"I'm not worthy" or "I deserve it?"

[IcemanSK]

In my time in TKD, I've often had the conversation with people about ready to test (usually for black belt). Often times, their feelings are one or the other. (Either "A" 'I'm not worthy of such a rank" or "B" 'I deserve this belt after all the hard work I've put it.") TKD certainly doesn't have a lock on this mindset: I'm sure it's a natural part of MA training.

Did you have one or both of these mindsets when you were at any testing point? If you are an instructor, what have you said to students when they've expressed either A or B before their test?

 

[Blindside]

I've pretty much always felt that "I deserved" the rank I was testing for, lord knows I worked hard enough for them. I'm sure that some people will say that this is not appropriately humble or somesuch. My instructor regularly says "I've never given you anything, you have earned it."

I've met a couple of people who fell into the "we're not worthy" camp, often these folks are comparing themselves against one of the "naturals" and feel like they can't be as good because it takes them twice as long to learn and they still aren't as graceful/good fighter/whatever. At which point you can fall back and say "Do you trust me? I've never given you anything, you have earned it."

Wait a minute, why does that sound familiar?

Lamont

 

[Bret Hinds]

sometimes I feel like when I am to test, that I have not mastered the skills needed to test. I have put forth my best and will get to the point that I will feel ready. But to feel cocky that I deserve to test just because I think I am ready, no way! Do I think I know better than my kwanjang nim, no way!!! All the best in the arts

 

[tellner]

The key, as near as I can tell, is not to take the belts seriously enough for the question to even arise. Try to be better tomorrow than you were yesterday and let the external symbols take care of themselves.

 

[Adept]

The key, as near as I can tell, is not to take the belts seriously enough for the question to even arise. Try to be better tomorrow than you were yesterday and let the external symbols take care of themselves.

True dat.

 

[MBuzzy]

Personally, I've never felt worthy of any rank I have attained....but I also trust the judgement of my Sa Bom Nim....So that helps.

 

[Jonathan Randall]

I've pretty much always felt that "I deserved" the rank I was testing for, lord knows I worked hard enough for them. I'm sure that some people will say that this is not appropriately humble or somesuch. My instructor regularly says "I've never given you anything, you have earned it."

I've met a couple of people who fell into the "we're not worthy" camp, often these folks are comparing themselves against one of the "naturals" and feel like they can't be as good because it takes them twice as long to learn and they still aren't as graceful/good fighter/whatever. At which point you can fall back and say "Do you trust me? I've never given you anything, you have earned it."

Wait a minute, why does that sound familiar?

Lamont

I think the problem is not with folks who've worked hard and have earned (deserved) the promotions they've received, rather it is with those folks who feel "entitled" to a promotion - whether truly deserved or not.

 

[Shaderon]

I have only been through two gradings, and my third is very soon, but always before I feel that I have worked hard enough but I don't "deserve" the rank, I still have to earn it. To me working hard before the test is earning the right to test, the test is earning the rank.

It's all very well saying that if you fall apart on the day of the test and don't pass that you know your stuff and deserve it anyway, but to me that's not the case, it's all about pulling it out of the bag on the day, in a fight to the death your assailant doesn't say "well you are really good but I can see it was nerves on the day so I'll leave you alone".

The added pressure of the day and whether you stand up to it or not says whether you deserve the rank to me.

 

[terryl965]

I have always said the belt you are testing for mean little if your training stops today, I mean what good is a belt if you stop and never train again.

Do I feel worthy of my rank not at all for that rank is a symbol of time and effort and without keeping time and effort the rank skill will be worthless.

I trust that my GM gave me the rank for my mental aspect as much as the physical aspect. People sometime but to much into a belt and not enough time into there spirit.

 

[exile]

I have only been through two gradings, and my third is very soon, but always before I feel that I have worked hard enough but I don't "deserve" the rank, I still have to earn it. To me working hard before the test is earning the right to test, the test is earning the rank.

It's all very well saying that if you fall apart on the day of the test and don't pass that you know your stuff and deserve it anyway, but to me that's not the case, it's all about pulling it out of the bag on the day, in a fight to the death your assailant doesn't say "well you are really good but I can see it was nerves on the day so I'll leave you alone".

The added pressure of the day and whether you stand up to it or not says whether you deserve the rank to me.

This is pretty much how I myself feel about the testing issue—part of being worthy is being able to show that you're worthy. It's like honesty in public service: it's not enough to be honest, it's critical that you are known to be honest.

As far as the question of worthiness goes... I guess what I feel is, I don't completely know just what my instructor is judging me on when he watches my techs, my forms, my breaks. That's why he's the sahbumnim and I'm the student. He has a kind of global view of what's important that's based on his twenty years and five dan stripes in the art; I'm still learning just what's involved in even apparently simple techs. So I don't ever feel `worthy', not because I think I'm unworthy but because I'm not sure that I really know what worthiness consists of in terms of technical peformance yet. But I don't think I'm unworthy either—for exactly the same reason! I figure, by the time I'm ready to test for dan status somewhere in the next year and a half, I'll probably have a better idea of what, at a fine-grained level, an instructor thinks is necessary and sufficient for a worthy performance. But at this point, I'm still not in a position to say just what worthiness consists of. That's just a fact, which doesn't bother me at all; it's actually good, because it means I don't have to worry about the issue, on top of all my other anxieties in preparing for a test!

 

[rmclain]

I always approach it as "I hope I am worthy of this rank and will keep striving to perfect my training to exceed it."

I remember when I was awarded 1st Dan. I was driving home from the exam and instead of being happy about my achivement, I kept having the feeling and thought, "I don't know anything." Anyone that has seen our curriculum knows we have many requirements, but my thoughts went beyond that list. My feelings were about how much I knew in relation to how much more I could know about those 1st Dan requirements, the future requirements, and the world of martial arts knowledge I'll never get to experience because of my lifespan.

This really lit a fire under my behind to put in more serious study and training to find as much as I could from the training. This really opened up a new world of knowledge to me. I always try to keep that same thought (I don't know anything) in mind when I am a student.

R. McLain

 

[Kacey]

Personally, I've never felt worthy of any rank I have attained....but I also trust the judgement of my Sa Bom Nim....So that helps.

I test when my sahbum tells me to. When he tells me I am ready, then in his judgement, I am ready, and I test; before that, it's not even a question.

 

[The Kidd]

I always approach it as "I hope I am worthy of this rank and will keep striving to perfect my training to exceed it."

I remember when I was awarded 1st Dan. I was driving home from the exam and instead of being happy about my achivement, I kept having the feeling and thought, "I don't know anything." Anyone that has seen our curriculum knows we have many requirements, but my thoughts went beyond that list. My feelings were about how much I knew in relation to how much more I could know about those 1st Dan requirements, the future requirements, and the world of martial arts knowledge I'll never get to experience because of my lifespan.

This really lit a fire under my behind to put in more serious study and training to find as much as I could from the training. This really opened up a new world of knowledge to me. I always try to keep that same thought (I don't know anything) in mind when I am a student.

R. McLain

I could not say it better myself, I had the same feelings. It is wierd how a cloth belt weighing a few ounces feels like it weighs a ton at times.

 

[Shaderon]

I could not say it better myself, I had the same feelings. It is wierd how a cloth belt weighing a few ounces feels like it weighs a ton at times.

That's how I see it, as those belts get darker and darker, they get heavier and heavier with responsibiilty, even at low ranks the responsibility is there to show others that you deserve the rank you have. You have to prove you are worthy every time you train. I wouldn't have the inclination to even think I deserved any belt unless I've earned it and am proving it every time I wear it. I even feel this way about my training suit (complete with club logo) which I bought, and to me earned as my instructor told me it was time to buy it.

 

[jfarnsworth]

My first instructor always had this mindset. "Don't ask me to test, I will tell you when you are ready to test". It means a little more when your instructor comes to you about the belt promotion.

 

[tshadowchaser]

Speaking both from a old TKD standpoint and as an outsider these days.

When I was in TKD i knew what was required and what I knew for each test. I never said I was ready but then we tested on a regular bi monthly bases.
After I left TKD i studied with varrious styles/systems and I have thought a few times "why am I not being tested I know all I need for the test" I have also been tested and said on more than one occasion " I do not deserve this rank yet"
Now the times I thought I was ready I later realised that the instructor held back the testing because I was getting an attitude of knowing more than I did and he/they kept me at the rank I was till I started trying harder and really learning and helping others more.
The times I thought I was not ready I was usualy told that I would wear the belt/rank and shut up. That I would learn more and prove to the instructor that he/they where correct in their estimate of me and I would "grow" into the rank

 

[jim777]

I look at it this way, It's an honor to test, and it is an honor to pass, just as it is a dishonor to yourself and your school to not be ready for the test. I'm not talking about stressing something and doing a left something or other when a right something or other was requested, I mean not knowing the hyung, or not being able to keep your balance or something.
My school often changes the requirements of the test at the beginning of the test; such as doubling or tripling the number of pushups or situps (usually both) that you do to start the test. If you are ready for just what it says on the "what you need to know for your next test" sheets, well, you are not passing, simple as that. In February my daughters tested for 9th kup, and they were told to do 70 pushups to start the test, instead of the 20 that were on their "what you need for your first test" sheets. I can't tell you how proud I was to see my girls pull those extra pushups out of the air! Not bad for 7 and 8 year olds, and it showed that they were ready to test. I think it helped that I was there with them, also struggling to do way more than I thought I'd need :lol:
The tests don't come up at regular intervals, and you absolutely cannot ask to be tested; it is invitation only. When you get that next rank, it is both an honor to have and an honor to live up to. And not just for black belts either. You need to be ready mentally and physically to wear it when you test for it.

 

[cali_tkdbruin]

The tests don't come up at regular intervals, and you absolutely cannot ask to be tested; it is invitation only. When you get that next rank, it is both an honor to have and an honor to live up to. And not just for black belts either. You need to be ready mentally and physically to wear it when you test for it.

Excellent point, from what I have observed this is especially true when you reach the DAN levels. In my own experience learning this MA discipline and attempting to promote up the ranks, I've found that the best thing you can do is train so hard, and so often that you are completely prepared to the maximum. The result is that you can perform and do, automatically without thinking twice, whatever is asked of you at your promotion test. That's important, if you're ready and fully prepared, you just do it, no hesitation.

 

[Sukerkin]

When it comes to gradings, I've always been of the mindet that if I've been asked then those that are teaching me think I am ready. I haven't always agreed with them but they've been proved right on the day.

So,thoughts of 'deserving' or 'worthiness' are almost not relevant.

I can say that when I got my shodan in iai, I did have a moment of "Eck!" as I knew that much more would be expected of me from that point on (especially as it turned out that part of my assessment was to unexpectedly be asked to train some early kyu grades!).

I do think that it is an essential element in all learning, not just martial arts, to have a little voice in the back of your mind that tells you that you don't know enough or aren't as good as you could be. That's not feeling unworthy of your rank tho', just responding to what is expected of you.

It's important not to let that get out of control tho'. For example, I've been very critical of my iai since I 'graded up', reckoning that I'm slipping rather than improving. My fellows have taken pity on me and informed me that in fact I'm just judging myself by a far stricter yardstick then is merited for my 'rank' i.e. my self-critical voice is being too sharp.

As Mr Miagi would say, the key is balance !

 

[The Kidd]

I felt I was ready but after I had achieved it I felt a tremendous responsibility and unworthy at times.