ppko
Master Black Belt
I will start off but try to come up with some more
Redneck jokes
- Thread starter ppko
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OP
ppko
Master Black Belt
- Thread Starter
- #2
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedwacker?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard, " replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual, " said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedwacker?" asked the first redneck.
"No, " his friend replied.
"You's qeere aint ya?" said the first redneck
(this was found at collegehumor.com)
OP
ppko
Master Black Belt
- Thread Starter
- #3
Things you'll never hear a redneck say
I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Duct tape won't fix that.
Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
Wrestling's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my gut is too big?
I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, we don't need another dog.
Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Checkmate.
She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
You ALL.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.
(these were also found at collegehumor.com)
I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Duct tape won't fix that.
Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
Wrestling's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my gut is too big?
I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, we don't need another dog.
Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Checkmate.
She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
You ALL.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.
(these were also found at collegehumor.com)
KenpoTex
Senior Master
Two jobless brothers go into an employment agency in the hopes of finding work. The first brother goes into the office where the placement officer asks him: "What qualifications or special skills do you have?"
He replied, "I'm a pilot."
"Oh that's great, we are always looking for pilots, I can get you into a job that starts at $100,000 a year."
Hearing this, he walks out to the waiting room and told his brother about his incredible good luck.
Feeling very optimistic, the second brother walked into the office where the placement officer asked him what his qualifications and/or skill were.
"I'm a woodcutter" he replied.
"Oh, I'm sorry, with all the environmental programs etc., woodcutters are not in demand, the best I can do for you is a job that pays $5.15 per hour."
"WHAT! my brother just walked out and told me he's going to make 100k per year."
"Well yes, but he's got special skills, he's a pilot"
"Special skills my butt, I cut the wood, he piles it."
He replied, "I'm a pilot."
"Oh that's great, we are always looking for pilots, I can get you into a job that starts at $100,000 a year."
Hearing this, he walks out to the waiting room and told his brother about his incredible good luck.
Feeling very optimistic, the second brother walked into the office where the placement officer asked him what his qualifications and/or skill were.
"I'm a woodcutter" he replied.
"Oh, I'm sorry, with all the environmental programs etc., woodcutters are not in demand, the best I can do for you is a job that pays $5.15 per hour."
"WHAT! my brother just walked out and told me he's going to make 100k per year."
"Well yes, but he's got special skills, he's a pilot"
"Special skills my butt, I cut the wood, he piles it."
KenpoTex
Senior Master
Are You a Redneck Jedi? Sorry y'all, these are pretty dumb 
You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud
Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum
skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you
didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the
dark side...it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense
electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your
land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke
shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get
in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the
Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood
deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina
scene.
If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle."
You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud
Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum
skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you
didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the
dark side...it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense
electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your
land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke
shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get
in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the
Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood
deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina
scene.
If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle."
LOL! I hadn't heard the redneck Jedi jokes before!
Rick Wade
Master Black Belt
I'm starting to feel slighted. some of those statements are true. I'm fixen to get mader than a momma coon.
LOL
Rick
LOL
Rick
Justin and Billy-bob, a couple of rednecks decide to take a visit to the big city of New Yark. They head on up thar and soon are amazed at the wonderous sites the city has to offer. One night near Times Square they spot a pretty gal in a mini-skirt and tank top leaning against a lamp-post beckoning them over. They talk to the gal for a minute and find she'll sleep with them for a fee.
In the hotel the two rednecks strip down and as one of them gets started the gal stops them:
"Hold on you two, put these on" and give them each a condom.
"Whuts dese here for?" asks Justin
The hooker looks at them incedulously "ain't you boys seen condoms before?"
"Naw m'am" Billy bob answers.
Flustered the hooker admonished them.. "You two want me to get pregnant?"
Both shake their head vigorously, "Laws no!" they say
"You two want me to get some redneck disease?" she says
"Laws no m'am, we don't want that!"
"Then put them on then." she says and waits.
They do what she says and then have their fun.
Weeks later back home and sittin' on the fence the two rednecks are talking about whatever rednecks talk about, then...
"Say Justin,"
"Yea, Billy Bob"
"You'n remembr our trip to that there New Yark Sity?"
"Uh-huh"
"Shore was a big-un wern't it?"
"Uh-huh"
"Awfully lot of people in one place t'aint it?"
"Yep"
"Justin?"
"Yeah?"
"You remember that gal we met on that thar Tymes Squawre?"
"Yeah"
"She shore was purty weren't she?"
"Yeah, shore was"
....
"Justin?"
"Yeah?"
"Lemme ast yew sumpthin"
"G'on a'head Billy Bob"
"Do you want that gal to get pregnant?"
"Well... tells you de truth, ah doan't rightly care."
"Me eether. Do you want that gal to get some deesease?"
"Seems to me if she does it's her problem t'ain't it? So I don't care about that either"
"Yeah, me either... lets take these things off I gotta pee!"
In the hotel the two rednecks strip down and as one of them gets started the gal stops them:
"Hold on you two, put these on" and give them each a condom.
"Whuts dese here for?" asks Justin
The hooker looks at them incedulously "ain't you boys seen condoms before?"
"Naw m'am" Billy bob answers.
Flustered the hooker admonished them.. "You two want me to get pregnant?"
Both shake their head vigorously, "Laws no!" they say
"You two want me to get some redneck disease?" she says
"Laws no m'am, we don't want that!"
"Then put them on then." she says and waits.
They do what she says and then have their fun.
Weeks later back home and sittin' on the fence the two rednecks are talking about whatever rednecks talk about, then...
"Say Justin,"
"Yea, Billy Bob"
"You'n remembr our trip to that there New Yark Sity?"
"Uh-huh"
"Shore was a big-un wern't it?"
"Uh-huh"
"Awfully lot of people in one place t'aint it?"
"Yep"
"Justin?"
"Yeah?"
"You remember that gal we met on that thar Tymes Squawre?"
"Yeah"
"She shore was purty weren't she?"
"Yeah, shore was"
....
"Justin?"
"Yeah?"
"Lemme ast yew sumpthin"
"G'on a'head Billy Bob"
"Do you want that gal to get pregnant?"
"Well... tells you de truth, ah doan't rightly care."
"Me eether. Do you want that gal to get some deesease?"
"Seems to me if she does it's her problem t'ain't it? So I don't care about that either"
"Yeah, me either... lets take these things off I gotta pee!"
A young redneck gets married, and right after the reception him and young bride leave on their honeymoon.
A few hours after they left the groom, walks into his fathers home throws his shot gun in the closet and storms off. His father chases after him and asks what the problem is.
"Well pa when we got to the hotel I went off to use the warshroom, she started moanin and caterwallin for me to huury up and come make love to her" , the young man stated.
His father said, "thats great son, we all want a woman who want to have sex."
"When I said I would be right out, she kept moanin and goanin and pleading for me to hurry up, and make love to her," the young told his father.
"That is a good thing, my son not a reason to come runnin home"< his father told him.
"Well pa she finally got very loud and said hurry up my love and make love to me, make me a woman, I have waited all my life to finally have sex. Thats when I bolted right out of there", The young man told his father.
"You did a good thing son, If she ain't good enough for her own family then she definitely isn't good enough for ours." The old man told his son.
A few hours after they left the groom, walks into his fathers home throws his shot gun in the closet and storms off. His father chases after him and asks what the problem is.
"Well pa when we got to the hotel I went off to use the warshroom, she started moanin and caterwallin for me to huury up and come make love to her" , the young man stated.
His father said, "thats great son, we all want a woman who want to have sex."
"When I said I would be right out, she kept moanin and goanin and pleading for me to hurry up, and make love to her," the young told his father.
"That is a good thing, my son not a reason to come runnin home"< his father told him.
"Well pa she finally got very loud and said hurry up my love and make love to me, make me a woman, I have waited all my life to finally have sex. Thats when I bolted right out of there", The young man told his father.
"You did a good thing son, If she ain't good enough for her own family then she definitely isn't good enough for ours." The old man told his son.
Gene Williams
Green Belt
Since we are having fun with social class/ racist humor...they had a contest to see which engineers were the smartest. So, they locked two German engineers in a room for a week and gave them two ball bearings. After a week had passed, the Germans had built a Mercedez Benz out of the ball bearings. "Wow," said the judges, "that is really great!"
Next, they locked two Japanese engineers in a room with two ball bearings. After a week, the Japanese engineers had built a computer. "Truly impressive!"
Next, they locked two Japanese engineers in a room with two ball bearings. After a week, the Japanese engineers had built a computer. "Truly impressive!"
T
TonyM.
Guest
You have got to be kidding me. I cannot believe you posted that garbage.
hardheadjarhead
Senior Master
Sounded pretty racist to me. Isn't that against MT policy?
Regards,
Steve
Regards,
Steve
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