A selection of jokes.

[hardheadjarhead]

As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by
her students she read, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and
rode off into the sunset."

She wrote at the bottom of the page, "You obviously have
problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground.
A burro is an ***. At your age it's time to learn the
difference."
--------------
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of
children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around
to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl
who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God
looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the
girl replied, "They will in a minute."
-------------

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours
in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world
around him.

He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't
rightly know, Son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to
his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, Son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky
blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, Son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do
you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, Son. If you don't ask questions, you'll
remain ignorant and never learn anything."
--------------

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring
books.

Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss
Francis, I ain't got no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any
crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any
crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm
getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all the freakin'
crayons?"
----------------
The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word-ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold."

His astonished mother tearfully exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long
to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay."

 

[Gin-Gin]

Thanks, Steve--those are great too! (especially the last one) :rofl:

 

[shesulsa]

Steve - those are golden!!

"up til now..." hee hee heee :boing2::boing1::boing2::lol::roflmao::rofl:

 

[Sarah]

The Test

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

 

[OUMoose]

The Test

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

:erg:

:lol:

 

[Rich Parsons]

-------------

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours
in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world
around him.

He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't
rightly know, Son."

The Boat floats by displacing more volume of water then its mass.

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to
his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, Son."

They have gills and the gills take the oxygen out of the water for them to breath like lungs take the oxygen out of the air. Just a different kind of fluid.

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky
blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, Son."

The sky is blue do to the Ozone and the refraction of light.

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do
you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, Son. If you don't ask questions, you'll
remain ignorant and never learn anything."
--------------

I just did not want anayone to remain ignorant :rofl:

Sorry I could not resist.

 

[Sarah]

hehe

 

[Sarah]

[font=Verdana, Arial]Things to do in the bathroom stall...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."

[/font]

 

[Ping898]

LOL....Sarah that was great! Thanks for the laugh...:lol:

 

[Sarah]

Glad you like....my work mates were looking at me weird because I was laughing out loud while reading it, just had to share!

LOL....Sarah that was great! Thanks for the laugh...:lol:

 

[Rynocerous]

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went To the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and
discussion,they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded,so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get
expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to
discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church..
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from
God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a
little old lady stood up and in her Frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from
God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers". And the Congregation said, "Amen.

Cheers,

Ryan

 

[KenpoTex]

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Rynocerous]

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The parents stop and his mom quickly dismounts, pulling the covers around her.
"What were you and dad doing?" The boy asks his parents.
"Well your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.", she explains.
"Your wasting your time," says the boy. "Every time you go shopping, the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Cheers,

Ryan

 

[BrandiJo]

oh that ones great Rynocerous

 

[shesulsa]

"Your wasting your time," says the boy. "Every time you go shopping, the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

LMFAOROFL

 

[KenpoTex]

That's ********** hilarious :roflmao:

 

[Rynocerous]

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]What Do Women Really Want?[/font][font=Courier New, Courier, mono]Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.

She asked him which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

The Moral of the Story: It doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, underneath it all, she's still a witch![/font]

 

[Rynocerous]

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]What gender is it?[/font][font=Courier New, Courier, mono]If you're like most people, common everyday items look neutral to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example.........

1) Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can
see right through them.

2) Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps
trying.[/font]

Cheers,​

Ryan​

 

[shesulsa]

The Moral of the Story: It does't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, underneath it all, she's still a witch!

That's right! And IN CHARGE, TOO! Don't forget it! :ultracool

2) Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

More toner, darnit!! More toner!!!!

 

[Sarah]

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.[/font]

HAHA...thats funny as hell!!

Thanks for the laughs Ryan!