I'm in a painful situation. I've been suffering from bipolar disorder (a condition characterized by severe and frequent mood swings and in some cases suicidal ideation and psychosis) for years. I started karate four years ago at the age of 14 and it helped me immensely. I love every aspect of MA; the exercise, the competition, the self defence, the spiritual stuff,etc. I'm very enthusiastic at the dojo and I try very hard, but it's never hard enough because I am heavily medicated for my mental illness and the pills have side effects. They slow me down and make me weak and drowsy. I hate them. They keep me sane, true, but why would I want to be sane if I can't participate in the activities that I truely enjoy? I want to excel in MA! I want to pay my sensei back for her work! I feel like I'm running on a treadmill, wasting my energy and never moving forward