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Deflecting_the_Storm
Guest
Since I have found God I have always based my life on doing whats right. Not whats right for me. With that choice a constant so far in my life I have began to cause alot of disruption among the people I know and especially the many MA friends I have. I have lost nearly all of my friends due to my rule which is no Liars, Thieves, or rapists are allowed around me. People who intentionally due things to get themselves ahead in life. All of this started at the beginning of this year, and now as we draw to a close I see that all of the people I used to consider family I have ostrasized by choice. Mainly because I will confront them with the problem and they just cant handle the confrontation. I currently have a friend in the prison system. She was like family to me. My best friend and I have been writing her these last few months giving her support. She and I were real close and I knew that my friend wanted to have an relationship with her. I have been trying for the last 5 years to get them together. We are young kids, not really knowing what a relationship was. She has denied him that till now. Of course, because she has noone else. I myself have a girlfriend who l am in love with. Her and my girlfriend dont get along. They have only met once and it was a nasty event. I tried to tell my friend in prison(who I will now call Jane) that I needed stop writing her and needed to move on. My girlfriend(who I now named Tara) has a problem and if you are my friend you would understand. I tried and tried and tried to get her to stop writing me. Even stopped answering her back. My best friend(who I will now call Jack) started asking me to write her saying that she feels bad and that I am her best friend and I shouldnt leave her feeling like this. So, being the ignorant person I am I try to balance all of that and I end up losing my girlfriend, and finally just acting crazy to my best friend by writing her letters about how much I love her and that I need her, just to push her away. Because I know that by being her friend it brought me nothing but pain. Ok with all of that Drama story told I have a little more to say and then a question. I live in the South. I am from the North. I am biracial, mixed black and white. I have friends of both races but since I live in a high income part of town I know alot of white people. I really dont know that I am good, I thought I was and that I did the right thing all the time. But all that has gotten me is pain and heartbreak. My friend Jack came over to talk to me about my decision of dropping everyone I knew, he said we havent been friends in awhile because he doesnt trust me. I havent done anything for him not too. I asked him if I did and he said no. This problem has happened with all of my white friends that I have had. I havent done anything for them not to trust me, or question me at all. I have done the right thing. And even sacrificed for them so they could be happy. I dont know. I asked Jack because he is a religous man as well, if he thought he was an instrument of god. He said yes. Then I asked him if he was a good or bad instrument, from man's perspective. And he told me he didnt think of it that way. I have noticed that even though I have morals and a good judgement of choices and decisions, that it seems to drive people away. Causing them to question my every action. I am constantly searching for the truth and I no believe that even though I am a moral man, that I might be an evil instrument in god's plan. I only bring destruction and chaos where I go. And even thought sometimes I do Justice, it only makes things worse. The day my girlfriend left was the day I died. The old me is now gone and I dont really have any emotions towards any of the friends I had. My morals are still here, but the person I was is gone. I am now selfish. Keeping to myself, making sure that I come on top. And I sleep at night now. No stress. More relaxed. I'm thinking that I was fighting the river the whole time. That maybe, just maybe, I am an evil person. Or just put here to cause chaos. Its a struggle because in MA I have always been very honorable, but now I question that honor. Why do I have to be? With that said, I publish this to the forum, asking if it is possible to be a christian man, but have an evil destiny? Noone confronts me, people are afraid. Of course I am 6'0 250 pound brown guy! But still, noone does. I am told they dont because when I take a stand its always right. Not right for anyone, but just right. But thats gone. So does anyone or has anyone had this struggle before? And if not, any advice, or thought, opinion or even a debate would be nice. Because of the possibility of good, I have to think that I could just as easily be bad. Your thoughts, please.