At Wits End Need Advise

[Jai]

So I wasn't sure where else to post this, but I am in need of some good moral support and advise.

I have been gone for the last week again. My brother got himself into some trouble and needed someone to pick him up again. Now the back story of this is...

My brother(who is two years old) and I where very close growing up. We both made some bad choices when we where younger, but I was always there for him, helped him out, even fought his fights for him several times. Finally things drove a very hard rift bewteen us and we stopped speaking. I moved away from the area and up to where I now currently live with my wife and kids. My brother and I did not speak for nearly 8 years. He did not come around when mom was killed, did not show up at the funeral or anything. To try and break the ice between us I even invited him to my wedding, he did not respond or come, biggest factor being he was in jail at the time(so he has told me).

Now about a year ago we finally made contact, and decided to give it a try again. Our first meeting was wonderful. It brought back alot of good memories. A few months later we meet up again and I noticed alot of the old "bad" things where still there. The more I looked the more I saw the old bitter hate driven person my brother had become. After that he cut off contact again. I got ahold of his ex-wife, who told me what had happened over the last 8 years to him. He wa bitter that I had moved forward, and had made something of my life, he was mad because his marrage didn't last and mine had. He was upset that I was planning on getting back into school where as he was unable to go(He has been expelled and "black listed" for another 2 years).
So it's been almost another year and out of the blue he calls me a week ago. He is in trouble again and needs help. So on some wild thought process that he really needed me I went home again. Same crap different day is the best way to desribe everything that happened. My brother is in a way of speaking, dead to me. The guy I knew and grew up with just isn't there anymore, he has been replaced by whatever my brother has become. Yet I do not think I can wash my hands of him, he is my blood after all. This is causing troubles with my wife and the remaining members of my side of the family. I am torn about what to do. Thanks everyone for listening.

 

[Kacey]

Sad to say... been there, done that. I won't go into detail - but my sister (3 1/2 years older) is much like your brother: upset that I reached various "milestones" before here, like getting married, buying a house, and so on - and on top of that, she got into an argument with our mother years ago, stopped talking to her, and managed to alienate that entire side of the family, a problem which continues to this day. She's my sister, and I love her... but I don't think much of her as a person, I don't particularly like her, and she's not the type of person I generally spend time with... and I only hear from her when she wants something - and if I don't have the answer she wants (she long since gave up asking for money, because I won't give her any), then she gets snippy and obnoxious because the answer she got wasn't the one she wanted.

Unfortunately, the only thing that has worked for me is cutting off most contact with her - easier for me than most, as I live in Colorado, and she lives in Israel - it still bothers me on occasion that my only sibling and I don't get along, but there came a point where, while I am willing to hear about things that are going on in her life, I've quit trying to have a relationship with her; after 10 years (as an adult) of trying to have a relationship and being ignored (at best) or derided or worse, I gave up - and it made my life much smoother without her drama coming up regularly.

 

[JadecloudAlchemist]

Your brother needs to learn the reality of life. Things are not fair but that does not mean you can not make something good out of your life.
We are all given choices which shape our path but its up to us to choose how to take them and deal with them. The lesson for your brother is not depend so much on you which creates more bitterness for him and puts more problems on you and the realtionship. He needs to pick himself up and depend on himself. Some people in life are like Vampires best using all sorts of ways to use you(remember Lucy from Dracula) Always be on your guard.

 

[jks9199]

Your brother's family. That doesn't change.

But he's old enough that he can face the consequences of his own choices, as well. You've done all you can. He clearly knows how to reach you if he chooses to -- but you don't need to be a doormat for him. It's hard... but it's the way things are. You can't make him grow up or force him to make good choices. And be there for him if he reaches out for real help -- not a quick fix.

And, if it's your way, pray for him.

 

[Rich Parsons]

So I wasn't sure where else to post this, but I am in need of some good moral support and advise.

I have been gone for the last week again. My brother got himself into some trouble and needed someone to pick him up again. Now the back story of this is...

My brother(who is two years old) and I where very close growing up. We both made some bad choices when we where younger, but I was always there for him, helped him out, even fought his fights for him several times. Finally things drove a very hard rift bewteen us and we stopped speaking. I moved away from the area and up to where I now currently live with my wife and kids. My brother and I did not speak for nearly 8 years. He did not come around when mom was killed, did not show up at the funeral or anything. To try and break the ice between us I even invited him to my wedding, he did not respond or come, biggest factor being he was in jail at the time(so he has told me).

Now about a year ago we finally made contact, and decided to give it a try again. Our first meeting was wonderful. It brought back alot of good memories. A few months later we meet up again and I noticed alot of the old "bad" things where still there. The more I looked the more I saw the old bitter hate driven person my brother had become. After that he cut off contact again. I got ahold of his ex-wife, who told me what had happened over the last 8 years to him. He wa bitter that I had moved forward, and had made something of my life, he was mad because his marrage didn't last and mine had. He was upset that I was planning on getting back into school where as he was unable to go(He has been expelled and "black listed" for another 2 years).
So it's been almost another year and out of the blue he calls me a week ago. He is in trouble again and needs help. So on some wild thought process that he really needed me I went home again. Same crap different day is the best way to desribe everything that happened. My brother is in a way of speaking, dead to me. The guy I knew and grew up with just isn't there anymore, he has been replaced by whatever my brother has become. Yet I do not think I can wash my hands of him, he is my blood after all. This is causing troubles with my wife and the remaining members of my side of the family. I am torn about what to do. Thanks everyone for listening.

This is the advice I gave to my adopted Niece. (* I adopted her as my Niece. *) Her mother decided it was better for her to leave the family and she left the state with out a job and left behind her kids. It really messed with them. My Niece the daughter of this woman felt horrible as she was having problems with her feelings about her mother and her actions.

I told her, that she was to love her mother and give her the respect of an adult. But that as a near adult herself she needed to look at her mother and decide if she liked her or not. If she did not that is ok. When she saw her for visits she should be nice and polite but she did not have to support her mother's decision nor like them. She told me this helped her.

As to my brother who is doing great now. He was young as we all were at one time. He made some bad choices, and during that time frame I refused to continue to bail him out. I did it once and not again. In the end he had to do it on his own and realize that he could not just fall through life and have others take care of him. In essence he grew up.

Good luck with you Brother.

 

[girlbug2]

The specifics of your circumstances aside, (whatever your brother has done/become): can you forgive him? Because you will not truly be able to move on until you do. And it does seem as if moving on is the only good choice left to you at this point. You have the rest of your family and your wife to look to --their needs have to come first.

If your brother is displaying a pattern of self destructive behaviors, perhaps substance abuse, or other addiction or abuse, then it may help you to join a support group for family members of addicts/abusers. You need to hear from others and what they went through to help you realize what needs to be done. It could give you the strength to forgive him and move on.

Above all --pray!

 

[kaizasosei]

he's your brother..help him.
if anyone can reach him to make a difference, it would be you.
there's plenty of harshness in the world, no need to be harsh to him, if i were you i would give it my best to bring him round. however, if someone is truly negative and having serious issues, it might be good for you and your immediate family to gain some distance and time away. but in heart and spirit, i hope for your sake too that you never forsake you bro.

j