You need to relax and enjoy the ride. You have a long journey ahead of you, and I personally think you're over-training. I would recommend that you reduce your training time to 3 times a week for 2 hours, and maybe pop in for an open mat on the weekends when you're just starting out. Going balls to the wall as a newbie is a sure-fire way to burn yourself out. Also Tony is 100% correct, rolling is not a competition. You're not there to win, you're there to LEARN. Experiment, take risks, and have fun. I'm not going to lie, when I was a white belt I hated being tapped too, but you need to learn how to lose so that you will lose your ego.