Corporal Hicks
Black Belt
Hi,
I've been praticing Buddhism for about a month or so now and have become really intrigued with it! Some concepts i.e. the EightFold Path are relatively easy to understand even if difficult at times to 'live' them.
One thing I've really been struggling with however is that of the ego or the self? Such Ideas have hit home to me, I realise that I defend something and when getting into an arguement I have noticed that something in the back of my head says to me "what are you defending, for what purpose?" this is something that I understood, and through meditation I'm beginning to understand how rooted in myself the indiviual I thought I was exists and in some way how it causes me to suffer. I also understand that I'm not losing the idea of myself by letting go of the self and this I have experienced as being true.
However what is bothering me is that, some deeply rooted things in me stem from my self and its partically difficult. To give an example, I can get a very jealous and today I felt an old thought pattern and response go straight to my head when I heard my girlfriend got drunk last night out with some female and male friends and is planning the same tonight (so much for her Christian camp) anyway, I sat down and meditated on it and realise when I went deep into myself that it reflected back to me, I realised that the idea of myself was involved, how if she 'did' do something that it would affect me, that it would somehow make my ego feel stupid or hurt (does this mean I'm identified strongly with it), and that I had attached myself to her. Is this going against Buddhism? The whole idea of attachment? I cannot seem to grasp the concept!
I mean there is the true self underneath everything that is meant to be unaffected by everything external, but inside but I have barely experienced that.
These feeling were really strong and I found myself battling against them, trying to understand them, even trying to accept them was difficult. Sorry this is really long winded, but I'm getting confused now!
As a praticing Buddhist is making attachments wrong? Is there a way it should be praticed? Are there ways to see what I am defending, as I would like to know what it is so strongly inside that makes me so jealous of my girlfriend doing something, is it my ego that is making me insecure?
I'm sorry its long winded and too much about myself but I'm just so confused!
Kind Regards
I've been praticing Buddhism for about a month or so now and have become really intrigued with it! Some concepts i.e. the EightFold Path are relatively easy to understand even if difficult at times to 'live' them.
One thing I've really been struggling with however is that of the ego or the self? Such Ideas have hit home to me, I realise that I defend something and when getting into an arguement I have noticed that something in the back of my head says to me "what are you defending, for what purpose?" this is something that I understood, and through meditation I'm beginning to understand how rooted in myself the indiviual I thought I was exists and in some way how it causes me to suffer. I also understand that I'm not losing the idea of myself by letting go of the self and this I have experienced as being true.
However what is bothering me is that, some deeply rooted things in me stem from my self and its partically difficult. To give an example, I can get a very jealous and today I felt an old thought pattern and response go straight to my head when I heard my girlfriend got drunk last night out with some female and male friends and is planning the same tonight (so much for her Christian camp) anyway, I sat down and meditated on it and realise when I went deep into myself that it reflected back to me, I realised that the idea of myself was involved, how if she 'did' do something that it would affect me, that it would somehow make my ego feel stupid or hurt (does this mean I'm identified strongly with it), and that I had attached myself to her. Is this going against Buddhism? The whole idea of attachment? I cannot seem to grasp the concept!
I mean there is the true self underneath everything that is meant to be unaffected by everything external, but inside but I have barely experienced that.
These feeling were really strong and I found myself battling against them, trying to understand them, even trying to accept them was difficult. Sorry this is really long winded, but I'm getting confused now!
As a praticing Buddhist is making attachments wrong? Is there a way it should be praticed? Are there ways to see what I am defending, as I would like to know what it is so strongly inside that makes me so jealous of my girlfriend doing something, is it my ego that is making me insecure?
I'm sorry its long winded and too much about myself but I'm just so confused!
Kind Regards