TimoS
Master of Arts
Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with
most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet),
or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke
(the all-meat diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3
days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over.
Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have
a gland problem? Or is there a slim (groan) hope?
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet!
Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most
two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black
coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After
consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught
moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive,
offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on
this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor... otherwise you
might have to see him afterward. Good luck!
DAY ONE
-------
Breakfast
One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the
floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and
clothes.
Lunch
Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a
glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner
A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel.
Bedtime Snack
Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
-------
Breakfast
Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half
bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch
Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of
Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack
Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in
dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.
Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner
A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left
nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.
DAY THREE
---------
Breakfast
Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in
hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass.
After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off
fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch
Three matches, peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several
bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner
Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips.
FINAL DAY
---------
Breakfast
A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an
olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a
half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed
cereal to dog.
Lunch
Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that
sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner
A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on
plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
You can also boost your diet with appropriate exercise. Here are some examples:
- Roll and squirm on the supermarket floor and at the same time strengthen you
vocal chords by yelling loudly. Fight back when the guards come to drag you away
- Run everywhere, skipping at regular intervals. Fall down regularly, getting up
strenghtens your muscles. Again, remember your vocal chords: yell while running
- Get a sparring partner for dressing. Resist dressing with all your strength.
Don't be satisfied with first set of clothes, demand to change them at least
three times!
most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet),
or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke
(the all-meat diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3
days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over.
Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have
a gland problem? Or is there a slim (groan) hope?
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet!
Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most
two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black
coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After
consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught
moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive,
offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on
this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor... otherwise you
might have to see him afterward. Good luck!
DAY ONE
-------
Breakfast
One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the
floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and
clothes.
Lunch
Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a
glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner
A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel.
Bedtime Snack
Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
-------
Breakfast
Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half
bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch
Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of
Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack
Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in
dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.
Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner
A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left
nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.
DAY THREE
---------
Breakfast
Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in
hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass.
After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off
fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch
Three matches, peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several
bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner
Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips.
FINAL DAY
---------
Breakfast
A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an
olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a
half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed
cereal to dog.
Lunch
Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that
sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner
A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on
plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
You can also boost your diet with appropriate exercise. Here are some examples:
- Roll and squirm on the supermarket floor and at the same time strengthen you
vocal chords by yelling loudly. Fight back when the guards come to drag you away
- Run everywhere, skipping at regular intervals. Fall down regularly, getting up
strenghtens your muscles. Again, remember your vocal chords: yell while running
- Get a sparring partner for dressing. Resist dressing with all your strength.
Don't be satisfied with first set of clothes, demand to change them at least
three times!
