Need advice.

[Kframe]

Hey guys.

I have been dealing with a issue for 9 years now and its not going away. I have just had another fight with her about it and I don't think it is ever going to change. We have a martial intimacy problem. She has almost no drive what so ever. Im lucky that I had the 2 kids I have now, it was pure luck. We fight about it every year and every year she promises to change and nothing does.. Im tired of feeling like a worthless fool..

Honestly this is the only major issue we have, good other wise, but this is such a huge issue. It wracks me emotionally and makes me feel like im the problem.. I know im heavy, I have always been huge. She married me that way. I am trying to fix it, 100lbs down 100 to go.. Whats odd is that our sex life pre marriage was great. I just feel like she doesn't find me attractive.

Its like it never even cross's her mind, ever. I don't know how such a thing is possible. I have tried many times to get us into councilling or sex therapy but she wants no part of it. Says they are a waste of time and that she does not feel that we have a problem.

She hates that I bring up the past when we talk about it and says I need to move on and just shut up and get over it. That she's tired of my whining.

There are times that go by when I do feel a little better, and I try not to think about it. How ever there comes a point when I get turned down for the 300th time that I start to get angry and resentful. Which then makes me short tempered and terse with her. It is having such a profound negative impact on us. I have repeated kept trying to get her to tell me what is wrong and why she doesn't want me any more and she just says she doesn't know what to say and to let it go and stop whining and get over it.

So the question is, seeing that I have 2 kids and we only make a combined $33k a year, how much is child support going to be for me if I leave her? I know no one can give accurate but id love to hear from some others on what to expect.

I don't want divorce but I cant be miserable for another 10 years. I know the bible says its wrong to divorce but I am nearing my limit to deal with this... I am so sick of being angry and miserable.

Thanks for the imput guys.

 

[jks9199]

This is something that I don't even want to try to address here; it's way out of my areas of expertise. Odds are that the problems aren't where you think they are, what you think they are, and probably lie deeper than you realize and at the very least, you have a communication problem. I strongly encourage you to seek advice from a marriage counselor. There are services everywhere that work on sliding scales; Catholic Charities is just one.

 

[Kframe]

JKS I have tried repeatedly to get us into counseling. She flat out refuses to go to one with me. She wants no part of couples counseling or therapy. I have been trying that for along time and every time it comes up it just starts a fight.

I am just so sick of feeling like this, so sick of feeling like a worthless fool. I know its because I m heavy, I just wish she would come out and tell me about it.

I have tried for years to talk to her to ask every question I could think of in every possible way to get her to tell me what is wrong. All I get is I don't have a answer or I don't know or some snippy talk about how its just me that has a problem.

 

[ballen0351]

I have no answer to your problems. I will address your child support question. Most states use a formula and if you search the web you should be able to find the formula. Usually on the court systems website someplace.
As to the rest if your that unhappy it comes time to do what you got to do. Maybe telling her your considering leaving will show her its serious and she may be more inclined to seeks help with you. If not then at least you tried

 

[Tgace]

I've heard the "you are the only one with a problem" excuse used with other couples....

When you are married and one person has "a problem", then by definition it is a problem for you both.

Have you discussed the "D" word?

Sent from my Kindle Fire using Tapatalk 2

 

[Kframe]

I have discussed it, ill have to see if anything comes of it.

Ballen, ill look it up thank you for the suggestion. To the rest. Ya I am un happy but dang it we had something. I don't want to give this up with out a fight. There must be something im missing. Something over looked. I love her and I don't want to end it brashly or even at all. I am just so tired of being miserable.

Im going to keep trying to push for counseling but I do know that I can not wait forever. Maybe a talk with the gynecologist will help as she has not been to the lady Doctor since our 5 year old was born.... (It didn't occur to me till now to go talk to her, not sure why we haven't done it before?)

I appreciate the advice guys. This is not something I am taking lightly. I am going to explore every thing I can before moving on to any final decisions. I feel that talking to the Gynecologist is the next logical step and then maybe the pastor.

My goal is to start to either finally deal with it or get to the point were I can make the decision to move on..


I cant rush in to this. Sudden change is bad for my autistic son, it would drive him literally insane. The amount of mental damage that would do to him would take years to undo. I know my son and this would be horridly bad for him.

So thanks again for the advice guys, and I appreciate it. Truthfully this is mostly just venting, as it feels good to get it out there.

 

[granfire]

Ok, the gal's point of view:

First of all, get counseling. If she won't go with you, go for yourself. Maybe she'll join you, maybe she won't. ut at least you gave it a go.

Things that turn a gal off, in no particular order:
Being tired from chasing the kids
Cleaning house
Birth control

You mention 10 years, so your kids are under ten. That's an age that sucks a lot of energy out of you. (and frankly, 2 kids is plenty, really)

I know guys don't get it when I tell them that the most sexy thing they can do to 'get more' is to clean house, scrub the toilet, do dishes, etc (and I mean well, not so that you flood the house, ruin her favorite sweater and all the dishes need to be washed again!). so if it is not currently on your plan, have you thought about doing this?

The pill comes in many different formulations. Some kinds kill the mood. Plain as that.

and of course, there is that other possibility:
She has checked out already, doesn't want t anymore. Being roommates is fine with her (or she is getting her kicks some place else)


I was going to say something significant about the religious aspect, but I got run over by my train of thought....

I am assuming that your wife has a similar spiritual back ground...and heaven help me I am putting myself out here...maybe there are some issues of her own she is not comfortable talking about. The 'downtown' areas are sometimes difficult to discuss, even with the person who has seen you naked before.


I would not put too much stake into the biblical thing about divorce. It takes two to tango, and if one has already checked out, you are better off cutting ties than to live with the growing resentment. it's better for you and for your kids!

Good luck to you!

PS:
The OB/GYN will probably not tell you much, but I suppose it won't hurt to have a talk. (but if she has not been back in 5 years, that's not good. Getting the plumbing checked every year, every other at bare minimum....)

 

[Tgace]

Ok, the gal's point of view:

First of all, get counseling. If she won't go with you, go for yourself. Maybe she'll join you, maybe she won't. ut at least you gave it a go.

Things that turn a gal off, in no particular order:
Being tired from chasing the kids
Cleaning house
Birth control

You mention 10 years, so your kids are under ten. That's an age that sucks a lot of energy out of you. (and frankly, 2 kids is plenty, really)

I know guys don't get it when I tell them that the most sexy thing they can do to 'get more' is to clean house, scrub the toilet, do dishes, etc (and I mean well, not so that you flood the house, ruin her favorite sweater and all the dishes need to be washed again!). so if it is not currently on your plan, have you thought about doing this?

The pill comes in many different formulations. Some kinds kill the mood. Plain as that.

and of course, there is that other possibility:
She has checked out already, doesn't want t anymore. Being roommates is fine with her (or she is getting her kicks some place else)


I was going to say something significant about the religious aspect, but I got run over by my train of thought....

I am assuming that your wife has a similar spiritual back ground...and heaven help me I am putting myself out here...maybe there are some issues of her own she is not comfortable talking about. The 'downtown' areas are sometimes difficult to discuss, even with the person who has seen you naked before.


I would not put too much stake into the biblical thing about divorce. It takes two to tango, and if one has already checked out, you are better off cutting ties than to live with the growing resentment. it's better for you and for your kids!

Good luck to you!

PS:
The OB/GYN will probably not tell you much, but I suppose it won't hurt to have a talk. (but if she has not been back in 5 years, that's not good. Getting the plumbing checked every year, every other at bare minimum....)

Good points. One of the best moves I made was to get the "Big V" and let my wife get off of BC.

...but even so, mood..lack of energy..kids..etc...10 years of "problems" in the bedroom? Isn't there some point where ya have to "just do it" for the sake of the marriage?

 

[oftheherd1]

Granfire has good advice, from a woman's point of view. Worth listening to.

Except the part about religion. If it's that much a part of your life, don. If you are willing to ask people on the MT forum, why not ask your pastor?

I wish you luck with this problem. I can't really offer any advice beyond what has already been offered, and what you have already tried. I will pray for you and your family.

 

[arnisador]

Good advice! Counseling is key--but getting her to join you may be tough. One caveat to what was said:

I know guys don't get it when I tell them that the most sexy thing they can do to 'get more' is to clean house, scrub the toilet, do dishes, etc (and I mean well, not so that you flood the house, ruin her favorite sweater and all the dishes need to be washed again!). so if it is not currently on your plan, have you thought about doing this?

Statistically, it doesn't work out like people expect:
Does a More Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex?

A study called “Egalitarianism, Housework and Sexual Frequency in Marriage,” which appeared in The American Sociological Review last year, surprised many, precisely because it went against the logical assumption that as marriages improve by becoming more equal, the sex in these marriages will improve, too. Instead, it found that when men did certain kinds of chores around the house, couples had less sex. Specifically, if men did all of what the researchers characterized as feminine chores like folding laundry, cooking or vacuuming — the kinds of things many women say they want their husbands to do — then couples had sex 1.5 fewer times per month than those with husbands who did what were considered masculine chores, like taking out the trash or fixing the car. It wasn’t just the frequency that was affected, either — at least for the wives. The more traditional the division of labor, meaning the greater the husband’s share of masculine chores compared with feminine ones, the greater his wife’s reported sexual satisfaction.

On another line of thought...if divorce is in the works, a thread like this could potentially be used against you.

 

[donald1]

Hey guys.

I have been dealing with a issue for 9 years now and its not going away. I have just had another fight with her about it and I don't think it is ever going to change. We have a martial intimacy problem. She has almost no drive what so ever. Im lucky that I had the 2 kids I have now, it was pure luck. We fight about it every year and every year she promises to change and nothing does

Honestly this is the only major issue we have, good other wise, but this is such a huge issue.

Its like it never even cross's her mind, ever. I don't know how such a thing is possible. I have tried many times to get us into councilling or sex therapy but she wants no part of it. Says they are a waste of time and that she does not feel that we have a problem.

She hates that I bring up the past when we talk about it and says I need to move on and just shut up and get over it. That she's tired of my whining.

There are times that go by when I do feel a little better, and I try not to think about it.



I don't want divorce but I cant be miserable for another 10 years. I know the bible says its wrong to divorce but I am nearing my limit to deal with this... I am so sick of being angry and miserable.

Thanks for the imput guys.

sometimes when i do really big challenges it helps to break it down into small steps(as few steps as possible)

weight problems only seem like a problem if you think about it, a well balanced eating plan with a routine excersize could help that(it dosnt have to be a big excersize, it can start out easy then progress as youget better)

this is just a guess, is it denial? sometimes when people see there is a problem they know there is a problem but there too scared to do anything about the problem

its okay to remember them, that's what makes you normal. i don't remember the full saying but "what dosn't kill them makes them stronger"

maybe you can persuade her that you guys could see a marriage counselor ("for the kids and that your marriage lasts longer")

Best of luck

 

[EddieCyrax]

I am not a lawyer, just a guy who has witnessed many friends go through the bid "D".

My only advise to you, is be careful what you put in print. This very thread "can and will" be used against you in a D hearing.

 

[granfire]

Good advice! Counseling is key--but getting her to join you may be tough. One caveat to what was said:



Statistically, it doesn't work out like people expect:
Does a More Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex?



On another line of thought...if divorce is in the works, a thread like this could potentially be used against you.

Interesting study.

However, I am speaking more from personal experience...less on my plate to take care of, more chances somebody gets lucky, vs getting his fool head chewed off.

 

[Kframe]

Hey guys.

We talked about it today. She is still uncertain about the validity of the counseling arts, but has agreed to start looking for a councilor. Secondly we are going to pursue the medical side of this as because this isn't just a few times a month issue, its more like we only get busy twice a year issue. So I feel that maybe something medical is going on.

She doesn't like the fact that we fight about it all the time. She has agreed there is a issue but wants me to stop getting so angry about it.


I think that it is a start. I am not going to give this up with out a fight. I have been coasting through this for to long. Ill keep you posted and let you know what's up.

To my lady friends here. Along time ago she had Polyps removed from her Ovaries. I wonder if maybe they returned and could be causing some hormonal issues??

 

[granfire]

The polyps she needs to discuss with her doctor. I suppose it is possible (Web MD can tell you more though)

But seriously - again speaking from my heart here - don't involve too many strangers with her medical history.

A couple of years ago I found a lump in my breast. Before I even got t see my doctor my boob was on every prayer list in the county! I was really unhappy about that! While I understood my husband's fears (my sister had passed away from breast cancer a few years prior) I am private about my boobs. I did not rip him a new one, but I was pretty mad!

Glad to hear she is giving it a go.
Marriage isn't for the faint of heart!
It takes a lot of work.

 

[jks9199]

Hey guys.

We talked about it today. She is still uncertain about the validity of the counseling arts, but has agreed to start looking for a councilor. Secondly we are going to pursue the medical side of this as because this isn't just a few times a month issue, its more like we only get busy twice a year issue. So I feel that maybe something medical is going on.

She doesn't like the fact that we fight about it all the time. She has agreed there is a issue but wants me to stop getting so angry about it.


I think that it is a start. I am not going to give this up with out a fight. I have been coasting through this for to long. Ill keep you posted and let you know what's up.

To my lady friends here. Along time ago she had Polyps removed from her Ovaries. I wonder if maybe they returned and could be causing some hormonal issues??

Regarding counseling... what you need isn't someone to "fix" your relationship. You need someone to help the two of you learn how to communicate more effectively. You're looking at a symptom write now (not enough activity in the bedroom) and not the root cause.

 

[Brian King]

Counseling can give you or you both new or better communication skills. They are not a perfect pill and come with homework that will need to get done. If you cannot get her to go to counseling go yourself. Your church should be able to help find a counselor or pastor to help you. Sounds like you both are angry and hurt, so besides learning how to speak a more helpful language, counseling might help you to deal with guilt, blame, and forgiveness. Again if she wont go, get yourself to counseling. If she sees improvement maybe that will help to convince her in the benefit but even if she doesn't, you can only change yourself and you can only effect yourself and counseling might give you the tools to do so.

Divorce rarely helps and brings along many more problems. HIGHLY recommend this book by Diane Medved http://www.amazon.com/Case-Against-...8&qid=1392094200&sr=1-1&keywords=diane+medved

(If you send me an address and promise to read it, I will buy one of the used ones and send it to you as a gift with the caveat that when finished with it, you give it to some other couple scared and having trouble)

Good luck
Regards
Brian King

 

[Carol]

Good points. One of the best moves I made was to get the "Big V" and let my wife get off of BC.

...but even so, mood..lack of energy..kids..etc...10 years of "problems" in the bedroom? Isn't there some point where ya have to "just do it" for the sake of the marriage?

Yes. Absolutely.

I went through hell for a long time with a disorder that was sucking the soul out of me and leaving only generic symptoms (such as exhaustion). A neurological/autoimmune matter was finally identified and treatment was a smashing success. But before the success, I had to sustain many failures and misdiagnoses. Unfortunately that's a rather standard course for patients that have a rare disorder of some sort. The common causes are explored before the rare causes. Brutal as it was though, it was great to get better. The day I was diagnosed was one of the best days of my life

Failed treatments are no fun, because it means the meds aren't making you better and often bring side effects that make you feel even worse. But even when the med-du-jour took my libido away, I was married at the time and still pushed myself to have some sort of intimate relations with my husband. It wasn't what we were used to but I wasn't exactly leaving him in the cold either. I didn't want to, even though my own body was betraying me.

No intimacy at all...there's a lot going on there, in my untrained opinion. There may be a medical component to the picture, but even if a medical issue is addressed, getting a prescription filled will not address 10 years of habits.

 

[donald1]

Hey guys.

We talked about it today. She is still uncertain about the validity of the counseling arts, but has agreed to start looking for a councilor. Secondly we are going to pursue the medical side of this as because this isn't just a few times a month issue, its more like we only get busy twice a year issue. So I feel that maybe something medical is going on.

She doesn't like the fact that we fight about it all the time. She has agreed there is a issue but wants me to stop getting so angry about it.


I think that it is a start. I am not going to give this up with out a fight. I have been coasting through this for to long. Ill keep you posted and let you know what's up.

To my lady friends here. Along time ago she had Polyps removed from her Ovaries. I wonder if maybe they returned and could be causing some hormonal issues??

good luck with that hope all works out

 

[Brian R. VanCise]

Good luck and I hope you guy's are able to get some counseling and work things out!