Good and Evil. Searching for truth.

[Deflecting_the_Storm]

Since I have found God I have always based my life on doing whats right. Not whats right for me. With that choice a constant so far in my life I have began to cause alot of disruption among the people I know and especially the many MA friends I have. I have lost nearly all of my friends due to my rule which is no Liars, Thieves, or rapists are allowed around me. People who intentionally due things to get themselves ahead in life. All of this started at the beginning of this year, and now as we draw to a close I see that all of the people I used to consider family I have ostrasized by choice. Mainly because I will confront them with the problem and they just cant handle the confrontation. I currently have a friend in the prison system. She was like family to me. My best friend and I have been writing her these last few months giving her support. She and I were real close and I knew that my friend wanted to have an relationship with her. I have been trying for the last 5 years to get them together. We are young kids, not really knowing what a relationship was. She has denied him that till now. Of course, because she has noone else. I myself have a girlfriend who l am in love with. Her and my girlfriend dont get along. They have only met once and it was a nasty event. I tried to tell my friend in prison(who I will now call Jane) that I needed stop writing her and needed to move on. My girlfriend(who I now named Tara) has a problem and if you are my friend you would understand. I tried and tried and tried to get her to stop writing me. Even stopped answering her back. My best friend(who I will now call Jack) started asking me to write her saying that she feels bad and that I am her best friend and I shouldnt leave her feeling like this. So, being the ignorant person I am I try to balance all of that and I end up losing my girlfriend, and finally just acting crazy to my best friend by writing her letters about how much I love her and that I need her, just to push her away. Because I know that by being her friend it brought me nothing but pain. Ok with all of that Drama story told I have a little more to say and then a question. I live in the South. I am from the North. I am biracial, mixed black and white. I have friends of both races but since I live in a high income part of town I know alot of white people. I really dont know that I am good, I thought I was and that I did the right thing all the time. But all that has gotten me is pain and heartbreak. My friend Jack came over to talk to me about my decision of dropping everyone I knew, he said we havent been friends in awhile because he doesnt trust me. I havent done anything for him not too. I asked him if I did and he said no. This problem has happened with all of my white friends that I have had. I havent done anything for them not to trust me, or question me at all. I have done the right thing. And even sacrificed for them so they could be happy. I dont know. I asked Jack because he is a religous man as well, if he thought he was an instrument of god. He said yes. Then I asked him if he was a good or bad instrument, from man's perspective. And he told me he didnt think of it that way. I have noticed that even though I have morals and a good judgement of choices and decisions, that it seems to drive people away. Causing them to question my every action. I am constantly searching for the truth and I no believe that even though I am a moral man, that I might be an evil instrument in god's plan. I only bring destruction and chaos where I go. And even thought sometimes I do Justice, it only makes things worse. The day my girlfriend left was the day I died. The old me is now gone and I dont really have any emotions towards any of the friends I had. My morals are still here, but the person I was is gone. I am now selfish. Keeping to myself, making sure that I come on top. And I sleep at night now. No stress. More relaxed. I'm thinking that I was fighting the river the whole time. That maybe, just maybe, I am an evil person. Or just put here to cause chaos. Its a struggle because in MA I have always been very honorable, but now I question that honor. Why do I have to be? With that said, I publish this to the forum, asking if it is possible to be a christian man, but have an evil destiny? Noone confronts me, people are afraid. Of course I am 6'0 250 pound brown guy! But still, noone does. I am told they dont because when I take a stand its always right. Not right for anyone, but just right. But thats gone. So does anyone or has anyone had this struggle before? And if not, any advice, or thought, opinion or even a debate would be nice. Because of the possibility of good, I have to think that I could just as easily be bad. Your thoughts, please.

 

[Feisty Mouse]

You put a lot of things in your post, and some of it I'm not sure I followed very well. It seems that you are trying to figure out what to do next in life - is that right? It doesn't sound like you want to change - that you are happy with yourself now, but have lost a lot of people close to you.

I would do my best to care for the people I love, imperfect though they may be. As we all know, no-one is perfect, and, from a religious standpoint, no-one is without some sort of flaw/sin. I would try to continue to maintain relationships that are important to you, even if the other person isn't living their life as you would live it. Of course, if someone does something that is truly abhorrent to you, I'd talk to them about it, or stop associating with them.

There's a quote I have somewhere, I'll have to dig it out so it's correct, but it's about judging others less harshly than we judge ourselves. Perhaps other people you know are not on the same path you are - but that doesn't mean you have to jettison them from your life.

As for being good or evil or an "instrument of God" - I don't think we are the ones to judge that.

 

[someguy]

It soundd like you have alot on your mind.

For me if I have had a friend for along time and some one tries to get in the way of that I won't listen. I don't care if it's a girl friend or who ever. If they really love you they will understand and accept it. Allways try to keep frineds unless they become bad for you(well this isn't quite what I'm trying to say. My mind is dead as usual)
I guess this isn't really your question though.

Is man evil? I can't say that man is. Maybe man does some evil things.
http://www.martialtalk.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12437&highlight=evil
This may be of some intrest to you. Some where in there evil is brought up along with free will and fate and what not. I don't know how much I have said that's worth any thing to you but I doubt you are evil even if you may have made wrong choices. I can't say because I don't really know you or anything and it isn't my job judge.
Don't know if thats worth anything but there it is.

 

[Shodan]

Sounds to me like your heart is in the right place and that you are trying to do the right thing.......that's what's important. Not everyone is going to like their sins, immoral behavior, or what have you thrust back into their face.......maybe try a more gentle approach and accept people where they are. As someone else said, not everyone will see things as you do now on your new path in life- especially if you have really changed a lot from when they knew you before.....again- try to meet people where they are in life- you can't change everyone, but you can be there as a friend, give advice when asked, etc. Some of these people may be even curioius enough when they see you happy, doing things the right way, etc, to inquire about the change in you- that is your opportunity to share with them your newfound peace. Maybe dropping some of these people from your life was a good thing- if they were poisining you in some way or hindering your path in life.....but you can also have/keep friends in your life who aren't perfect (none of us are)- love them where they are and keep sticking to your own set of morals, beliefs for you.

As to if you are evil or not......I don't think so. From what I've read- you are trying to do the right thing for you and for those around you- keep on keepin' on......sounds like you are doing your best- just maybe ease up a bit on focusing so much on "the speck in your neighbor's eye".

Hope a little bit of this helps.......

:asian: :karate:

 

[loki09789]

Even if your a religious/christian person, there are two 'paths' that you can take, your way and 'Gods' way. Now that doesn't mean that you are fated and your life is mapped out. It just means that if you are on the "God's way" then your choices will move you in a direction of development that fulfills God's hope for you. Will you make mistakes along that way? You betcha. Does that mean that your 'evil?' No.

Christians of all demoninations acknowledge the 'free will' aspect, so as long as you freely choose to stay on a Godly path (what ever that exactly means for you) and even how you deal with the mistakes and bad choices along the way is done within that framework, your moving in "God's path" but it is a personally chosen alignment to that path.

In simpler terms it comes down to self fulfilled prophecy: If you think you're a duck, you will act like a duck.....

If you think you are evil, then you will permit yourself to do evil acts because...well your evil. That also means that you are refusing any redemption to happen though.

Evil is a motive, mistakes are human.

"I went to the Doctor and said 'Hey Doc, it hurts when I do this.' He said 'So don't do that!' and charged me for the appointment...now who is evil in that parable?"

 

[Andrew Green]

One suggestion - Using the enter key every now and then will make long posts much easier to read...

 

[Feisty Mouse]

I couldn't find the quote I was looking for, which is from a saint, but I did find this, which hopefully will give you some solace or encouragement.

Mark (12:29-31), "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might" also, "thou shalt love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandments greater than these." (cf Deut. 6:4,5; Lev. 19:18).

 

[Feisty Mouse]

OK, OK, I found it! I love this quote.

"Have the heart of a son towards God, the mind of a judge toward yourself, and toward your neighbor the heart of a mother." - Elder Cleopa of Romania

 

[LateBloomer]

DtS, there is so much there in your post that I had to read up on your profile and your other posts so I can get a sense of who you are as a person. I find you intelligent and honorable.

I have not gone through the same experience as you have so I am no expert. I do want to reach out and hug you...that's what I would do when I meet people like you (in life as opposed to cyberspace) who are wounded and feel lost.

Have you been a Christian for very long? I have a sense that the answer is no. If this is the case, you are perhaps making the same mistakes many new 'believers' make; being over zealous. Now that the spirit of God is in you, you recognize sin whereever you go. This is a good thing. Remember to love the person and hate the sin. Do not point out the sin until the spirit of God tells you to. Instead, set an example for others and only tell them why you are different when they ask you (this is how you know they are ready to listen).

You need to make new friends that share the same faith and values as you do for fellowship, encouragement, support and counseling. I believe you need to keep in touch with those less than honorable friends but not participate or condone their less than honorable acts. Pray about which, if any, of the friendships that you have alienated should be renewed (with an apology for your mistakes).

You, my friend, do not have an evil destiny, I don't know you and I know this with certainty. You did not say whether you have pray about this or talked to God about it. If you have, please share what answers you are getting and how you received your answers.

I don't know if you have heard of this saying "preach the gospel and if necessary, use words". This Christian life you have chosen is not an easy one as you have discovered. Do not give up, for we shall reap a reward if we do not give up.

Doing justice is not for you and me; that's God's job. Perhaps this is where you went wrong. Do the will of God, not justice.

 

[Deflecting_the_Storm]

Thank you very much for your words. Talking to god with this is difficult. I have been a christian for a long time. The justice part, I dont do. I just do the right thing. Be it gods will. The justice comes to those people who do wrong from God. I cant punish them, he will. I just am at my wits end. I still cant begin to say that I dont know if I am. Losing all of those around me, those with faith and those who do not, I feel that I was a friend to them for some reason. I connected everyone to everyone. I was the only friend to alot of people who had no friends. And they all hung out together. As far as my friend in prison. Thats a whole other story. I loved her very much. She was and still is a good person, one who has made bad choices. I can take the pain, and the sadness, that these other people could never take even on their good day. I dont think I am better than any of these people, and I dont hold them to a higher standard, or my standard. I hold them to theres. I have held these people to their standard and they have fallen short of their own goals. Then they are angry at me for telling them what is wrong, after they ask me! I dont point fingers, or pass judgements. I give them answers. And when its not what they want to hear, its my fault. I dont think I am evil or have an evil destiny, but maybe I create chaos and anger where I go, and I suppose to. I know alot of people especially secular people like to use the only piece of scripture they know. Judge not least ye be judge. But they dont finish it. Judge not least ye be judge, by the same judgement you judge by. I dont have a problem with that. I am ready to go. I am right with god. I have asked for forgiveness, I know where I am going when I die. People say that because they feel guilty and try to play the whole noone is better than me card, its not about whos better, its about right and wrong. I am ready to be judged. They arent. I fight for what I believe in, they dont. I know I am wrong in alot of things in my life, but when it comes to this, I havent been. I am trying to do the right thing but when I do it only the bad happens. I dont know, confusing as it is, this is how my life is everyday.

 

[LateBloomer]

My friend Jack came over to talk to me about my decision of dropping everyone I knew, he said we havent been friends in awhile because he doesnt trust me. I havent done anything for him not to. I asked him if I did and he said no. This problem has happened with all of my white friends that I have had. I havent done anything for them not to trust me, or question me at all. I have done the right thing. And even sacrificed for them so they could be happy. I dont know.

I asked Jack because he is a religous man as well, if he thought he was an instrument of god. He said yes. Then I asked him if he was a good or bad instrument, from man's perspective. And he told me he didnt think of it that way. I have noticed that even though I have morals and a good judgement of choices and decisions, that it seems to drive people away. Causing them to question my every action.

DtS, I feel your pain. You are depressed right now because the world you worked so hard to build crumbled around you.

There is no way anyone who isn't close to you to know what the root of the problem is. Several possibilities are that:
1. God is preparing a new direction for your life (i.e. you haven't done anything wrong)
2. God is trying to get your attention (i.e. you've been doing something that is not God's will)
3. There is something God wants you to change (i.e. you could be a better instrument of God)

Take this time to seek God's peace. Time alone with God is what nourishes us. I suggest regular sessions with your friend Jack who seems mature and knows you and your situation. Humble yourself and ask him what he thinks the matter is. Do not argue or defend yourself, only listen for his answer. Then think about what he says and ask God for discernment.

"May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Thes 5:23

 

[Deflecting_the_Storm]

I have talked to him, just me and him. And he has no answer for me. I ask him why he feels this way, he has no clue. He doesnt know at all. I really dont feel depressed, its a why is everyone against me? The only thing I can think of is I have done something wrong before to deserve this. I am willing to take the responsiblities for my actions, but the reason that everyone has felt this way, I cant understand. When I pray about it, I find that its been like this for a long time. That these people have always looked down on me, or needed me for something other than just to be friends. They have always felt this way about me. Its like they are friends with me when ithe the bad part of their life. But when the good comes along, they are too good for me. I thought of this theory awhile back, that some people only have friends for two reasons. They enjoy their company, or they keep them around to make them look better. Very shallow when you think about it, but I think alot of people do this just to say, "hey at least I'm not like them". It boosts their own ego. I really dont think I am better than others. I feel that alot of people are better than me. I surrond myself with people who are selfish and fickle, and yet I respect different results? Too much I think. God says have faith in him. Not in man, for its bound to fail. And God is right. Faith in him only.

 

[LateBloomer]

Wow, DtS, that's very good insight. I suspect, right from the start, that you do know (or have a fairly good idea) of what the problem is but needed to express them in writing to bring out the clarity; I do the same myself.

It may be that you need to move on; there is a season for everything. After grieving for your loss (of all those friends), look forward to a new beginning. I think God has something better for you.

God says have faith in him. Not in man, for its bound to fail. And God is right. Faith in him only.

Amen!

 

[markulous]

You kinda sound like me not too long ago dude. Buddhism and my martial arts teacher helped me a lot with this though and a lot of those issues I had that were similar to yours are behind me.

One of the main reasons your around those people that have kinda screwed you over is because of you. You need to stop worrying about all those questions you have and they will work themselves out.

Here is a quote for you from I believe it was Buddha(I am probably wrong though): "The sword that is sharp cannot cut itself." Can you turn a sword upon itself? No of course not. In that same sense you can't turn your mind upon itself and fix things. You have to let it sort itself out, and it will mend all by itself. It's quite amazing actually.

I thought I had confidence but I really didn't have as much as I thought I did and that's why I think I kept getting the bad friends I have got in the past. When you are depressed or don't exude confidence you get the same kind of people around you. Whether they are enemies or "friends" they're probably going to screw you one way or another.

And I know it's hard to exude confidence when you question everyones motives around you and your own motives. But you just gotta let everything go. And also not be afraid to be a dick sometimes. And trust me all those people that are like those people that were your "friends" will be scared and not try to be your "friend". And you'll start to attract people that are "good" and reliable.

Don't be concerned either with good or bad. Good or bad is like anything in this world, it's all up to a matter of perception. As long as you are honest to yourself and the people around you, it's hard not to be "good".

Sorry if I was too "do this do that" or preachy because no person can tell you how to live your life but you. It's just I have been in that boat man and it's not fun.

 

[Adept]

I may not be getting the whole picture, but it seems to me you are somewhay unhappy because your life, and the results you see around you, are not measuring up to your expectations.

This may not be a popular response, but perhaps it is time for you to question your faith? Maybe following the christian religion is doing nothing but destroying the relationships around you. It is still possible to maintain a moral compass outside of god, but it is easier to do so sice you can set your own bearings that way. Now, I'm not telling you to abandon christianity (before everyone jumps down my throat) I simply think it might be a good time to take a long hard look at yourself and the world around you, and possibly accept the fact that maybe you have been wrong all this time. Maybe there isnt a god, or maybe if there is then you have been following him in the wrong way, or maybe if there is than we have all got it a little bit mistaken about him.

Take the time to question, and find the answers that work for you.