This really creeps me out!

Discussion in 'General Martial Arts Talk' started by chinto01, May 28, 2008.

  1. chinto01

    chinto01 Black Belt

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    Hello all. Wanted to see if this would creep you out the way it is creeping me out. At the dojo I work out at there is a 20 something black belt. He is o.k. never did anything to me so I have nothing against him except the following. He and this 14 y.o. female black belt are constantly flirting back and forth. I am not talking about batting of eyelashes or occasional glances here and there. I am talking about constant touching each other back and forth (a little "love" tap here a little touch to the shoulder there. It really makes me sick to see this. I have tried telling him that it may be a little inappropriate but he just blows me off and has continued to do it. What would you do in this situation ?I have kind of reserved to just let the cards fall where they may and when the junk really hits the fan tell him I told you so. Problem is it is not just me noticing it but the rest of the people in the dojo are beginning to notice.

    In the spirit of bushido!

    Rob
     
  2. Jai

    Jai Black Belt

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    Thre is one big problem. Her age. She is a minor and he is an adult. That kind of behaviour should not be allowed inside the dojo period, but more so because of the age. Something should be done to put an end to it before it goes totally out of control. How long until younger students start giving "love taps" to one another because they see the blackbelts doing it? Both of them should know better.
     
  3. theletch1

    theletch1 Grandmaster

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    I think, in general, the response you're most likely to get here is to talk to your head instructor about it. If you aren't the only one noticing it then the actions are probably pretty overt and have been noticed by the head instructor already. Knowing that the rest of the student body has noticed as well may prompt the head instructor into action. As Jai said, the dojo is not a place for that type of flirting but the fact that she is 14 makes the situation (potentially) much worse than flirting.
     
  4. 14 Kempo

    14 Kempo Grandmaster

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    In taking a corporate type point of view on this, if you are aware of inproprieties and do not report it, you are as much at fault as they are. I'm not sure where you are, but this in inappropriate behavior whether or not it is in the school and should be dealt with immediately. If they are doing this in the public's eye, what might happen in a more private atmosphere.

    As stated before, take it to the head instructor. Deal with it immediately. Just my two cents.
     
  5. morph4me

    morph4me Goin' with the flow

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    Silence is the voice of complicity. Report it.
     
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  6. SenseiBear

    SenseiBear Blue Belt

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    ewww. not OK.
     
  7. FieldDiscipline

    FieldDiscipline 2nd Black Belt

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    Agree with everyone else. If you are sure, and its innappropriate, tell your chief instructor.

    Edited to add: 14 and an adult = innappropriate.
     
  8. shesulsa

    shesulsa Columbia Martial Arts Academy

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    Speak to your instructor about it now.
     
  9. kidswarrior

    kidswarrior Senior Master

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    I'll just jump on this bandwagon. This is a powder keg waiting for a match, and I can imagine a scenario where this could get the whole dojo closely scrutinized/investigated/closed by the authorities.

    I'm a teacher by profession, so have seen/heard some amazing/awful stuff along these lines. I can easily envision this going from inappropriate to illegal in a nano-second--maybe already has. Don't want to sound alarmist, but at best there's always a news hound looking for the next juicy headline, and this would make a pretty good start.
     
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  10. 7starmarc

    7starmarc Green Belt

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    Yes, I'd say this definitely registers pretty high on the creepy factor as well as the potentially dangerous/illegal factor.

    Talking to the instructor/chief instructor about this is definitely called for.

    This is as much an important lesson for self defense as anything taught in the dojo.

    The guy needs to learn how to make better choices to avoid legal and social consequences.

    The girl needs to learn to act her age, and that responding to such attention from older guys can lead to some dangerous territory. She probably doesn't realize that most 20-something guys have different experiences and expectations with regards to a relationship, and that she could get in over her head very quickly. By responding to his advances, she is setting herself up for potential injury (either emotional, physical, or both). She needs to learn appropriate boundaries and how to set them.

    Depending on your relationship with these two individuals, you might be able to speak to them, as well.
     
  11. Xue Sheng

    Xue Sheng All weight is underside

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    I agree with what has been posted by others here... report it.

    This type of thing closed a TKD school in my area and cast a shadow on and seriously hurt the business of another TKD school that was not associated but had a similar name.
     
  12. JBrainard

    JBrainard Senior Master

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    I agree with everyone above. I would also say that the twenty something student should be expelled ASAP. His behavior is disruptive and disrespectful to both the girl and the school.
     
  13. kidswarrior

    kidswarrior Senior Master

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    I forgot to add, in my experience 14 year old girls are not especially known for their emotional stability and long-term commitment to principle. What if she decides one day that this is suddenly no fun anymore? The guy, as an adult, might have a long, tough road ahead, and those around/above him could get splattered by the mud. Have seen it happen more than once.
     
  14. Sukerkin

    Sukerkin Have the courage to speak softly

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    I concur with all that above, especially from those in positions to speak with authority on the topic.

    One thought tho'.

    How well do these two know each other outside of the dojo? What social links do theyhave? I only ask because, having two much younger sisters, I was the target of quite a bit of teenage-girl flirting-practice from their friends during their school years.

    I know that these days the world is a Lawyer-bomb waiting to happen but the reality is that girls still learn their 'relationship skills' by trial and error I would guess. An older chap is a 'safe' target, particularly if known via a sibling link, for the very fact that he will not either crush them flat or take them up on their fake advances.

    If the chap in question is responding in kind and doing so seriously then all that thas been said in previous posts is very relevant.
     
  15. elder999

    elder999 El Oso de Dios!

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    It also occurred to me. They may even be cousins,or some other sort of relative, and doing this sort of thing for years-otherwise, I can't help but agree with almost everyone here.
     
  16. kidswarrior

    kidswarrior Senior Master

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    That's an excellent point, and one I'd missed. :asian:
     
  17. arnisador

    arnisador Sr. Grandmaster

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    At the least it must be distracting and unsettling; it may lead to worse. Mentioning it to an instructor is a good idea.
     
  18. Deaf Smith

    Deaf Smith Master of Arts

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    Chinto,

    What does the teacher say? Were is he (or she?) That is the one who should be cracking down on this.

    Were I live, using the DPS database on those convicted of sexual crimes, you have alot of young men who simply messed around with 15-16 year old girls and ended up being labeled a sexual preditor and have to register for life as being one.

    No they weren't pedophiles, and I understand 18 year old boys having the move put on them by underage girls (it happens all the time.) But, they need to be warned before they ruin their lives.

    I'd discuss this with the teacher and let him have a talk with the young black belt.

    Deaf
     
  19. Twin Fist

    Twin Fist Grandmaster

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    This doesnt bother that much. Younger girls flirt with older guys

    it's what they do

    Assuming his isnt doing anything other than giving her a smack on the head in the school.

    that being said....

    Still mention it to the head instructor, so HE/SHE can make sure that nothing else happens. But what you have seen happen is un-professional for sure, but not really creepy. And not illegal, as far as you know.

    it is just flirting people
     
  20. shesulsa

    shesulsa Columbia Martial Arts Academy

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    Perhaps, but in the real world, we have something called liability and responsibility for minors.

    1. If instructors allow inappropriate contact to continue in this vein they could be deemed liable for neglect given the situation is so obviously inappropriate.

    2. If I were that girl's mother I'd be grounding her from class and in that instructor's office so fast it would make his head swim. A teacher who allows inappropriate flirting in his/her school is out of touch, irresponsible and shouldn't be in charge of minors.

    3. The OP is clearly uncomfortable with the situation to the point of it being distracting and has a right to bring it up.

    The attitude of "harmless flirting" - even when it IS - is legally dangerous.123
     
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