A sticky situation

[Cruentus]

The problem is I constantly want to do what ever I can to make her feel better...

I may be opening up a major time consuming dialog here, but I'll take the risk...

Looking at your quote above, I have to ask: What is YOUR motive with this girl? What need are you either getting satisfied or looking to get satisfied by dealing with this girl at all?

I ask because I highly doubt you're going to do what everyone is suggesting here (which are good suggestions, btw), otherwise, I don't think you would have posted. Even if you did what was suggested in this instance, I think that you risk repeating a similar error of involving yourself with a different dysfunctional person down the line.

I think that what you are looking for, really, is a way to continue interaction with this girl, thus to attain or persue whatever needs you perceive you have, yet also obtain a viable solution to the problems her friends and boyfriend pose with that continued interaction.

Therefore, if we find out what needs you're either getting or looking to get met by interacting with this person, then we will find the real answer to your problem. So, it would behoove you to sincerely think about the above question, and realize that your first answer may not be the actual or right one.

 

[CuongNhuka]

What is YOUR motive with this girl?

Basicly, I'm too nice.

 

[Cruentus]

Basicly, I'm too nice.

Sorry dude, but that ain't gonna work.

There is a deeper motive that you have for being "too nice" here. If you find out what need your fullfilling, you'll find the answer to your problem.

If you need a jump start... WHY are you being too nice?

C.

 

[CuongNhuka]

WHY are you being too nice?

My mom beat it into me, with the twin sticks of morals and manners.

 

[Adept]

My mom beat it into me, with the twin sticks of morals and manners.

Yes, but you're not being too nice to everyone now, are you? You aren't donating all your spare cash to Unicef, you aren't volunteering every spare moment at your local homeless shelter, and you aren't donating all your extra belongings to charity.

You are instead considering risking your life, simply to give this girl a shoulder to cry on.

 

[Cruentus]

Yes, but you're not being too nice to everyone now, are you? You aren't donating all your spare cash to Unicef, you aren't volunteering every spare moment at your local homeless shelter, and you aren't donating all your extra belongings to charity.

You are instead considering risking your life, simply to give this girl a shoulder to cry on.

Exactly, thank you Adept.

Your choosing to be "nice" to this particular person vs. donating the same time and energy to another person (who is not in a 'gang' posing a danger to you and who is not this particular 'girl') with a need, or another cause.

So... why?

You can give a cop-out answer here, or you can really be honest with yourself and give a real answer; just remember that your the one who posted looking for advice.

 

[CuongNhuka]

Yes, but you're not being too nice to everyone now, are you? You aren't donating all your spare cash to Unicef, you aren't volunteering every spare moment at your local homeless shelter, and you aren't donating all your extra belongings to charity.

Actualy I do, as much as possible.

 

[CuongNhuka]

Exactly, thank you Adept.

Your choosing to be "nice" to this particular person vs. donating the same time and energy to another person (who is not in a 'gang' posing a danger to you and who is not this particular 'girl') with a need, or another cause.

So... why?

You can give a cop-out answer here, or you can really be honest with yourself and give a real answer; just remember that your the one who posted looking for advice.

Well, if you're thinking it's because she's cute (I'm geussing thats about what you're thinking), then yah she is cute. But, I have no feelings for her. Again, she gets on my nerves. I'm a little too much of a gentleman (my mom gets irritated with how well her 'gentleman training' worked).
I'm sorry, but I see this as a moral issue (save my you know what vs. working with my nature), if you don't then I'm sorry.

 

[jks9199]

Well, if you're thinking it's because she's cute (I'm geussing thats about what you're thinking), then yah she is cute. But, I have no feelings for her. Again, she gets on my nerves. I'm a little too much of a gentleman (my mom gets irritated with how well her 'gentleman training' worked).
I'm sorry, but I see this as a moral issue (save my you know what vs. working with my nature), if you don't then I'm sorry.

I'm going to suggest that you're not quite able to be honest and objective about this...

I know that I've got a few years on you, and maybe a little more wisdom and self-knowledge, and I'd have a hard time being objective in a situation like that.

I simply encourage you to consider the fact that almost nobody has told you it's a good idea to go out of your way to try to help this girl. Express your condolences. If she's interested in your Raider team, help her with that like you would anyone else. If, and only if, she comes to seek you out, then you can be more supportive on this topic... but I'd also encourage you to spend some time in introspection to see what's really motivating your feelings.

Oh... and I'd strongly suggest that, in coordination with your advisor, you make it a requirement for the Raider team that a person have no current gang affiliation.

 

[Cruentus]

Cuong,

When a person confines himself to a pattern of thinking, it is very difficult to see outside that pattern to observe all available courses of action.

So in order to break that pattern and look towards more viable solutions to our problems, we sometimes have to ask ourselves some tough questions. And often, when we are caught in a dilemma where it seems that we have to choose between 2 or 3 choices with potentially bad consequences, it is because we aren't asking ourselves the RIGHT questions.

But, sometimes the right questions can be difficult because at best it requires a person to step outside of his comfort zone to look at other possabilities. This can be both difficult and frusterating because at the time that one is caught in a particular thinking pattern, THE ONLY SOLUTIONS that are apparent are THE ONES CONFINED TO THAT PATTERN, and anything else seems absurd. At its most extreme, the right questions may require one to really look inside himself, and answering the questions honestly will mean a REAL CHANGE to ones actual personality. Change is difficult. That is why difficult questions are often denyed, washed over, or met with extreme resistance. I, in fact, know that by me being the one to ask difficult questions, I open myself up to possible hostility!

Now, you said:

So, do I do my best to try to avoid her all together (so I don't do anything to get shanked/shot/stabbed/run over), or do I try my best to help her (and try to avoid her jealous, short tempered, violent lunatic boyfreind)?

The above statement demonstrates a particular pattern of thinking where there is 2 solutions to your problem; and each solution has potentially bad consequences, thus a dilemma. If you "help" her, you risk your safety; if avoid her, then you risk your emotional/psychological well being (knowing that you turned away from someone and why and the list of reasons to go with that). In this pattern, neither are good solutions.

However, outside of that pattern, there are other solutions. You just have to ask the right questions.

Why can't you simply tell her, "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry about the loss of your brother, and if you ever need anything, someone to talk to, a friend, or whatever, then I want you to know that you can come to me for help." Then, you leave it at that. Your offering help. It is her choice to take it. It is also her choice to leave or stay with her disfunctional boyfriend, and it is also her choice to leave or stay in a gang. You see, she is not a helpless victim here; she has choices too.

If she comes to you for "help," by choice, then you can figure out how to deal with the issue of her friends. If not, then there is no dilemma; you offered help, the ball is in her court, and you move on with your life. But you know, at least I would guess, that she ISN'T going to come to you for help. (Not your fault, dude, there are a multitude of reasons for this that have nothing to do with you)

This solution is a very easy one to come up with. You are a smart enough guy to have come up with this yourself; yet you either didn't, or you did but you for some reason discount this as a viable solution.

So, the question is "why?"

It is going to boil down to this: you have a desire (no matter how strong or weak) to directly involve yourself in this girls drama story, where the outcome for you is not likely to be a good one. If this desire is strong enough, you will repeat this pattern of behavior either with this girl or others down the line until you overcome this desire that you have.

So, again, the difficult question we are left with is "What need are you either getting satisfied or looking to get satisfied by dealing with this girl at all?"

Asking the right questions and searching for the right answers will offer the real solutions to your problem here.

And as you can see, it has really nothing to do with being the "nice" "gentleman" that you are; there is a lot more to this. Furthermore, this doesn't specifically pertain to this girls attractiveness either (although I am sure this weighs in a lot more then your willing to admit, but if your willing to ignore that for now, then so will I ).

C.

Edit: I just wanted to add one thing. I am only posting here to be helpful to you in a topic that is interesting too me. If you feel that I am not being helpful, or if I am frustrating or annoying you, then let me know. I will be happy to stop posting on the subject with no ill feelings, as I not only understand, but I certainly don't want to waste my time.

 

[CuongNhuka]

Edit: I just wanted to add one thing. I am only posting here to be helpful to you in a topic that is interesting too me. If you feel that I am not being helpful, or if I am frustrating or annoying you, then let me know. I will be happy to stop posting on the subject with no ill feelings, as I not only understand, but I certainly don't want to waste my time.

Your fine.