One arrested in snack attack; assault by Cheetos

[Big Don]

One arrested in snack attack; assault by Cheetos

REGISTER STAFF REPORTS
Des Moines Register
September 4, 2007
Excerpt:
The assault weapons listed on the Des Moines police report was a bag of Cheetos.

Patrick Hamman, 22, of 4904 S.W. 13th St., was arrested Sunday on a charge of domestic assault. Officers explained that the victim of the snack attack, Michael Hamman, lives with his adult son, Patrick and that they became involved in an argument Sunday night.

Patrick Hammon picked up a bag of Cheetos and threw it at his father, hitting him in the face, police said. It hit him in the glasses, causing a cut to the bridge of Michael Hamman's nose.


http://desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070904/NEWS/70904004/1001/NEWS

 

[Big Don]

When Cheetos are outlawed; only outlaws will have Cheetos.

 

[tshadowchaser]

The horror of this is that: Yes it was an assult but come on a bag of Cheetos

 

[exile]

When Cheetos are outlawed; only outlaws will have Cheetos.

—in the same spirit:

`I will give up my Cheetos when they pry the bag from my cold dead fingers'.

`Cheetos don't break people's fathers' glasses; people break people's fathers' glasses'...

`Insured by Cheetos'...

`Real men don't need Cheetos!'

`Power comes from the top of a bag of Cheetos.'

Nope. Not gonna work! :lol:

 

[bydand]

Oh no! That must mean Doritos are on the endangered snack list as wel, they have pointy ends and could not only knock your glasses off, put poke your eye out while doing it.

 

[exile]

Oh no! That must mean Doritos are on the endangered snack list as wel, they have pointy ends and could not only knock your glasses off, put poke your eye out while doing it.

Edible mini-shuriken... clearly, we need a new subforum category on MT to discuss this category of weapon!

 

[grydth]

Well, thanks to all of you here letting the snack out of the bag, we know what Congress will be wasting its time doing over the next several months.

There will soon be bills introduced by Democrats to ban "Assault Bags". These, we'll be told, are the munchy of choice for patricides. A parade of horrible tales will surface about lives senselessly lost from coast to coast, wonderful and innocent people who'd be alive today but for tossed cookies.

Republicans will resist these... but only because they are in bed with the assault junk food industry.... a rumor will surface that Sen Craig was actually eating Tostitos while in bed with the executives.

It will become a debate topic, with Hillary criticizing Obama for being soft on snacks....

Recalling that President Bush choked on a pretzel, Democrats will strike them as foods to be regulated.... leading to PC claims that only assault foods ending in "OS" are being singled out.

There will be bigger warning labels, lawyer inspired disclaimers, safety snack classes taught in Middle School, redesign of bags .....

 

[exile]

Well, thanks to all of you here letting the snack out of the bag, we know what Congress will be wasting its time doing over the next several months.

There will soon be bills introduced by Democrats to ban "Assault Bags". These, we'll be told, are the munchy of choice for patricides. A parade of horrible tales will surface about lives senselessly lost from coast to coast, wonderful and innocent people who'd be alive today but for tossed cookies.

Republicans will resist these... but only because they are in bed with the assault junk food industry.... a rumor will surface that Sen Craig was actually eating Tostitos while in bed with the executives.

It will become a debate topic, with Hillary criticizing Obama for being soft on snacks....

Recalling that President Bush choked on a pretzel, Democrats will strike them as foods to be regulated.... leading to PC claims that only assault foods ending in "OS" are being singled out.

There will be bigger warning labels, lawyer inspired disclaimers, safety snack classes taught in Middle School, redesign of bags .....

But think of the upside: a whole new generation of action/MA movies with Jason Bourne knock-offs decimating terrorist cells with rapid-fire Cheeto salvos; MA schools offering weapons training guaranteed to include the dreaded Cheeto (you must sign the appropriate disclaimers, of course), and for the food industry, a whole new dimension of marketing—weapon foods, guaranteed to turn any food-fight into a bloodbath... an extra couple of billion dollars a year net profit from the middle school market alone!

 

[CoryKS]

Verily, it is not easy being cheezy.

 

[exile]

Coming soon to a highway near you:

State Trooper through bullhorn to pulled-over vehicle: All right sir, just stay in the car please in plain sight... Sir, do you have any weapons on your person?

Speeder: Um... Officer, there's a bag of Cheetos in the glove box

State Trooper to partner: Uh-oh, may need backup... Sir please put your hands on your steering wheel in plain sight. Do not move. Repeat: do not move.

(both LEOs move out of their cruiser, hands on their holsters, cautiously approaching the speeder's vehicle....)

 

[crushing]

Cheetos was just the beginning. You may think it's Popycock, but a Fiddle Faddle battle looming. My money is on the Screaming Yellow Zonkers knocking the funnions out of the Frito gang.

Make Lays, not war!

 

[MarkBarlow]

Think this guy might be a cereal killer?

 

[kosho]

LOL,
the last one was great

kosho

 

[CoryKS]

Think this guy might be a cereal killer?

Nope. Small fry.

 

[bydand]

Coming soon to a highway near you:

State Trooper through bullhorn to pulled-over vehicle: All right sir, just stay in the car please in plain sight... Sir, do you have any weapons on your person?

Speeder: Um... Officer, there's a bag of Cheetos in the glove box

State Trooper to partner: Uh-oh, may need backup... Sir please put your hands on your steering wheel in plain sight. Do not move. Repeat: do not move.

(both LEOs move out of their cruiser, hands on their holsters, cautiously approaching the speeder's vehicle....)

:lfao: I drew a mental picture of one officer crouched down by the rear quarter panel of said vehicle screaming into his raido "Oh jeeze he has orange on his fingers, repeat, ORANGE ON FINGERS!!! bag has been opened!!"

Maybe I just need to shut off the computer and develop a life :idunno:

 

[14 Kempo]

:lfao: I drew a mental picture of one officer crouched down by the rear quarter panel of said vehicle screaming into his raido "Oh jeeze he has orange on his fingers, repeat, ORANGE ON FINGERS!!! bag has been opened!!"

Maybe I just need to shut off the computer and develop a life :idunno:

Come on now Scott, let's not do anything desperate.

 

[exile]

:lfao: I drew a mental picture of one officer crouched down by the rear quarter panel of said vehicle screaming into his raido "Oh jeeze he has orange on his fingers, repeat, ORANGE ON FINGERS!!! bag has been opened!!"

Maybe I just need to shut off the computer and develop a life :idunno:

You mean, just when this thread is really rockin'?? Scott, you can't...

 

[bydand]

Come on now Scott, let's not do anything desperate.

You mean, just when this thread is really rockin'?? Scott, you can't...

No worries, if I gave up the computer, I would have to deal with people face-to-face and some of them may be packing Dorito shurikins. Or at the very least Dorito breath.

 

[Rich Parsons]

:lfao: I drew a mental picture of one officer crouched down by the rear quarter panel of said vehicle screaming into his raido "Oh jeeze he has orange on his fingers, repeat, ORANGE ON FINGERS!!! bag has been opened!!"

Maybe I just need to shut off the computer and develop a life :idunno:

I had the mental picture in my head. :lol:

 

[Big Don]

you people are very punny.