Jokes, Witticisms and Insults

Gyakuto

Master of Arts
Supporting Member
Joined
Nov 21, 2020
Messages
1,996
Reaction score
1,559
Location
UK
Two old men bump into each other in supermarket having both lost their wives somewhere in the shop. One says to the other, "Perhaps we can help each other find them. What does ur wife look like?" "Well, let‘s see, she's 23, just under 6 foot tall, blonde with long legs, big boobs and wearing a figure-hugging red dress and high heels. What does your wife look like?" "Forget mine," he says, "let's look for yours"
 
OP
Gyakuto

Gyakuto

Master of Arts
Supporting Member
Joined
Nov 21, 2020
Messages
1,996
Reaction score
1,559
Location
UK
Americans think 100 years is a long time. The British think 100 miles is a long way.
 
OP
Gyakuto

Gyakuto

Master of Arts
Supporting Member
Joined
Nov 21, 2020
Messages
1,996
Reaction score
1,559
Location
UK
What is the difference between the government and the mafia?

One of them is organised😐
 
OP
Gyakuto

Gyakuto

Master of Arts
Supporting Member
Joined
Nov 21, 2020
Messages
1,996
Reaction score
1,559
Location
UK
College students are simultaneously stereotyped for not getting enough sleep and for sleeping all the time.


Corrupt cops are just undercover criminals.
 

Steve

Mostly Harmless
Joined
Jul 9, 2008
Messages
21,841
Reaction score
7,351
Location
Covington, WA
Two guys walk into a bar. One says, “I’ll have an H2O.” The other says, “I’ll have an H2O, too.” Only one made it out alive.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, “how much for a beer?” Bartender says, “For you? No charge.”
 
OP
Gyakuto

Gyakuto

Master of Arts
Supporting Member
Joined
Nov 21, 2020
Messages
1,996
Reaction score
1,559
Location
UK
We need ‘Groan’ warning for some of these.
 
OP
Gyakuto

Gyakuto

Master of Arts
Supporting Member
Joined
Nov 21, 2020
Messages
1,996
Reaction score
1,559
Location
UK
When we're young, we sneak out of our houses to go to parties. When we're old, we sneak out of parties to go home.

My ex-wife is so stupid she could be out-manoeuvred by a statue of Stephen Hawking.
 
OP
Gyakuto

Gyakuto

Master of Arts
Supporting Member
Joined
Nov 21, 2020
Messages
1,996
Reaction score
1,559
Location
UK
The only part of your reflection you can lick is your tongue

I have seen more of the surface of the Moon with my own eyes than I have of Earth.

Watching a graduation ceremony is like sitting through a movie that's entirely end credits.
 
OP
Gyakuto

Gyakuto

Master of Arts
Supporting Member
Joined
Nov 21, 2020
Messages
1,996
Reaction score
1,559
Location
UK
There is probably a tree somewhere out there now that is growing the wood for your coffin. ⚰️

A successful marriage ends with watching the other person die.😬
 

Oily Dragon

Senior Master
Joined
May 2, 2020
Messages
3,257
Reaction score
1,647
A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar.









































All three suffered concussions and sued.
 

Steve

Mostly Harmless
Joined
Jul 9, 2008
Messages
21,841
Reaction score
7,351
Location
Covington, WA
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

Two atoms were walking down the street. One atom said, “Hold up. I lost an electron!” The other atom said, “are you sure?” The first atom said, “I’m positive!”

Of course, everyone knows that when you lose an electron, it’s because you didn’t keep an ion it.

A neutron walks into a bar and says, “How much for a drink?” Bartender replied, “For you? No charge.”

(Sorry guys, most of the jokes I know are from my older daughter who is a chemist).
 
OP
Gyakuto

Gyakuto

Master of Arts
Supporting Member
Joined
Nov 21, 2020
Messages
1,996
Reaction score
1,559
Location
UK
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

Two atoms were walking down the street. One atom said, “Hold up. I lost an electron!” The other atom said, “are you sure?” The first atom said, “I’m positive!”

Of course, everyone knows that when you lose an electron, it’s because you didn’t keep an ion it.

A neutron walks into a bar and says, “How much for a drink?” Bartender replied, “For you? No charge.”

(Sorry guys, most of the jokes I know are from my older daughter who is a chemist).
😐 Can people be thrown off this forum for terrible jokes? 😉
 
OP
Gyakuto

Gyakuto

Master of Arts
Supporting Member
Joined
Nov 21, 2020
Messages
1,996
Reaction score
1,559
Location
UK
The person who invented audio recording probably thought it didn't work right when their voice sounded different in the recording.

Your belly button is just your old mouth.
 

Kung Fu Wang

Sr. Grandmaster
MT Mentor
Joined
Sep 26, 2012
Messages
13,962
Reaction score
4,452
Location
Austin, Tx/Shell Beach, Ca
Here are some of my favor jokes to share.

A: It's dangerous to go to the Central Park.
B: You are right. When I go over there, everybody in that park will be in danger.

A: How do you solve this problem?
B: I don't need to solve this problem. I only need to eliminate the person who caused this problem.

A: It's not good to have revenge attitude.
B: I don't have revenge attitude. I take care my revenge within the same day.

A: My boyfriend hasn't contact me for a week. I worry about he may be sick or something.
B: You need to have positive attitude. Your boyfriend may be dead.
 

Monkey Turned Wolf

MT Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Jan 4, 2012
Messages
12,142
Reaction score
6,193
Location
New York
Not a joke/witticism: You guys were useful yesterday. Got sprung in a team meeting that as a newbie to the team I had to make at least one person laugh. Stole the h202 joke and it worked.

To make this post appropriate to the thread:
How many martial artists are needed to screw in a lightbulb?
100. 1 to screw it in, and 99 to watch on the side, criticizing his technique.
 
OP
Gyakuto

Gyakuto

Master of Arts
Supporting Member
Joined
Nov 21, 2020
Messages
1,996
Reaction score
1,559
Location
UK
Not a joke/witticism: You guys were useful yesterday. Got sprung in a team meeting that as a newbie to the team I had to make at least one person laugh. Stole the h202 joke and it worked.

To make this post appropriate to the thread:
How many martial artists are needed to screw in a lightbulb?
100. 1 to screw it in, and 99 to watch on the side, criticizing his technique.
It hurts a bit that you didn’t use one of mine, but…I’ll get over it….😥
 
OP
Gyakuto

Gyakuto

Master of Arts
Supporting Member
Joined
Nov 21, 2020
Messages
1,996
Reaction score
1,559
Location
UK
😄🤣😂😂😄🤣
 

Latest Discussions

Top