remarked that after a long time in the martial arts, he still has a hot temper that's tough to control. His solution is to take it out on the heavy bag.

I certainly sympathise, since I also struggle to control my temper at times. People often say that the Martial Arts are supposed to help you gain self control and discipline. On the other hand, as one friend of mine put it, "That's all BS. There's no place easier to find a fight than where guys are hanging out around the restrooms at a big tournement." How about the rest of you? Has Martial Arts training really helped you control your temper? Or has it just made you better at kicking butt after "loosing it"?

 

[CoryKS]

It hasn't really helped me control my temper, per se. But I have noticed a reduction in the number of things that make me angry.

I used to have a debilitating fear of looking foolish in public which led me to avoid trying a lot of new things, and when I couldn't avoid them I would get frustrated and assume that everyone was laughing at me. A lot of my anger was built on this foundation.

What MA has helped me to do is to approach a new situation as a beginner, to acknowledge that I have no idea what I am doing, and to laugh at my mistakes. Basically, to enjoy the process of learning.

That said, I'm still a hardcore roadrager. Someone tailgating me on the highway brings down the red curtain of blood faster than anything else. I am still working on this.

 

[Tez3]

It hasn't really helped me control my temper, per se. But I have noticed a reduction in the number of things that make me angry.

I used to have a debilitating fear of looking foolish in public which led me to avoid trying a lot of new things, and when I couldn't avoid them I would get frustrated and assume that everyone was laughing at me. A lot of my anger was built on this foundation.

What MA has helped me to do is to approach a new situation as a beginner, to acknowledge that I have no idea what I am doing, and to laugh at my mistakes. Basically, to enjoy the process of learning.

That said, I'm still a hardcore roadrager. Someone tailgating me on the highway brings down the red curtain of blood faster than anything else. I am still working on this.

That makes my other half absolutely furious! he rants and I'm sure his blood pressure goes up, I can't see why he doesn't just touch his foot on the brake so that the brakelights come on and make the guy pull up a bit, it really doesn't bother me but he chunters on long after the offending car has gone or we are at home. We've actually had fallings out about it!

 

[Bill Mattocks]

I think getting older brings a certain perspective. I was once somewhat hot-headed, but I really don't think that's generally true anymore.

I also consider it as a battle. Not one that I always win, but I try.

If someone or something can 'make' me angry, then that person or thing has power over me. They win, I lose. Simple as that.

If someone says something to me that is designed to make me mad, and I refuse to give them that victory by getting mad, then I win. They control what they say or do, but *I* control how I choose to perceive it and how I chose to react to it.

Someone cuts me off on the highway? I figure they're a menace, they're going to kill someone, and I don't want that someone to be me. I also consider what possible good would come from getting angry or retaliating. In what possible scenario would I *win*? I can think of plenty of tragic outcomes, including tragic for me or innocent people, but I can think of no outcomes that would benefit me. So I relax, let them in, and forget about it. Life is way too short for me to get ticked off over small things like that.

With regard to martial arts, most of us know that one of the keys to competition or sparring or self-defense is to make your opponent believe something and react to it. If an opponent tried to make you lose your temper, hoping you would react badly, you'd probably see through it and not let him get your goat. So what's different about everyday life?

Rule #1: Don't sweat the small stuff.
Rule #2: It's all small stuff.

 

[Xue Sheng]

Over on the Wing Chun forum, Mook Jong Man commented on how he got pretty ticked off at some wanker who visited one of his classes. He also remarked that after a long time in the martial arts, he still has a hot temper that's tough to control. His solution is to take it out on the heavy bag.

I certainly sympathise, since I also struggle to control my temper at times. People often say that the Martial Arts are supposed to help you gain self control and discipline. On the other hand, as one friend of mine put it, "That's all BS. There's no place easier to find a fight than where guys are hanging out around the restrooms at a big tournement." How about the rest of you? Has Martial Arts training really helped you control your temper? Or has it just made you better at kicking butt after "loosing it"?

Actually I find that when I train it like I am suppose to it helps me control my temper rather well and the longer I train it the more I am noticing it lately.

 

[just2kicku]

I have found ways of controlling my temper. I just don't let things get to me as much. I figure why get an ulcer over something that really doesn't affect me that much.

I used to be the guy that if you cut me off then flipped me off, I'd catch you at a stoplight and rip you out of your car, but why? It just doesn't make sense to me anymore. I used to think that if you fractured one of my ribs, but I broke three of yours, I win. Never mind it still takes just as long to heal and hurts like hell.

I don't know if it's just getting older, or my way of thinking has changed, but sometimes it's a hard thing to keep in check. That's not to say I'm not willing to throwdown if the need arises, but like smoking, drinking or anything else it just doesn't happen overnight. Took me a while to get it in check.

 

[JadeDragon3]

No it hasn't helped me with my temper at all. I have a very bad temper and when I loose it I feel that I have to hit something. I get this rush/high when I feel the pain from hitting something solid. I've tried hitting a heavy bag but it just isn't the same. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything unless I feel the pain. I know that sounds crazy. Does anyone else get that feeling?

 

[CoryKS]

I don't know if it's just getting older, or my way of thinking has changed, but sometimes it's a hard thing to keep in check. That's not to say I'm not willing to throwdown if the need arises, but like smoking, drinking or anything else it just doesn't happen overnight. Took me a while to get it in check.

It's interesting that you make the analogy to drinking or smoking. I actually took an anger management class a few years back, which helped immensely. As I described the sensation to her, it occurred to me that I actually enjoyed the process of growing angry; that as the situation played out I found myself rising to meet it. She said that anger can become an addiction similar to drinking or drugs. From my experience, drinking was an easier addiction to quit (and that was pretty damn hard).

I have made some progress on the road, mostly by avoiding temptation. I stay to the right, maintain the consensus speed limit (what everyone is driving, as opposed to what is posted on the sign), and when someone approaches from behind I try to get over before they get the chance to push my button. Occasionally, despite all this, somebody decides to ride my *** and I do some breathing or NLP exercise. It works more often than not these days, but when it fails, it fails in an epic manner.

 

[crushing]

I had a really nasty temper when I was young. My Mom was afraid that someday I was going to go off on someone and someone would end up hurt. I'm much more calm and patient now. I think it was my service in the US Army that helped me develop that patience. At my first permanent duty assignment I had a dumb-as-a-rock CO and a Top with Napoleon complex and Platoon sergeants willing to do anything to please and rate well on their NCOER, well. . . many of us became very patient. The ones that weren't so patient ended up with Article 15s.

 

[Nolerama]

All of my friends have noted my increased mellow-ness since I started working out in an athletic MMA gym. I've noticed it, too. Not a whole lot bothers me anymore, and I attribute that to the MAs.

I think, at least for males, physical exertion is key to a more balanced life. We work all day, have to follow orders, attend to our responsibilities, and go home to watch the news and see that our individual efforts aren't helping this crazy world (I watched The Watchmen... please bear with me.) We need the endorphin rush that MA classes give. We NEED to be able to control, or better control, an outcome. Sparring gives us that.

Above all else, we need a place in our minds that we can lay claim to and say, "Hey, I chose to be here. This is where I'm happy." Regardless of the activity.

Some people don't have that outlet, or don't exert enough through their existing one. Others have life issues that far outweigh what their physical/mental outlet. It might take a lot more for them to get over an anger issue.

 

[just2kicku]

I think the thing that MA has helped me with is realizing that the angrier you get, the more mistakes you'll make in a confrontation. The best thing to do , as I was told, is to fight calm, (if you have to fight) and fight with your head. Hard to do when you've lost your temper.

I guess it can be addicting, the chemicals your body releases in situations like that are just like a drug I'm told.

Now, for me my thinking is "Don't sweat the petty things, pet the sweaty things"
Works for me!

 

[Bill Mattocks]

I have to admit, I'm surprised at the self-admitted road-ragers. My wife is one, I'm not. I don't get it at all.

When someone comes up fast behind me and ends up riding up into my trunk, I pull over to the right and let them by. It's not that it doesn't annoy me, it does. But I don't get mad. Why? What good would it do? What can I do about it?

My wife will play games with them (with me in the car, which drives me nuts). She'll refuse to pull over, or she'll tap her brakes to see them get infuriated. Then, if they finally make it by her, they'll often swerve to cut her off, and she has to hammer the brakes to keep from hitting the guy in the back end. If it continues from there, she'll take off after the guy and try to cut HIM off.

I ask her about it and she says she wants to "teach him a thing or two." Well, what exactly will he be taught? Will he suddenly realize how wrong he is to drive that way and never do it again? Will he accept that she is his better, and feel badly because he knows he is not as good as she is? Does she get a trophy in the mail? WHAT?

Somebody tell me ONE THING that road raging does that is beneficial. To you, to him, to society in general. ONE THING.

Then think about the risks. You refuse to pull over and the guy gets all up in your trunk and then you jam on the brakes to teach him a lesson. He plows into you and kills your kid in the back seat - or his. Some lesson. Or he has to swerve and kills a kid in the back seat of the car next to you that wasn't engaging in that crap. Some lesson. Or you so infuriate him that he pulls out a gun and blasts your brains out as he passes - or your wife or husband's brains when he misses you. Some lesson.

Must be I'm missing something. I don't get what you road-ragers get out of this. Some beneficial result that I just can't grasp. My wife can't explain it to me, either.

 

[crushing]

I get upset with other drivers, but not to the point where I will chase them down and do the same thing back to them. People get killed doing that ****! The one thing I will do is if a tailgator can't maintain the proper distance between cars for the speed, I will try to make it so that we have a more proper speed for the distance. Where they need to go may be more important than their life, but not mine!

 

[still learning]

Hello, Anger is a learn response...YOU will need to learn from Professioal advice....

To UN- learn anger is to first replace it with another response....like smiling.

ON the internet many sites to visit-read and study as much as you can from them.....you will find a common theme.

This "anger" response was life long learn....ANYONE CAN CHANGE....if you want to!

Anthony Robbins is also a great book to read too!

Reactions and behavior....each one can be change....Learn how...believe in yourself....seek professioal advice...read as much as you can...practice those advice given...

Aloha,

Read everything on positive thinking....

 

[bluekey88]

First, Anger is not a learned response...far from it...it is one of the more common and basic emotions. Getting angry is about as human as one can get. That being said, how one expresses ones anger is, in large part, a learned thing. One can't replace anger...but one can learn to feel it and handle it appropriately.

Like many males, I've struggled on and off with anger most of my life. While I cannot conclusively say tjhat MA training has mad em less angry....I will say that the tiems where I let my anger get th ebetter of me in recent years have also been the times where for one reason or another I wasn't training regularly. Mind you, that could mean I was out of my routine and thus less prepared to ahndle strong emotuons...btu then again, maybe my training helps.

All I know is that I'm better able to handle strong enmotions when I train regularly than when I do not. the "why" of this is less certain.

Peace,
Erik

 

[KELLYG]

I am beginning to have change of life issues. A big by-product that I have currently is agitation frustration and anger. Martial Arts has given me an outlet for built up, pent up tension. If I know that at the end of a frustrating day at work or what ever that I can go and release this energy by doing something physical it takes the edge off. After training I'm usually too tired to get mad or upset any more. lol

 

[Aiki Lee]

Meditation and being able to vent frustrations by attacking training partners has helped me relieve many of my anger issues. That being said, I still say hurtful things from time to time and react poorly when agitated, but I would like to think I'm less inclined to do so than I would be if I didn't study the arts.

 

[Hagakure]

Over on the Wing Chun forum, Mook Jong Man commented on how he got pretty ticked off at some wanker who visited one of his classes. He also remarked that after a long time in the martial arts, he still has a hot temper that's tough to control. His solution is to take it out on the heavy bag.

I certainly sympathise, since I also struggle to control my temper at times. People often say that the Martial Arts are supposed to help you gain self control and discipline. On the other hand, as one friend of mine put it, "That's all BS. There's no place easier to find a fight than where guys are hanging out around the restrooms at a big tournement." How about the rest of you? Has Martial Arts training really helped you control your temper? Or has it just made you better at kicking butt after "loosing it"?

I've recently posted a similar thread to this and completely empathise.

I believe that when I come away from a Wing Chun class, I'm overloaded with endorphins and that feeling lasts a good while. I'm certainly "grumpier" when I don't get chance to attend a class in a week. However, what it doesn't do is address long term, hidden deep type emotions that require more work. I think it's a way of mitigating current ***** that may be going on in your life. For instance this week at Wing Chun, we did a free spar, bare knuckle session, I had no idea which arm attacks were going to come from (and they come in pretty hard and fast) and for a few seconds per attack, I was unable to think of anything else at all, but that exact instance. Which is great, but short term.

It doesn't mean I don't explode in temper once in a while, because I think that martial arts training is often a physical outlet for what maybe an emotional problem. Not something many people will be comfortable discussing such issues, particularly on a public forum. I couldn't care less, only by confronting issues and facing them down to we truly grow.

 

[Hagakure]

That makes my other half absolutely furious! he rants and I'm sure his blood pressure goes up, I can't see why he doesn't just touch his foot on the brake so that the brakelights come on and make the guy pull up a bit, it really doesn't bother me but he chunters on long after the offending car has gone or we are at home. We've actually had fallings out about it!

Yep, me too. I'm "terrible" behind the wheel. I had it happen to me this last Saturday gone. I'm doing 40 mph in a 40 zone, with my wife and daughter in the car, and this **** starts tailgating me, then in the mirror, I see him getting mad and shouting at me. So normally, when this happens, on the anger/richter scale out of 10, I'm an 11, baring in mind I'd just had a row with my dad not an hour before and that, was, it. I blew. Slowed right down, stared at him in my rearview mirror, and gestured for him to pull over. I honestly think that if he had have done, it would've been the last thing he did, for a while at least. He then slowed down and maintained a respectable distance... of a hundred feet or so. The wife wasn't happy with me though.

Not trying to prove anything with this point, merely concurring with what you said Tez.

 

[qwksilver61]

Lets just say it's a controlled hyper-response? I have realized that anger tends to make people reckless....a controlled (what I call) hyper-response is
controlling the adrenaline,staying relaxed and moving like you're shirt's on fire!
or controlled chaos.I definitely believe there are ways to control your emotion/reactions,be totally pumped up and drive the bus.Besides anger is damaging...recognizing fear and controlling it works for me.It starts in the mind......Two cents.....