A selection of jokes.

[lulflo]

Two blondes are sitting on their front porch one night in Michigan. One says to the other, "Which do you think is further, Florida or the Moon"? The second one says, "duh, can you SEE Florida"?


There are three men on an expedition through the dense jungles of Africa. They get overtaken by a tribe and taken to the river where they are tied to trees. One of the men in the tribe speaks english and says to the three men that they have one wish before they are to die. The first says he wants one last meal, so they throw an animal on the fire and feed it to him. They then skin the man alive and he dies. The second one asks to have one last time with a woman, so they allow him to take care of business with one of the women. Then they skin him alive and he dies. The third one asks why they are being skinned alive, and the tribesman says that they will use the skin to line the bottom of their canoes. So the man asks for his last wish, to have a fork. The tribesman, confused, hands him the fork. The third man starts stabbing himself repeatedly while shouting, "I HOPE YOUR CANOES SINK"!!!!!!

Larry

 

[kid]

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

 

[kid]

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"






A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[Gin-Gin]

thank you Rasin since your diggin the blonde jokes heres two more

Hey, I like blonde jokes too! Wanna know how blondes print Word documents?

 

[Gin-Gin]

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

:lol: Those a great, Sarah! :lol:

 

[Gin-Gin]

Two blondes are sitting on their front porch one night in Michigan. One says to the other, "Which do you think is further, Florida or the Moon"? The second one says, "duh, can you SEE Florida"?

:lol: Good one!

So the man asks for his last wish, to have a fork. The tribesman, confused, hands him the fork. The third man starts stabbing himself repeatedly while shouting, "I HOPE YOUR CANOES SINK"!!!!!!
Larry

Ouch!! Not sure about that one, Larry...

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

:rofl: Great one!! :rofl:

 

[lulflo]

My jokes have a pattern, one bad for every good. If I offend, tell me and I will not post the "on the fence" jokes in the future, I of course mean no harm.

Thanks - Larry

So this guy is walking down the beach and sees a girl with no arms and no legs who is softly sobbing to herself, he decides to talk to her and ask what is wrong. She says "um, well...(shyly) I have never been embraced by a man". as she blushes. The gentleman says he will take care of that and takes her in his arms and gives her a wonderfully warm hug. He sets her back up in her spot and she thanks him kindly and he is off along his way. When he walks back a little later, he sees the same woman, but this time she is obviously crying, so again he decides to talk to her. This time, hesitantly, she states that she has never been kissed by a man. He takes a look around, then looks her straight into the eyes and plants one on her, and I mean a REAL kiss. She blushes, and he blushes and briskly walks away. That night he happens by the same spot and hears someone balling their eyes out. When he goes to investigate, sure enough, it is the same lady. He is not sure he wants to ask, but he does anyway. This time she says she has never been, (bluntly) screwed by a man. He takes a look at her, picks her up and throws her in the ocean and shouts, "You have now"

That one is bad, I know.

So there are three guys on top of a skyscraper and the first guy takes a bottle out of his jacket and takes a swig of it. He is stumbling towards the edge and shouts out that the drink was so good that he feels like he can fly (staggering all the while). So he takes a step off of the building and sure enough begins to fly all around the top of the building. When he finally lands back on the building, the second guy swiftly takes the bottle from the first guy and tips it back all the way. He also concurs that the drink was so good that he thinks that HE can fly, so he takes one step off of the top of the building and....plummets to his demise on the ground below.

The third guy says to the first guy, "That was messed up, Superman"!!

 

[Sarah]

hehehehe..very good!

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[kid]

[font=times new roman,helvetica]Blonde Car Accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"


[/font]

 

[lulflo]

The same guy passes the same three guys sitting on a set of steps everyday, they never seem to move. So one day he goes and talks to them and says "You three have got to be the laziest bunch of guys I have ever seen, I'll give twenty bucks to the one who can prove they are the laziest". The first one jumps up with his hand out and says give me the twenty bucks, I'm so lazy that I don't have a job to pay for my food or beer. The man looks at the second guy, he stays in the same place and says that he is the laziest and should get the twenty bucks and stops talking. The man looks at the third guy who just sits there, doesn't move or say anything. The man waits for five minutes and exclaims that the third guy is definetely the laziest one and pulls out the twenty bucks and holds it out for the third guy, but he still doesn't move. The man says, hey buddy, here's your twenty bucks, don't you want it?!! The third guy looks at the man, waits a second and says, "Could you put it in my pocket"?

 

[kid]

Two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey Tim, what're you in for?"

"I'm getting my tonsils out - I'm a little worried," said Tim.

"Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!"

"Oh yeah?" replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is!" Sammy answered.

"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"

 

[Raewyn]

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

 

[kid]

those are so true. i am still laughing.

 

[Raewyn]

those are so true. i am still laughing.

I could'nt resist poking a bit of at you Americans!!!!!!

 

[Rich Parsons]

10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

:rofl:

I know I always laughed and still laugh at this one

 

[TigerWoman]

Those were pretty American too. Thanks Raisin. I was just thinking about that drugstore thing too. Our "new" Walgreens drugstore does have cigarettes up front and the counter way way in the back, but the Walmart has the pharmacy relatively up front. The handicap spaces are everywhere. I've noticed the old 70+ people have to walk slowly through the ice and snow from the parking lot while some supposedly handicapped people just park easy and don't appear to have a handicap. Using the card I suppose. Go figure. TW

 

[lulflo]

Minnesota's 'Best Ever' Rum Cake

1 Tsp. Sugar
1 C. Dried Fruit
1 Tsp. Soda
2 Lg. Eggs
Lemon Juice
1 Or 2 Qt. Of Rum
Brown Sugar
1 C. Butter
Baking Powder
Nuts

Before Starting, Sample Rum To Check Quality. Good Isn't It? Now Proceed. Select Large Mixing Bowl, Measuring Cup, Etc. Check Rum Again. It Must Be Just Right. To Be Sure Rum Is Of Proper Quality, Pour One Cup Of Rum Into A Glass And Drink It As Fast As You Can. Repeat. With An Electric Mixer, Beat 1 Cup Of Butter In A Large Fluffy Bowl. Add 1 Seaspoon Of Thugar And Beat Again. Meanwhile, Make Sure Rum Is Still All Right. Try Another Cup. Open Second Quart If Necessary. Add Leggs, 2 Cups Of Fried Druit And Beat Till High. If Druit Gets Stuck In Beaters, Pry Loose With Drewscriber. Sample Rum Again, Checking For Tonscisicity. Next, Sift 3 Cups Of Pepper, Or Salt (it Really Doesn't Matter). Sample Rum. Sift 1/2 Pint Lemon Juice. Fold In Chopped Butter And Strained Nuts. Add One Bablespoon Of Brown Sugar - Or Whatever Color You Can Find. Wix Mell. Grease Oven. Turn Cake Pan To 350 Degrees. Pour Mess Into Boven And Ake. Check Rum Again And Go To Bed.

 

[Raewyn]

Glad to know the Amercians here have a real good sense of humor


I hope nobody really gets offended by this, it's all just for fun)

To the citizens of the United States of America...

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee'). You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnats' Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnats' Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

 

[KenpoTex]

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

yeah, and the brits can look up "REVOLUTION" (just in case their memory has dimmed with the passage of time).

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde.

Sounds good to me (can we include Mexico too?)

You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

Uh Yeah, that's worked real well over there hasn't it...

Thank you for your cooperation

Kiss our collective A$$es!

 

[mj_lover]

nice one raisin! when does it go into effect? :ultracool