A selection of jokes.

[Raewyn]

[font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Understanding a Woman[/font]

​

[font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]We need [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] I want
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]You want [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] You need
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]It's your decision [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] The correct decision should be obvious by now.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]We need to talk [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] I need to complain
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Do what you want [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] You'll pay for this later.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]You're ... so manly [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Sure... go ahead [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] I don't want you to.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]I'm not upset [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] Of course I'm upset, you moron!
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]You're certainly attentive tonight. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] Is sex all you ever think about?
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] I'm on my period.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Be romantic, turn out the lights. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] I'm Embarrassed
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]This kitchen is so inconvenient [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] I want a new house.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]You have to learn to communicate. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] Just agree with me.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Yes [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] No
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]No [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] No
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Maybe [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] No
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]I heard a noise [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] I noticed you were almost asleep.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Do you love me? [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] I'm going to ask for something expensive.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]How much do you love me? [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] I did something you're not going to like.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]I'll be ready in a minute. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] REALLY MEANS [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] Be patient I'll be a while.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Am I a little fat? [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] Tell me I'm beautiful.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]I'm sorry. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] You'll be sorry.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Do you like this recipe? [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] It's easy to fix, so get used to it.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Was that the baby? [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]I'm not yelling! [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
[/font]

[font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]All we're going to buy is a soap dish [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?
[/font]
​

 

[shesulsa]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike in English, nouns are designed as either masculine or feminine.

'house' for instance is feminine; "la casa"
'pencil' however is masculine; "el lapiz"

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class up into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Each group was asked to provide four reasons for its recommendation.

The males thought the computer should be feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate to other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make yourself a commitment to one, you wind up spending half your paycheck on accessories for the darn thing.

** wait - it gets better **

The females, however, decided that the spanish noun for computer should definitely be masculine.

1. In order to do anything with them you have to turn them on first.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.


The women won. artyon:

 

[KenpoTex]

The women won

what the hell do you expect, the teacher was a woman.

 

[shesulsa]

what the hell do you expect, the teacher was a woman.

Aw, c'mon - you know very well that if the teacher had been a man, you would have said it was because he fell prey to their feminine wiles! :ultracool

 

[OUMoose]

Aw, c'mon - you know very well that if the teacher had been a man, you would have said it was because he fell prey to their feminine wiles! :ultracool

Depends... what were they wearing when he said it? :angel:

 

[KenpoTex]

Aw, c'mon - you know very well that if the teacher had been a man, you would have said it was because he fell prey to their feminine wiles! :ultracool

 

[Sarah]

check out this funny ad...

http://www.visit4info.com/details.cfm?id=1976&type=coolad

 

[Gin-Gin]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike in English, nouns are designed as either masculine or feminine.
The females, however, decided that the spanish noun for computer should definitely be masculine:
1. In order to do anything with them you have to turn them on first.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model. The women won. artyon:

I love it! :ultracool

 

[Sarah]

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his penis. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis. "Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way, mon, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day.'"

 

[TigerWoman]

There was a preacher...
God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a
little old lady stood up and in her Frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from
God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers". And the Congregation said, "Amen.

That was funny..

Also enjoyed yours Sarah, as usual, where do you come up with stuff? TW

 

[Sarah]

GOING TO THE GYNECOLOGIST
____________________________________
A radio station routinely paid money for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. Here was one of the winners:

I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area". in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.

Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went
home.

The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No - I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my
glitter and sparkles in it."

 

[Ping898]

:rofl: :roflmao: :roflmao: :rofl:


That was GREAT Sarah!!!

 

[OUMoose]

Lol!!

 

[MA-Caver]

Oh man!

 

[Ceicei]

Sarah, good one!!

- Ceicei

 

[Gin-Gin]

GOING TO THE GYNECOLOGIST

OMG--that is too funny!!!
:lool: :lol: :roflmao: :rofl: :roflmao:

 

[Sarah]

Giving More​

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented

as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but Bullsh*t will put you over the top.

And look how far

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.

 

[Sarah]

A Woman's Logic

Ralph awoke one day to realize that his member had inexplicably been growing larger and staying erect longer with each passing day. He was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his sex organ had grown to nearly 20 inches and Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking. So, he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained that Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife, "you are planning on lengthening Ralph's legs, aren't you?"





Taste Test

A teacher was having a tasting day where she would put candy in the kids' mouth and they would guess what it was. She went to the first little boy and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth.

"Can you guess what it is?"

"I don't know," said the boy.

"I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every morning."

The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of ***."

 

[Chronuss]

The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of ***."

bahahahahahahahaha... LOL! :roflmao:

 

[Ping898]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
"Well," he says, "actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in l987."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else--a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head and replies,' No, they're all at the funeral."