Need advice--Thanks for reading

[Traveler83]

Hello. I'm new to the forum. I don't really know how long I'll be on here, but I was doing an internet search and this forum had good reviews. I know there's a strong online BJJ community out there and given a situation of mine I thought I'd tap into that.

I don't even know where to start. I am a 4 stripe white belt (though my gym has the green belt before blue) and have been a practitioner at my gym since September 2018--though I went on hiatus from August 2021 to August 2022. (More on that later.) I'll also throw out there that I have social anxiety, am shy, and autistic. (Though I'm very high on the spectrum. You wouldn't even know I am unless I told you.) As luck would have it I entered BJJ unaware it was one of the most difficult martial arts out there, (but I'm not a quitter.) I'm one of those people who tends to dread going into the class, but am always glad I went afterwards. BJJ is difficult for me though. There's a lot of movements I'm just not used to, and for those of you with experience, you know it's a combination of physics and a complicated puzzle to truly grasp it. Some of the autism probably plays a role because I am very literal in my interpretations at times. Having social anxiety coupled with the autism causes a thousand thoughts racing through my head as I'm trying to listen to technique instructions. I'm so nervous that I forget instructions VERY often, which to me makes me look extremely incompetent and a joke. I shudder to think what people think about in their heads or when talking to others. Drilling time is rough for me. I'm always panicking about finding someone willing to drill with me. Being a typical BJJ gym, there's a lot of camaraderie and laughter.......though I have never laughed once. However, once my instructor kindly told me that I should have nothing to fear or worry about in his gym.

I've made it my goal this year to have my green belt by December. I've gone to private sessions with my instructor, but they're expensive for me at least. ($45 a hour)

Now I don't like sob stories and I am NOT asking for sympathy, but I have to provide as many facts as possible. I have trust and abandonment issues. People I've known in life have claimed to be friends of mine, but they'd later ghost me. However, there was a guy I met through Jiu-jitsu--(though we never practiced outside of class)--who I actually became very close friends with. He was one of those people who you could cry on his shoulder and he was a fantastic confidant. We became close as brothers. We ate out in restaurants, hiked outdoors, smoked weed together, etc... Having always struggled with friendship, I was very happy to have a broski and was extremely loyal to him. It was for sure a bromance. I genuinely believed he was different from all the other "friends" who hurt me so much. For reasons still pretty unknown to me, he ghosted/faded on me in the summer of 2021 and later sent a letter to me in August 2021 ending the friendship with me. His ex-fiancee later told me that he was a narcissist and the problem was all him, and I had nothing to do with it. Still, let me just say I was IMMENSELY hurt when he decided to no longer be friends with me. I was completely blind sided. Since he sometimes went to Jiu-jitsu classes/open mat, I left the gym with the intent to never return. Just seeing him there would have been way too rough on me. I fell into an awful depression having been hurt by the friend I thought I could trust. I was crying nearly everyday for a solid year. (My instructor told me I was likely traumatized.) Anyway, eventually I learned through his ex-fiancee during the spring of 2022 that he quit Jiu-jitsu and had cut himself off from a lot of the people he knew there. With the knowledge that he was gone, I made the decision to return to my gym in August 2022. Only my instructor, his ex-fiancee, and my therapist know about what I went through.

If you don't use it, you lose it, and it was painful for me to see other people having advanced while I had forgotten a lot. But even to this day, it's difficult for me to go into this gym because it reminds so much of my old friend knowing that I met him there.....though it is very slowly getting easier. (Now going to another Jiu-jitsu gym I don't like as an option because for one thing this is the closest one to me and also the only way I can truly heal is to face my fears.) But no I don't laugh with the guys when I'm there, and I don't talk much. When I do talk, I mis-speak a lot because I'm nervous. I wish I could smile more, but I carry a hurt in me that affects me to this day. Drilling to me is frustrating and last night was just embarrassing. I get submitted and smashed a lot when we roll. I try to build myself saying that I'll get better with time and that the only person I'm competing against is myself, but it does get redundant after awhile.

Now if you have read up to this point, THANK YOU very much. I've thrown a lot at you. So now we arrive at the part now where I need advice. Before I left on hiatus a blue belt joined my Jiu-jitsu gym because he discovered it was much closer to where he lived. He is really good at Jiu-jitsu and is now a purple belt. Why is he so good? Well he has confidence in himself, something I lack. Also, he's overall a very happy person and has likely never experienced what I went through. (Though I would NEVER want anyone to experience what I went through.) I should also mention that my Jiu-jitsu gym is in a separate city from where I live. I live in a small town of only a population of about 2600. Well, recently the purple belt moved to the same town I live in. In fact, even in a small town the purple belt and I live relatively close to each other. He and I are basically acquaintances. We've had a bit of small talk at the gym and are Facebook friends. Though let's be honest, there's a huge difference between a Facebook vs. an in person friend. Once he invited me and few other guys at the gym for drinks at a bar after open mat. He is a genuinely very friendly person, but like I said, we're just acquaintances. I've thought about approaching him with a simple offer: Simply if he ever needs someone to practice technique on at his home or at my place (since we live in the same small town), that I'd be happy to do so with him. Now I am fully prepared for the fact that he may shoot down my offer by explaining that he just doesn't have the time, etc... Plus if he doesn't own a mat and nor do I, that may not be helpful. I have to be realistic knowing I might not get the answer I want. Also, let's be honest, how on Earth would a purple belt benefit by practicing with a four-stripe white belt? But hell, even if the answer is no, at least I figure I tried. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Still, if I could offer him the incentive of convenience (since we live close to each other) and as a benefit to him for someone to practice on, well at least that is something. We're both bodybuilders so we'd have at least something in common to talk about. I know I could really use a friend in the Jiu-jitsu gym. Once I become comfortable with someone, I'm actually very good talking one on one. While you should never rely on people for happiness, friendship is one of the joys of life. As it is I have no close friends, but hopefully any of you can see why with what I've been through. It's a longshot, but maybe I could develop a friendship with this person if we practiced enough.

So I guess what I'm asking is first of all, should I even bother to make the offer to him? Am I just deluding myself? If I do ask him, should I try to ask him at the gym? (Getting him alone may prove difficult.) Or should I do something like a message in Facebook? Thoughts?

Thank you to all of you that read this very long winded message and have advice for me. Many, many thanks just for doing that.

 

[Tony Dismukes]

So I guess what I'm asking is first of all, should I even bother to make the offer to him?

So, if I'm understanding the situation correctly, the gym where you both train is a bit of a drive from the town where you live. So if he was open to training with you and there was a local space where you could get together for training then it would give you both the chance to get some extra training in without the travel time to the city? In that case, sure. It might end up being helpful for both of you. Don't worry about "how on Earth would a purple belt benefit by practicing with a four-stripe white belt?" I'm a 2nd degree black belt and I can get useful training with a four-stripe white belt.

That said, make the offer but don't attach any emotional weight to the response you get.

He might not respond at all.
He might respond and say no.
He might say yes and then flake out every time you try to get a workout scheduled.
He might say yes, seem really enthusiastic, make a few sessions, and then get busy and stop showing up.
He might say yes, show up for workouts, and then turn out to be a jerk or a bad training partner once you get to know him better.
... or he might turn out to be a great long term training partner that you learn a lot from and have fun with.

The important thing to realize is that all those different possibilities come down to what's going on in his life and are not judgments on you or your worth. You could be the most confident, charismatic, best BJJ student in the world ... and all those different scenarios would still be on the table. Heck, I recently had an old training partner (another black belt) contact me a few months ago about getting my help with some new material he was interested in learning - then he flaked out, didn't show up for our scheduled meetings, and then hasn't responded to my messages for a few weeks. This wasn't me reaching out to him ... he asked me to get together and then he was the one who never showed up. Other people have things going on in their lives and you can't take it as a reflection on your value as a person or as a training partner.

I'm so nervous that I forget instructions VERY often, which to me makes me look extremely incompetent and a joke. I shudder to think what people think about in their heads or when talking to others.

Trust me, this is extremely common and no one is judging you for it. It's a common subject for Facebook memes in the BJJ community. Things like:

Instructor: Okay, does anyone have any questions about that technique?
Me (who lost track of what he was explaining during the first sentence): Shakes head silently.

One thing that will help you over time is to focus on the underlying concepts and principles behind the techniques rather than the individual details. There are just too many details. In your first year you might learn 50 techniques with 3 variations each and 10 crucial details per technique. That's 1500 details already. You can't memorize all that. But what you will start to realize is that all those details of all those techniques are just expressions of a fairly small number of underlying principles. Once you start to be able to see how those principles directly lead to the details of the techniques, then it will become much easier to follow and remember what the instructor is showing you. It does take time, so be patient with yourself.

 

[drop bear]

When I used to bounce I was forced to have social interactions with people. And the trick I learned is you can just math the problem out through trial and error until you have good interactions.

Same with jujitsu. You can be very good at it simply by solving the problems.

So instead of trying to wing this with some sort of inate charm or jujitsu ability. You can cheat and use scientific method.


Bottom line ask the guy to train. See how you go.

 

[drop bear]

When I used to bounce I was forced to have social interactions with people. And the trick I leand is you can just math the problem out through trial and error until you have good interactions.

Same with jujitsu. You can be very good at it simply by solving the problems.

So instead of trying to wing this with some sort of inate charm or jujitsu ability. You can cheat and use scientific method.


Bottom line ask the guy to train. See how you go.

I'm so nervous that I forget instructions VERY often, which to me makes me look extremely incompetent and a joke. I shudder to think what people think about in their heads or when talking to others

It is so common people make memes about it.

 

[skribs]

A lot of the mental health and relationship problems you bring up are something that martial arts has the potential to help with. However, four years in (I'm subtracting the year you say you weren't active), hopefully that would have kicked in. If it hasn't, then you need to look outside of martial arts for the help you need. I'm specifically referring to a mental health professional or a psychologist.

I've struggled with a lot of similar things in my past. Introversion, social anxiety, and maybe a bit neural atypical. Martial arts is what helped me overcome a lot of that. But if you're still struggling with it, I'd recommend further help.

 

[Traveler83]

A lot of the mental health and relationship problems you bring up are something that martial arts has the potential to help with. However, four years in (I'm subtracting the year you say you weren't active), hopefully that would have kicked in. If it hasn't, then you need to look outside of martial arts for the help you need. I'm specifically referring to a mental health professional or a psychologist.

I've struggled with a lot of similar things in my past. Introversion, social anxiety, and maybe a bit neural atypical. Martial arts is what helped me overcome a lot of that. But if you're still struggling with it, I'd recommend further help.

Thanks for the input. Yes, I do see a therapist and am prescribed medication. Talk therapy has helped me come a long way. I wish it just wasn't as expensive, but that's another story altogether.

 

[Traveler83]

When I used to bounce I was forced to have social interactions with people. And the trick I leand is you can just math the problem out through trial and error until you have good interactions.

Same with jujitsu. You can be very good at it simply by solving the problems.

So instead of trying to wing this with some sort of inate charm or jujitsu ability. You can cheat and use scientific method.


Bottom line ask the guy to train. See how you go.

It is so common people make memes about it.

Thank you

 

[Tony Dismukes]

It's a common subject for Facebook memes in the BJJ community.

It is so common people make memes about it.

Jinx!

Thanks for taking the time to actually find an example. I didn't feel like scrolling down my Facebook feed until I found one.

 

[Traveler83]

So, if I'm understanding the situation correctly, the gym where you both train is a bit of a drive from the town where you live. So if he was open to training with you and there was a local space where you could get together for training then it would give you both the chance to get some extra training in without the travel time to the city? In that case, sure. It might end up being helpful for both of you. Don't worry about "how on Earth would a purple belt benefit by practicing with a four-stripe white belt?" I'm a 2nd degree black belt and I can get useful training with a four-stripe white belt.

That said, make the offer but don't attach any emotional weight to the response you get.

He might not respond at all.
He might respond and say no.
He might say yes and then flake out every time you try to get a workout scheduled.
He might say yes, seem really enthusiastic, make a few sessions, and then get busy and stop showing up.
He might say yes, show up for workouts, and then turn out to be a jerk or a bad training partner once you get to know him better.
... or he might turn out to be a great long term training partner that you learn a lot from and have fun with.

The important thing to realize is that all those different possibilities come down to what's going on in his life and are not judgments on you or your worth. You could be the most confident, charismatic, best BJJ student in the world ... and all those different scenarios would still be on the table. Heck, I recently had an old training partner (another black belt) contact me a few months ago about getting my help with some new material he was interested in learning - then he flaked out, didn't show up for our scheduled meetings, and then hasn't responded to my messages for a few weeks. This wasn't me reaching out to him ... he asked me to get together and then he was the one who never showed up. Other people have things going on in their lives and you can't take it as a reflection on your value as a person or as a training partner.


Trust me, this is extremely common and no one is judging you for it. It's a common subject for Facebook memes in the BJJ community. Things like:

Instructor: Okay, does anyone have any questions about that technique?
Me (who lost track of what he was explaining during the first sentence): Shakes head silently.

One thing that will help you over time is to focus on the underlying concepts and principles behind the techniques rather than the individual details. There are just too many details. In your first year you might learn 50 techniques with 3 variations each and 10 crucial details per technique. That's 1500 details already. You can't memorize all that. But what you will start to realize is that all those details of all those techniques are just expressions of a fairly small number of underlying principles. Once you start to be able to see how those principles directly lead to the details of the techniques, then it will become much easier to follow and remember what the instructor is showing you. It does take time, so be patient with yourself.

Thank you very much. And you're right, be prepared for all outcomes and be very cognizant of not attaching emotional weight to them.

That said, make the offer but don't attach any emotional weight to the response you get

That said, make the offer but don't attach any emotional weight to the response you get

I completely agree and that I need to be especially cognizant about. Thanks for all your nice input.