trueaspirer
Green Belt
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Definately do all that has been listed above. If you don't you will be in trouble up to your eyebrows. Keep us posted...
Divorce/domestic situation self defense
- Thread starter lonecoyote
- Start date
KOROHO
Green Belt
I am glad to hear that you do not want to get violent with your wife.
But you have to leave now. You don't necessarily need to get divorced, if you still think you can salvage something.
But this is a dangerous situation for you. With her on drugs and unpredictably violent, she can easily grab a weapon or do something to you in your sleep. Her "boyfriend" and the people they run with are also potentially dangerous to you.
Your best defense is to get away from it - perhaps even your only defense. I am sorry to say this, but until she gets off the drugs and away from this crowd, you can not win. She has to make the decision her self.
We read about crime all the time and it really seems like a violent world. But unless you are in an abusive relationship, involved with drugs or gangs, you most likely will not be a victim of violent crime. But you are in an abusive relationship, and there are drugs around. Also, where ever there are illegal drugs, there are gangs not too far away. You live in the most violent and dangerous of worlds.
Again, I am sorry. But save yourself first. If they kill you, you will not be able to try and save your wife.
But you have to leave now. You don't necessarily need to get divorced, if you still think you can salvage something.
But this is a dangerous situation for you. With her on drugs and unpredictably violent, she can easily grab a weapon or do something to you in your sleep. Her "boyfriend" and the people they run with are also potentially dangerous to you.
Your best defense is to get away from it - perhaps even your only defense. I am sorry to say this, but until she gets off the drugs and away from this crowd, you can not win. She has to make the decision her self.
We read about crime all the time and it really seems like a violent world. But unless you are in an abusive relationship, involved with drugs or gangs, you most likely will not be a victim of violent crime. But you are in an abusive relationship, and there are drugs around. Also, where ever there are illegal drugs, there are gangs not too far away. You live in the most violent and dangerous of worlds.
Again, I am sorry. But save yourself first. If they kill you, you will not be able to try and save your wife.
hongkongfooey
Black Belt
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1st. Document the abuse. Go the the police and file a report. These days a man is considered guilty until proven innocent when it comes to domestic violence.
2nd. Contact an attorney.
3rd. Now don't take this the wrong way. Contact you doctor to set up tests to check for STD's. You said she has a boyfriend and may be using drugs. If you have had recent sexual relations with her get yourself checked out to make sure your health isn't in danger.
4th Cancel any joint credit card accounts and transfer any monies to an account that she can't access. Why make it easy for her to put you in debt, or to blow your savings on her boyfriend or drugs.
5th Remove yourself from the situation.
It sucks but you need to protect yourself.
2nd. Contact an attorney.
3rd. Now don't take this the wrong way. Contact you doctor to set up tests to check for STD's. You said she has a boyfriend and may be using drugs. If you have had recent sexual relations with her get yourself checked out to make sure your health isn't in danger.
4th Cancel any joint credit card accounts and transfer any monies to an account that she can't access. Why make it easy for her to put you in debt, or to blow your savings on her boyfriend or drugs.
5th Remove yourself from the situation.
It sucks but you need to protect yourself.
still learning
Senior Master
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Hello, 1. Get a divorce lawyer....then you follow his advice
2. Drugs is a form of self-suicide/self-destruction...once on it...no turning back...unless they seek help.
3. Hope no kids are involved here....take care...time is the best medicine....in time...sometimes long times/years...for healing. keep yourself busy. Find new things to do also.
It is always easy for others to give advice...going thru it is hell.....Aloha
2. Drugs is a form of self-suicide/self-destruction...once on it...no turning back...unless they seek help.
3. Hope no kids are involved here....take care...time is the best medicine....in time...sometimes long times/years...for healing. keep yourself busy. Find new things to do also.
It is always easy for others to give advice...going thru it is hell.....Aloha
Hope things have improved since this, lonecoyote.
I agree. The sequence (lawyer to cops/cops to lawyer) isn't that important, unless your in immediate danger of injury. Then it's time for a cop, not a lawyer!
As to restraining orders and other things -- those processes are different in each state.
And -- if you're forced to defend yourself -- try to DEFEND only; avoid counter-attacks. It's too easy for a tired, rushed cop to make a bad assumption if she's injured and you're not. Or if her boyfriend is injured... Keep 'em from hurting you, and get the hell out of there.
Outstanding advice!!!
My condolences, empathy, and best wishes go out to you.
Fu Bag
tradrockrat
2nd Black Belt
I know a friend going through the same thing. His gis wife has even tried siding up to me, but I am just as horrified as everyone else about what is happening. There is no talking about it at this point.
Sean
Sean
Senjojutsu
Blue Belt
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Lonecoyote
What isn’t being said is you need to get a good lawyer, experienced in divorce.
This will be difficult to find at a reasonable rate who will work to settle this matter quickly - for legal time is MONEY.
I also hate to depress you, but understand the journey you are about to commence. There is no more sexist place in America than the justice handed out daily in state probate/family courts. You piss standing up - you are at a disadvantage.
Also remember divorce courts are all local politics. Your hot shot legal eagle Cousin Vinnie coming in from 500 miles away is not good option.
My very competent FEMALE divorce attorney helped me a lot during this period. I remember the day she said to me; “John an equitable divorce settlement is when both parties walk away miserable.”
That was great news that warmed my heart, as I was paying her is six minute billing increments. However she was focused and professional and feisty when needed.
Mediation may be an option, but both parties have to be in a “relatively sane” state of mind and mature individuals. And to be blunt - a restraining order, and counter-restraining orders or the inevitable accusations against you will kind of poison the mediation well.
You may think I’m bitter. Of course I am, I’m a divorced male. But the funny thing with the passage of time and watching other divorces play out - is how lucky I was, as painful as it was (for me) at the time. You must endure the bad times so you may enjoy the coming good times.
So I will leave you with divorce humor: (I heard them all during my divorce, lawyers are closet stand-up comics BTW).
Q: Why do divorces cost so much?
A: Because they’re worth it.
What isn’t being said is you need to get a good lawyer, experienced in divorce.
This will be difficult to find at a reasonable rate who will work to settle this matter quickly - for legal time is MONEY.
I also hate to depress you, but understand the journey you are about to commence. There is no more sexist place in America than the justice handed out daily in state probate/family courts. You piss standing up - you are at a disadvantage.
Also remember divorce courts are all local politics. Your hot shot legal eagle Cousin Vinnie coming in from 500 miles away is not good option.
My very competent FEMALE divorce attorney helped me a lot during this period. I remember the day she said to me; “John an equitable divorce settlement is when both parties walk away miserable.”
That was great news that warmed my heart, as I was paying her is six minute billing increments. However she was focused and professional and feisty when needed.
Mediation may be an option, but both parties have to be in a “relatively sane” state of mind and mature individuals. And to be blunt - a restraining order, and counter-restraining orders or the inevitable accusations against you will kind of poison the mediation well.
You may think I’m bitter. Of course I am, I’m a divorced male. But the funny thing with the passage of time and watching other divorces play out - is how lucky I was, as painful as it was (for me) at the time. You must endure the bad times so you may enjoy the coming good times.
So I will leave you with divorce humor: (I heard them all during my divorce, lawyers are closet stand-up comics BTW).
Q: Why do divorces cost so much?
A: Because they’re worth it.
Excellent advice; anytime you need a lawyer, you need the BEST lawyer you can get -- not the cheapest! And they need to know the type of matter you've got, whether it's getting a divorce attorney (and not your Cousin Vinnie who does wills) for a divorce case, or a criminal attorney with extensive experience in domestic cases to help defend you in a domestic case (just to use examples from this thread).
And just about any family court that I've heard of in the US has a very, very strong bias towards the wife/mother. The judges will deny it...but the results speak for themselves. Or -- the women are getting all the good attorneys!
An EXCELLENT post...Read and Heed....
