Students of English

KenpoTess

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Students of English: here's a little poem that will alert you to the complexities of English pronunciation!

Dearest creature in creation
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I: Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar.
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamor
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and droll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangor.
Soul but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, knob, bosom, transom, oath.
Through the differences seem little,
We say actual, but also victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, Conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succor, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye.
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, brass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging.
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here, but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation - think of Psyche!
Is it paling, stout and spiky?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough -
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give it up!!!

Am I ever glad I learned to speak it before I knew what it was all about *grins*
 
:confused:

My head is spinning! OI! I think my daughter has a point... just stick to Ukrainian. It is completely phonetic. You says it as you sees it. ;)
 
haha, i'll be graduating from UCONN this spring with my BA in English! then i'm off to get my masters and teaching cert. thats really good. :)...
 
Well now I can understand why all my foreign friends always complain about our english complexities. Heheh, when we get around to conquering the world none of that'll be a problem....
 
Uh yeah ;)


Excerpts from "Crazy English" by Richard Lederer (Pocket Books 1989)

Nonetheless, it is now time to face the fact that English is a
crazy language.
In the crazy English language, the blackbird hen is brown,
blackboards can be blue or green, and blackberries are green and then
red before they are ripe. Even if blackberries were really black and
blueberries really blue, what are strawberries, cranberries, elderberries,
huckleberries, raspberries, boysenberries, and gooseberries supposed to
look like?
To add to the insanity, there is no butter in buttermilk, no egg in
eggplant, neither worms nor wood in wormwood, neither pine nor apple in
pineapple, and no ham in a hamburger. (In fact, if somebody invented a
sandwich consisting of a ham patty in a bun, we would have a hard time
finding a name for it.) To make matters worse, English muffins weren't
invented in England, french fries in France, or Danish pastries in Denmark.
And we discover even more culinary madness in the revelations that sweet-
meat is made from fruit, while sweetbread, which isn't sweet, is made from
meat.
In this unreliable English tongue, greyhounds aren't always grey (or
gray), ladybugs and fireflies are beetles, a panda bear is a raccoon, a
koala bear is a maruspial, a guinea pig is neither a pig nor from Guinea,
and a titmouse is neither mammal nor mammaried.
...
Why is it that a woman can man a station but a man can't woman one,
that a man can father a movement but a woman can't mother one, and that a
king rules a kingdom but a queen doesn't rule a queendom? How did all those
Renaissance men reproduce when there doesn't seem to have been any
Reniassance women?
A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings.
But fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, hammers don't ham, and hum-
dingers don't hum. If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of
booth be beeth? One goose, two geese - so one moose, two meese? One index,
two indices - one Kleenex, two Klennices? If people ring a bell today and
rang a bell yesterday, why don't we say that they flang a ball? If they wrote
a letter perhaps they also bote their tongue. If the teacher taught, why
isn't it also true that the preacher praught? Why is it that the sun shone
yesterday while I shined my shoes, that I treaded water and then trod on
soil, and that I flew out to see a World Series game in which my favorite
player flied out?

<And we wonder why others find English so hard to learn?>
 
If GH can stand for P, as in "Hiccough",
If OUGH stands for O, as in "Dough";
if PHTH stands for T, as in "Phthisis";
if EIGH stands for A, as in "Neighbour";
f TTE stands for T, as in "Gazette";
if EAU stands for O, as in "Plateau";

Then, the right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU
 
Our queer English language

We'll begin with box; the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

But the plural of mouse in not ever meese.

You may find a lone mouse, or a whole nest of mice,

But the plural of house is still never hice.

If the plural of man is always men

Why shouldn't the plural of pan be pen?

If I speak of a foot and you show me two feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth, and a whole set are teeth

Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

If a singular this is a plural these

Should the plural of kiss ever be keese?

We speak of a brother and also call brethren,

And though we say mother we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim.

- Alice Hess Beveridge
 
Tess, STOP IT! You know I is not smrt enough to follow all that, and you done gived me a head ache in my head.
 
Yup, that would pretty much make any would-be-student of English give up and go to a non-English speaking country. No wonder my daughter learned French so easily. TW
 

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