Found on e-budo
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BUREAU OF IRAQI AFFAIRS (Formed March 20, 2003)
Dear People of Iraq,
Now that you have been liberated from your oppressors,
we at the Bureau of Indian Affairs (BIA) look forward
to our future relationship with you. As one of the
oldest of American governmental agencies, we have a
good deal of experience in assimilating people of
other cultures to the American way of life. Further,
in order to follow-up on our promise that, following
the war, Iraq and Iraqi oil will belong to the Iraqi
people, we will appoint an interim government, in
order to get the oil flowing for your benefit of
course. Meanwhile, below you will find a list of
what to expect from the Office of the BIA, based on
our vast experience managing the affairs of American
Indians:
1. Henceforth, English will be the spoken language of
all government and associated offices. If you do not
speak English, a translator fluent in German will be
provided.
2. All Iraqi people will apply to be entered on a
citizen (tribal) roll. Citizenship will be open to
those people who can prove that they are Iraqi back
four generations with documents issued by the United
States. Christian church records may also be given in
support of proof of your origins.
3. All hospitals designated to serve you will be
issued a standard medical kit. The kit will contain
gauze, band-aids, burn cream, iodine, tweezers, and
duct tape.
4. Your oil is to be held in trust for you. We will
appoint an American-approved government lawyer who has
a background in the oil industry to represent your
interests. Never mind that he may also work for an
energy company that he will eventually cut a deal
with. However, not to fear - this close relationship
will guarantee you more money for your oil.
5. Each Iraqi citizen will be allotted one hundred
acres of prime Iraqi desert. You will be issued a
plow, a hoe, seed corn and the King James version of
the Christian Bible. Following the distribution of
land, any land left over will be open to settlement by
Israelis.
6. Each Citizen is entitled to draw a ration of milk,
sugar, flour and lard. If, for health or religious
reasons, you feel cannot use the rations, you may file
a complaint with your BIA appointed liaison, General
Foods Corporation. Those Iraqis showing signs of
diabetes, heart disease, or glaucoma will be issued
double rations, as, (we are sure you will agree), our
own medical system will be too alien for your use.
7. We will manage your trust monies, stipulating that
any five year-old American citizen, demonstrating
minimal computer skills, may hack into the system that
controls your accounts, and set up their own account.
Records of your accounts will be kept, but you must
receive express written permission from the head of
the BIA in order to examine them
8. In keeping with the separation of Church and State
supported by the US constitution, Christian
missionaries will be sponsored through government
funding to provide your local educational and social
services. Of course, only Iraqis who convert to
Christianity will be allowed to hold jobs within the
government.
9. For the purposes of future treaty making, any
single Iraqi will be found competent to sign
and-session treaties on behalf of all other Iraqis.
10. Welcome to the Free World and have a nice day!
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BUREAU OF IRAQI AFFAIRS (Formed March 20, 2003)
Dear People of Iraq,
Now that you have been liberated from your oppressors,
we at the Bureau of Indian Affairs (BIA) look forward
to our future relationship with you. As one of the
oldest of American governmental agencies, we have a
good deal of experience in assimilating people of
other cultures to the American way of life. Further,
in order to follow-up on our promise that, following
the war, Iraq and Iraqi oil will belong to the Iraqi
people, we will appoint an interim government, in
order to get the oil flowing for your benefit of
course. Meanwhile, below you will find a list of
what to expect from the Office of the BIA, based on
our vast experience managing the affairs of American
Indians:
1. Henceforth, English will be the spoken language of
all government and associated offices. If you do not
speak English, a translator fluent in German will be
provided.
2. All Iraqi people will apply to be entered on a
citizen (tribal) roll. Citizenship will be open to
those people who can prove that they are Iraqi back
four generations with documents issued by the United
States. Christian church records may also be given in
support of proof of your origins.
3. All hospitals designated to serve you will be
issued a standard medical kit. The kit will contain
gauze, band-aids, burn cream, iodine, tweezers, and
duct tape.
4. Your oil is to be held in trust for you. We will
appoint an American-approved government lawyer who has
a background in the oil industry to represent your
interests. Never mind that he may also work for an
energy company that he will eventually cut a deal
with. However, not to fear - this close relationship
will guarantee you more money for your oil.
5. Each Iraqi citizen will be allotted one hundred
acres of prime Iraqi desert. You will be issued a
plow, a hoe, seed corn and the King James version of
the Christian Bible. Following the distribution of
land, any land left over will be open to settlement by
Israelis.
6. Each Citizen is entitled to draw a ration of milk,
sugar, flour and lard. If, for health or religious
reasons, you feel cannot use the rations, you may file
a complaint with your BIA appointed liaison, General
Foods Corporation. Those Iraqis showing signs of
diabetes, heart disease, or glaucoma will be issued
double rations, as, (we are sure you will agree), our
own medical system will be too alien for your use.
7. We will manage your trust monies, stipulating that
any five year-old American citizen, demonstrating
minimal computer skills, may hack into the system that
controls your accounts, and set up their own account.
Records of your accounts will be kept, but you must
receive express written permission from the head of
the BIA in order to examine them
8. In keeping with the separation of Church and State
supported by the US constitution, Christian
missionaries will be sponsored through government
funding to provide your local educational and social
services. Of course, only Iraqis who convert to
Christianity will be allowed to hold jobs within the
government.
9. For the purposes of future treaty making, any
single Iraqi will be found competent to sign
and-session treaties on behalf of all other Iraqis.
10. Welcome to the Free World and have a nice day!
