*is freaking out*

[Sam]

A relative, today, after making me swear not to tell a living soul...

confided in me that she is running away in 8 days to New York. And then plans to move to japan. to further her training.

She turned 18 recently. she can legally do whatever she wants, almost.

But how can I NOT tell her mom?

I mean, she's mad over a boyfriend and rent issue. She's an adult and can do it if she wants... but sneaking to the airport at 4 am doesnt seem to be the way to do it.

I promised not to tell (before knowing what the secret was. she said it was on a "need to know" basis. I didnt think it was something like this! I thought it was something good!!!)

but it seems like if I dont tell her mom, her mom'll be mad at me if she finds out I knew, and if I do, she'll be furious I told her mom...

god, remind me to never make another promise again.

I have no idea what I'm gonna do

 

[shesulsa]

Samantha ... you said she is mad over a boyfriend and rent issue.

I don't think we have enough information to help you on this. But if you feel this is really, really wrong, you are obligated as a relative to do what you need to do - tell YOUR parents and express to them what you have told us here.

 

[DarrenJew]

Plans often change, especially where a young uninformed mind is making a decision. Well New York... Does she plan to stay in contact with you while in New York? What is she going to use for finances to prepare this adventure to Japan? Is she planning to runaway with a friend?

You may be alienated by her if you tell her family. Escalating the problem when her parents confront her with this problem.... If she is having "rent" issues at home now, there is no way she could survive very long in New York... let alone purchase air tickets to Japan.

If you think she will stay in contact with you while on this adventure:

I say tell her parents, and inform them that they may escalate the problem if they confront her with this knowledge. Let them know you will be her contact while she is in New York and if they expose your cover they may escalate the problem. In the mean time They should treat her really nice, it could be possible she will become homesick and want to return home if she feels strongly about missing her family. (ever go away to college... at first it’s a grand adventure... soon most kids become homesick and miss their parents... this can be used to there advantage as long as they play along.)

If you will not be her contact and plans to run away with said boy friend... or someone else, then I still say tell her parents. I would ask them not to play up on the ultimatums as much as using guilt. Young adult may respond better to guilt.... We support your decision if this is what you really want. Our door is always open for you and we love you dearly. We will miss you, we will worry about you and please call home often.... (You may have to suffer the hit for telling, but if she has a cohort in this plan, things can really get out of hand because misery loves company... and it brings in too many other alternative that can go wrong.)
Not knowing the whole situation... I cant recommend this positively will fit your situation, but it may give you something to think about.

 

[The Kai]

there is a cliche that says "Friends don't tell you what you want to hear, but what you need to hear" You need to talk to her!

 

[TigerWoman]

I would also say tell her parents. If they are the type of parents that care and love her, they would be crazed out of their mind worrying about her. No one should put their parents through that either. She can't survive in New York let alone get a ticket to Japan, an even more dangerous environment for an American young naive girl. Sometimes being a friend means more than an confidence sworn to be secret when it may (and probably would) endanger her life. It is harder to do the right thing, but in your heart, Samantha, you already know what the right thing is to do.

My daughter, now 20, finally after a year of hell, did tell what was going on with her. She was moving to AZ to be with a boyfriend she met over the internet. She went to him sight unseen prior to that! The same weekend a girl in Minnesota disappeared to be found dead later and we as parents had no clue, as to address of the boy, what city in AZ, phone, or his last name! Then she didn't even call us when she got back to college here in MN! So far even with our help and the boyfriends, she is not surviving on her own. If she had taken our advice, her life and ours would have been easier and more productive-year behind in college now and lost 4 jobs. Sometimes logic has to rule over passion, even passion of anger. I hope the parents can talk to her before she makes this rash decision. Do the right thing. TW

 

[Deuce]

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with this girl, but before I tell her parents I would try to convince her to re-think her plans. I would lay a guilt trip on her about what it would do to her parents etc.. Let her know how stupid and irresponsible you think this idea is. Tell that she is a young adult and should start acting like it. Ask about how she plans to finace her trip. She may initially be upset with you, but hopefully she'll rationally think about what she's doing. If that dosen't work, then tell her that you have to tell her parents and tell them. This is what I might do in a similar situation.

 

[TigerWoman]

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with this girl, but before I tell her parents I would try to convince her to re-think her plans. I would lay a guilt trip on her about what it would do to her parents etc.. Let her know how stupid and irresponsible you think this idea is. Tell that she is a young adult and should start acting like it. Ask about how she plans to finace her trip. She may initially be upset with you, but hopefully she'll rationally think about what she's doing. If that dosen't work, then tell her that you have to tell her parents and tell them. This is what I might do in a similar situation.

I don't think that they, who are in this already angry frame of mind, at that age, really care what their parents go through. Its all about "me" then. Plus the fact they are trying to become individuals, made their own decisions, and make it in this world. Telling her before the parents might just hasten the trip out, trying to avoid the confrontation perceived with the parents. It might he good to have another individual, someone experienced with runaways and what happens to them at that parent meeting. Then its not me against "them". TW

 

[terryl965]

If she is truely a friend then you are obligated to sit her down and talk. Friends no matter what the out come is need to be there to knock some sense in when emotions take over. This is a perfect stituation for that converstation to take place, you know she is not thinking straight so sey her down and give her the pro's and con's of her decisssion. GOD BLESS AMERICA

 

[Ceicei]

I promised not to tell (before knowing what the secret was. she said it was on a "need to know" basis. I didnt think it was something like this! I thought it was something good!!!)

On a "need to know" basis? Her parents need to know... With that clause in there, it appears she had indirectly given you permission to tell.

- Ceicei

 

[loki09789]

But how can I NOT tell her mom?


I have no idea what I'm gonna do

You have answered your own question because you DO know what you want to/need to do. How can you "NOT" tell according to your own mind.

Yes, you may be breaking a promise and risking some emotional responses, but that is the thing about doing the right thing (if that is what you think telling her mom is) - it isn't 'easy' even though it may be 'right' or 'simple.'

This sounds like anxiety over what you know you want to do and not really indecision.

 

[Flatlander]

I don't know, guys. One fundamental precept of "growing up" is that people will make mistakes. I am a firm believer that the very best lessons in life, that is to say, the ones that we value the most, are the ones that we learn on our own.

If this girl is 18 years old, she's old enough to make her own decisions.

I figure that you, Samantha, need to revisit exactly who you are in this, and what responsibilities you actually have.

You say that you are her friend - she has confided something in you, and trusted you to keep that information private. There's a reason that she wants to keep it private - ought you not respect that, as a friend?

However, if you decide that your loyalties lie with her parents, or if you feel that her parents are better able to make her decisions for her, and you are really only concerned about her own well being, then by all means, tell them.

Above all, do not be a hypocrite. How would you feel if the roles were reversed here?

In closing, let me just add that there are a number of assumptions and suppositions that have been made throughout this thread so far regarding what "harmful" things "may" befall her. Let us not lose sight of the potentially "wonderful" and "eye opening" experiences she may miss out on if her plans are usurped.

I agree that this is likely a difficult problem for you. Are you her keeper, or confidant?

 

[oldnewbie]

Look at the possible consequences of either choice:

1. You don't tell... could be okay, or any number of "bad" things could happen to her.

2. You do tell....she's fine, but upset with you, but get's over it. OR she's fine, and never talks to you again. Either way She is fine.

I advise you to tell her Parents. She is not in a frame of mind to make a good decision. It's her Parents job to take care of her, not yours. It's unfair to put this kind of burden on your sholders. Once her Parents know, they can watch her more closely in the future.

By the way, an Adult is a frame of mind not a number.

My 2 cents

 

[Tgace]

An 18 y.o. girl will probably never even make it out of NYC...and I dont even want to go into what sort of things she could fall into there.

A friend doesn't sit back and watch somebody do something dangerous/stupid just so they can learn from their own mistakes. If this was a mature woman with financial, educational and employment assets looking to make a mark on the world Id say "go for it"...an 18 y.o. with boyfriend/rent problems though? A train wreck waiting to happen.

 

[mj-hi-yah]

Lots of great, meaningful thoughts on this thread so far Samantha, as a parent I'd really want to know, but as an 18 year old adult I'd probably want you to respect my privacy and honor my confidence. The funny thing is though, her situation does not sound stable, why leave in the middle of the night and not tell anyone? She may have told you hoping you would intervene help her or talk her out of it. Do you get that feeling at all? It's too hard to judge that from here. How responsible is she normally? Does she have money? A place to stay? Discuss these things with her. If you decide not to tell her parents then talk to her about how her parents love and care about her (if you know they do) and advise her to let you let them know that she is ok, at the very least you should convince her to give you a number where they can reach her in NY. Parents worry about their children no matter what their age and she at least owes it to them to let them know she is ok.

 

[Tgace]

An 18 yo is an "adult" as much as a new white belt stepping onto the dojo floor for the first time is a "martial artist"...as always thats just IMO.

 

[Kenpo Mama]

Samantha, your friend reached out to you and really needs some guidance on this issue. She said it was on a "need to know basis", well now you know, and if you feel she may be making a "mistake" take some time, sit her down, and talk to her.

NY is not a place to just come to and "show" up! You need to have a place to stay - or - no kidding "bad" things do happen! Find out what her plans are - is she planning on renting an apartment? Get yourself a copy of the NEW YORK TIMES real estate section and show her how much it costs to live here and God forbid she ends up with some wacky roomates. Even a little hole in the wall is thousands of dollars a month. What is she planning to do when she gets here? Really make her look at her "plan". Making mistakes is one thing, but this is a dangerous mistake. My feelings are too that she won't make it to Japan.

If you don't get anywhere with her, then honestly i would talk to your parents and ask their advice on the situation. As a parent i would want to know. Good luck and please keep us posted.

Donna :asian:

 

[Flatlander]

One other thing that I wanted to mention is that maybe you might encourage her to discuss this with her parents on her own. It seems to me that would be the most "adult" way for her to handle this.

 

[Lisa]

Samantha,

I think you have answered your own question already. Obviously an 18 year old "running away" in the middle of the night doesn't come across as the most mature, level headed person. To me, and this is just MHO, if she was mature and level headed she would have thought all of this out a little farther and would have job opportunities, a place to live and the blessings and support of her parents. As much as I agree with Flatlander that she could be missing an awesome opportunity, I worry that her lack of planning and attitude that it is running away, leaves her vulnerable to a crap load of problems.

If it were me, and I realise it is not, I would first be having a long talk with her and asking her WTF?

My post is making a lot of assumptions too so please forgive me if I am going in the wrong direction.

 

[mj-hi-yah]

Tgace I get your point and I agree that most 18 year olds are lacking in experience, and 18 is a real inbetween time. I do know some really responsible 18 year olds who are much more adult than children and I believe could handle this journey, and I know some fifty year olds who are much more children than adult and I know could not handle this. I think this thread, with it's many opinions, reflects the conflicting thoughts our society has for 18 year olds. Our laws don't even fully support an 18 year old's adulthood. She can live on her own, serve in the army and be a parent, but in NY anyway she can't buy alcohol. From the sound of this post this girl is living on her own already though, so her parents may no longer be in control of her decisions.

There is too much we don't know about this particular 18 year old to say how responsible she is or is not. I feel we need more information.

 

[Tgace]

True...the pure fact that problems with her life are driving her to this decision is a big red flag to me though.