Funny things said on accident

[IcemanSK]

For those of you who aren't old enough to know who comedian Norm Crosby is, he was a guy famous for mixing up words (or saying the wrong thing) & making it funny. My mom does this too...but totally on accident.

For example, when I was 10, my folks, sister & grandmother were on a long car ride. It was time to take a pit stop. Mom says, "Yeah, let's get out of the car & spread our legs." 28 years later we still laugh at it.

What have you or a friend said by mistake that broke everyone up?

 

[MA-Caver]

Just a few days ago I was with a guy who was new to caving. He was telling me that he knew of a cave that they called Glory Hole. My own group also has a cave by the same name.
We were talking about wanting to see each other's caves and I said: "Well it sounds cool, we'll go show you our cave and you can show us your "Glory Hole.... uhh, wait... scratch that ... umm..."

 

[Nomad]

A friend of ours was in a jacuzzi with my wife and I and her four year old son, who was sitting on her lap. Then the boy says "Mommy, mommy, close your legs or I'll fall in the hole!"

Took about 10 minutes for the three of us to stop laughing...

 

[crushing]

My family was eating at a Chinese restaurant that had placemats with the Chinese zodiac. My children were having fun figuring out the animals for the years we were born. My elementary school aged son looked at my year and then loudly and proudly proclaimed, "Dad, you're a cock!"

I sure was glad I hadn't started on my soup yet, because I don't want to know what it is like to have drops of egg lodged in my nasal passages.

 

[IcemanSK]

My wife reminded me of another funny thing my mom said recently.

My cousin (who is 23, rich & gorgeous) has always had a slight speech problem. Recently, she went to a surgeon & had it corrected. My mom told my wife & I that it was "a problem with her tongue. She's always had it. It's genital."

It took my wife 5 minutes to get off the floor from laughing so hard & ask my mom, "Did you Congenital?"

Ya gotta love mom.

 

[Sam]

I had a really great instructor who recently passed away who did this often.

A few occassions come to mind:

We were talking about movies once, and I remember he said, "I don't know why, but I just really really like snatch."
I couldnt stop laughing for about 5 minutes.

Another time, I injured my hand and he offered to hold the kicking pad for my partner. I said I would go first because he was eating. and he said, "Or, if you want to, you can hold my banana"

 

[crushing]

A few years ago I received a computer help desk call voicemail from someone who was running low on storage space on a network drive.

The voicemail went something like this:

"Hi. This is Jennifer. I'm having some problems and was wondering if you could increase my diks space, err diks. . .ummm. . . disk space on my P: drive."

Of course I had to play it back over and over for the other guys on the team. I told Mr. Jesse K., "I'm a happily married man. You're single, would you like to take this request?"

I had that voicemail saved for months. When things got a little stressful or monotonous I would just whip out my disk space voicemail for the crew.

 

[Sam]

I remember another funny one by the same guy.

I was (and still am) learning this kata which I do NOT care for - Crane. He was asking me why I don't like it, and I said I thought it too flowery.

His response was, "You think it's bad now, you should've seen it back when I learned it! We've completely deflowered that kata!"

 

[HKphooey]

My mom I have posted her funny mis-sayings before) was telling me one time about a lady at work who had a funny feeling her daughter was in an accident. Turns out she was. My mom said she must have ESPN. We all had dinner and drinks coming oout of our noses.

 

[MRE]

Those are hilarious! It reminds me of when I first met my wife's mother when we were dating in college. My wife and her mom are very good golfers, and they invited me to play with their club one weekend. So I got all spiffed up in my golf gear to join them. When I got to the course, I found that their golf group was all women. This wasn't a problem to me until, when we were getting ready to load up on the cart, my now mother-in-law noticed that one of the zippers on my bag was opened. Helpfully, she told me in her loud voice that everyone in the group overheard "Ed, you better pull up your zipper, your balls are falling out". I almost died of humiliation as 30 women looked at me and started laughing.

That was 10 years ago, and I still get teased about it by that group of women today.

 

[Flying Crane]

I work in the legal dept. of a large financial firm. One day I received a telephone message from a woman stating that she is a paralegal with Such and Such law firm, and needed to discuss the status of a subpoena that we had been served with. She left her callback number where she could be reached.

I called the number to discuss the issue with her, and discovered that the number she had left on the message was actually the number for a phonesex service. Made me wonder if she had been moonlighting on the side, and simply left the wrong number by mistake.

 

[Elayna]

My son is 19 months old, and at that age, where you start yelling at him by his name... Like..."Michael stop that" "Michael dont make me tell you again". And we have a dog named Ben...and Im always saying "Ben dont eat that" "Ben get off the bed". LOLSo one day, Im yelling at michael...and Im mad...he threw something fragile...and Ohh boy here it comes..."Ben I cant believe you threw that" LOL LOL.Well...The stern look me and my hubby had went right out the window and we just started laughing. Michael ended up getting chocolate. LOL LOL ~ a little parent humor ~

 

[KenpoSterre]

At graduation my principle was giving a speech and said:

"This year has been very sex filled....I mean successful."

 

[kid]

I was at a wedding recently and the preacher was giving his personalized speach. He was talking about how alisha was supposed to support nate and nate was supposed to support alisha like a "cock swing". he realized his mistake and covered it up by telling everyone what a coxswain was.

Kid

 

[Jimi]

Years ago my wife and I used to work at the Maryland Renn Fest. We had to dress in period costumes while working the Tavern serving beers. Many people who worked at and attended the Fest. recognised us, being the beer keep makes you popular. LOL. Well during the off season we were walking thru the mall and someone from the Fest. recognised us after a little uncertainty. She walked up to us and said loudly," Hey guys, how are you? Wow, I didn't recognise you guys with your clothes on". LOL. It took about 3 seconds before she realised how it sounded. "Oh, I mean, I didn't recognise you without your costumes" she said blushing full red in the face. LOL. That was funny to me. PEACE

 

[crushing]

I was stationed in Germany while in the Army. After arriving in Germany I took an headstart German language class to help me get around and go shopping on the economy. One place I liked going was the local schwimbad, a public swimming pool. Basically, you pay 5 marks to swim in a big pool. They also had some water slides.

Anyway, I'm standing in line at a water slide and a German lady comes up to me in line asking me a question or telling me something. I had no idea what she was saying, so in the best German I could muster I replied with something like, "Sie sprechen nicht Deutsche." She smiled politely and left me alone. I thought to myself, "cool, I just spoke some German," and thought more about what I said. OH CRAP! I just told her that she doesn't speak German. Although it's funny now, I felt really embarrassed at the time.

 

[Sam]

I would think thats really funny if someone told me I didnt speak english in terrible english.

 

[Kreth]

Several years ago I was picking up Chinese take-out. The girl at the register handed me my order and said "Do you wanna fok?" I blinked and said, "Excuse me?" Then she held up some plastic forks and said, "Fok, do you want?" :lol:

 

[Carol]

Several years ago I was picking up Chinese take-out. The girl at the register handed me my order and said "Do you wanna fok?" I blinked and said, "Excuse me?" Then she held up some plastic forks and said, "Fok, do you want?" :lol:

:rofl: ohhh thats a good one! So Kreth, did you wanna fok????? :roflmao:

Reminds me of a time I was out with my parents. We were at the time living near Chicago, and were at some Scottish-themed place in Virginia. I was sitting on the back bumper of the family car talking to my mom, and this old Scotsman comes up to me and says "Are ye lust?" I was like ... what? Then he said it again. "Are ye lust?" This time he had my mom's attention as well, and she asked the guy what he meant.

He grinned and pointed to our car's Illinois license plate (positioned right next to where I was sitting) and wondered if we were lost.

"Ye come here all the way from Illi-noise...are ye lust?"

 

[Kreth]

:rofl: ohhh thats a good one! So Kreth, did you wanna fok????? :roflmao:

Well, she was kinda cute---er, no, I usually use chopsticks...