A small town in Texas...and other fun stuff.

hardheadjarhead

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This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes
as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she
regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right
in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and
starts screwing it. She screams and drives into town to find
the local law.

She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town
bar. "It figures," she says as she storms inside. The first
thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard
sitting in the corner pleasuring himself. She runs up to the sheriff
who's sitting at the bar with his drink.

"What kind of sick town are you running here? I drive into town
and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal... and
then... I come in here.... and see this old man in the corner
abusing himself in public!"

"Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect
him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?"

-------------------

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students
that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about
Jesus by the next Sunday.

The following week she asked each child in turn what they
had learned.

Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't
know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that,
Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down
the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of
us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you
learn how to drive?'"

----------------------------

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."

The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch."

The Swede says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit."

The Japanese says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake."

The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

----------------------

+----------------- Bizarre Toilet Facts -------------------+

Sir John Harington invented the toilet for Queen Elizabeth I
after she banned him from her court for circulating smutty
stories. So she allowed him to return.

The most impossible item to flush is a ping-pong ball.

The idea of separate cubicles for toilets is a relatively
modern invention; the Romans, for example, sat down together
in large groups.

In Victorian times, toilet seats were always made of wood:
the well-to-do sat on mahogany or walnut, while the poor put
up with untreated white pine.

"Psycho" was the first Hollywood film that showed a toilet
flushing - thereby generating many complaints.

The town council of Cheltenham Spa once voted to replace the
words Men and Women on their public toilets with Ladies and
Gentlemen in order to "attract a better class of person."

An American jeweler has built the world's most expensive
toilet, made of gold, diamonds, rubies and emeralds, with a
mink seat - it costs $175,000.

Before the invention of toilet paper, people used shells or
stones, bunches of herbs, or, at best, a bit of sponge
attached to a stick, which they rinsed with cold water.

[From "That Book of Perfectly Useless Information"]

----------------


CLOVIS, N.M. - A student at Marshall Junior High caused a
school lockdown because he was spotted carrying an object
wrapped in foil. Armed officers were placed on rooftops and
nearby streets were closed until the brilliant officers
determined what was inside the foil. The security alert was
lifted and red faces were present after the object was
indentified as a 30-inch burrito, stuffed with steak, guaca-
mole, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos. Eighth-grader Michael
Morrissey had created the giant burrito for a school
marketing assignment. He says his classmates have given him
the nickname "burrito boy."

----------

WOONSOCKET, R.I. - According to police, Wayne Glaude
attempted to solicit sex from an undercover officer, but
instead of paying in cash he offered a steak. The 22-year-
old is employed by a meat company and told the incognito
officer that he had a couple of T-bones sitting at his home
in exchange for sexual relations. Glaude was arrested, but
pleaded innocent to the charge of solicitation from a motor
vehicle. He was released from custody on personal
recognizance.

---------------

FARGO, North Dakota - When making an early morning pizza
delivery, Atif Yasin was quite annoyed when the customer
offered him some pot for the pizza instead of cash. The
customer offer Yasin marijuana when no cash could be found.
After refusing the offer, the customer got mad and delivered
a smack to the delivery guy. Afterward, Yasin contacted the
police who arrested the man on suspicion of robbery. He
told authorities that he was drunk during the incident.

-----------------

NORWAY - Here's a new one... a 23-year-old woman has been
convicted of rape for performing oral sex on a 31-year-old
man while he was sleeping. A Bergen court sentenced her to
nine months in prison and ordered her to pay NOK 40,000 (USD
6,385) to the man. It seems that last year, the man fell
asleep on a sofa and woke up to find a woman giving him oral
sex. Anyway, the woman finally admitted to the sexual contact but claimed
that the man was willing and smiling. This is the first case
of a Norwegian woman being charged with raping a man.

------

SYDNEY, Australia - The Palacom company has been approved to
create a cemetery where the deceased will be buried upright.
According to Palacom director Tony Dupleix, the change to
vertical burials will have minimal environment impact and
save substantial space. Dupleix also stated that clients
will return to the earth with no fuss. A costly casket will
no longer be necessary for burials, body bags will be used
to house the dearly departed.
 

MA-Caver

Sr. Grandmaster
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dubljay said:
I wanna know who sat there flushing stuff to prove this...
Somebody with TOO much time on their hands and TOO little imagination to do it with.
 

bignick

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FARGO, North Dakota - When making an early morning pizza
delivery, Atif Yasin was quite annoyed when the customer
offered him some pot for the pizza instead of cash. The
customer offer Yasin marijuana when no cash could be found.
After refusing the offer, the customer got mad and delivered
a smack to the delivery guy. Afterward, Yasin contacted the
police who arrested the man on suspicion of robbery. He
told authorities that he was drunk during the incident.

Ah...there's no place like home...
 

OUMoose

Trying to find my place
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dubljay said:
I wanna know who sat there flushing stuff to prove this...
My guess would be some sort of government-funded experimentation, right next to the "cows damage the ozone layer by belching methane" people. :)
 

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