A Great Mystery of the Cosmos

[LoneRider]

Seeing how I lost this post in that big kerfuddle that was Martial Talk Forum's latest IT problem (despite our tech's best efforts) I figure I'll repost it. I apologize for any perceived misogyny in this post.

I recently came back from a tour of duty in Iraq with the US Navy (and I transfer to the US Army as an Engineer Officer. I'm psyched to do it.) and it's made me appreciate the simple things in life. Running water. The taste of a freshly grilled steak. Cooking my own meals. Just being able to walk off base without a convoy or a platoon.

It's also helped me put some priorities together. I won't always have the Army and later Army National Guard. I'd like to find someone special but I sometimes wonder why the good women almost invariably seem to be taken. I'm not discouraged or suicidal or anything just mildly frustrated. It seems every time I meet a woman that has the four traits I find essential in a woman she is already taken.

Sometimes it feels like my dating pool is small. I'm no racist but I tend to prefer white women over other races (for some reason Asian women remind me too much of my relatives to be attractive and I can't think to date them). The sad thing is it seems most white women don't like Filipino men for whatever reason.

My three traits I deem essential (all are equally important. They're not one more important than the other) that I will not compromise on are thus:

• Intellect - I don't want to date a complete dunce. I like having intelligent and spirited conversation on dates.
• Personality - Kindness and compassion are HUGE turnons for me. A woman who is attractive and kind and gentle will set my heart aflame easily. And if she's a dog person that's
• Appearance - All the intellect and personality in the world can't quite help if I can't look at her or she makes me nauseous when I look at her. I'm sorry if I sound insensitive but it's sadly the truth.

I've had zero successes for six attempts at finding requited love. At least once I want to feel what it feels like to care about someone who feels the same way. I would like to find someone special I can give my coat to on a chilly night, someone I could snuggle with on the couch on a lazy night in while our dogs play on the floor and let her have the remote so she can choose what to watch, someone I can dote on...

My greatest fear (I'll risk baring myself on that) is that I'll be splattered all over the inside of my MRAP on some cold, dark and lonely road in Afghanistan before I ever find that love. That's the one big fear that lurks under me and at times even keeps me awake at night...

 

[still learning]

Hello, Sometimes...things starts within oneself....first.....study this well..

Aloha,

PS: Many good women out there....if you were too interview Women? ...you will here the same thing you are saying..where's the good man ...that is NOT taking...

 

[LoneRider]

I know that there are good women out there. I just seem to have to rotten luck of meeting the taken ones that meet my criteria. I'll chat her up or add her on facebook and through both mediums I discover she is taken.

Well. I'm sure they'll be someone along for me eventually. I just gotta keep hopeful and keep being my good natured if somewhat eccentric self.

 

[David43515]

Lonerider, the important thing is to not give up the search. Love has a way of showing up when you`re not looking for it. The best thing that you can do is to improve the qualities that you have to offer. Your intellect, your personality, and your appearance. Learn to be a good listener and to enjoy learning about people. Be happy for someone when something good happens to them and don`t feel like you have to "one-up" somebody.(ie: let them have the spotlight when something good happens to them. Your time will come when something good happen to you.)

If you learn to listen to people and learn to laugh with them (or better yet to help them learn to laugh) you`ll be suprised at how many women will begin to approach you. And if a girl isn`t your type, still try to be friends, she might have friends who`ll want to meet you.

I don`t know if you`re religious at all, but I find that the best place to meet nice girls can be through church. I`ve never met a woman I wanted to have a relationship with in a bar.

 

[LoneRider]

I don't go to bars for that. I'll go for a cold pint and just to practice the art of introduction and casual conversation.

 

[Live True]

Lonerider,FWIW, you should stop trying to fulfill a wish list and checking the women you meet as on or off your list. Hear me out, as I'm not trying to be harsh, but helpful.

I would recommend that you pursue things you enjoy, get to know folks (men and women) as freinds, and see where that leads you. Several things will happen with this approach. One, you will broaden your list of freinds and associates, and you'll focus on the people without shoehorning them into your expectations. Three, you'll have fun. and...well...you may just be surprised at what happens.

My husband, who is the most wonderful, gentle, funny, and amazing man I know is the complete opposite of my long ago discarded physical stereotyped ideal. We were freinds first, and discovered that our differences complimented eachother in wholly unexpected ways. I would not have listed some of his best qualities as what I was looking for, but I would be at a loss if he wasn't who he is.

In other words, live your life, make the moments count as moments, not as the ramp to your perfect relationship. You may find that your perfect girl is not list perfect, but perfect for you.

Probably not what you were expecting, but hope it's helpful. Afterall, what have you got to lose but some fun times and a broader life?

 

[Frostbite]

Sometimes it feels like my dating pool is small. I'm no racist but I tend to prefer white women over other races (for some reason Asian women remind me too much of my relatives to be attractive and I can't think to date them). The sad thing is it seems most white women don't like Filipino men for whatever reason.

I think it's okay to have a type but I wouldn't dismiss an entire group of people out of hand just because they don't fall into some category you've built up in your head. The more open you are to finding love from whatever direction it appears, the more likely you are to find it. As for white women not liking Filipino men, Spanish influenced cultures have a reputation for being a little chauvinistic and hung up on appearing macho. Make sure you don't live up to that stereotype.

As far as the actual meeting process is concerned, you just need to make a point of being wherever single women are. Of course there are always singles bars, which can be kind of hit and miss but you could try other things that interest you that attract women. Take a cooking or yoga class. Go to a wine bar instead of the neighborhood pub. Spend some time reading a book in a coffee shop (Dan Brown's book is coming out, which could be a conversation starter.) Whatever you do, try to at least be interested in doing that activity and don't just use it as a ploy to meet women. They'll sniff that out and read it as desperation.

Also, don't feel like every girl you go out with has to be someone you might marry. It sounds like you've only dated 6 women in your life. I don't know how old you are but on the grand scheme of things, that's not a very large pool of experience to draw from. When you do meet someone, focus on just going out, having a good time and not worrying about when the wedding will be.

 

[girlbug2]

Well if you look at the problem scientifically, start by imagining where the women are that meet your criteria. For instance, intellect: where do smart women hang out in real life...at bars? Maybe, but your odds aren't high. Facebook is random. A better way of evening up your odds is to find smart ladies doing things that all smart people do, which is-- continuing to learn. Classes at universities, dojos, community centers, etc. Book clubs. Let your own interests be your guide as to what kind of smart woman you want, whether book smart, street smart, or whatever. It's great that you put smarts as a priority; like the comedian said--"You can't fix stupid."

Personality is so hard to classify though. You say caring and compassionate is what you like in a woman. Maybe some careers are likely to attract that type, nursing, veterinary, counseling, physical therapists for example. Also church wouldn't be a bad place to find women who are interested in being caring and compassionate, or look for them in volunteer organizations. Join up with an organization that matches your passions and meet them there.

Looks, well, hmmm. It's in the eye of the beholder, good luck with that. You might find that somebody who you first thought as only average looking is much more physically attractive to you once you get to know her.

 

[LoneRider]

I think it's okay to have a type but I wouldn't dismiss an entire group of people out of hand just because they don't fall into some category you've built up in your head. The more open you are to finding love from whatever direction it appears, the more likely you are to find it. As for white women not liking Filipino men, Spanish influenced cultures have a reputation for being a little chauvinistic and hung up on appearing macho. Make sure you don't live up to that stereotype.

I know. But seriously it is impossible for me to get attracted to a Filipino or Asian woman because they remind me too much of my relatives to be erotic. It kills the desire because it's like dating an aunt or cousin (ew!).

Also I have issues with dating Filipino women because in my adolescence and early adulthood various older male family friends have pressed me to date various girls they know when I wasn't ready to date yet and I tend to become rather irate when they stick their snouts in my business. "I know what I like in a woman. Don't push people on me. I hate the concept of arranged pairings/marriages (that's the implication that is none-to-subtlely put in)." For me relationships are because of love not for any other reason.

In fact that was one of the only arguments me and my father have actually had and we've got a great father/son relationship. He argues I'm too selective. I argue that I know what I like and I have my preferences and hate arranged dates or pressure for it. (The latter has caused more than a few arguments).

I try to be as gentlemanly and courteous as possible yet being confident and friendly. I try not to act overly macho but having suffered from some emotionally emasculating experiences as a youth (bullying hurt especially because I was a small and slight and awkward youth) and a young man I do have issues in that area. I've largely addressed them and have become less macho and more comfortable with how I am as a person as the years have gone by.

As far as the actual meeting process is concerned, you just need to make a point of being wherever single women are. Of course there are always singles bars, which can be kind of hit and miss but you could try other things that interest you that attract women. Take a cooking or yoga class. Go to a wine bar instead of the neighborhood pub. Spend some time reading a book in a coffee shop (Dan Brown's book is coming out, which could be a conversation starter.) Whatever you do, try to at least be interested in doing that activity and don't just use it as a ploy to meet women. They'll sniff that out and read it as desperation.

Thanks for the information. I go to book stores and coffee shops a lot and I've started up conversations with tons of girls over there but for some reason closing the deal is tough (mostly because I move duty stations alot).

As far as age I'm 26. But being a future Army officer in a combat oriented branch (engineers) I could very well die before 30 in battle or be so jacked up I might as well be dead. It's my private terror that I'm KIA before I ever feel requited affection.

Well if you look at the problem scientifically, start by imagining where the women are that meet your criteria. For instance, intellect: where do smart women hang out in real life...at bars? Maybe, but your odds aren't high. Facebook is random. A better way of evening up your odds is to find smart ladies doing things that all smart people do, which is-- continuing to learn. Classes at universities, dojos, community centers, etc. Book clubs. Let your own interests be your guide as to what kind of smart woman you want, whether book smart, street smart, or whatever. It's great that you put smarts as a priority; like the comedian said--"You can't fix stupid."

Thanks. As stated earlier I do go to bookstores a lot and start plenty of conversations. It's closing the deal that can be hard for me.

Lonerider,FWIW, you should stop trying to fulfill a wish list and checking the women you meet as on or off your list. Hear me out, as I'm not trying to be harsh, but helpful.

I would recommend that you pursue things you enjoy, get to know folks (men and women) as freinds, and see where that leads you. Several things will happen with this approach. One, you will broaden your list of freinds and associates, and you'll focus on the people without shoehorning them into your expectations. Three, you'll have fun. and...well...you may just be surprised at what happens.

My husband, who is the most wonderful, gentle, funny, and amazing man I know is the complete opposite of my long ago discarded physical stereotyped ideal. We were freinds first, and discovered that our differences complimented eachother in wholly unexpected ways. I would not have listed some of his best qualities as what I was looking for, but I would be at a loss if he wasn't who he is.

In other words, live your life, make the moments count as moments, not as the ramp to your perfect relationship. You may find that your perfect girl is not list perfect, but perfect for you.

Probably not what you were expecting, but hope it's helpful. Afterall, what have you got to lose but some fun times and a broader life?

I didn't interpret your advice as harsh at all whatsoever. You didn't come across as harsh at all.

I just am in a bit of a funk. I guess its jitters because I'm changing careers (from Navy to Army which I wanted to do) and that very real terror of being strewn all over the inside of my RG-31 MRAP on some cold and dark stretch of road in Afghanistan or Iraq before I ever once feel having feelings of affection requited. It seems all the ones that I find myself attracted to seem to already be taken which leads me to believe my sort of girl is always off the proverbial market so to speak.

I mean I've got a circle of friends that I talk to from both work and off of work. I hang out. But I also have somewhat of a solitary temperment as well. It gets lonely though.

Well on that note I very well might have a date with a girl I knew back in high school (not too well: she was a senior when I was a Freshman but we had about the same circle of friends) this weekend when I fly back to Florida for two weeks for vacation. I'll just be my good natured self and see what develops. Even if nothing develops I at least I learn lessons on being a good date.

 

[girlbug2]

Don't worry about it Lonerider. The successful relationships I know of all had a way of happening when they were not expected. You can't make them happen, just let them happen...

 

[LoneRider]

Yeah. I just gotta keep that in mind and don't lose hope but sometimes it does terrify me that in my line of work I could very well die before I ever find that special someone.

For me the constant cycle is this. I'll chat up a girl I know. Get a rapport going over a period of time and then I'll discover she has a boyfriend or she tells me and leaving me confused and somewhat dejected. It's happened on all six turndowns and I've learned so many ways of being rejected (ranging from the nice letdown to the overt go away). I wonder am I for some reason falling for women that are already taken? I seem to run into this situation almost every time. Am I not sensing a 'taken' vibe or something?

 

[still learning]

Hello, Get involved with many of the local "volunteer" organizations...be a member of these service groups...

Join a church...etc...Red Cross...Jaycees...

Only way to meet people is get out there and be seen....

Some personal improvement courses...Dale Carnige courses,( How to win Friends) Toastmasters- many people lives are change here...for the better..leaders are made here...

Don't tried to hard...let things flow...........Aloha,

 

[LoneRider]

You just gave me an idea. Thanks stilllearning. I'm running a 10K in San Diego for a charity that's raising money for AIDS funding and that could give me an opportunity to build some rapports. The only downside is later next month I'm off to the Army.

 

[Carol]

Yeah. I just gotta keep that in mind and don't lose hope but sometimes it does terrify me that in my line of work I could very well die before I ever find that special someone.

For me the constant cycle is this. I'll chat up a girl I know. Get a rapport going over a period of time and then I'll discover she has a boyfriend or she tells me and leaving me confused and somewhat dejected. It's happened on all six turndowns and I've learned so many ways of being rejected (ranging from the nice letdown to the overt go away). I wonder am I for some reason falling for women that are already taken? I seem to run into this situation almost every time. Am I not sensing a 'taken' vibe or something?

No my friend, you're being toooooo selfish.

You chat up a girl, you search for what you're looking for, you see if she has what you want, and when you like what you see you become very attracted to her. But you're so focused on your own needs and wants that you haven't given her the chance to explore what she wants, including the most basic of whether she is available or not.

So it backfires. You've put the time in seeking out what you want. She has been able to see that you're not interested in what she wants. So when you want her to drop everything and go on a date with her the answer is.......


Try slowing down. A lot. Chat a girl up, and put aside any thought you have about whether she is what you want, unless you see something that really bugs ya. Joke around with her. See if you can find out things that SHE likes. Ask her, seriously or comically whether she has a boyfriend. And if she's available, take her out to lunch, or coffee.....something simple.

No, you are not going to know if she's what you're looking for. She isn't going to know if you are what she is looking for. It may not lead to something that both of you want. But there is only one way to find out. That's why everyone has been stressing common interests to you...to help improve the odds.

 

[LoneRider]

No my friend, you're being toooooo selfish.

You chat up a girl, you search for what you're looking for, you see if she has what you want, and when you like what you see you become very attracted to her. But you're so focused on your own needs and wants that you haven't given her the chance to explore what she wants, including the most basic of whether she is available or not.

So it backfires. You've put the time in seeking out what you want. She has been able to see that you're not interested in what she wants. So when you want her to drop everything and go on a date with her the answer is.......

I guess my niggling psychological fear that I'll be killed in battle (especially true now since I'm joining the Army as a combat engineer) before I meet my special someone is a lot more deep seated than I thought (throughout my years as a student at a military school four years ago is where this fear developed (where five of six of said heartbreaks occured). Faith that God has some plan that I will live long enough to find myself a soulmate seems to be the only solution but to speak honestly my faith in that is somewhat shaken. It's just a truly and profoundly scary thought.

Try slowing down. A lot. Chat a girl up, and put aside any thought you have about whether she is what you want, unless you see something that really bugs ya. Joke around with her. See if you can find out things that SHE likes. Ask her, seriously or comically whether she has a boyfriend. And if she's available, take her out to lunch, or coffee.....something simple.

I always figure something simple is the best step. I've gotten bad advice in the past saying that if I go slow and am at the friends stage that's where I will remain. That may have been yet another contributing factor to my early heartbreaks and bad approach. My last heartbreak was before I left for Iraq. All six of those hurts have made me very cautious with my approach to women.

 

[Carol]

I always figure something simple is the best step. I've gotten bad advice in the past saying that if I go slow and am at the friends stage that's where I will remain.

Maybe not THAT slow.

Go out, have fun, try being romantic, but give yourselves time to get to know each other before getting too physical or too emotional, too quickly.

Some guys try to get sexual too fast, others try to get too "you're exactly what I'm looking for" too fast. An example of the latter was a friend of mine (granted we are a few years older) that had a couple great dinner dates with a guy that she was starting to like. At the end of dinner, he asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. She said yes. They walked through town, past a real estate agent and he slows down and starts commenting on the houses for sale.

He said it in a joking fashion, but she knew he wasn't totally joking. She freaked out at the idea of a guy wanting to buy a house with her on the 2nd date, and decided to step away from the dating scene all together for awhile.

The story has a happy ending - they each take a break from the dating scene, find each other again some months later, and are now married. But not everyone gives you a second chance.

 

[LoneRider]

I guess its the old adage of moderation right? About that possible date I might have Saturday (if she doesn't go visit her relatives in Tampa) or next weekend (she said that if we don't go out this weekend she'd like to go out next weekend) it'll probably be a lunch thing or coffee at the nearest Starbucks. We chatted on facebook and out of the blue I asked if she wanted to go meet in person and she agreed.

Now I don't have any unrealistic explanations. All I'm looking for is just a nice little conversation where we talk about old times and new times and whatever else either of us comes up with. All six of the heartbreaks I experienced have given me plenty of wisdom as to how not to proceed.

Best advice I got from a female friend who's about three years older than me was to just be who I am.

Wish me luck?

 

[Carol]

I guess its the old adage of moderation right? About that possible date I might have Saturday (if she doesn't go visit her relatives in Tampa) or next weekend (she said that if we don't go out this weekend she'd like to go out next weekend) it'll probably be a lunch thing or coffee at the nearest Starbucks. We chatted on facebook and out of the blue I asked if she wanted to go meet in person and she agreed.

Now I don't have any unrealistic explanations. All I'm looking for is just a nice little conversation where we talk about old times and new times and whatever else either of us comes up with. All six of the heartbreaks I experienced have given me plenty of wisdom as to how not to proceed.

Best advice I got from a female friend who's about three years older than me was to just be who I am.

Wish me luck?

Yup. Just be who you are.

That sounds wonderful. Wishing you lots of luck, and I hope you have a nice time. I'm pullin' for ya!