A selection of jokes.

Dont think this has been posted before....


New Company Policy, Effective from January 2005

Dress Code


It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are
doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress

poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy
nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right,

you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under
the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch
to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get
5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

J
 
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A young man goes into the confessional booth.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned," he says.

"And what is your sin, my son?" the Priest asks.

"Forgive me father, for I have lusted. You see, I'm a UPS delivery man. The other day I was delivering in a nicer section of town, and at the door of this mansion an absolutely stunning woman answers. Oh, Father...she was wearing practically nothing and she was gorgeous. She had a perfect body and movie star good looks. After signing for the package, she leaned forward and whispered in my ear, asking if I'd like to come in and keep her company for the afternoon...and it was my last delivery of the day!"

"And did you go in, young man?"

"No father. I didn't."

"Then what was your sin?"

"Well, I lusted, father. I mean I REALLY lusted."

"Fear not, my son. You will get your reward in Heaven."

"I...I will? What reward will that be, father?"

"Oh, I'd say about a bale of hay, you jackass!"



Regards,


Steve
 
ATM procedures of male and female

MALE PROCEDURE



1 Drive up to the cash machine.

2 Put down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt

6 Put window up

7 Drive off



FEMALE PROCEDURE



1 Drive up to cash machine

2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to
machine

3 Set parking Break, Put the window down

4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to
locate

card.

5 Turn the radio down

6 Attempt to insert card into machine

7 Attempt to insert card into machine

8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine

due to its excessive distance from the car

9 Insert card

10 Re-insert card the right way up

11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on
the

inside back page

12 Enter PIN.

13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

14 Enter amount of cash required

15 Check make up in rear view mirror

16 Retrieve cash and receipt

17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside

18 Place receipt in back of checkbook
19 Re-check make-up again

20 Drive forwards 2 feet

21 Reverse back to cash machine

22 Retrieve card

23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card

into the slot provided

24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male
drivers

queuing behind

25 Restart stalled engine and pull off

26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles

27 Release Parking Break
 
[font=@Arial Unicode MS]A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS] [/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS] [/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS] [/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]morning business flight.[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS][/font]

[font=@Arial Unicode MS]Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS] [/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS] [/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS] [/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS] [/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS] [/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]
[/font]
[font=@Arial Unicode MS]Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS][/font]
[font=@Arial Unicode MS]God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS] [/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]draft before the masterpiece![/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS][/font]
 
Raisin said:
[font=@Arial Unicode MS]A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS] [/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]each other the silent treatment.

Good one, Raewyn! :rofl:
 
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband inquired, "Who was that?" to which the wife replied, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
 
kid said:
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband inquired, "Who was that?" to which the wife replied, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
Classic! :rofl:
 
kid said:
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband inquired, "Who was that?" to which the wife replied, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
Gold star for that one!!!
 
thank you Rasin since your diggin the blonde jokes heres two more.

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK,what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh,that's easy: W."
 
and for my encore



Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here,let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
 
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain that I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
 
Alcohol Warnings


The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles,
such
as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when
you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
askhole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story
over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like
thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are
really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning
and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't
remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug
burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named
Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing
WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the
space-time
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to
"disappear."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
 
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee
and
the
fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, 'My son is a home builder, and he is so
successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to
him!'
The second man said, 'My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a
multiline
dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new
Mercedes, fully loaded.'
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, 'My son is a
stockbroker,
and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio.'
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking
care
of
business. The first man mentioned, 'We were just talking about our
sons'
successes."
The fourth man replied, 'Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay
bar.'
The other three men grew silent as he continued,
'I'm not totally thrilled
about the dancing job, but he must be doing well.
His last three boyfriends
gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
 
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