This situation has got me on edge...I need some help

[KempoGuy06]

ok so i know the topic of defending a life by taking another has been brought up a lot but I had a conversation with my aunt the other day that put it back in my head.

She complimented me on how it looked like I was losing weight. I said say I have lost some due in part to my diet and workout routine but mainly because of my involvement in the Martial Arts over the last year and a half. She gave me this evil look and in a real harsh tone asked me why I did Martial Arts. I simply told her that I got into it for the health benefit and loved it so much decided how far the train could take and also that it is always good to know how to defend yourself. She then asked whether or not they teach me stuff that could possible cause permanent damage or kill someone. At first I was like, WTF?, who asks that question but seeing as it was my aunt what who it matter. So I told her that they do not outright tell me that this or that move will kill someone but that they do teach us stuff that when enough force is applied could take someones life. Next she asked if I could actually kill someone. Again a little taken aback but answered it anyway. I said while I dont want to think about it and hope that it never happens the answer is yes if I had no other choice and my life or the life of others then I would do what is necessary. After I said that she stood up, called me evil and left the room and then the house. I am now no longer allowed to have any contact with my cousins (her children) because she believes that I am a bad influence and that I will end up hurting someone for no apparent reason.

Now obviously the first question I have is WHAT THE HELL? What are people being told to make them think like this? Has anyone had a similar problem or is this an isolated incident?

Second, is it wrong to think the way I do? I do have my mind prepared that at anytime I may need to defend myself and that I may need to use extreme force. I hope it never happens but being mentally prepared to do what is necessary is just as important as being physically prepared.

Third, while I do want to talk to my cousins Im at a point where I never want to hear from my aunt again. What should I do? Should I stay in contact with them even against her wishes or should I try to resolve the situation and then if that fails still stay in contact with them.

thanks for the help

B

 

[Doc_Jude]

ok so i know the topic of defending a life by taking another has been brought up a lot but I had a conversation with my aunt the other day that put it back in my head.
[....]
Now obviously the first question I have is WHAT THE HELL? What are people being told to make them think like this? Has anyone had a similar problem or is this an isolated incident?

Second, is it wrong to think the way I do? I do have my mind prepared that at anytime I may need to defend myself and that I may need to use extreme force. I hope it never happens but being mentally prepared to do what is necessary is just as important as being physically prepared.

Third, while I do want to talk to my cousins Im at a point where I never want to hear from my aunt again. What should I do? Should I stay in contact with them even against her wishes or should I try to resolve the situation and then if that fails still stay in contact with them.

thanks for the help

B

1st: She's a nutcase. Don't give her another thought. People like this live in a dream world and I can only assume that she's such an old dog she won't be learning any new tricks.
2nd: You are right on point. You told her the truth. You are obviously not overly violent or antisocial, you don't practice killer death touch nor do you want to.
3rd: Depending on your cousin's ages, it may not be a good idea to seek out too much contact with them. Legally that is. If they're legal adults, then you do what you like, socially, as should they.

 

[Blindside]

She undoubtedly heard about your little "sleep-kempoing" problem.

Some people are quite petrified of the potential of violence, they don't understand it, and generally fear it. It isn't rational and you aren't likely going to get around it. She may have had a bad experience in the past with abuse or violence that may be influencing her reaction. If your cousins are adults (or near adults) I would contact them directly and explain what occured, just so they hear your side of the story.

Lamont

 

[terryl965]

1st: She's a nutcase. Don't give her another thought. People like this live in a dream world and I can only assume that she's such an old dog she won't be learning any new tricks.
2nd: You are right on point. You told her the truth. You are obviously not overly violent or antisocial, you don't practice killer death touch nor do you want to.
3rd: Depending on your cousin's ages, it may not be a good idea to seek out too much contact with them. Legally that is. If they're legal adults, then you do what you like, socially, as should they.

Doc has said this better than I.

 

[dancingalone]

Tough situation. It does sound like your aunt has some prior conceptions about the martial arts and violence that she is linking to you and your "fitness" as a person to associate with her kids. That's really her deal - she's free to think what she wants. It does sound like she has some issues she needs to work through however, and I'm afraid there really nothing you can do about it, for her or for yourself. Best to just stay out of it. If she doesn't want her kids to visit you, she's within her rights as their guardian.

 

[Steel Tiger]

I have to say I have not personally encountered this attitude but I think I know where it is coming from. Is your aunt particularly religious? If she is then an explanation could lie there. There are some religious groups who have decided that "the Martial Arts" is some sort of evil cult bent on world domination or something like that. As far as I can tell it is, as yet, an American phenomenon coming from the more strident bible thumping Episcopal or Pentecostal faiths.

It is also possible that somewhere is her past something really bad happened and martial arts were involved. As a result she has come to the conclusion that MAs are evil and nobody in her family is going to associate with them.

Either way, she is entitled to her opinion, wrong though it may be.

There is nothing wrong with being aware of your surroundings and being prepared to deal with potential threats. It can get very draining if you are in a very heightened state for long periods, but some people are just like that.

As to your cousins, I don't know. I think that the relationship between you will prosper or die depending more on how they react to their mother's ban than on what you do.

 

[Bigshadow]

She undoubtedly heard about your little "sleep-kempoing" problem.

Some people are quite petrified of the potential of violence, they don't understand it, and generally fear it. It isn't rational and you aren't likely going to get around it. She may have had a bad experience in the past with abuse or violence that may be influencing her reaction. If your cousins are adults (or near adults) I would contact them directly and explain what occured, just so they hear your side of the story.

Lamont

Great points!

It seems as though she has some pre-conceived notion of what martial arts are. Unfortunately, many people are living in the dark ages regarding some topics, such as martial arts. Often times, it is religious dogma that keeps them there. Ironically, had you reversed the same questions (martial arts aside) toward her, as in "if someone were trying to kill your child, could you take their life to preserve the life of your child?". The final question she asked, could be asked of anyone! In my opinion, it is pure cowardly to think otherwise.

I would elicit the help of one of your parents or relatives if possible to try and enlighten her so that you two can come to common ground.

 

[still learning]

Hello, Yes...she is NOT thinking smartly and may have had a bad experience with someone or people of the martial arts.

Just stay away and BE YOURSELF...in time she will see you as a normal person.

Police officers , Army soldiers, FBI, CIA, and many others learn the same type of martial art skills...that may require you to defend yourself...even to kill!

This does not make anyone a bad person because they learn skills that could harm or end's one life.....

The people in this world...have not grown up and we need armies, police, to protect us.....

Martial arts is a self ..individual way of learning to protect one self from the dangerous people.

Keep training....Aloha

 

[CoryKS]

Bit of an overreaction, that. Some people don't recognize a difference between killing and murder. It seems strange that she'd be willing to immediately disown a nephew based on a purely hypothetical scenario. Have you had any problems with her before? Anything that would have made her behavior seem like it's just Auntie being Auntie?

I've got some relatives with beliefs that I consider eccentric. Over time you start get a feeling for where the no-fly zones are.

 

[thardey]

It's one thing to be uncomfortable around people who possess physical power, and who are willing to use it. (Karate, Boxing, Guns, etc). That's normal and to be expected, until they learn to trust the one controlling that power.

Power is power, period. It is a tool, and that power can be used by good and bad people. The control of whatever kind of power, whether MA, or weapons, and the skill to use it alone are neither good nor evil. It's the purpose for which the power is applied that separates the "good guy" from the "Bad guy."

That said, there are some people who fear power in and of itself. They've seen it used for wrong purposes, and they have decided that it was the ability to cause the abuse that is to blame. Therefore, power should be stripped from everyone, excepting those who are under a lot of accountability (theoretically), such as policemen or soldiers. For these kind of people, it is the power itself that is considered the source of all evil, therefore anyone dabbling with it is dabbling with evil itself. Anyone who is powerful (apart from people who receive their power from a governing authority) is full of power = full of evil.

It's the same line of thinking that says that alcohol is evil. Or that guns are evil. Or that religion is evil. Or even that sex is evil. They are all powerful, and they have all been used for perverted purposes. But that doesn't mean that the source of power is evil, it just means that evil people have tapped into this source of power.

As far as what to do about this, I can't add anymore to the advice already given.

 

[Touch Of Death]

In the future I would come up with a plan and explain to future Nay-sayers how you have dealt with these issues and how it is more about controling your emotions, thinking, fitness so that you may better deal with challanges, etc. Perhaps you were caught off gaurd with this confrontation.
Sean

 

[Doc_Jude]

Hey, send her some "Christian Karate" literature. Kicking for Christ, you know. She might warm up after that.

 

[kaizasosei]

seems to me that in some way she is even trying to provoke you. i bet she has issues with guilt amongst other things.
don't know what else you could have done? i bet she's just a nutcase. it tough if suddenly someone so close turns on you like that, but the best is to see it coming.
the only thing i would say to her if there is a chance is 'you really hurt my feelings and it's i who feel like i cannot trust you anymore.' then id tell her i love my cousins- and let the chips fall where they may.

geez, i always say it. as far as im concerned violence is not only something physical, nor is it something easy to understand.

j

 

[CoryKS]

You could tell her "I'm learning control and precision so I can avoid accidentally killing someone with an uncontrolled movement if forced to defend myself." Or something.

 

[Xue Sheng]

Does she drive a car... you know you can kill someone with a car... all car drivers are evil...

Does she use a knife to cut food...... you know you can kill someone with a knife.... all those that use a knife are evil....

Now I am ok with this... I drive and I use a knife and I do martial arts and likely I AM evil but that has nothing to do with the fact I drive a car, use a knife or do martial arts.

The logic is at best flawed, I know it is a relative but don't let it get to you.

And if it helps, a big part of the philosophy of training traditional martial arts is NOT fighting so I am guessing that killing people is not something that is considered a training goal

 

[Christina05]

Does she drive a car... you know you can kill someone with a car... all car drivers are evil...

Does she use a knife to cut food...... you know you can kill someone with a knife.... all those that use a knife are evil....

Now I am ok with this... I drive and I use a knife and I do martial arts and likely I AM evil but that has nothing to do with the fact I drive a car, use a knife or do martial arts.

The logic is at best flawed, I know it is a relative but don't let it get to you.

And if it helps, a big part of the philosophy of training traditional martial arts is NOT fighting so I am guessing that killing people is not something that is considered a training goal[/quote/]

Very well put.

 

[windwalker]

When I first started martial arts training my mother had a similar but much less extreme view. I was able to reason with her by explaining that learning martial arts has made much less likely to fight. I have learned how fragile life is and that fighting isn't something I take lightly. I also explained that I would use only the skill necessary to defend myself or others and that killing would be the last and most desperate option.

Evil can come to all of us and we can choose to be a victim or we can fight back. I like to think my family and and anybody around me is a little bit safer because of the skills I have. There is a quote that goes something like "all we need for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

Good and evil come from within. The skills you are learning are in and of them self neither good nor evil. I hope someday you'll get a chance to reason with your Aunt. You might try putting your thoughts in a letter.

 

[IcemanSK]

1st: She's a nutcase. Don't give her another thought. People like this live in a dream world and I can only assume that she's such an old dog she won't be learning any new tricks.
2nd: You are right on point. You told her the truth. You are obviously not overly violent or antisocial, you don't practice killer death touch nor do you want to.
3rd: Depending on your cousin's ages, it may not be a good idea to seek out too much contact with them. Legally that is. If they're legal adults, then you do what you like, socially, as should they.

I think Doc's point #2 is right on, here. The sad thing is, she obviously doesn't know your character as a person. Does she really think that you are a mindless robot &/or so suggestable that even if someone DID teach you that way, that you'd stay in the class? You're not even in the military where a combat situation is much more likely to occur than on the streets where you live. I'm truly sorry that your aunt feels this way. Family can be so strange, sometimes.

 

[Brian R. VanCise]

KG06 all I can say is wow! Sorry that happened and I am sorry that your aunt behaved in such a poor manner.

No your answer to your aunt was good, so it is not you that has a problem but your aunt.

I wish I could help you more but this type of thing is hard to sort out. I would if I were in your situation be friendly and courteous as always and hopefully at some point she will realize her mistake. I also imagine that your cousin's must think this is kind've nutty too.

Once again I am sorry this happened to you my LPT brother!

 

[Kacey]

I had a student who got that same response from his pastor, and to a lesser extent from his wife. There are those who don't understand, who don't want to understand, and who may (sadly) never understand. Stick with your training, prove to her that it's not turning you into a homicidal maniac by not killing or maiming anyone; eventually, with luck (and possibly therapy) she'll come around.