need to vent

Discussion in 'The Locker Room Bar & Grill' started by shudokan-RN, Apr 1, 2008.

  1. shudokan-RN

    shudokan-RN Yellow Belt

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    Well guys and gals, I need to belly up to the bar. long story short my 19 year old step son who has blanked up all but his last chance, arrived on our doorstep (with a buddy) to relocate back to WA. This is the child who a year ago when told that drugs and that sort of activity was not allowed in this house, chose to not come home and drop out of high school. He was a senior, needed 2 credits and 2 months to graduate. Since then he ended up back in Kansas with his mom, who he stole checks from and pawned her bike.
    My Husband and I agree he needs to get back on track,and we want to help.
    I am going nuts. They havent found jobs yet and are eating us out of house and home. I spent over $ 400 on groceries Sat. Today, no milk, no cheese, no yogurt, no snacks for my 9 year olds lunch, no juice, no chips, no cottage cheese, and a 24 pk of water and 12pk of lemon aide is gone:ak47:
    they have maybe spent 3 hours total job hunting. I dont expect any answers, I just need to vent.

    Thanks all

    Marci
     
  2. Hand Sword

    Hand Sword Grandmaster

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    Feel free to do sa anytime!

    However, I would say that you can't help them until they are ready to help themselves or accept it. They need to hit rock bottom. Until then, don't allow them to leach off of you. Don't let your good intentions get abused. There's no need for you to go bankrupt over clowns like that. Tell them get jobs or get out and stick to it! Whatever negative crap is said to you, blow it off (though it stings) and move on. Eventually, they'll come around. Besides they are of age now, and you are not responsible for them any longer. Best of luck to you.
     
  3. MA-Caver

    MA-Caver Sr. Grandmaster

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    Is it really the fact that you already know what you want to do but are looking for approval or recognition for what you plan on doing?
    They're 19 years old... they're going to keep going the way they're going until they get hit hard in the face by real life.
    Happened to me many times.
    I think you'll be doing them a real favor putting them out on their own.
    At 19 they're old enough, true inexperienced and used to folks bailing them out. But do it and let them know firm conditions on how they can come back.

    If they get busted... let them stew a bit in jail before bail.
     
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  4. Doc_Jude

    Doc_Jude 3rd Black Belt

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    Agreed. My stepbrother pulled that crap (while I went into the Navy, work my *** off, & am now finishing up two Bachelors degrees). It may hurt, as a mother, I'm a father now & I can only imagine what I'll do when that day comes when my girls say they know better. Tough love, dish it out!!! Be strong. You have young ones that need you, they come first.
     
  5. diamondbar1971

    diamondbar1971 Green Belt

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    Time to pack em in the car and drop them both off at the nearest military recruiters office. There they will find what they need...food shelter and clothing and guess what,
    its free and they can eat all they want.
     
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  6. terryl965

    terryl965 <center><font size="2"><B>Martial Talk Ultimate<BR

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    I agree, go and do this. You may just save there lifes.
     
  7. Hand Sword

    Hand Sword Grandmaster

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    Yep. And if they don't like that, tell them that Jail is not too far off in their futures, since they are already doing petty crimes. Military, the street, or jail, see which alternative they want!
     
  8. morph4me

    morph4me Goin' with the flow

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    I know you aren't looking for advice, but I have to agree with everyone else. You're not doing them any favors by letting them disrupt your lives, and it's only a matter of time before you find that they've been stealing from you and ignoring your rules. It's time for a education in the school of hard knocks.
     
  9. Catalyst

    Catalyst Blue Belt

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    What he said !!!
     
  10. Brian R. VanCise

    Brian R. VanCise MT Moderator Staff Member

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    I to think it is time for a little tough love. Sometimes that is the best love you can give. A military recruiter visit sounds pretty good right about now. [​IMG]
     
  11. theletch1

    theletch1 Grandmaster

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    And yet another vote for a big boot right in the crack of their arses. I've seen it many times myself. "Tough love" has gotten a bad reputation from many but this would be a case of "tough reality". Unless you plan to go through these intermittent "visits" for the rest of their lives put them out on their butts now and have them sink or swim. As for the friend...what the hell is he doing there in the first place?
     
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  12. jks9199

    jks9199 Administrator Staff Member

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    I'm not in total agreement with the suggestion about the military life.

    We don't need criminals in the military, and you've described 2 criminals. He stole from his mother, for gawd's sake.

    Make it simple. They want to live with you -- they earn money, and contribute towards the expenses. They help clean the house, and (if you trust them) they help babysit. In short -- they take steps towards being functioning responsible adults... or you boot them to the curb. Your 9 year old son is your responsibility now, not the adults who still want to play kid.
     
  13. thardey

    thardey Master Black Belt

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    My parents had a spare living space that our church leaders knew about. There were a couple of families who lived there for a while to "get back on their feet."

    One of them worked out okay, I guess, it turns out we didn't really help her at all, she never really got back on her feet, but she didn't really burn us, either.

    Another family was a different story. They were supposed to stay for a couple of months until the dad found a job and get first and last month's rent saved up for an apartment. Nothing happened. They stayed for over a year.

    Finally my Dad (I was about 12 at the time.) Told them if they don't start doing "X" amount of chores around the property every week (No more than I was doing, as a kid) then they were out. He worked hard for two weeks, and then they found another place to stay.

    Same thing with another guy who was trying to move from Oklahoma. He hung around until he was required to either work doing chores, or pay rent. He left a week later.

    I agree with JKS, if they really want to clean up their lives, then make them start with your house. They have the time, they have the ability, they have the opportunity, do they have the will? You should have two live-in butlers right now. They might need a little training, though.

    You may consider drawing up a rental agreement with them. There are some do-it-yourself legal places that can provide you with a pre-designed rental agreement, you just fill in the blanks. You know, "30 hours a week or $300 a month" in exchange for room and board. Each. Or whatever seems fair to you.

    We found out that we couldn't "Evict" this other family, because we had no agreement in the first place. If we had made an agreement in the beginning, we would have been in a lot better position. As it was, we had to wait until they decided to leave.

    I know you said you're not looking for advice, but I was in the same place as your nine-year-old, more than once, and there's a pattern that develops.
     
  14. grydth

    grydth Senior Master

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    There's some good sense here. When I was a military prosecutor barracks theft got you a Bad Conduct Discharge and 6 months in a military prison. That's not the answer.

    They need to turn themselves around first. I am lucky - 4 kids, 4 good apples. But even here I needed to tell the boys that if they didn't stop fighting and breaking things they'd each be taking a trip out back with me. Not a problem since - and you know, they'll thank you later for the tough love. I think most of us need to do it.
     
  15. Kacey

    Kacey Sr. Grandmaster

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    Yikes! Makes me glad I have a dog instead of children. I'm so sorry that you and your husband are going through this.

    I agree with the tough love concept; I don't know that the military is the right answer for either of these young men. I do think, however, that a bill, listing their weekly cost for rent, utilities and food, along with a list of possible ways for them to earn it (either doing work for you and your husband or getting a job) is another possibility - as long as you allow them, however grudgingly, to remain in your house, they have no reason to leave.

    Good luck!
     
  16. newGuy12

    newGuy12 Master of Arts

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    Oh my! I'm not a parent, so bear that in mind. I would agree with all the others, though, that you can't baby this guy. You are killing him if you do.

    Now, also I would say that time is of the essence for him to get a job. The economy is going to tank soon, and it will only get harder to get a job in the future.

    "How many job applications did you fill out today." This is no joke. If nothing changes, this could persist for a long time! A job is very important, not just for money, but to give a person structure in their life. To have the sense of accomplishment. If he does not get a job, then depressive feelings can come.

    I hope you all the best.
     
  17. Brian King

    Brian King Master of Arts

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    shudokan-RN wrote:


    Marci
    I can certainly understand the need and want to vent and appreciate you doing so here as it gives people a couple of different opportunities. A chance to see perhaps that they are not alone on facing difficult family and marriage issues, a chance to appreciate their current peaceful situations and a chance to look ahead and see issues coming down the road that they may have to face.

    I disagree with most if not all the prior threads advice, not that it is poor advice or misguided but I think it does not necessarily apply in your situation.

    The thing that stood out most to me in your original post was the statement that you and your husband agree he needs to get back on track and you both want to help. This is so very important and can not be understated. Situations like this can destroy marriages and families when the teamwork and understanding between husband and wife are conflicted. My biggest disagreement with the advice so far given is that it does not take into account that this is your step son. This matters on many different levels. In this case I think that it will be up to your husband to provide the leadership and the discipline needed. You should in my opinion avoid at all cost becoming the evil step mother. Failure to do so may result in your taking the blame for all upcoming situations and drive wedges between the family members. Drug users are manipulators and your step son will use your being “not his mother” to distract and divide the family. Your job will be to provide love and moral support, not only to your step son (who may be lost depending on his drug of choice which judging by your location and Kansas I am guessing is meth) but even more importantly to your husband and son. How you and your husband handle this situation is being watched by your son and should be viewed by the both you and your husband as practice for the future. Learn how to communicate between each other and come up with plans and agreement on how to handle these and other crises that you will face in the future. Using your intuition, experience and professional training you should be a major part in the decision and policy making, your views should be heard and considered, but again your husband needs to be the one to state and enforce the rules in this case.

    Some suggestions for getting your son back onto track in no specific order.
    • If he is not working he needs to be doing volunteer work at the local homeless shelter. He should be spending eight hours a day there at a minimum five days a week as a condition of his staying in your home. Check daily with the leadership there at the shelter to insure that he is staying for the duration of his shift. The management should understand that his working there is both motivation to look for work and a need that we all have to feel useful. The jobs given for him to accomplish should be motivational, for example cleaning toilets and puke/blood, washing those to ill to wash themselves, doing laundry etc.. His buddy if still around has the same obligations but at a different shelter than your son.
    • The military is out as they do not accept people without at least a high school diploma or GED equivalent, not to mention that our country is at war and people that steal from their own mothers are not what is needed right now in our military and if there is a criminal record it will be hard for him to qualify for enlistment even should he get his GED. That said if he should get his GED and a waiver for his past criminal activity the discipline and pride in service and duty that the military can install has done wonders for many misguided and wandering youth.
    • Any job will do, it does not and likely will not be a good career field and that is OK. Many a youth has put into practice their MBA degrees (moving beef around) to help them along later in life, same for those that have wiped the outside of vehicles and the end of car washes, or the guy cutting the lawn up the street. Unfortunately your son will not last long on most jobs and this should not be tolerated or excused, on the other hand short anniversaries (one month, three months etc) should be celebrated and rewarded.
    • Everyone in the family pulls their load (including guests). If not working outside the home in addition to volunteer work, he should be expected to help out (without having to be told) by washing the vehicles and keeping up the yard and doing housework and maintenance on the home including cleaning the gutters and washing the exterior of the residence.
    • After he starts employment he starts a savings account (no credit cards and don’t you dare cosign anything at all for him) You can start an additional account and can offer a match for money that he saves depending on your families ability. The sooner he saves the sooner he can pay first and last and deposit on a place for his own
    • After he starts employment he starts contributing to the families finances, he pays rent and keep. Now you can depending on your families ability help him out by taking that amount and adding it to the savings account above, again the sooner he can get established the better for all.
    • I am not necessarily a big believer in counseling but it might be considered also as a condition of residing unemployed with the family. Perhaps your church has a program? Or a community or police program?
    • Perhaps some physical work would also be helpful for him; there might be a way to get him to start training at your martial arts school?
    • Treat him as a grown man not a child, set high standards, explain them so that all understand them then hold him to them recognizing when he both succeeds and fails.
    Good luck Marci, you are in store for both heart break and pride and satisfaction. I pray for more of the latter.

    Warmest regards
    Brian King
     
  18. INDYFIGHTER

    INDYFIGHTER Purple Belt

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    Put someone like that in the military and they'll just find a way to get discharged. Tough love is where it's at. They'll never do it on their own until you stop doing it for them.123
     

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