On this night of nights after this day of days I find myself sitting here waiting for the rain to come. Sitting here reflecting about the events and journeys that have transpired since the last time it rained. I don't quite know what it is about rain that has this effect on me. When it rains I feel as though my soul is being washed clean of things that weigh it down. The sound of rain falling, water rushing in gutters and out from under cars' tires as they drive past. The smell of the earth. Watching the rain fall under a street light or through the half light of a cloud covered moon, or, drops hitting against a window smearing and distorting the image of what lies beyond. I'm not sure why these things affect me the way they do, only that I've learned to recognize them and use them. Today has been a strange day. Strange for a couple reasons, least of which is this post. I'm usually quite self contained and never feel the need to share much about myself with others. So this post is an oddity for me.
Today has left me with a weariness that I've not felt in years; not since I was in high school, which was a very difficult time for me and for more than just the 'normal' reasons. Today was the first time since moving from the Bay Area back in 2001, that I've felt trapped. I feel as though I've reached my limit and yet I know I have much more to do as the school year is still just beginning. I'm a very passive individual. I normally don't allow things to get to me, nor do I hold onto them once they do. However by this day's end I have felt utterly consumed by the demands of others.
I am blessed to have the coworkers that I have. I was grateful at the opportunity to work with them again. My job is nothing exotic or special. I work at Long's Drugs. I originally started working there part time as a photo tech and CSR (customer service rep). After leaving and returning my responsibilities have increased ten fold. Now I work full time as a receiving clerk. Though that is only my official title I; wear many other hats, so to speak. I do the bookkeeping, work the photo lab when the scheduled tech isn't there, CSR, as well as act as a first responder to just about any other situation and or minor catastrophe that can occur at a drug store. (perhaps that's a bit melodramatic...) Anyway I do my best to leave work at work, usually with great success. The benefit of working a half hour commute from home is that in that half hour drive I have time to mentally switch gears. From work to home, to school. It gives me time to prepare and focus.
Today I had no classes as I'm only taking 6 units (half of a full load). So it was straight home, where I hoped to accomplish some homework and do my best to forget the demands at work. Taking some time I hopped online and cruised MT for a while when a friend signed on to AIM. She and I have a bit of a history, which is far from simple. This history is relevant, but not something I am going to get into. My being gone for the summer was not to her liking yet partially her doing. So we are on uneasy ground at the moment. She made it clear that she felt that I don't care if I don't see her or talk to her which is definitely not the case. I understand her feeling this way as I'm not one to fully articulate what I'm feeling or thinking. Though to be fair she is used to it as I used to be comfortable with being that way around her. So yeah it's convoluted and complicated at best. The thing is while I feel absolutely horrible that I've made her feel this way she just cuts off the conversation without so much as a goodbye or go to hell. Again I can understand her being upset, but at the same time utterly enraged at the lack of opportunity to talk things out.
Shortly after this drama I talk to my family, specifically my mother and my sister. I am currently building a computer for my sister, which has been an endeavor unto its own. As the computer is near completion my sister is anxious to get it which most likely involves a 2 hour (round trip) drive for me. My mother makes not so subtle hints that my other sister is upset that I haven't repaid money that I've borrowed from her. Why my sister wont speak directly to me about this is beyond me.
So yeah...
On this night of nights I have done my best to let go the stresses from this day of days. I know I can't let it build, so I don't. However the weariness remains. I do my best to wash it away but a little rain wouldn't hurt right about now.
My apologies for a long post, but for some reason I felt the need to share, I wish I knew why.
Today has left me with a weariness that I've not felt in years; not since I was in high school, which was a very difficult time for me and for more than just the 'normal' reasons. Today was the first time since moving from the Bay Area back in 2001, that I've felt trapped. I feel as though I've reached my limit and yet I know I have much more to do as the school year is still just beginning. I'm a very passive individual. I normally don't allow things to get to me, nor do I hold onto them once they do. However by this day's end I have felt utterly consumed by the demands of others.
I am blessed to have the coworkers that I have. I was grateful at the opportunity to work with them again. My job is nothing exotic or special. I work at Long's Drugs. I originally started working there part time as a photo tech and CSR (customer service rep). After leaving and returning my responsibilities have increased ten fold. Now I work full time as a receiving clerk. Though that is only my official title I; wear many other hats, so to speak. I do the bookkeeping, work the photo lab when the scheduled tech isn't there, CSR, as well as act as a first responder to just about any other situation and or minor catastrophe that can occur at a drug store. (perhaps that's a bit melodramatic...) Anyway I do my best to leave work at work, usually with great success. The benefit of working a half hour commute from home is that in that half hour drive I have time to mentally switch gears. From work to home, to school. It gives me time to prepare and focus.
Today I had no classes as I'm only taking 6 units (half of a full load). So it was straight home, where I hoped to accomplish some homework and do my best to forget the demands at work. Taking some time I hopped online and cruised MT for a while when a friend signed on to AIM. She and I have a bit of a history, which is far from simple. This history is relevant, but not something I am going to get into. My being gone for the summer was not to her liking yet partially her doing. So we are on uneasy ground at the moment. She made it clear that she felt that I don't care if I don't see her or talk to her which is definitely not the case. I understand her feeling this way as I'm not one to fully articulate what I'm feeling or thinking. Though to be fair she is used to it as I used to be comfortable with being that way around her. So yeah it's convoluted and complicated at best. The thing is while I feel absolutely horrible that I've made her feel this way she just cuts off the conversation without so much as a goodbye or go to hell. Again I can understand her being upset, but at the same time utterly enraged at the lack of opportunity to talk things out.
Shortly after this drama I talk to my family, specifically my mother and my sister. I am currently building a computer for my sister, which has been an endeavor unto its own. As the computer is near completion my sister is anxious to get it which most likely involves a 2 hour (round trip) drive for me. My mother makes not so subtle hints that my other sister is upset that I haven't repaid money that I've borrowed from her. Why my sister wont speak directly to me about this is beyond me.
So yeah...
On this night of nights I have done my best to let go the stresses from this day of days. I know I can't let it build, so I don't. However the weariness remains. I do my best to wash it away but a little rain wouldn't hurt right about now.
My apologies for a long post, but for some reason I felt the need to share, I wish I knew why.
