Basic Manners

[Ken Morgan]

Just curious to see what everyone’s opinions are about basic manners.

Am I too much of a prude to expect courteous behaviour when dealing with anyone? Not that people are rude, but some just seem in a daze or have an air of entitlement.

I will always say thank you and you’re welcome, something my parents drilled into me years ago, and I have since drilled into my children, basic common courtesy.

Example, Not to be specific to the USA, but like clockwork, the times I’ve gone through US customs, have been fine except for the agent’s manners. The last three times I’ve finished having the customs agent look at my paperwork and wave me through, when I say “thank you”, they just say “uh-huh”. WTF? I want to say, no I believe the phrase you’re looking for is you’re welcome, but I wanted into your country, so I shut up.

Even up here I hold the door for people, and probably 25% will just walk through like I’m their ****ing servant and say nothing. When they do this I always say to their backs in a loud voice, “you’re welcome” some give me a dirty look and continue on, others ignore it.

In a store if the clerk doesn’t say “thank you” I always say you’re welcome. I always think a little public humiliation is good for the soul.

Is it wrong to expect good manners? I believe it’s what separates our culture from the animals.

 

[Steve]

While I agree that being polite is a good general rule, in my opinion, your reaction to the percieved slight is also quite rude.

 

[Ken Morgan]

While I agree that being polite is a good general rule, in my opinion, your reaction to the percieved slight is also quite rude.

So you do something that you didn't have to do for someone you don't know, and when they ignore your efforts, it's rude to draw attention to the fact that they where rude? OK.

 

[Stac3y]

I figure the best way I can reduce the amount of rudeness is to continue to be polite and courteous and to insist that my children do the same.

On a related topic, back in the 80s, I was always really annoyed by the "Just Say No" (to drugs) campaign Nancy Reagan spearheaded. I mean, really, it should be "Just Say No, Thank You." That would not only be more courteous, but probably safer.
:soapbox:

Imagine this scenario:

"Hey man, wanna buy some crack?"
"NO!!!"
"How 'bout I pop you in the mouth for being rude to me?" <bap>

Wouldn't this be better?:

"Hey man, wanna buy some crack?"
"Oh, no thank you, sir."
"Okay, see you later."

 

[Nolerama]

I think it's a waste of time to wait for reciprocation for your acts of politeness... It brings to question: why are you being polite?

I'm guessing it's to be acknowledged.

Maybe find some other way to be acknowledged?

 

[Bill Mattocks]

I think it's a waste of time to wait for reciprocation for your acts of politeness... It brings to question: why are you being polite?

I'm guessing it's to be acknowledged.

I disagree. A man once opened a door for a woman and the woman snapped "I don't need to have a man open a door for me. You don't have to do that just because I am a lady."

The man replied, "I do not do it because you are a lady. I do it because I am a gentleman."

I try to be polite. But I don't do it to get a response. I do it because I am polite. I am true to myself. What the other person does or does not do is irrelevant.

 

[LuckyKBoxer]

I was raised in what I definitely see now days as a dead art... you know Chivalry and Good Manners and Honor and the such..I was also taught to not accept disrespect in any way shape or form.

I hold open doors, thank people, apologize for any slights that I perceive myself as having committed, excuse myself, tell people bless you, or a similar comment when they sneeze, etc.

I do not expect others to return the same gestures, but I teach my kids to do it, and if ignored I do not get bothered.

What does bother me is when people go out of their way to be rude or disrepectful, thats when I make comments or get aggressive. Its probably a bad trait of mine, but I refuse to suffer the fools.

 

[Steve]

So you do something that you didn't have to do for someone you don't know, and when they ignore your efforts, it's rude to draw attention to the fact that they where rude? OK.

Absolutely. I was going to type almost verbatim what Nolerama said. Suffice to say, if you hold the door for me and I don't acknowledge it, that was rude of me. If you snipe at my back as I walk through, we're both being rude.

Bill, I think you're both saying much the same thing as I. I'm all for being polite. I hold the door for people and teach my kids to do the same, but I never give a second thought about what other people do. That's outside of my control and completely unrelated to why I behave the way I do. I hold the door because it's polite.

 

[Ken Morgan]

If I walk through a door and someone is four steps behind me, to have it close in their face is IMO rude and potential harmful to them. I will wait the few seconds and hold the door and allow them to come through. The polite thing for them to do is acknowledge that I have gone out of my way to make their life easier. You don’t just acknowledge the large favours people do for you, you acknowledge them all.

If I make a purchase from a store I expect the clerk to thank me for my patronage, as an owner I certainly would demand it of myself. I want them to come back.

My old Boy Scout Leader was great in so many ways, but the one thing he always said that I disagreed with was, “Sorry is a sign of weakness”. I thought about this for a long time and came to the conclusion that an apology for your mis-actions is just good manners.

Small inconsequential acts of kindness are done not for any type of recognition, it’s done purely out of a desire to look out for others.

 

[Ken Morgan]

Absolutely. I was going to type almost verbatim what Nolerama said. Suffice to say, if you hold the door for me and I don't acknowledge it, that was rude of me. If you snipe at my back as I walk through, we're both being rude.

Bill, I think you're both saying much the same thing as I. I'm all for being polite. I hold the door for people and teach my kids to do the same, but I never give a second thought about what other people do. That's outside of my control and completely unrelated to why I behave the way I do. I hold the door because it's polite.

I understand your opinion, but i disagree. Sometimes I think we need society, you, me, everyone, to draw attention to the fact that someone is being not necessarily anti social, but rude. When people are being watched, are being judged their manners and respect go up dramatically, and that can only be good.

 

[Steve]

If I walk through a door and someone is four steps behind me, to have it close in their face is IMO rude and potential harmful to them. I will wait the few seconds and hold the door and allow them to come through. The polite thing for them to do is acknowledge that I have gone out of my way to make their life easier. You don’t just acknowledge the large favours people do for you, you acknowledge them all.

If I make a purchase from a store I expect the clerk to thank me for my patronage, as an owner I certainly would demand it of myself. I want them to come back.

My old Boy Scout Leader was great in so many ways, but the one thing he always said that I disagreed with was, “Sorry is a sign of weakness”. I thought about this for a long time and came to the conclusion that an apology for your mis-actions is just good manners.

Small inconsequential acts of kindness are done not for any type of recognition, it’s done purely out of a desire to look out for others.

I guess the bottom line for me is that the behavior of making snarky comments to a person's back is so smarmy and self righteous, it would make the act of holding the door seem contrived. It is no longer a polite act to begin with, but was instead revealed to be a petty social trap.

 

[Bill Mattocks]

I guess the bottom line for me is that the behavior of making snarky comments to a person's back is so smarmy and self righteous, it would make the act of holding the door seem contrived. It is no longer a polite act to begin with, but was instead revealed to be a petty social trap.

OK, I can see that.

 

[LuckyKBoxer]

I have to agree completely with Steve and Bill here.

You do Polite things to be polite.

If you do them for any other reason the politeness has been removed and you are now placing an obligation on someone else to satisfy your own desires. Thats not polite.

Someone disregarding you, or ignoring you is possibly being rude, but they are not going out of their way to disrespect you, or be rude to you.. If they become hostile, or say something mean thats another story.

 

[Nolerama]

You're doing something to evoke a response. You are being nice to evoke niceties from another.

It's a good idea, and I'm not going to knock its practice.

But what I refuse to do is lament over the politeness of others if/when I instigate it.

Bottom line: it's pretty insignificant.

 

[harlan]

Just a reply to the original poster.

Yes, etiquette has gone by the wayside. And a response is not so much a validation of your action, but a subtle way to acknowledge unspoken mores. It's a matter of being civilized. At least, in public.

 

[Nolerama]

I have to agree completely with Steve and Bill here.

You do Polite things to be polite.

If you do them for any other reason the politeness has been removed and you are now placing an obligation on someone else to satisfy your own desires. Thats not polite.

Someone disregarding you, or ignoring you is possibly being rude, but they are not going out of their way to disrespect you, or be rude to you.. If they become hostile, or say something mean thats another story.

The simple fact that the OP posted this is clearly because his brand of politeness is used to invoke polite behavior in others... Resulting in posts like these when people don't live up to his expectations.

The OP isn't being polite just to be polite. He's being polite to get attention.

 

[harlan]

I think it's more an issue of misplaced cultural expectations.

 

[Steve]

I understand your opinion, but i disagree. Sometimes I think we need society, you, me, everyone, to draw attention to the fact that someone is being not necessarily anti social, but rude. When people are being watched, are being judged their manners and respect go up dramatically, and that can only be good.

LOL. So, consider this my attempt to draw attention to your, not anti-social, but rude behavior.

Edit: Just want to add, lest this appear to be ganging up on the OP, I do agree with you that we should all be polite. It's just the nice thing to do. I make a point to be polite to anyone who rings the doorbell, be they a travelling salesperson, a Mormon/Jehovah's Witness or whomever. I enjoy it when people are polite to me.

 

[Stac3y]

I understand your opinion, but i disagree. Sometimes I think we need society, you, me, everyone, to draw attention to the fact that someone is being not necessarily anti social, but rude. When people are being watched, are being judged their manners and respect go up dramatically, and that can only be good.

I think it works better to continue being a good example, ad nauseam. I no longer try to shame people into saying "thank you" by saying "you're welcome" over and over; it doesn't work. Instead, I say a preemptive thank you to people, and it's extremely rare for me not to get a polite response. (For those of you who think the clerk should always be the one to say "thank you," I disagree; I am thanking the clerk for assisting me with my purchase, and s/he is either responding to my thanks with a polite "you're welcome," or thanking me for making a purchase.) Of course, it doesn't always work, but even then I feel better because I haven't been rude myself.

I am not polite out of a desire for acknowledgement; I am polite because I think that basic courtesy and respectful treatment engenders more of the same, or at least keeps the rudeness down to 50%.

 

[elder999]

Just curious to see what everyone’s opinions are about basic manners..

Basic manners are about the person using them to make everyone around them comfortable. There should be no expectation of their return-far too many people don't even know what they are. It's enough that you said "Thank-you," you shouldn't have any expectations of a return, polite reply.....though I can understand being miffed.