eHarmony Off Topic Posts Split

[rdonovan1]

Because that's how you're going about it. Try looking for someone you simply would enjoy spending time with, whether they were male or female.

And being someone that people would want to spend time with.

Stop treating it as some game or some hunt, and simply do things that interest you with other people. By definition, they'll be interested in the same thing... and you just might be amazed at what happens if you're simply yourself.

Without giving someone you don't hardly know nearly a thousand bucks.


Once again, I'll note that there is EXACTLY one thing in common with all of the complaints you're making. When you change that... you'll probably find the rest changes too.

For what it's worth... My wife and I actually met online. Neither of us were looking for romance that way; we simply were participating in message boards that interested us. One thing led to another, we met in real life, and a few years later got married.

How do I get past some of the rudeness that I have seen some women display? I'm just curious because even with what I know about the whole dating, mating, and relating scene I still have not been able to really create that attraction and to really get women interested in me or at least not the one's that I really would like to be going out with.

The best thing that I have learned is to basically act like you are not really interested at all while at the same time doing everything that you can to make yourself more interesting.

When time and money permit I am constantly trying to improve my overall game so that I can catch the interest of that one special woman and keep her interest in me. It's not easy to do because as I have learned if you act too much like her friend then that is where you will stay as women tend to compartmentalize men in their minds and if you are not appearing to her that you are the alpha male, then she will basically only want to be friends with you and that is at best.

I've been thinking about it for a long time because of a failed relationship that I once had with a woman that I knew in high school. When I met her I was like most guys at the time thinking about things like how much fun I can have by doing things like hanging out with friends, partying, and of course the standard male thought of having as much sex with as many women as I could.

I was not thinking about things like love, relationships or anything else like that until I met this girl. After I met her my line of thinking completely changed and ever since then I have been thinking that I made a lot of mistakes with her simply because I was not paying attention to the details and to the signals that she gave me.

I've been thinking about it because while I would like to be able to see her again and to maybe even find out as to what the heck I did wrong with the relationship I don't think that will ever happen and that the best thing that I can do is to just simply learn from not only that relationship, but from every interaction that I have ever had with a woman.

I think that I've come to understand some of my mistakes, but there are still a lot that I know that I have made with women that I still have not really learned from and I am hoping to change that so that I am not making as many of the same mistakes with women in the future that I did in the past.

I know that I blew one potential relationship with a girl because I got too excited and carried away with the whole idea of traveling the world meeting women and doing the import/export business. As a result I broke rapport with her and she ended the dialoge that I had with her.

 

[Tez3]

Oh my giddy aunt.
Mr Donovan, you have already been given excellent advice by jks, stop treating it as a game or a hunt he said and you know what he's right!

You have such a negative attitude about people and women in particular that unless you change your views about them you will never be happy let along find a partner.
There's one rule in life that you should stick to and thats "treat everyone as you wish to be treated", yes thee will stil be disappointed with some people, thats their problem not yours but on the whole you will get more out of life from that simple rule than if you don't live by it. You don't have to spend your life trying to get one up on everybody.

If someones rude to you, forget it and move on. Forget trying to be interesting it will come across as being false, you will be interesting by just being yourself not someone you think you should be. You've listed a number of interests you already have, concentrate on them, someone who shares those interests and with whom you have a lot in common will come along and you will find you form a relationship without trying (afterwards you have to work at it though lol).

Stop trying so hard, it's off putting. Don't think, do as Bruce Lee said, goodadvice actually, don't overthink and analyse things so much, get out enjoy the sunshine on your face and thank whatever being you believe in that you're alive ( or just thank your luck), Instead of moaning count all your blessings and tust me you have far more than you imagine, make a big list of them.

I've been with my other half now for 34 four years, it's been up and down of course, no marriage is plain sailing but it's actually far easier than you are making it out to be. I met him when I was posted into the same RAF station and we went around in a group of friends first of all, then we got together. A lot of my friends met their partners the same way, in a group of people with the same interests then finding the one they wantd to go out with. One friend went to a folk club as she loved folk music and found her partner there, she wasn't looking, just went to enjoy the music with like minded people.

Look up local clubs which do the things you're interested in, look at the interest first as you aren't hunting for women! Get stuck into activities, volunteering,sports all these will help you come in contact with like minded people and perhaps, maybe there will be a partner for you, if not then you are still doing something that you enjoy.

 

[rdonovan1]

Oh my giddy aunt.
Mr Donovan, you have already been given excellent advice by jks, stop treating it as a game or a hunt he said and you know what he's right!

You have such a negative attitude about people and women in particular that unless you change your views about them you will never be happy let along find a partner.
There's one rule in life that you should stick to and thats "treat everyone as you wish to be treated", yes thee will stil be disappointed with some people, thats their problem not yours but on the whole you will get more out of life from that simple rule than if you don't live by it. You don't have to spend your life trying to get one up on everybody.

If someones rude to you, forget it and move on. Forget trying to be interesting it will come across as being false, you will be interesting by just being yourself not someone you think you should be. You've listed a number of interests you already have, concentrate on them, someone who shares those interests and with whom you have a lot in common will come along and you will find you form a relationship without trying (afterwards you have to work at it though lol).

Stop trying so hard, it's off putting. Don't think, do as Bruce Lee said, goodadvice actually, don't overthink and analyse things so much, get out enjoy the sunshine on your face and thank whatever being you believe in that you're alive ( or just thank your luck), Instead of moaning count all your blessings and tust me you have far more than you imagine, make a big list of them.

I've been with my other half now for 34 four years, it's been up and down of course, no marriage is plain sailing but it's actually far easier than you are making it out to be. I met him when I was posted into the same RAF station and we went around in a group of friends first of all, then we got together. A lot of my friends met their partners the same way, in a group of people with the same interests then finding the one they wantd to go out with. One friend went to a folk club as she loved folk music and found her partner there, she wasn't looking, just went to enjoy the music with like minded people.

Look up local clubs which do the things you're interested in, look at the interest first as you aren't hunting for women! Get stuck into activities, volunteering,sports all these will help you come in contact with like minded people and perhaps, maybe there will be a partner for you, if not then you are still doing something that you enjoy.

Wow Tez,

I did not know that you had been with your SO for so long. I hope that it is a really good relationship that you have with you SO.

You have a number of good points here. I'm not actively looking at it as a game per se as I am more interested in creating better relationships. I am however looking at things from the legal and evolutionary as well as business standpoints and in that sense it is basically a game in that both men and women can and do have different strategies for acheiving the same results.

I once read a book by a woman called 'Marketing to women' and in that book she talked about some of the dating, mating, and relating strategies that men and women tend to have. Much of it basically goes back to primitive times and even though we are now living in the modern world many of those same strategies that we developed back then can and do still exist in each and everyone of us to this day and according to a book that I have relating to human nature it does tend to explain at least in large part as to why we tend to act the way we do and as to why we say a lot of the things that we do.

This also tends to go hand in hand with what both psychologists, media, and the businessworld know about us and I think that is a large reason why we are seeing advertisements that bascially appeal to our primitive selve's.

An example of this kind of marketing was used by McDonal's recently and that I fell for. I don't know if it is being showen in your country at all, but here in the United States McDonld's is advertising their Black Angus cheeseburger and the way that they are advertising it basically tends to get your mouth watering so much that you are going to want to go out to McDonald's and buy one. This concept has been used by the business world for a long time and it is called subliminal advertising as basically what they are doing is appealing to your primitive and unconscious mind.

This is not something that is new or untried as this stuff was actually discoverd a long time ago by a Russian scientist named Ivan Pavlov. I don't know if you are very familiar with any of his experiments at all or that of some other prominent scientists like B.F. Skinner, but they proved that by tapping into the unconscious mind you can not only influence the behavior of another person, but you can also learn to change your own behavior because the unconscious mind cannot differentiate fact from fiction. It basically accepts whatever you put into it whether for good or for bad.

Because of the girl that I mentioned before and because of my mistakes I have made with other women I am learning or at least trying to, to be more romantic and attentive without coming across as either a jerk or as being needy. It's not easy to do because there is a lot for me to really understand about it all, but I believe that I can do it and that by the time that I am done with all the work that I am putting into myself I will be all that much better for it and that the woman who gets me will be very happy with her choice. To use a business phrase, she will be one very happy customer.

I also think that this stuff is important to learn at least for guys in the United States due to the fact that the American public is very litigious and will glad sue you today over something that you did not even do just so that they can get a buck. One area that is turning into a big mess legally and that the legal system is having a field day with is the area of sexual harassment as it is not really a matter of as to whether you did something or not, but more as to whether you are perceived to have done something.

This applies not only with the realm of sexual harassment, but also with stalking as well.

I ran into something like this a few years ago when a neighbor of my mother's that I knew and was supposed to have been friends with basically turned on me. One day shortly after I moved here I was cleaning some CD's in my mothers bathroom sink because they were very, very dirty and it needed to be done. His wife saw me doing that and said something to me about it and I thought that would be the end of that as it really was no big deal. I don't know what her problem was but for some reason she somehow perceived my cleaning CD's in my mother's bathroom sink as some sort of pick up line and as a result she went back to her husband and told him that I was trying to pick her up.

This however was completely untrue, but he believed it and as a result he tried to fight me one day as I was returning home from a very long shift at work and on company property.

 

[Tez3]

I have to sigh and say 'only in America'!

Strategies...if we as women have them they are quite basic,instinctive one common to most people, thats just to be as happy as possible and make the best of life, please don't believe what some woman has written to make money.
MacDonalds ads here are focused on what they put into their food, they make them here without additives and focus on healthy food, they make a big thing about their burgers being 100% beef (which if they say they are have to be by law here), fresh raw vegtables and salads that sort of thing. the image here is of a company trying to be health concious and serving fresh organic food, it's still fast food but not bad though the lack of salt in everything makes things like the chicken a bit bland lol!

You are basically living a second hand life at the moment living through whats written in books and thesis by people wanting to make make money by spouting pyschobabble. Throw the books away and discover your instincts and personality, that's yours - don't make one up using books.

 

[Chris Parker]

rdonovan1. Jeez, dude, I don't even know where to start with all of this. Your game ideas are way off, that's why there's no success. You have not taken any self-editing on board at all, and really don't know when to stop talking about something that is not appropriate for here. But if you want to know, you are sub-comming neediness and a fair degree of desperation, no fun, and no confidence. That sets off the defences, including b.shields and s.tests, and you don't know how to deal with them. Your interpretation of "acting uninterested" is off base as well, so forget it. Your priority needs to be just being the kind of guy people want to be around, men and women, so forget the tech, you're missing too much for it to work.

And McDonald's advertising worked on you? And you're upset about that? Get some willpower! But the concept behind the ads are not Pavlovian, so bringing Pavlov into it was a little off as well. That is about trained responces, the concept of the ads is the generation of an emotional responce in order to sell burgers. Now, if you were guided to buy a burger every time you heard the jingle, to avoid a punishment or to be rewarded, then that would be the work of Pavlov. The rest is just advertising, man, get over it. Your take on the unconscious is very limited, and in these cases a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing.

As to your former friends wife, honestly I think you are only giving a small part of the story here. I cannot see anyway that washing CDs in a sink (in a sink? What on earth for? All you're going to do is ruin the discs!) could be interpreted as a pick-up technique, so what was said, and how did you answer, that'll probably be more enlightening here. I'm not convinced of either side right now.

But back to topic, Lone Rider, I wish you the best in your search. Just remember to keep your eyes open, and not expect anything more than some new people to meet and talk to, and allow things to go from there. There are things that can help, but that's not important for you right now. As with rdonovan1, just get into the swing of meeting new people, enjoy their company, see if you click, and take it as it comes. Oh, and avoid the whole dinner date thing. Go for coffee instead.

 

[Ken Morgan]

I can’t believe this discussion is still going on, and over here now.

A dating site, IMHO, drops you off weeks or months into a relationship and tells you to sink or swim. It works for some people and not for others, it depends on how committed you both are to giving it a go. I think our OP has the right attitude, give it a shot, and see what happens.

As for Rdonovan1, Dude come on, on this thread and another you have been given some great advice by some good people. Stop over analyzing everything and just get your *** out there.

Men are stupid, women throw out all sorts of subtle hints, positive and negative, and we tend to not see any of them.

I knew my current partner for four years before we started as a couple; she was one of the guys in the group I hung out in. Our personal lives went in various directions and we each looked to the other for help and ended up together. It’s not a game with strategies. Be well groomed, be funny, be courtesy, don’t whine or complain, act like a man not a dweeb, throw in some romance and stir, before you know it you’ll have someone worthy of you. Yes there are some shallow women out there, but come on, outta 3.5 billion people in the world, there will be somebody out there for you.

34 years TEZ??? That’s great! Wow you must be at least….nope, I’m shutting up……

 

[rdonovan1]

Ok. It's all crap. How then do I get my ex-girlfriend back. I know that she is married and living in Colorado and from what everyone is telling me that is the best that I can ever do.

Finding anyone else and learning from any of my mistakes is just a complete waste of time.

 

[Chris Parker]

You don't. You either become someone she wants to come back to, or you don't.

The last line of yours worries me.

 

[Tez3]

I can’t believe this discussion is still going on, and over here now.

A dating site, IMHO, drops you off weeks or months into a relationship and tells you to sink or swim. It works for some people and not for others, it depends on how committed you both are to giving it a go. I think our OP has the right attitude, give it a shot, and see what happens.

As for Rdonovan1, Dude come on, on this thread and another you have been given some great advice by some good people. Stop over analyzing everything and just get your *** out there.

Men are stupid, women throw out all sorts of subtle hints, positive and negative, and we tend to not see any of them.

I knew my current partner for four years before we started as a couple; she was one of the guys in the group I hung out in. Our personal lives went in various directions and we each looked to the other for help and ended up together. It’s not a game with strategies. Be well groomed, be funny, be courtesy, don’t whine or complain, act like a man not a dweeb, throw in some romance and stir, before you know it you’ll have someone worthy of you. Yes there are some shallow women out there, but come on, outta 3.5 billion people in the world, there will be somebody out there for you.

34 years TEZ??? That’s great! Wow you must be at least….nope, I’m shutting up……

I got married when I was 8?

There's a video of me over on the MMA section under the title first female MMA ref outside the States or something like that, I'm the female in the cage with two men, nice work if you can get it!

The trick to staying together that long is marry a serviceman who is away alot and then when he comes out work separate shifts lol, I'm sure in total we've actually only been together a couple of years lol! It works though, you don't run out of things to say, service life is not for everyone though you have to be independant if you are to survive it as a wife.

 

[Ken Morgan]

Ok. It's all crap. How then do I get my ex-girlfriend back. I know that she is married and living in Colorado and from what everyone is telling me that is the best that I can ever do.

Finding anyone else and learning from any of my mistakes is just a complete waste of time.

She’s moved on, so should you.

What, don’t you think everyone here has gone through heartache??? Do you think you’re the only one who lost someone special????

Again, one last time, there are 3.5 billion women in the world. There is another special person out there.

 

[Ken Morgan]

What type of idiot friends do you have telling you **** like that? No wonder you’re so down in the dumps. Maybe its time for new friends?

 

[rdonovan1]

rdonovan1. Jeez, dude, I don't even know where to start with all of this. Your game ideas are way off, that's why there's no success. You have not taken any self-editing on board at all, and really don't know when to stop talking about something that is not appropriate for here. But if you want to know, you are sub-comming neediness and a fair degree of desperation, no fun, and no confidence. That sets off the defences, including b.shields and s.tests, and you don't know how to deal with them. Your interpretation of "acting uninterested" is off base as well, so forget it. Your priority needs to be just being the kind of guy people want to be around, men and women, so forget the tech, you're missing too much for it to work.

And McDonald's advertising worked on you? And you're upset about that? Get some willpower! But the concept behind the ads are not Pavlovian, so bringing Pavlov into it was a little off as well. That is about trained responces, the concept of the ads is the generation of an emotional responce in order to sell burgers. Now, if you were guided to buy a burger every time you heard the jingle, to avoid a punishment or to be rewarded, then that would be the work of Pavlov. The rest is just advertising, man, get over it. Your take on the unconscious is very limited, and in these cases a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing.

As to your former friends wife, honestly I think you are only giving a small part of the story here. I cannot see anyway that washing CDs in a sink (in a sink? What on earth for? All you're going to do is ruin the discs!) could be interpreted as a pick-up technique, so what was said, and how did you answer, that'll probably be more enlightening here. I'm not convinced of either side right now.

But back to topic, Lone Rider, I wish you the best in your search. Just remember to keep your eyes open, and not expect anything more than some new people to meet and talk to, and allow things to go from there. There are things that can help, but that's not important for you right now. As with rdonovan1, just get into the swing of meeting new people, enjoy their company, see if you click, and take it as it comes. Oh, and avoid the whole dinner date thing. Go for coffee instead.

I think that you need to develop a much more positive outlook on life.

 

[Chris Parker]

I think that you need to develop a much more positive outlook on life.

I really don't know if I should laugh or scream at this...

Dude, my outlook is plenty positive, I really have no idea where in all my posts here and our private conversations you got the idea it isn't... you, on the other hand, need a real dose of reality. Haven't seen that much of it from you.

In fact, I think I choose laugh. And I hope that this has all been a bad joke from you. But I unfortunately doubt it.

 

[blindsage]

Finding anyone else and learning from any of my mistakes is just a complete waste of time.

No, no one is telling you this. What they are saying is that you are learning the wrong the wrong things from your mistakes. You act like everything that happens to you is just externally inflicted. Some of it may be, but the vast majority of it is self imposed. You need to work on maturity, communication skills (not seduction, communication), learning what actually goes into a healthy relationship (not just what you think it would be like), and serious counseling to deal with whatever issues in your past are causing you to project all your problems externally. Until you take responsibility for your own emotional and mental well-being none of the things you are hoping to accomplish will have fruit.

And stop trying to date right now, you need to work on yourself. Once you get yourself in a better place mentally and emotionally, your ability to date and your perspective on it will be much healthier and easier.

 

[rdonovan1]

No, no one is telling you this. What they are saying is that you are learning the wrong the wrong things from your mistakes. You act like everything that happens to you is just externally inflicted. Some of it may be, but the vast majority of it is self imposed. You need to work on maturity, communication skills (not seduction, communication), learning what actually goes into a healthy relationship (not just what you think it would be like), and serious counseling to deal with whatever issues in your past are causing you to project all your problems externally. Until you take responsibility for your own emotional and mental well-being none of the things you are hoping to accomplish will have fruit.

And stop trying to date right now, you need to work on yourself. Once you get yourself in a better place mentally and emotionally, your ability to date and your perspective on it will be much healthier and easier.

I've been working on that stuff for a long time and prior to Swift Transporation terminating me in 2007 for refusing to violate federal DOT laws I was actually making quite a lot of progress as well. When they terminated me because I refused to violate the hour of service laws that effected my overall financial picture and that is something that I am working on correcting.

I have however had a lot of setbacks and keeping up with the game by understanding both myself and other people is not stupid as I know that if I had been more aware in December of 2007, then two girls that were trying to prostitute themselve's would not have gotten one over on me as I would have seen it coming and I would have been able to deal with the issue better. I however was not thinking about the game at that time as my thoughts were just on doing what I needed to do to get a job and to get some money coming in.

While I can't prove it I am pretty sure that at least one of the girls that tried to prostitute themselve's to me in December 2007 is responsible for much of the damage to my car as I really did not know of anyone else that might have wanted to see any harm to come to me at all.

The stuff that I am studying right now and am working on apply not only to the dating world, but also to the business world. In 2008 I applied for a couple of jobs that were sales/customer service jobs and I was interviewed by women. One of the jobs would have had me working in the call center of Victoria's Secret Direct taking phone calls. The interviewer wanted me to hypothetically sell her a car, but because my sales skills are an area that I need to work on I was not able to do that and as a result I did not get the job.

It's also important that I do understand when people are truly crazy and when they are not as that is a security issue and was demonstrated to me in 2007 by a girl that I met via MySpace whom I thought was normal at first, but who soon proved herself to be a complete nutcase and a potential stalker.

 

[rdonovan1]

I don't know if anyone can or will be able to understand this at all, but the reason that I am trying to keep up with the dating world while at the same time working on my career is because prior to me driving truck over the road I had spent a lot of time, money and energy focusing on computers and I think that might have contributed towards my divorce from my ex-wife.

My mother once told me that while you might be able to love a computer, the computer can never love you back and I believe that she is right about that and that along with other experiences that I have had with the opposite sex in which I was totally unprepared at the time is why I am focusing on updating and improving myself so that I do not come off looking, acting or sounding like I am a cold hearted person.

People that look, act, or portray themselve's as cold hearted people are what psychology calls apathetic and that is not good because that is the exact same mentality that Adolf Hitler and his Nazi gang did during world war 2. It's also the same kind of behavior that lead Charles Manson to kill Sharon Tate in 1969 and that is something to be avoided at all costs.

 

[blindsage]

There is no game.

 

[rdonovan1]

There is no game.

The game is human nature and it is very, very real. It applies not only to the dating scene, but also to a person's business and personal life and it is proven by things like psychology, the business world, and even by the martial arts. It is millions of years old and cannot be argued with at all. Trying to argue with it is a lot like trying to argue with the weather as both the weather and people can be very, very unpredictable at times.

If human nature did not exist then where do comedians get much of their material from? Comedy according to one book that I read a long time ago is a combination of truth and pain and that is what tends to make comedians so damn funny. If you have never seen a comedian like George Carlin, George Lopez, Robin Williams, Chris Rock, or any of the others that are out there, then I would strongly suggest that you either go to a comedy club or that you get yourself some stuff from people like Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, Ron White, Larry the Cable Guy, or any of the others that are out there and listen to some of their stuff. When you are done listening to some of their stuff, then go out into the world and check to see as to just how much of it is really true and as to how much of it is false. More often than not you will find that what they are saying is true.

People who claim that people do not operate on instinct and emotion are very, very naive because if it weren't for things like your desire to acquire, to bond, to learn and to defend then you would not have what you have now nor would you even be alive.

Just earlier this morning I was watching a television program on the History Channel about how money is made and much of what they were talking about related to the human emotion called greed and according to them it is because of that greed that people have tried to become counterfeiter's and some of them have been very successfull at it. They also talked about how the governments of the world have made numerous changes to the way money is made so that it is extremely difficult to produce on your own.

In one section of the show they mentioned that Australia for example has done away with paper money and has now come up with a form of money that tends to look a lot like a credit card. They did not go into detail about how Australian money is made as their primary focus was on how the British Pound and the American Dollar were made.

They also stated that counterfeiter's have done a lot to undermine the confidence of people in the Pound and the Dollar due to their activities. At one time in the 1800's things were so bad that the entire American economy was on the verge of collapse because counterfeiting was so rampant.

They also stated that as late as 1974 there was one guy in England that was producing British Pound notes so perfect that it greatly alarmed the Bank of England. The only thing that it was missing was a metal strip in it. If the bills that he had been making had had the metal strip in it, then the bills most likely would have fooled even the Bank of England according to them. It was a very interesting show to watch to say the least.

 

[jks9199]

God almighty...

Get a freaking clue!

It's not always someone else's fault. It's not always because they're out to get you or take advantage of you.

It really just might be YOU. I've hinted this rather strongly... but there is exactly ONE factor common in all of your issues.

Stop treating dating and relationships as some sort of game, and simply be your freaking self! Get out there and do things you enjoy with other people, and you just might discover that some of them are interesting people.

 

[rdonovan1]

God almighty...

Get a freaking clue!

It's not always someone else's fault. It's not always because they're out to get you or take advantage of you.

It really just might be YOU. I've hinted this rather strongly... but there is exactly ONE factor common in all of your issues.

Stop treating dating and relationships as some sort of game, and simply be your freaking self! Get out there and do things you enjoy with other people, and you just might discover that some of them are interesting people.

Are you suggesting that we all run around afraid of our own shadows?

Relationships of any sort are 50/50 as it take two to make or break something. Things just don't happen by chance, then happen because people want them to be the way they are.

If this were a perfect world and if I had my way there would be no such thing as stereotypes and men and women would be spending most of their time in bed playing with the old love gun, but things are not that way because society tends to put more social stigma on dating, mating, relating, and sex than they do violence and because of that many guys have become so afraid to go and walk up to any girl because they are afraid that she is going to bite their head off.

What do people think she is a three headed hydra? I personally don't think that there is anything to fear from it as the worst thing that a girl can do to a guy in my book is to reject him.

I don't know about you, but I personally don't think that rejection from a woman should mean that a guy has to stalk a girl and make her fear for her life. If she is not into you, then for christ sake move on to the next one, but don't let your guard down as there is nothing to say that there may not be some boyfriend or husband that is so jealous and possesive of her that he wants to come and rip your head off and crap down your neck and whether we like it or not there are a lot of guys like that out there.