Light Bulb jokes

[shesulsa]

I thought, since I've been getting a few light bulb jokes in my email lately, I'd start a thread and everyone can contribute your fave light bulb jokes.

Here's the one I got today:

Q:
How many women with PMS
does it take to change a light
bulb?

Woman 's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!!
And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this
house knows HOW to change a light bulb!
They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!!
They would sit in the dark for
THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out,
they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been
in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILLBE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP ORCARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry...What was the question?​

 

[exile]

Geo, all I can say is...

:bow: :bow: :bow:

I think I'm gonna show Daphne that one. And if you never hear from me again, just remember that I was immensely fond of you all, and you can figure out what happened to me... :uhohh:

 

[Jimi]

How many egomaniacs does it take to change a light bulb?


Just one to hold the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around them

 

[bluekey88]

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Eight. One to screw in the light bulb and seven otyhers to go "Yeah, I could do that."

Peace,
Erik

 

[shesulsa]

How many egomaniacs does it take to change a light bulb?


Just one to hold the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around them

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Eight. One to screw in the light bulb and seven otyhers to go "Yeah, I could do that."

Peace,
Erik

Ha! My daughter's a trumpet player - high brass kicks *** - and brought home a combo of the above two - which I'm sure we'll be seeing some version of many times over here:

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one because s/he does it so well and the world revolves around him/her.

-or-

Twelve. One to do the job and eleven others to say they could have played it louder.

-or-

Five. One to do it and four others to complain about how they didn't get first chair ... AGAIN!!!

 

[exile]

Variant: how many operatic sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three: one to stand on the ladder to screw in the bulb and two to try to kick the ladder out from under her.

 

[Nomad]

How many surreal painters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Seven. 4 to lead the giraffe up the ladder and 3 to throw monkey wrenches in the bathtub.



How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. The trick is getting them in there...

 

[bookworm_cn317]

How many Pisces does it take to screw a light-bulb in?
The light's out?!

 

[Andy Moynihan]

How many gun control advocates does it take to change the light bulb?

They don't. They pass laws against lightbulbs burning out, and then wonder why its still so dark. Meanwhile a lot of people get hurt/killed because they couldn't see.

 

[Kreth]

An old Usenet post...

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,331:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey.

19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

 

[bluekey88]

A few from the field of psychology:

How many personality disorders does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many Narcissistic P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. To hold the lightbulb but he has to wait for the whole world to
revolve around him.

How many Borderline P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. To threaten suicide if you don't change it for him/her.

How many Obsessive-Compulsive P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. But he has to check it 100 times, one for each watt.

How many Passive Aggressive P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb?
Oops.I can't believe I broke the last one. I guess you'll have to sit in
the dark.

How many Dependent P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb?
None, he's still clinging to the old lightbulb.

How many Histrionic P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb?
"You want me to change the lightbulb? I could burn my hand! I could be
electrocuted! I could fall off the ladder and be paralyzed for life! You
don't love me anymore!"

Finally, how many therpaists does it tke to change a light bulb? None, the lightbulb will change when it is ready.

Peace,
Erik

 

[jukado1]

How meany black belts does it take to change a light bulb ??????

No one knows, We have been trying for 3 hours but haven't been able to do it yet.
We wii get back to you as soon as we do it.

 

[shesulsa]

How many KMAists does it take to change a light bulb?

Nobody knows - they're too busy arguing where lightbulbs come from and who's authorized to get a new one and nobody can touch the old one.

 

[Mimir]

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? 29


1 to see that a request for a new light bulb has been entered into the helpdesk.

1 to approve the request for a new light bulb.

1 to request a user specification sheet be filled out on exactly what they want in a new light bulb.

1 to reject the initial user specification as being too vague.

1 to approve the new improved user specification.

1 to design the low level bulb object.

1 to create the bulb methods for turning the light on and off.

1 to implement the new light bulb object implementation.

1 to write the light bulb test case.

1 to run the light bulb test.

1 to review the code.

1 to request the light bulb code be moved to the pre-production environment.

1 to install the light bulb code in the pre-production environment

1 to request the user approve the new light bulb as meeting their requirements.

at this point we will have to restart the process because the user has changed the specification.

1 to request the new light bulb be promoted from pre-production to production.

user has now purchased a new light socket that makes the existing light bulb obsolete, so start over AGAIN.

 

[bluemtn]

Found this joke at maxabout.com...

Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."

 

[punisher73]

How many karatekas (or any other MA stylist here) does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, and then everyone else sits around and says "That's not how my sensei does it!"

 

[lemon_meringue]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness™ as the new industry standard.

I also got an email recently entitled "How many students does it take to change a lightbulb at..." followed by a loooong list of unis. I've selected my favourites:

[/FONT]St. Andrews: Three - One to call the butler and two to arrange a tailor in Rome to design and make new suits for the special occasion. If a light bulb in a major building blows then increase to 27 to allow for a brass band playing the last post and five Sun reporters. The following day's Sun will contain something along the lines of "Will's Pals in Blown Bulb Horror".

Bath: Seven - Five to form a radical new initiative called 'TeamBulb Focus', one to make a public announcement stating "A successful environment is not about pushing yourself to the absolute limit" and one to change the light bulb before it's actually blown.

Cambridge: Three - one to mix the martinis, one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay for the bill.

DeMontfort: Seven - Two to change the bulb and five to write an interpretive modern drama about the experience.

Liverpool: Only one, but he gets 10 course credits for doing it.

Oxford: change? change?? CHANGE???????? Ok, let's do it in 300 years.

Plymouth: Six - One to change it and five to campaign to make light bulb changing a new degree subject. (just incase you don't get it, Plymouth offers a degree in surfing)

Pontypridd: Ten - One to buy the light bulb and nine to petition for the eventual electrification of Pontypridd.

Sheffield: 51 - one to change the bulb and 50 to sit around saying they were well clever enough to change it but they couldn't be bothered.

UNL: Nobody Knows - The light bulbs stay with North London U. longer than the students.

Since I have friends at most of the above unis, I find it hilarious :rofl:
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I'm not saying which one I'm at though....
[/FONT]

 

[Kacey]

From an email I've received several times:

How many dogs does it take to......

These are the answers from dogs when asked "How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?"



Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?


Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.


Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!


Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!


Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .


Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?


Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.


Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.


Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.


Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.


Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ


Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.


Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.


Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...


Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?


Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...


Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?