The Money Question

[granfire]

no, not political, no commies here...

Most of my online buddies are women with a serious horse habit.
From time to time there is the inadvertable blow-up: Husband is upset about the horses.

Horses are a very expensive hobby, no doubt, but by all accounts these ladies say they have the bases covered, work their butts off for 'their' money for their hobby.

Naturally this goes deeper than money, it's just a vehicle. However, since the population 'there' is around 90% or more female, it always seems that it's just a a problem the girls run into: The men in their lives resenting the money they spend, regardless of source.

let's but this up front: who ever controls the money has the upper hand, no doubt.

I mean, I ran into this a few times when my monthly spending was questioned (which was btw below 100$ in personal expenses) while I don't in general question anything the husband buys. (well, not in those terms, I roll my eyes considering that I will have to climb over yet another useless item...)

So, after all this intro finally the question:
Do you guys run into that as well, the quarterly blow up about the money you spend on your hobby?
Or do you question your wife's spending habits?

 

[Steve]

While it was never a big deal, we went to an allowance system about 10 years ago. We share three seperate accounts. A household account, and then our personal accounts. I set up allotments on my paycheck so that everyone gets their allowance automatically. The rule is, she can do whatever the hell she wants with her allowance. If she wants to get a massage, by clothes, or blow it all in a Godiva chocolate binge, she can knock herself out.

Conversely, I can buy a new gi, a video game or whatever I want with mine.

Works great, and also keeps us from overspending, as I can see exactly how much I have to blow.

 

[CoryKS]

I guess it depends on whether these women who are working their butts off for 'their' money also consider the husband's paycheck 'his' money or 'our' money. Hopefully they discussed and agreed upon their finances prior to marriage, because it's one of the major causes of divorce.

 

[Empty Hands]

Everything is shared, and who makes more has shifted back and forth as we've each advanced in our careers. We're pretty much agreed on frugality and what we can spend money on. I raise my eyebrow at the occasional shopping trip, but it's never that bad. I would say we would check with each other before major purchases, but we only ever make major purchases together. Really, it isn't an issue.

But, horse people man... My grandpa and my mother-in-law were both major horse people, with at least 2-3 horses at all times. No, they weren't well off either, they were actually pretty poor. That goes beyond "hobby" IMO, it's a major impact on your life. Horse people always seem to think that their animals are an "investment" or a "business", but all the people I've seen with horses spend a lot more on them than they make.

 

[granfire]

You have the horse folks pegged well there...they also call it horse poor for a reason.

But I have to agree that the money issue has to be agreed upon.
(but it's also seldom the money itself that is the root of the disagreement)

There is the correlation of money spend vs pleasure gained. It's not like guys don't have those expensive types of hobby (heck, Martial arts can be consuming, if you do compete and advance up the ranks, it can add up)

Sometimes it's just the attention spend elsewhere, which is a huge factor.

Like I am saying, the demographic 'over there' is skewed, so I am kind of curious if the women in your lives get upset about the spending habits at times.

 

[LuckyKBoxer]

like anything else in marriage this is something that needs to be discussed and agreed upon...
hopefully before a couple get married on how they will deal this type of thing.
the problems always seem to occur when peopel make assumptions about these types of things.... one person assumes its okey to do something, the other person assumes its ok to another thing.... then justifications.... one justifies spending money because the other one did..... and then the other one justifies spending money because the first one did...
they something gets neglected and the blame game starts... and bitterness... no thank you.

my wife and I agreed long before we got married that relatively small everyday things, and small item purchases under $200 are fine for each of us to make on a whim, or on our own. but anything bigger then that we need to discuss and our rule is if we both dont agree then we dont make the changes. It has worked out good for us in the 15 years we have been together, and has saved both of us from making some unnecessary purchases, and while occasionally one of us gets a tad butthurt over not getting some new thing... it has made us much happier over the long run not having to deal with the nonsense that we have seen come with other people having money issues like that.

 

[granfire]

like anything else in marriage this is something that needs to be discussed and agreed upon...
hopefully before a couple get married on how they will deal this type of thing.
the problems always seem to occur when peopel make assumptions about these types of things.... one person assumes its okey to do something, the other person assumes its ok to another thing.... then justifications.... one justifies spending money because the other one did..... and then the other one justifies spending money because the first one did...
they something gets neglected and the blame game starts... and bitterness... no thank you.

my wife and I agreed long before we got married that relatively small everyday things, and small item purchases under $200 are fine for each of us to make on a whim, or on our own. but anything bigger then that we need to discuss and our rule is if we both dont agree then we dont make the changes. It has worked out good for us in the 15 years we have been together, and has saved both of us from making some unnecessary purchases, and while occasionally one of us gets a tad butthurt over not getting some new thing... it has made us much happier over the long run not having to deal with the nonsense that we have seen come with other people having money issues like that.

That sounds great.

But lets say it's a (relatively) staple expense that existed before you met. It is part of what makes you you and happy. Like the monthly training fee and the expenses to go to a competition or a seminar.
Then one day you get the purchase of the new Gi held against you. 'If you would not train we could save all that money'

I know wives to resent some of the stuff their men do. like I said, I am usually getting the female perspective, and some of the solutions are not quiet nice.

I am thinking (I guess) MA can be as time consuming as having a large animal...

And just to make it clear, I am not talking about using the rent money to spend on a hobby (though I know that can happen) or putting retirement in jeopardy. Play money, basically...

 

[LuckyKBoxer]

That sounds great.

But lets say it's a (relatively) staple expense that existed before you met. It is part of what makes you you and happy. Like the monthly training fee and the expenses to go to a competition or a seminar.
Then one day you get the purchase of the new Gi held against you. 'If you would not train we could save all that money'

I know wives to resent some of the stuff their men do. like I said, I am usually getting the female perspective, and some of the solutions are not quiet nice.

I am thinking (I guess) MA can be as time consuming as having a large animal...

And just to make it clear, I am not talking about using the rent money to spend on a hobby (though I know that can happen) or putting retirement in jeopardy. Play money, basically...

my experience with friends who have these issues is it has little to do with the purchase of the Gi in the example you gave... that is being used as an excuse for another problem the for whatever reason is hard for them to communicate with directly... either they cant verbalize it, or dont want to verbalize it for some reason.
people do not communicate well, my guess would be that the comment "if you would not train we could save all that money" is being said for another reason.... if you have been training since before you met your respective spouse and the costs are known then it really isnt the problem...unless of course your financial situation has drastically changed?? or maybe the other person is making plans in their head for a vacation, or is worried about the economy, or is having a problem about something else...
my suggestion would be to dig in, and have that uncomfortable conversation about what really is the problem.. my guess is once you sit down and force the discussion that something else will come out that you can address, deal with and then both move on with some relief having dealt with.

also any hobby including Martial Arts can be more then a full time job.... in my case its a full time job, a hobby, a passion, a lifestyle, and entertainment.. from books, clothing, training items, and memorabilia, to vacations, to work, seminars, etc.etc. I look at my calendar of possible events to participate in and usually I have multiple events on every weekend of the year on the calendar... I pick and choose what to do after I have chosen what to do with my family, what to do with my friends, and then what fits in with the remaining time gets chosen on what i am most interested in or what is going to be the most rewarding for me at the time.

 

[Ken Morgan]

Someone mentioned it already, you need to have it all worked out before hand.

My family ran race horses for years, very expensive hobby/gamble. $2000 - $3000 a month per horse was not uncommon. You can not have an emotional attachment here, its a business.

Is their hobby jumping? racing? riding for pleasure? There are set monthly expenses, plus major bills a couple of times a year. Its not like going out and buying a new sword for $800, or a gi for $100, these items last forever if cared for, they don't cost you anything on a monthly basis, or just up and die on you.

As long as the bills are being meet equally, nothing is neglected, money is being stashed for retirement, whatever, enjoy.

 

[Steve]

my experience with friends who have these issues is it has little to do with the purchase of the Gi in the example you gave... that is being used as an excuse for another problem the for whatever reason is hard for them to communicate with directly... either they cant verbalize it, or dont want to verbalize it for some reason.

YES!!! The tension over the purchase of the gi, or even more, over the tuition for classes, often stems from somewhere else.

 

[Bruno@MT]

We have each our separate accounts, and one joint checking account and savings account.
At the start of each month, we put a specific amount in the joint account. That is enough to cover the rest of the household budget for that month. I put a specific amount in the savings account every month too.

What's left in our personal accounts gets used for clothing, shoes, etc... things that can wait if necessary. We can also spend it on stuff for our own, though we have a 50euro limit. Above that, we ask each other. This structure works for us. Of course we don't check up on each other. It's a matter of trust. My wife never ever disagrees about the price of my tools. If I say I need it, I need it. The house won't renovate itself. And my wife and I both share a passion for Malt Whisky. So we do spend some money on that without argument.

My MA hobby does not cost much (couple hundred per year).
My other main hobby is restoring antique straight razors and making new razors. This costs money, but on that hobby I only spend money which I made by selling a new or restored razor. I do everything by hand and I don't make a lot, but then again I don't spend a lot, and most money goes to materials for the next project. Financially, it is a zero-sum operation so my wife again never says anything about it because she knows this.

My wife and I are on the same line and agreed on a system that works for us. We are pretty frugal as well and don't spend more than 90% of what we earn, on average. We tailored our lifestyle, mortgage etc to our income. We're not rich, but we have no money problems either. So all in all, finances are not a point of argument for us.