Being tactful and using magic words

[PhotonGuy]

It is not a good idea if you ask me is to give in because you want to be polite. For instance, I've said before how if you don't want to shake hands you shouldn't shake hands because you've got that right and for whatever reason, you might not want to shake hands. I takled about telling the person to put their hand back but I know its also important to be tactful, that means to be polite but still stand your ground. If you shake hands when you don't want to that is not being tactful, its giving in and its being a doormat. And martial artists don't shake hands but that's beside the point. Being tactful would be to say something like, "I don't shake hands," instead of just telling the person to put their hand back and coming across as offensive. This is important because I was really ticked off at this woman at Walmart. I was buying an age restricted product so she needed to know my DOB and she commented about my birthday. You see, I've got this birthday that is bound to get comments. I also think I should get special treatment because of my birthday but that is beside the point. (That last sentence was not meant to be taken seriously.) Anyway, I was very much offended about her comment about my birthday. Some people, lots of people might say I get too easily offended by the wrong stuff, and that might be so but it is what it is. As much as I was tempted to yell in her face at her at the top of my lungs, "DON'T (expletive) COMMENT ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY YOU STUPID (expletive)!" (I didn't do that by the way) I would be much better off to say something such as "Please don't comment about my birthday, I really don't appreciate it." So the key is to be firm but courteous. Don't allow people to cross certain lines but do so nicely. And also to use magic words such as please and thank you.

As it is, though, I am still thinking of going back and complaining to management about her. This is a really nice Walmart located in Pahrump, NV, and I often go shopping there when Im taking classes at FrontSight so I might not do that, but Im still considering it.

 

[Blindside]

So a person that doesn't know you, doesn't know about your particular anxiety about your birthday, makes an innocent comment, and you are going to complain to management?

You are easily offended.

 

[Cirdan]

Seems to me PG is making some kind of statement (again) rather than putting a subject up for discussion, and that perhaps this information is better suited for a blog or something.

Anyway what do you mean martial artists don`t shake hands? Am I breaking some universal rule when I greet new members on the mat that way?

As for the comment about your birthday, there are better things to spend time and energy on than to get all worked up over something as minor as that. Grow some skin.

 

[Blindside]

It took me an embarrassingly long time to learn the Dog Brothers not-really-secret handshake, and now I learn the martial artists don't shake hands? Dang it.

 

[Chris Parker]

It is not a good idea if you ask me is to give in because you want to be polite. For instance, I've said before how if you don't want to shake hands you shouldn't shake hands because you've got that right and for whatever reason, you might not want to shake hands. I takled about telling the person to put their hand back but I know its also important to be tactful, that means to be polite but still stand your ground. If you shake hands when you don't want to that is not being tactful, its giving in and its being a doormat. And martial artists don't shake hands but that's beside the point. Being tactful would be to say something like, "I don't shake hands," instead of just telling the person to put their hand back and coming across as offensive. This is important because I was really ticked off at this woman at Walmart. I was buying an age restricted product so she needed to know my DOB and she commented about my birthday. You see, I've got this birthday that is bound to get comments. I also think I should get special treatment because of my birthday but that is beside the point. (That last sentence was not meant to be taken seriously.) Anyway, I was very much offended about her comment about my birthday. Some people, lots of people might say I get too easily offended by the wrong stuff, and that might be so but it is what it is. As much as I was tempted to yell in her face at her at the top of my lungs, "DON'T (expletive) COMMENT ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY YOU STUPID (expletive)!" (I didn't do that by the way) I would be much better off to say something such as "Please don't comment about my birthday, I really don't appreciate it." So the key is to be firm but courteous. Don't allow people to cross certain lines but do so nicely. And also to use magic words such as please and thank you.

As it is, though, I am still thinking of going back and complaining to management about her. This is a really nice Walmart located in Pahrump, NV, and I often go shopping there when Im taking classes at FrontSight so I might not do that, but Im still considering it.

You really, really need to get help. Seriously.

And, before you think this is an attack, you are showing huge hallmarks of a range of psychological and developmental issues… I am being completely serious when I say you need to get help… you want to complain to management for someone commenting on your birthday, wanting to scream obscenities in the poor girls face… and you think you understand about tact?!?!

Get help. We're beyond telling you to get over it, you won't. You really, really need help.

 

[K-man]

Seems to me PG is making some kind of statement (again) rather than putting a subject up for discussion, and that perhaps this information is better suited for a blog or something.

Anyway what do you mean martial artists don`t shake hands? Am I breaking some universal rule when I greet new members on the mat that way?

Damn! I've been doing the wrong thing for the past 30 odd years too. Oh well, it's probably too late to change now so I will just keep on shaking hands.

 

[PhotonGuy]

Seems to me PG is making some kind of statement (again) rather than putting a subject up for discussion, and that perhaps this information is better suited for a blog or something.

Anyway what do you mean martial artists don`t shake hands? Am I breaking some universal rule when I greet new members on the mat that way?

As for the comment about your birthday, there are better things to spend time and energy on than to get all worked up over something as minor as that. Grow some skin.

In the far east, where many of the martial arts originated, they don't shake hands, they bow. Therefore, perhaps martial artists should bow instead of shaking hands, just a thought.

And I've been putting up with comments about my birthday all my life. You get sick and tired of it after awhile. Everybody has a breaking point.

 

[PhotonGuy]

So a person that doesn't know you, doesn't know about your particular anxiety about your birthday, makes an innocent comment, and you are going to complain to management?

You are easily offended.

I am easily offended about some things, yes, but it is surprising what people can be offended about. Especially today people take all sorts of innocent comments to mean racial connotations to mention one example.

 

[PhotonGuy]

You really, really need to get help. Seriously.

And, before you think this is an attack, you are showing huge hallmarks of a range of psychological and developmental issues… I am being completely serious when I say you need to get help… you want to complain to management for someone commenting on your birthday, wanting to scream obscenities in the poor girls face… and you think you understand about tact?!?!

Get help. We're beyond telling you to get over it, you won't. You really, really need help.

Yeah whatever. What are you a psychologist?

 

[Cirdan]

Damn! I've been doing the wrong thing for the past 30 odd years too. Oh well, it's probably too late to change now so I will just keep on shaking hands.

Are you sure that is safe? I am living in fear of the secret forces boy scout black belt unit who could storm the dojo to strip me of my rank any time now

 

[Chris Parker]

In the far east, where many of the martial arts originated, they don't shake hands, they bow. Therefore, perhaps martial artists should bow instead of shaking hands, just a thought.

No.

But here's a question… do you know why they bow instead of shaking hands? And can you see why it's not appropriate depending on the social context in a Western culture?

And I've been putting up with comments about my birthday all my life. You get sick and tired of it after awhile. Everybody has a breaking point.

Sure… I have no interest in any attention to my birthday either… to the point that I refuse most acknowledgement of it… but I'm not about to scream obscenities at a store girl for being friendly and inquisitive about me… my friends who know me well know that it's not something to talk about, but those outside of those circles don't. The lack of acceptance that others aren't living by your arbitrary rules isn't a good sign here.

 

[Chris Parker]

Yeah whatever. What are you a psychologist?

Funny you should ask…

I'll put it this way. I've studied Psychology (and a large number of related areas) for decades… and am currently getting the official paperwork in some of these areas… am I officially a psychologist? Nope. But my background is actually not too far from it, bluntly.

 

[Cirdan]

In the far east, where many of the martial arts originated, they don't shake hands, they bow. Therefore, perhaps martial artists should bow instead of shaking hands, just a thought.

That is.. I can`t find the word. I think Dilbert would call it a "trodlodytic" statement.

And I've been putting up with comments about my birthday all my life. You get sick and tired of it after awhile. Everybody has a breaking point.

Comments about your birthday, name, place of birth ect is part of life. If that brings you to the breaking point you really need some help.

 

[PhotonGuy]

No.

But here's a question… do you know why they bow instead of shaking hands? And can you see why it's not appropriate depending on the social context in a Western culture?

Its a cultural thing. In the east they bow instead of shaking hands.

Sure… I have no interest in any attention to my birthday either… to the point that I refuse most acknowledgement of it… but I'm not about to scream obscenities at a store girl for being friendly and inquisitive about me… my friends who know me well know that it's not something to talk about, but those outside of those circles don't. The lack of acceptance that others aren't living by your arbitrary rules isn't a good sign here.

If you read my post entirely, I said I didn't do that. A much better thing to do would be to say to her to please not make comments about my birthday. And if you had a birthday like mine you might get tired of people commenting about it too.

 

[Tez3]

A birthday like yours? Well you should be thankful you have a birthday, no one but you actually cares what day it's on because many of us have different calendars so to many of us your birthday is not on any special day.

 

[Cirdan]

Whatever PGs birthday is, there are several million people in whe world with the same one. If they organize to put a stop to this injustice of infuriating bd comments, they`d have more power than many small countries.

 

[Chris Parker]

Its a cultural thing. In the east they bow instead of shaking hands.

That's the observation… do you know the reason?

If you read my post entirely, I said I didn't do that. A much better thing to do would be to say to her to please not make comments about my birthday. And if you had a birthday like mine you might get tired of people commenting about it too.

I didn't say you responded that way, I highlighted that you wanted to respond that way… which you did… and no, that's not the "much better" thing to do… it's a slightly better thing to do. Your social calibration is really, really lacking.

 

[Gnarlie]

How about a little empathy and understanding of another's point if view, PG?

To you, that checkout girl is the millionth person to make a banal comment about your birthday.

To her, you are the first person she has met born on that day and her comment is original and witty.

Biting someone's head off for that kind of comment won't change their behaviour regardless if how you say it; they are only human and the comment has already been made.

Requesting that she not comment on your birthday after she has already commented on it just makes you appear irrational and cranky to her.

You really seem to not have an appreciation of how others may see you based on your behaviour. It might be something to think about more.

 

[Tez3]

How about a little empathy and understanding of another's point if view, PG?

To you, that checkout girl is the millionth person to make a banal comment about your birthday.

To her, you are the first person she has met born on that day and her comment is original and witty.

Biting someone's head off for that kind of comment won't change their behaviour regardless if how you say it; they are only human and the comment has already been made.

Requesting that she not comment on your birthday after she has already commented on it just makes you appear irrational and cranky to her.

You really seem to not have an appreciation of how others may see you based on your behaviour. It might be something to think about more.

Wise words. We don't know what other people are going through, it may have taken that girl a lot of courage to speak to customers, to even take the job, she may be masking heartbreak while being polite to customers. People who work in the retail industry are often treated like dirt, as being lesser people doing a 'menial' job. I make sure that whenever I speak to a shop assistant I look them in the eye and smile and speak politely even if I have to make a complaint. Treat people as you want to be treated yourself, politeness costs nothing, it is the oil that eases our lives everyday.
Be the person who brightens the day for someone even for a few seconds. Think about the bad days you've had when just one smile from a stranger could have made you feel better, Be that stranger who smiles, who knows, you may save a life.

 

[K-man]

Are you sure that is safe? I am living in fear of the secret forces boy scout black belt unit who could storm the dojo to strip me of my rank any time now

Mate, I never made it to scouts but my mates who did were all nice guys. I don't think you have anything to worry about from scouts. Now I don't want you to stress you out or make you paranoid, but if PG was to drop by ... :s471: