A selection of jokes.

[Raewyn]

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"!!!

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...

1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.

3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and

5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude!

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says;

"Naaaah . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[ppko]

Me likey lol

 

[ppko]

Lotto Joke

A woman walks into a convenience store and walks up to the counter. she asks for a pack of ciggarettes, and a lotto ticket. she pays, and then scratches the ticket before she leaves. lo-and-behold, the ticket was the grand prize winner, and she won 5 million dollars, so she hops in the car and speeds home to her husband.

The woman barges in the front door and proudly exclaims "honey, pack your bags! I won 5 million dollars in the lotto!"

The husband hears this from upstairs and shouts back, "honey, that's amazing! what should I pack? beach stuff or mountain stuff?" to which the wife quickly replies "I don't care, just get the hell out!"




(one for the ladies)

 

[Raewyn]

verra nice!!!!

 

[ppko]

There were two antennas sitting on top of a roof, they decided to get married.


The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was great.

 

[ppko]

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At around 1:00 in the morning, he leaned over and gently woke the
woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied.??? Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea," he exclaimed..

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damned blanket!"

 

[ppko]

Q; Who is the first irishman outside everyspring?


A; Patty-O-Furniture

 

[ppko]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"

 

[Navarre]

A student in the ancient art of the blade sat before the great master. The master asked the student to show that his technique was superior.

The student watched as a fly wandered past. With a blinding flash, the student drew his sword and struck. The fly landed on the floor, cut cleanly in half.

"Who is Master now, old one?", sneered the student.

The master smiled. As a mosquito happened by the master, with equally blinding speed, withdrew his sword and swung at the mosquito. ... Yet the mosquito flew on, seemingly untouched.

"Ha Ha, old man! Mosquito lives!", mocked the student.

"Yes," replied the master with a quiet smile, "But now mosquito not have children."

 

[The Kai]

If you were to fill a room with 100 various martial artists, how many times would you hear that joke?

 

[Navarre]

The odds of hearing it are about 100%, I'd say. Yet it wasn't posted yet so somebody had to say it. I still think it's funny.

 

[Gin-Gin]

"Yes," replied the master with a quiet smile, "But now mosquito not have children."

:lol: Good one!

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damned blanket!"

:rofl:

 

[Gin-Gin]

"Naaaah . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."[/size][/font][/b]

:rofl:

 

[mj-hi-yah]

"Yes," replied the master with a quiet smile, "But now mosquito not have children."

:rofl: We could have used him in the vasectomy thread!

 

[arnisador]

That's an old one! We should just assign it a number...martial arts joke #6.

The "buy a ticket" joke is funny!

 

[lulflo]

A teacher assigned her students to come up with a story that has a moral in the end.

The next day, when Billy was asked for his story, he said "when we were bringing the eggs to the city to sell, we had them all in the back of the truck in one large box. We hit a bump and the box fell out of the truck and all the eggs broke."
The Moral of the story: Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Rachel was next and she explained that she also lived on a farm and that several times a year they would incubate eggs to hatch. The last time they incubated 11 eggs and only 8 of them hatched.
The Moral of the story: Don't count your chickens until they hatch.

Then it was Johnny's turn and he said, "My Uncle Steve was in the Vietnam war and his helicopter was shot down, he was the only survivor and had in his possession a flask of whiskey, an M-16, and a machete. First he downed the whiskey so the enemy could not take it away, then unfortunately he was surrounded by 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He killed 70 of them with his M-16 and it ran out of bullets, so he killed 20 more with his machete until it broke, the last 10 were killed with his bare hands."
The Moral of the story: Don't **** with Uncle Steve when he's drunk!

 

[Navarre]

Man, I'd better get sone new material. I'm getting booed off the stage.

Sincerely, Black Belt #12.

 

[Gin-Gin]

One for the guys:

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second without looking over at the man and decided to send a reply note. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and delivered it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

and one for the gals:

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

"He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

 

[ppko]

Here is some jokes for the Women

1. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women.
2. How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
3. Whats a mans idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
4. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing
5. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Government bonds mature
6. How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head
7. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up
8. How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares
9. How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are taken and the ones left are handicapped.
10. Whats a mans idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum


Hopefully the women enjoyed and the men don't beat me up to bad (crouches in fetal position ready to take a whupping from the fellow men)

 

[OnlyAnEgg]

From my wife...oy, vey!

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy ehh?

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them"

"Passenger" Mmm, not many like that around"

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow."