Kung Fu Vs ???

The Master

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Kung Fu Vs ???

In the spirit of my MMA Vs ??? thread, and as I futilely hunt around my medicine cabinet for something to take the edge off, I decided to put pen to screen again. After trying to write on my monitor I remembered the keyboard was there and so began this continuing look at "Art vs Art". This moments episode: Kung Fu.

Invented in the 70's in California by a guy named Lee, Kung Fu is used all over the world, in movies and most recently by my aunt Stacy at the mall while trying to get the last Wii at Best Buy. I think. Might have been Kenpo, but it started with a K whatever she did. Kung Fu is noted for it's ability to train you to fight from tree top, while walking on water, and in "Bullet Time".

Kung Fu vs Ninjas.
Ninjas are mammals. Ninjas like to freak out and kill things. Ninjas like Real Ultimate Power! Be wary of the Ninja. He is noted by the black mask he wears and being too poor to afford shoes with more than 2 toes. Avoid shadows, ninjas hate sunlight and their evil powers don't work under it. Always draw them out into the sunlight. Use "Hang Time" to your benefit to beat ninjas.


Kung Fu vs MMA
MMAists come in 2 types. The UFCer and the AnythingGoes. Defeating the UFCer on his home turf is hard. There are no trees or water to walk on in the cage, and most weapons aren't allowed. Avoid the DQ and jump him in the parking lot after the match. The AnythingGoes is a tougher battle. His specialty is cross eyed training, which means he may have spent a few days in a kung fu school or watching the Matrix so will know many of your moves. To defeat him you will have to dig deep into the ancient scrolls, and hit him with the scroll caddy.


Kung Fu vs FMA
These guys carry more weapons than you do, but lack your tree walking ability. Get the FMAist to follow you up the tree, then jump off tossing him into the next island. Let him become someone elses problem. Whatever you do, do not allow any opponent to tie you down. This negates your water walk and tree run skills. That would be bad.


Kung Fu vs Kung Fu
Remember, when fighting another Kung Fu Fighter, to first put on some mood music, and loudly describe which family member you believe your opponent to have wronged. For maximum effect you must have your lips out of sync with your words. Try to find common ground with your opponent so that when your fight is over you may have a new ally to confront the emperor with.


Kung Fu vs TKD
Leap in to air, boot hits wrong head. Suggest running the TKDist down in the parking lot with your car.


Kung Fu vs Superman
Right, big muscles, impervious to bullets, hair that doesn't move under direct nuclear blast, and a pants buldge you can only dream of. He's stand there for a weekend and let you kick and chop until your arm falls off, then BBQ you with his heat vision.
Winner - Superman.



In parting, I hope this non comprehensive and thoughtless look at kung fu has aided your training, either in the martial arts or competitive eating. For me, I must leave now and return to my medicine chest where I will hopefully find something to take the pain away. I leave you with this parting word of wizdumb: If your kung fu school is too hot, give your students bigger fans and make them move faster. Going from Tai Chi to WuShu can save 10% on energy bills alone!

Remember folks, the secret is to bang the heads together!

I am The Master, this has been your Wacky Martial Arts Moment!
 

Xue Sheng

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Kung Fu Vs ???

Kung Fu vs Superman
Right, big muscles, impervious to bullets, hair that doesn't move under direct nuclear blast, and a pants buldge you can only dream of. He's stand there for a weekend and let you kick and chop until your arm falls off, then BBQ you with his heat vision.
Winner - Superman.

OK... I have NO problem with any of this EXCEPT this last peice....

Kwai Chang Caine could kick supermans butt and so could that guy named Lee :uhyeah:
 
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