Just need to have a vent and let off a little steam about my problem

Discussion in 'The Study' started by Blade96, Jan 26, 2011.

  1. Blade96

    Blade96 Senior Master

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    I thought I'd post it in here cause i thought i'd get more responses.

    This time its about my bro and his gf

    well ya its because of my niece who wasnt quite one at the time. One day just before christmas 2010 they came up, him, her, and their daughter. I pulled away from my niece when she came near me cause im not comfortable around babies. Its not agaist them and my niece I let em know right from the moment she was pregnant I wasnt a baby person and not to take it personally. well my bro took that as a great big insult when I pulled away from her just before Christmas and said im no longer welcome at their house and hes only coming up when im not there like when im at shotokan or somethin. He also said when I was up to their house, me, my parents and them, back in September, that I scurried across the kitchen pulling away from the niece and i didnt wanna sit next to her at the table, and stuff, well, I cant help it, seeing babies eatin with food all over their mouth makes me sick, I cant help that! But my parents said my bro is makin crap up, I did no such thing and I was well behaved, and so I was. My parents said they agreed that was harsh and they werent going down over christmas with out me. my parents got insulted and said well theyre not coming down if theyre im not welcome and as a result they missed her first christmas and her first birthday and its their very first grandkid you know its times they will never have an opportunity to have again ever. they'll never forgive my bro a
    for that i dont blame them.

    anyways he also said i was afraid i might hurt Holly he practically called me a potential child abuser like wtf i never lay a fingernail on kids never mind a hand what an insult!

    So they're treating me like im a child abuser and hurting my - our parents as well. so i wrote him back on fb and i said You owe every one of us an apology and i said i dont even know why your on my fb list you arent my friend and you arent being my bro
    and i said im taking him off fb as far as im concerned i have no bro
    so i just took him off fb just now

    I KNOW this didnt happen just out of the blue its been festerin for years, my parents had em up here all the time and treated em to nice dinners and gave em tons of stuff and everything, they never had us down in 3 years before we finally went down just once and that as they say, was that. My bro and his gf always treated her family way better than us. This was just the final nail in da coffin so to speak. my expletive bro will be lucky if I even speak to him again. I'm not a child abuser, Im not a baby person but I do like children when they get about 4 or 5, i get along really well with em, in fact I have to pry em off my butt, lol, cause they're stuck to me like glue.

    My parents, grandparents and some of aunts and uncles understand and say Whats the matter with my bro? so i do have much support but I just needed to vent. Its the little girl, my niece holly who'll be suffering by denying her a relationship with her grandparents and me her aunt. I also told them I'm not a ***** - I just have a low BS tolerance.

    I just needed to vent. Thanks for letting me. [​IMG]

    little Bladey.
     
  2. girlbug2

    girlbug2 Master of Arts

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    The problem with FB and the whole internet is that it's just too instantaneous. People don't take time to cool off and reflect before they react.

    With something as important as family relationships at stake, I'd basically think long and hard about what I want your brother and his gf to know, then put it in a letter and mail it the old fashioned way. That way you aren't reacting off the cuff, and if they want to reply they can write back or pick up the phone. But, either way, they will also be taking more time to think than on FB. Also it's unlikely they've put your snail mail on "ignore" :).

    I wouldn't necessarily apologize unless you believe you are in the wrong, but you can state your case carefully once again and ask if they can just accept you the way you are so that family relationships can be restored. Perhaps stress the fact that you *do* want a relationship with your niece, just not physically close while she is at the infant stage. Maybe after all that, there can be peace.
     
  3. Blade96

    Blade96 Senior Master

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    well I made several attempts at a reconciliation. Several times. And way back when we first found out she was pregnant, and long before that he always had known I wasnt that fussy on infant stage. But I get along really good with older kids. He knew that. Always. I wanted him and his gf to know if i dont get that close to her as an infant it isnt personal.

    Made an attempt again tonight. Just asked is what i did really so bad you have to ban me from your house and my parents can come down and not me? That you can only visit when I'm not there? That you practically have to label me as potential harmful and call me practically a child abuser??? He said Obviously it is. and making up stuff like i was bad at his house too, but the truth of it was I wasnt. I wanted it to be a joy. and I thought we all had a good time. and that my parents if they never had a christmas a first birthday with my niece it was there fault. Well no it wasnt because they refused to go down without me. They dont believe in leaving me out cause what i done wasnt severe enough. i let him know i wanted them to come down. i do not want this.

    I got a slapp in the face each time i tried to reconcile. Thats when i wrote the fb message, through PM, because obviously i dont want every Joe Blow knowing about this. (well u guys do, but i didnt mention names or anything.)
     
  4. Aiki Lee

    Aiki Lee Master of Arts

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    May I ask what it is about babies that make you feel so uncomfortable?
     
  5. Blade96

    Blade96 Senior Master

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    I don't really know. Its not something that can be easily explainable - you know when you're not fussy about something but cant really explain what it is.....you just do.

    Actually I dont understand why people love and fuss over babies so much. Cause to me they are boring, they dont do anything just eat and sleep and drool and east messily and use in their diapers. and they arent even that good looking to me. I honestly dont see why most find em 'cute' to me most look really weird. some more than others. Except my niece. I didnt think she looked weird. But i never thought cute or pretty either. I just thought not weird. But I cant ever remember myself thinking any baby is cute or pretty.

    Its like I dont 'connect' to them. or feel anything for them. But I'd never hurt one. Ever.
     
  6. billc

    billc Grandmaster

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    Sorry about this Blade96, family problems like this are pretty horrible. It always seems like no matter what you do you can't get things back on track. For my little bit of advice, talk to your parents and let them know that they should take any chance they can get to see their grand daughter, even if it may mean your not going. A little kid needs as much family around them, especially at an early age like that, it gives them confidence about the world. Your brothers problem shouldn't keep them away even if he is being horrible to you.

    As for your brother, if it were me, I would go silent for quite a while. Right now nothing is going to be accomplished by trying to fix it. Whatever his problem is I don't think you will be able to fix it right at this time. By going quiet, you at least let the dust settle. This will possibly give you time to think of some ways through the problem, ask advice from friends and other family. If you know any clergy, try them. they deal with family issues as a professional responsibility, and you might be able to get some insight from them. Try several different clergy if you can, try social workers if you can, they might have insight into what your brothers problem is.
    Also, as time goes by, sometimes feelings and stances by people can become softer and less rigid. It won't be easy, and I understand how you feel. As time passes though, memories fade, sometimes, and it may be easier to deal with his issues at a later date.
    Good luck with this Blade 96, I hope things change for the better soon. Stay strong and be patient and this might work itself out.
     
  7. Blade96

    Blade96 Senior Master

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    Thanks. If it does work itself out in the future, i'll be writing here.

    If it doesnt.....i guess i'll be writing too.

    But knowing both my bro and his dipswitch of a gf (who i never liked ever since he first started dating her) I wont hold my breath.
     
  8. Aiki Lee

    Aiki Lee Master of Arts

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    A mediator between you and your brother may help explain your side of things. He was likely confused and insulted you didn't want to be around his baby. It comes from his own percepton from what he believes about the whole situation.
     
  9. Blade96

    Blade96 Senior Master

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    maybe a mediator. maybe.

    I had them both prepared for that long ago though. that i might not be warm and cuddly because i simply dont 'connect' with babies and am not comfortable around them. Wasnt anything they didnt know about. and my bro knew me since i was born - hes older - so he always knew how i felt about babies.
     
  10. mook jong man

    mook jong man Senior Master

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    Here's my baby photo , my parents thought I was cute as a button.



    [​IMG]
     
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  11. granfire

    granfire Sr. Grandmaster

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    It has been festering for years?

    Then I am inclined to think that your 'actions' are just a welcome excuse.

    First of all, you are not alone, I have heard from many women who are just not into babies. Shocking, I know, but yes, it is not rare (nor a disease).
    All three of my husband's sisters go googoo over a baby and I am with you on the eating part.

    (and baby's first Christmas is frankly a bit overrated as well, even if they are close to one year in age. It becomes much more fun when you can get them cool toys - and they end up more amused with the box it came in)

    I think your brother needs to remove the hurtful comments from his FB (it seems that place is the bane of mankind...I only use it to play farmville, and have not done much of that since December)

    I am a bit unclear though, was your relationship with your brother good before he started dating his GF? I mean, I have seen how a spouse drove a wedge between her husband and his family, things went from bad to worse in a hurry.

    It seems it's much more than you not going gaga over baby.

    big hugs to you, family sucks some times.
     
  12. Empty Hands

    Empty Hands Senior Master

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    What granfire said. The kid is a good excuse. Since you say you never liked the girlfriend, I'm guessing that's it - she doesn't want you around, and pretending you are a danger to their kid sounds a lot better than "I just don't like her!".
     
  13. Jade Tigress

    Jade Tigress RAWR

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    A child is an extension of it's parents. To reject the baby feels like rejection to them. Not everyone is "into" babies. That's fine. You don't have to go gaga over them thinking they're the cutest things on earth. But I do think the physical withdrawal (pulling away) would be offensive to any parent from any person, and more so coming from a family member.

    Whether you "like" babies or not, I think it's better off handled a bit better. I'm not crazy over babies, I've raised my own, but other people's babies....not lovin em. So, I smile, say "aw, what a cute baby" and leave it at that. I don't ask to hold the baby, etc.

    Now, if I were to pull back with my friends baby, like "ewwww....get your baby away from me until that thing stops ******** it's diaper and I can play with it" I would fully expect a "**** you, get out of my house." or "**** you, we're leaving". And if someone did that to me when my children were infants, especially my own sister, I would feel the same way.

    I'm sorry Blade, I get the fact that you have a aversion to babies, it's not uncommon, not everyone loves them. But as an adult, and as a family member, I think you need to tone down your aversion. Letting them know you're uncomfortable around babies and not doting over the baby is reasonable.

    In your situation, the reaction stirred up a whole can of worms that, IMO, is just not worth it. Whether or not you like your brothers GF is also beside the point. Your brother loves her, and she obviously makes him happy. You don't have to like her or her baby, but out of love and respect for your brother, you should try to tolerate them. Not pretend to love them, just tolerate.

    I do believe your brother is wrong in not accepting your attempts at reconciliation. Especially since he's aware you are not a "baby person" and you told him it's not personal. Unfortunately, he is taking it personally. Would you be able to change your reaction if he did visit with baby? If so, he needs to let it go. If not, he may have a point in deciding not to visit with the baby in your presence. I also believe to indicate that you would hurt the child is wrong, sounds like he's lashing out trying to hurt you because he felt hurt.

    Now that I'm done rambling, family issues definitely suck. I hope you two can find a way to put your feelings of offense aside, be aware of each others sensitivities, and move forward.
     
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  14. Bruno@MT

    Bruno@MT Senior Master

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    +1.

    Anyone reacting like that would mean they leave my house there and then. Or if it happened if we were visiting someone else, it would be the sign to say 'honey, we're leaving now'.
    It is ok to not like kids. Really. But there is no need to rub it in and act revolted at the sight of them.

    My thoughts exactly.

    Well, it didn't help that she is demanding apologies. Imho, he would deserve an apology as well for acting the way she did. If you don't like kids that is fine. However the rejection of the kid is an automatic rejection of the parent. Words don't begin to describe how deep this feeling goes. Even if she doesn't feel it like that, she should trust us on this one.
     
  15. Bruno@MT

    Bruno@MT Senior Master

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    Also a minor addition to my previous post: if you act like you do now, when they;re this age, then it is unlikely that you'll see much of them when they get to the age group you think is fun. First of all the parents will not trust you with them after 3 years of you saying 'eehhhwww'. And second, the kids will have never known you other than the aunt who didn't like them and thought they were gross.
     
  16. CoryKS

    CoryKS Senior Master

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    This, so much.

    You're not a baby person, hell, I'm not a people person. The worst thing I can think of is for someone I don't know to put their hands on me. How do I handle it? I cringe inside, smile on the outside, and I handle it like a ****ing grown-up. Jeezus, I'm offended for your brother and I've never even met him.
     
  17. Flea

    Flea Beating you all over those fries!

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    My sympathies. Family drama can suck like no other drama.

    I think it is important to keep a poker face as much as realistically possible though in order to keep the peace. It's a matter of striking a balance of being true to yourself and your own needs while being part of the family community. That said, I disagree with Billichak's suggestion about time apart. If you can limit that time it can be a great thing. But for really big rifts the silence can go on and on, and get deeper entrenched, until it becomes an estrangement. Estrangements are virtually impossible to come back from. They can also have a ripple effect on those around you if people decide to take sides ... If you think you can limit that time apart, and you think he can, then by all means give it a try. But it is definitely taking a risk.

    There's also the question of your niece's well-being to consider. If she's old enough to be ambulatory she's probably old enough to pick up on that flinch and the rejection behind it. Which is not good for her mental health.

    From your brothers' side I wonder if the baby issue represents something in his mind that's way bigger than just the baby herself. We all have really deep emotional nerves that feed directly to the soul, and we usually don't even consciously realize them. This may be one of those nerves for him and it might not be connected with the baby at all. Who knows.

    Just a few thoughts in no particular order. ;-) Whatever you decide to do I wish you and your family the very best.

    Incidentally, I totally understand not being a kid person for all the reasons you stated and more. My threshold is the age of 10 or so.
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2011
  18. Flea

    Flea Beating you all over those fries!

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    .
     
  19. LuckyKBoxer

    LuckyKBoxer Master Black Belt

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    Ya I have to agree with Jade Tigress on this one.
    I have noticed a trend in your posts Blade, you seem to constantly be blaming other people for your problems and actions. This is the second post you made that just comes across as you blaiming everyone but yourself for a problem that seems obvious to me from your post that you created.
    to pull back from a family member in a manner you described seems really odd to me, and I would not have you in my kids presence again either. A parents job is to protect their children, not give their sisters second chances to create a possible problem with their kids.
    your an adult, i assume but you come across as very juvenile...it seems you live at home with your parents and they take care of you?, your brother is an adult.. he has a kid to protect and raise, if you dont like kids then say goodbye to your brother, because I dont know any parent that is going to chose their sister over their own son or daughter.
    It sounds to me that you act very childish and expect everyone to cater to you.
    I think you will find much less drama in your life if you accept your actions as your own, and deal with them as such. I know it sounds harsh, but it really comes across that way to me reading your posts about your problems..
    anyways, I hope you can resolve your problems, move past them, and not have to relive them again.
    good luck
     
  20. Steve

    Steve Mostly Harmless

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    I have no idea what's happening objectively in your life, Blade. I'd be very curious to hear your brother's side.

    Sounds to me like you have a choice to make. Do you want to be a part of your brother's life? If so, remember, he chose his wife. He didn't choose you. In any conflict, ultimately he has to sleep with her. Not you. If you want to be a part of his life, you're probably going to need to make amends.

    Regarding the baby, as a father, I can tell you that if you were my sister and didn't like my baby, I wouldn't invite you over very often. Not out of malice, but just because I don't need the stress and drama, and neither does my family. But you can still send small gifts at appropriate times. The baby's very young now, but a $25 gift card for Target or Gymboree is always welcome. I'm not saying you should bribe them. I'm saying that when you give them gifts, remember the baby. She's part of their family (and yours). It will show you care.123
     

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