2 or three months income for a ring

[Rich Parsons]

From this thread about the lost ring of $12k.

http://www.martialtalk.com/forum/showthread.php?t=61123


In modern times is it bad for a guy to ask about what she is going to buy him with two to three months of her income?

Are not both entering into the contract?

 

[AceHBK]

LOL!! Nah I dont think it is bad at all. 2-3 months salary is a lot of money to give for a ring. I would pose the question just to see what she would say. I think her answer would speak a great deal about her.

 

[MA-Caver]

I remember that was a promo from Zale's Jewelers to encourage guys to buy 2 or 3 months worth of diamonds for their intended.
I hear it again and again that a lot of women would prefer a nice simple diamond engagement and a tasteful set of wedding bands. Now if it's 2 or 3 months salary for the set then that's sounds pretty good.
You spend what you can and make up for the rest over the years in hard-work and love in making the marriage what it should be.
A diamond maybe forever but love is eternal.

 

[Ceicei]

Oftentimes it is the bride (and her family) who pays for the cost of the wedding dress, cake(s), and all the costs associated with the wedding. This could easily equal to or be more than the cost of the ring.

In olden times (and still going on with other areas of the world), the bride comes with a dowry which will then belong to the groom. It is not strange for this to be an agreement between families rather than between couples--sometimes love plays little or no part of the equation.

Now the weddings, at least currently, appear to have the wedding costs shared by both the bride's and groom's families. The traditional ways of "she does/pays this" and "he does/pays that" seem to be evolving more into unique and unusual types of weddings that are more of an expression of the couples' shared love for certain places/activities, and or hopes/goals.

- Ceicei

 

[BrandiJo]

I got married not to long ago, and i can not see spending THAT much money on a ring. Had my husband not been able to get his great grandmas ring (free) i wouldn't have wanted him to get one at all. Not because i want a pricey family heirloom but because i don't want him to spend the money on something like that. THe same came into play with our wedding bands, we wanted something strong, unique and cost effective, we chose 60 dollar titanium matching bands that came with a free inscription. I thought that we had better things to spend our money on then a set of rings. Granted i love my wedding and engagment rings and i am glad we where able to go the route we did, but if we had to do with out or if he couldnt get this ring i would have been just as happy not getting anything at all. Love is far deeper the the size of your ring or how much it cost.

As for the splitting of costs, again the huge 5k weddings are over rated. the Dj was the most expensive thing we had and he was 400 bucks. My family and i paid for most of it but we did it on a budget and pry a whole lot less then what my ring is worth, and again no where near what our love is or means.

 

[Sukerkin]

Caver makes a very good point whereby the retailers apply a pressure of their own to urge people (well, men, let's be honest) to burn huge amounts of cash on something which is merely a visual recognition symbol of a question.

This is not an issue that is simple as that tho', as there are inferences of status involved for both sides of the proposal and the problem is further clouded by opinions that are external to the couple.

I know that the latter played a role in my ring choice. I know full well my missus would've been happy with a 'cheap' ring, it was the 'question', asked the right way in an appropriate setting, that she wanted. However, there was no way I was going to put a bottom-end ring on her finger.

Why?

Because I did not want people to look at the ring (as they inevitably do) and ponder to themselves "Is that all he thinks of her?". It's silly but it has an effect. I spent a quarter of a years income just so other people would not think that my love was not real. Also, I did not want my missus to be ashamed when people asked to see it, so I spent more on that diamond band than I have on all the cars I have ever owned combined.

How stupid is that?

EDIT: BrandiJo makes some very good points too. In fact, she also raises an intriguing cultural aspect with regard to wedding costs. It seems that in America the trend is for the costs to be shared by both families and for the 'price tag' to be quite low. In England, it is still held to be the bride's father's responsibility to foot the bill and that bill is an average of £18000 ($36000). I think that is wrong, plain and simple. Most families are not forging great political alliances with their betrothals and that magnitude of expenditure would be crippling for the majority of families in this country ... and yet they still do it!?

 

[grydth]

I must be from the Civil War era.... when we became engaged in 2005, we discussed what we could realistically afford.... we visited a jeweler who was an old friend and my wife designed it and picked the stones and we both came out happy. What a day when she received it!

Now, thanks to what I've learned here, I know better.

The silly jeweler was pre-occupied with making us happy instead of skinning us for an unearthly sum. He never applied any pressure. I shall never go there again.

I shall have to tell my wife tonight that we may have failed the, "3 month test" and that she must now resent me and hate the ring.

She constantly gives me small tokens and reminders of her love, but since none of them cost her 5k, I'm not liking her much anymore, either.

 

[BrandiJo]

I know that the latter played a role in my ring choice. I know full well my missus would've been happy with a 'cheap' ring, it was the 'question', asked the right way in an appropriate setting, that she wanted. However, there was no way I was going to put a bottom-end ring on her finger.

Why?

Because I did not want people to look at the ring (as they inevitably do) and ponder to themselves "Is that all he thinks of her?". It's silly but it has an effect. I spent a quarter of a years income just so other people would not think that my love was not real. Also, I did not want my missus to be ashamed when people asked to see it, so I spent more on that diamond band than I have on all the cars I have ever owned combined.

How stupid is that?

EDIT: BrandiJo makes some very good points too. In fact, she also raises an intriguing cultural aspect with regard to wedding costs. It seems that in America the trend is for the costs to be shared by both families and for the 'price tag' to be quite low. In England, it is still held to be the bride's father's responsibility to foot the bill and that bill is an average of £18000 ($36000). I think that is wrong, plain and simple. Most families are not forging great political alliances with their betrothals and that magnitude of expenditure would be crippling for the majority of families in this country ... and yet they still do it!?

Weddings are not always inexpensive, my bros wedding 3 months after my own was nearly 5 times as much as mine and my cousins wedding was nearly double the cost of my bros wedding.

As for rings, i do not understand it. I know its a symbol of your love and your trying to get her the best, but the money can be spent on so many other things that would be so much more practical. Honestly with what my ring is worth we could have gotten a nice chunk of a house mortgage, and i would have killed my husband had he spent that kind of money on a ring. If i had to choose between a ring and a down payment on a house id go with the house hands down, if i had to choose between a ring and a down payment on a car id go with the car... but maybe im abnormal. Now thats not saying i will part with my ring for anything. It will either be passed down or pried off my cold dead finger

 

[Sukerkin]

I quite agree on the idiocy of the cost of rings, Brandi ... and yet I still went along and paid what I did anyhow (even tho' my Economist soul cringed knowing that, as soon as I paid for it, it's value went down by 90%) .

It is a nice ring tho', I have to say and, despite the fact that she is horrified that it has to have its own insurance entry, my missus loves putting her "sparkly" on every morning. That's despite the fact that she doesn't really know how much it cost - I'm sure if she did, she'd rather I'd put the money towards a conservatory for the house

 

[terryl965]

After 18 year I bought my wife a ring that was three times our monthly income but she also gave me three wonderful sons and has devoted her life with me. Noway no how would I ever buy something that expensive in the beginning.

 

[Sukerkin]

A good point there, Terry.

I saved for four years before I popped the question - of course, I did have the advantage of knowing that if this relationship wasn't 'it' I had no interest in ever trying again i.e. this was a one-time-only circumstance.

 

[terryl965]

A good point there, Terry.

I saved for four years before I popped the question - of course, I did have the advantage of knowing that if this relationship wasn't 'it' I had no interest in ever trying again i.e. this was a one-time-only circumstance.

I agree

 

[Ceicei]

Prior to our marriage, my boyfriend and I went together to select our own wedding rings. I would have preferred a simple band, yet I felt conscientious of the social pressure that brides should "want" diamonds. A diamond wasn't really my most favorite stone (I liked sapphire better), but of course, diamonds represent marriage. All my friends who married around the same time I did all got diamonds and there is the inevitable "comparison".

In keeping with my preference for simplicity, a small quarter karat diamond paired with tiny diamonds (in a very simple setting) was as basic as I wanted. That, along with my husband's ring, equalled a college student's one-month's pay.

Even then, given the things I love to do (martial arts and caving), my ring has been damaged twice and the diamond lost. After 15 years of marriage, we decided we would get the rings we originally wanted. I got my simple gold band with engraving inside and he got his in titanium. Now what that engraving says means more to me than all the diamonds in the world.

I feel much happier now with what I have and I'm able to go caving while I wear it without causing damage to myself, others, and to it. It is the same with martial arts (depending upon what we're doing in training).

- Ceicei

 

[MA-Caver]

Sukerkin, in reading your post about the cost of your ring and why you paid that much for it had me thinking... why did you go do that for? I mean, who gives a **** what other people think about how much you spend on her.
The real question is... does she KNOW you really love her? Does she know the lengths, depths that you'll go to for her? Is she content with that? Does the thought of it make her happy?
Those are the things that would cause me worry and sleepless nights? The hell with what everybody else is thinking... no, seriously.
Understand mate, that I'm not laying all that down as a critique of what you done, but more of offering another perspective. That you were willing to do so and capable shows the effort you went through to accomplish that... and that says a-lot! :asian:

Perhaps it's easy for me to "say" because like *ahem* some others here on MT I've been alone for so long that all the materialistic crap just pales by comparison over what is really important in a relationship. The love shared.
I dunno, I'm a hopeless romantic and while I would want to be able to afford a very nice ring for whomever it may be, I'm guessing (ok, and hoping ) that it really won't matter much to her.

But I think also traditionally that pricey rings also say to the woman that because I can afford this, it's a symbol of the life I am offering to you. Sort of, multiplying the cost of the ring vs 20-40 years of annual income which indicates the type of lifestyle they will live.
But now-a-days with over night millionaires and so on... it's hard to say. Sometimes those pricey rings go into hock.

So like Chuck Berry sang... " C'est la vie say the old folks, goes to show you never can tell."

 

[Sukerkin]

I can't dispute your logic, Caver and I agree with you fully, so it just goes to show how all of us can be warped by social pressure to some extent .

For me, as I only ever intend to buy one such ring, in addition to the love it's a physical representation of, I wanted it to be one that my missus would love the aesthetics of too, after all, she's wearing it every day, .

Why it turned out so expensive is in part down to a negotiation between 'beauty' and what I could conceivably afford. A further important consideration was what I thought would suit Michelle's 'style' {and had a chance of competing with all the other rings she wears :lol:}.

So I started out looking at the bottom end of the price-scale and worked my way up . Altho' it was expensive, I can't claim otherwise, I happen to think that I looked at some that were three times the price that did not look as good.

For anyone searching for an engagement ring, I have a passle of links to jewellers still if they'd be of help .

Plus, if you're planning on it being a surprise like I was (and pulled it off too ) and therefore cannot get your lady's own opinion, I found it useful to get the opinions of some female friends on my choice. By luck or judgement, I managed to 'get it right' as the unanimous verdict was "Oh she'll love that!" ... and she did :huzzar:.

 

[mrhnau]

Caver, Sadly, society and those beloved jewelers are very good at convincing women that they need the best pebble. I got engaged when I was still in grad school, so I was not on the high end of the earning spectrum. There comes the inevitable "comparing of rings" with coworkers whose fiancee/husband is a lawyer/doctor/rich guy. Sad as it is, that kind of social pressure exists. Same thing that makes people go buy nicer cars than they can afford, bigger houses, more expensive clothes. My mom had to wait 20 years for her diamond, but somehow I don't think my wife would have loved that too much LOL.

Personally, we went for a relatively cheap wedding. My wife's parents were both deceased, so we had to cover the whole thing ourselves, which was rough. My sister had one of those 30k weddings and my dad had to refinance the house for that sucker! But thats what she wanted. Gotta love social pressure.

Speaking of which, the whole holiday thing has always bugged me. Businesses foster the idea that you have to have the perfect Christmas decoration, the bunny pictures, the dozen roses, the jewelry, the cards, the food... I know people that spend so much on Christmas that they spend the next year getting rid of the debt, only to do it again the following year. How nuts has our society become?

 

[CoryKS]

My wife didn't want me to spend too much because she wanted to use the money for a really cool honeymoon. She ended up picking a moderate platinum/diamond number because "It looks kinda Star Wars-y."

 

[Laurentkd]

After 18 year I bought my wife a ring that was three times our monthly income but she also gave me three wonderful sons and has devoted her life with me. Noway no how would I ever buy something that expensive in the beginning.

my sis married her husband right as he was going into med school. He said he would buy her something then if she wanted it, or if she would wait awhile he would get her something really nice. She chose to wait (good thing since they soon had a little one on the way!) and was greatly rewarded for her patience 10 years (and three more kids) later. Seems to me like the perfect answer.

 

[MA-Caver]

Caver, Sadly, society and those beloved jewelers are very good at convincing women that they need the best pebble. I got engaged when I was still in grad school, so I was not on the high end of the earning spectrum. There comes the inevitable "comparing of rings" with coworkers whose fiancee/husband is a lawyer/doctor/rich guy. Sad as it is, that kind of social pressure exists. Same thing that makes people go buy nicer cars than they can afford, bigger houses, more expensive clothes.

Yeah, sad but true. Thats why marketing firms hire psychology majors because they can better understand how to get into the inner workings of our psyches and know what buttons to push to get consumers to buy, buy, buy. They feed off our own inner senses of inadequacies because they know that no matter what we do it will never be enough (deep down inside).

Anyway, I said I was a hopeless romantic but I'm not naive :wink1:

 

[shesulsa]

I think it's most interesting the love affair women have with diamonds, especially given the truth behind their value and the abominable conditions under which they are mined.