Just need to have a vent and let off a little steam about my problem

Discussion in 'The Study' started by Blade96, Jan 26, 2011.

  1. Blade96

    Blade96 Senior Master

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    LOL

    I already said i was sorry. many times. Im just not comfortable around any babies even if she is my niece. I have a neighbor - my mom's friend - who doesnt like cats and moves away from my cat Princess. My mom and me arent gonna say ban her from our house because she pulled away. Its nuts. Same with babies. My behavior was weird, and I apologized, even some of my aunts and uncles and cousins and my grandmother parents agreed that my bro and his gf's reaction isnt right either. Thats why theyre not going sdown, they said they arent going and leaving me out. I have never been a baby person. never. My bro and gf knew that. There was no reason to call me a threat or something. Its terrible.

    Luckyboxer, if I told you the whole story you would understand why i never liked the gf and my parents never did really like her that much either. You'd understand im not spoiled and childish and expect to be catered to. She never really liked neither me or my parents right from the beginning. I know you can only write just from what u read here, but you'd understand if i had told the whole full story.

    And you're right. The baby is just the excuse. There have been many incidences. they even called my mom - my niece's grandmother - basically a threat to her. And my mom loves babies! If she thought my mom was a threat, and she cant get enough of her, then what am I? Jeez.

    I was involved with my niece from the beginning, in my own way. I bought her first toys. I named her, gave her a middle name that my bro and his gf liked and agreed with. For Christmas present i gave them a ornament that said babys first christmas 2010. I was involved in my own way. I went to see her the day she was born.
     
  2. Flea

    Flea Beating you all over those fries!

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    Exactly. Family relationships are intense and complicated, because they are a lifetime in the making. I'm sure there is a lot of subtext that isn't making it into the conversation. Nobody is perfect, and I'm sure Blade has some blind spots going into this interaction as well. But it's a little shallow for any of us to pass judgement.
     
  3. CoryKS

    CoryKS Senior Master

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    No, it isn't. She posted it in the Study "to get more responses", and we can pass judgement as we see it. The story as presented reflects poorly on her, and it's a ******** cop-out to follow up with "oh, there's a whole lot of back story that I can't tell you, but if you heard it you would really, really understand."

    Blade, I'll tell you as a father why I would consider you a danger to my child. Not because I think you would put a finger on him, but because I think you wouldn't. Babies and small children get into things. Sometimes, they get into dangerous things. If my son reached for, oh, say, an electrical outlet, I wouldn't trust you to have enough empathy to stop him. Again, this is based only on what you're willing to tell us.
     
  4. Bruno@MT

    Bruno@MT Senior Master

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    Ehrm...

    Don't take this the wrong way, but the fact that you can even think that it is the same thing shows that you truly don't understand this. I mean this objectively. What you fel for your cat cannot begin to approach what they feel for their baby and how it affects them. It's like comparing a matchstick to a supernova.

    I know you cannot understand this, but please at least accept it on a rational level. Any reaction to the baby is like a direct reaction to them. Noone is telling you to like the kid. But unless you learn to tolerate them and don't show a reaction, you will simply never make amends with your brother. And I honestly can't blame him for that, regardless of anything else that is going on.
     
  5. Bruno@MT

    Bruno@MT Senior Master

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    Forget about that. Even the normal everyday stuff would be a disaster.
    Changing a diaper?
    When they have a fever and their tummy is misbehaving?
    Of they are sick and vomit all over you?
    Or they are scared or sad and need actual comforting?
    Or they are teething and you're up all night trying to soothe them?
    Or they are potty training and a small accident happens?

    There are a million examples I could give where a child needs care and affection despite the ickiness of vomit, poo, mucus, rashes, etc, and I would not trust her to get over the mental barrier to actually give both at times like that.
     
  6. granfire

    granfire Sr. Grandmaster

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    This is absurd. Seriously.
    Because somebody does not care for babies does not mean they are a total dork in times of need. Aside from the fact that you - as a parent- would be a complete idiot to leave a child in the care of somebody like that.

    I find it rather disturbing when people, parents think jsut because thy adore little poopsie that everybody else has to as well.
    I don't mind kids and I don't want to sit next to a toddler at the dinner table. I am not Martha Steward but I don't like the mess they make either.
    It's not fair to jump on Blade in the manner.

    being not in the know it's of course difficult to assess the situation but it seems that there is a lot cooking that's not too obvious.
     
  7. LuckyKBoxer

    LuckyKBoxer Master Black Belt

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    thats seems to be all that is happening, the parents are refusing to put the baby in Blades presence... sounds like good parenting based on her reaction.
    and being a parent i dont expect anyone to like anything about my kids, but I will make sure that those that go out of their way to show any displeasure are not in my kids presence. Being parents we are doing our job by considering the worst possible scenario, especially when there are warning signs. Its not our job to consider the best possible scenario in Blades position. We are parents we are going to side with other parents for protection of kids. Dont like it? Dont be around kids and it wont be a problem.
     
  8. Empty Hands

    Empty Hands Senior Master

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    Seriously, what is more immature: having an irrational nervousness/fear around babies, or exploding at someone that does and taking their reaction as a personal judgment?

    By way of comparison, my Uncle Dave also had an irrational nervousness around babies. He didn't want to get too close, and he didn't want to touch them. Did my family stop inviting him around? Call him a danger? Refuse to speak to him for months?

    No. They accepted his particular personality, and dealt with it like adults. They kept the toddlers away from him, and everyone still shared family events without strife (at least due to that). He interacted with us more and more as we grew up, and nothing bad came of it.

    So who was more adult in their reactions, my family or Blade's brother?

    One of the hallmarks of adulthood is accepting that which is, dealing with it with grace, and not taking personally that which is not personal. Otherwise, what would have been more adult, my uncle's entire family refusing to speak to him?

    Oh, and there is no objectivity here. Parental bonds are emotional things fueled by intense levels of the hormone oxytocin. That doesn't make parents wrong or bad, but it doesn't mean that their reactions concerning their children are automatically perfect expressions of rational judgment either.
     
  9. granfire

    granfire Sr. Grandmaster

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    Yes, but you don't read the rest of it. I have seen spouses wedge themselves between their partner and the family. Ugly mess. I just think it's a setup: Bro knows sis doesn't do the baby thing, Parents won't exclude her, killing 2 birds with one stone: non of the pesky family for dinner.
    Obviously Blade cares enough about the person this baby is going to be to invest herself.

    But to equate that not liking the baby stage to being a danger to the child is silly.
     
  10. Blade96

    Blade96 Senior Master

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    Sure. I asked for responses and people can post them. Luckyboxer posted a response, as he sees it, about depression for instance. I didnt like it, but if i were childish or any less mature i could have told him to pound sand. I didnt. Its only what he thinks, so I told him he can suit himself. :)

    My parents had a long chat with my bro and gf tonight. There was a lot of talking, some yelling, some expletives going on. He made it clear he thought me and mom was basically threatening to his child. He blamed two of us for it. My Mom is a baby person and cant get enough of her grandchild. And My bro was never this bad before he got in contact with this woman. Granfire is right. Itis a wedge between family members. and my bro is drinking the koolaid. Now I know control when I see it, and this is one of the darkest kinds. My own relationship with my ex was bad, and he also attempted to drive a wedge between me and my parents, between me and my friends. I was smart enough to avoid the koolaid. My bro is not.

    There is not much can be done unfortunately. I dont really know. I got out of a bad relationship by myself. I tried to patch things up with my own bro. I dont know what else to do.

    btw Cory and Bruno are right of course. Which is why whenever I took sitting jobs it was always with older kids. Never babies. I dont have the patience for them wouldnt be good with them. I would never have been taking care of my niece by myself while still at the baby stage. I know i wouldnt be able to therefore I dont do it. and its also why I decided to not have babies of my own. I have problems and issues, and wouldnt want to wind up like the mum who was playing farmville and couldnt deal with her crying baby.
     
  11. Jade Tigress

    Jade Tigress RAWR

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    Blade said she pulled away from the child. Sounds like what someone with a fear of spiders or something might do. As if being completely repulsed by the presence of the baby. This is a highly offensive gesture for the parents of an infant. Blade was honest with her brother, and with us, about her aversion toward infants. She can't help it. Nothing wrong with her feelings.

    As an adult, Blade needs to control her feelings of dislike for young children if she wants to maintain a relationship with the child's parents. If her feelings are such that she absolutely cannot control flinching, then she has to accept the fact that she won't see the baby or the parents and leave it at that.

    I do not think she would harm or neglect a child. I do not think Blade is a bad person because she is not fond of infants. Any hesitation in overcoming her squeamishness could be time not afforded in case of an accident, so she may not be the best person to look after a baby, and she wouldn't want to be responsible for that anyway. I believe she would be up front in saying so if asked to babysit for anyone.

    To me it appears that her brother's accusations stem from being offended, hurt, and angered by her reaction to his child rather than a true fear of her hurting his child. Not saying that makes it right. I can understand his offense and declaration of not attending family functions she will be present at, I don't think he should be characterizing her as a potential abuser. He is trying to offend her as much as he felt offended, and apparently he is succeeding.

    Time for some adults to grow up...
     
  12. Blade96

    Blade96 Senior Master

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    Thats how my entire extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins) and how my mother's friends who had babies dealt with it all my life. and as the babies grew up, it was just as you said. I interacted with them more and more, even 'sat' for them when they got older. They often listened to me better than their own parents lol! We became friendly, and now we are all grownups and we get along great!

    The only one who is different is my bro and his gf.
     
  13. Steve

    Steve Mostly Harmless

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    There is way too much stuff we don't know about what's going on.

    I'll say, in general, I don't like drama. So, if you're coming over to my house, don't bring conflict or drama. If you don't like my kids or my dogs, you won't enjoy yourself around here. It's not that I don't want to hang out with you. I have a 15 year old who's a moose, a 13 year old and a toddler. I also have about 400 lbs of slobbery dog, and I let them on the couch. I understand that this isn't for everyone. It's not that you're unwelcome. I just don't have any interest in accomodating you in my own home.

    If you invite me to your place and don't like my kids, I'll either politely decline or I will leave the kids at home. It's not a big deal.

    What's ridiculous is to even begin to believe we have the entire story here. We don't.
     
  14. granfire

    granfire Sr. Grandmaster

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    I think 400 pound dogs were called ponies....


    I think it's impossible to fit a family history into a couple of paragraphs.
     
  15. Steve

    Steve Mostly Harmless

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    Agreed, and just to be clear, it's 3 dogs totalling about 400 lbs! :) Bunch of big breed mutts.
     
  16. Blade96

    Blade96 Senior Master

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    can i assume that where you live is a zoo then :p
     
  17. granfire

    granfire Sr. Grandmaster

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    He sounds like he has a nice zoo tho...
     
  18. seasoned

    seasoned MT Senior Moderator Staff Member

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    As adults I do feel that a certain degree of tolerance is important to be functional.
    I would liken it to going to someones house for dinner, and not knowing what is on the menu. When that first mouthful is tried, eyes are watching. At that point a relationship can progress or decline. I am in no way trying to simplify this particular situation, but this is a very important facet of life. If we allow true feeling to surface at particular times in our lives, this could cause very adverse problems, as stated. I feel strongly that we all need to monitor ourselves daily, and look within. None of us are born perfect, but with some work and self awareness the best of life is ours. Life, as with martial arts, needs practice, and the name of the game is to get better with age.......... Ever morning is a new beginning in life, look at it this way, and things can only get better. [​IMG]
     
  19. seasoned

    seasoned MT Senior Moderator Staff Member

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    Glad you clarified, Steve. In this case 3 is better then 1. [​IMG]
    My wife and I have 2 dogs that are part of our family, our babies if you will. [​IMG]
     
  20. Archangel M

    Archangel M Senior Master

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    Im gonna be blunt (unusual huh?).

    It looks like theres enough dysfunction to go around for the whole family here.

    Blade..you have been pretty open with talking about your "issues" of various sorts here. It's obvious that your family has various "issues" as well. Now we all have "issues" to various extents, but my professional experience has shown me that sometimes the more severe ones are inherited and passed along through families. I seriously suggest counseling.123
     

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