A selection of jokes.

[kid]

Those were pretty American too. Thanks Raisin. I was just thinking about that drugstore thing too. Our "new" Walgreens drugstore does have cigarettes up front and the counter way way in the back, but the Walmart has the pharmacy relatively up front. The handicap spaces are everywhere. I've noticed the old 70+ people have to walk slowly through the ice and snow from the parking lot while some supposedly handicapped people just park easy and don't appear to have a handicap. Using the card I suppose. Go figure. TW

Actually i am working at a walgreens until i finish college. Our pharmacy is in the back of the store also. But we have a drive through. So all you have to do is call ahead and they get your prescription ready then you drive through. Don't go to walmart they are evil.

 

[FearlessFreep]

So all you have to do is call ahead and they get your prescription ready then you drive through.

As I was going through the list of jokes, the thing that struck me about them is that most of them fall into the category of what I tend to call "seinfield humour". That is, humour about a situation that's only funny as long as you play stupid and don't actually think about the situation. Most of those really have logical or reasonable rationale if you think about it for a few seconds, so for the humour to work, you kinda have to stop thinking In contrast with, say, George Carlin's or Robin Willaims styles that usually tend to go from being 'merely silly' to 'really absurdly funny' the more you think about it

 

[kid]

So all you have to do is call ahead and they get your prescription ready then you drive through.

"seinfield humour". That is, humour about a situation that's only funny as long as you play stupid and don't actually think about the situation.

Our Walgreens store is open 24 hours everyday of the year. And yet they put locks on the doors.

 

[kid]

Raisin


That was a BURN!!!!!
Naw, it was great thanks.

 

[FearlessFreep]

Our Walgreens store is open 24 hours everyday of the year. And yet they put locks on the doors.

Perfect example.

Doors are standardized. The door to one store comes from the same manufacturer as the door from another store. They all come with locks. Walgreens doesn't 'put locks on the doors'; they just hire a contractor to install doors and the contractor buys the doors and the doors come with locks. Walgreen could spec out that the doors be made without locks, by why bother? I don't think anyone makes them so it would be an added cost all the way down the line to make lockless doors.

Also, even 24 hour places will sometimes lock some doors at certain slow periods (like late at night) to direct traffic (I've seen this in grocery stores a lot and I would guess it would be for the sake of security if people are coming in and leaving through one entrance and there is not enough traffic to require multiple entrances and not enough security on hand during slow periods.

I've also seen '24 hour 365 day' places close occasionally for internal re-arranging and some kinds of inventory, it seems.

So, even a 24hour 365day a year place could ossaionally need to lock doors, and even if they don't, why bother the extra trouble of ordering non-lockable doors?

 

[kid]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

 

[kid]

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."
:rofl:

 

[Raewyn]

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him, "That was a karate chop from China."

The little guy got up and decided he wasn't going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he's on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, "Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!"

 

[Raewyn]

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's ball-related recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.

3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

 

[lulflo]

Q: What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me "One" with everything.

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

Q: How did the moron break his arm while raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree.

 

[FearlessFreep]

Q: What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me "One" with everything.

but then the Zen Buddhist asked for his change and the vendor said "Change must come from within"

 

[lulflo]

So when I was a kid, my mom was giving me her normal guilt trip about learning how to swim, her modes were anger and guilt. Well anyway, she told me that she was taken to the middle of the lake in a boat and they threw her into the lake, and THAT'S how they taught HER how to swim. She asked me what I thought about THAT!

I had had enough of the topic, so I asked her if she was sure that they were teaching her how to swim?


Question: If Bob shot the sheriff, then who the heck shot the deputy?

Question: Did you know that Binary code is read by 1 and 10.

 

[FearlessFreep]

Did you know that Binary code is read by 1 and 10.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world; those that can count in binary and those that can't

 

[kid]

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

 

[lulflo]

A blonde female gets pulled over by a blonde policewoman. The policewoman asks to see the blonde's license, the blonde says, "my what"? The police officer says, "the thing with your picture in it" After rummaging through her purse the blonde pulls out a compact, opens it up and says, "here it is" The blond police officer takes one look and says, "If I would have known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have bothered you"

 

[Ping898]

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."​

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"​

God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side o a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said
*
*
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*
*
*
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*
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*
"What's a headache?

 

[lulflo]

God asked one of his angels one day to go down to earth to find out if humans are being good.

The angel returned and reported that the humans were 95% bad.

God couldn't believe it and asked another angel to go and confirm the report.

The second angel came back and assured God that the first angel was correct, 95% bad.

So god sent out an email to all the good humans to thank them for a job well done and to tell them to keep up the good work.

Ya know what he wrote in that email?




Yeah, me neither

 

[lulflo]

What do you call a black man flying a B-52 Plane?














A Pilot, YOU RACIST.

 

[Sarah]

Lol

 

[kid]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild.

The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid **** do this time?", says the patron.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills the little ****er because he's been driving me nuts", says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar.

He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ***, then pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.

"What now?", responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a grape up his ***, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barkeeper.

"Well, what did you expect?", replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
____________________________________________________________

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed.

"What happened then?" they asked.

She said, "Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."
____________________________________________________________

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore; how do we quit?"

The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours."

So the nuns left, each of them thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"

The next day they went to the mother one at a time.

The mother said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?"

And the nun said "I stole a kid's bike."

The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water."

When the nun did, she was no longer a nun and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"

The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!"

The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"

The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"