Feeling Intimidated! How to handle it??!

[Corporal Hicks]

There are many phsychological aspects involved with a confrontation but I was thinking about something that has been bothered me even before a confrontation starts and this is intimidation and lack of self esteem and confidence.

In the town I live in, there are quite a few yobs and those who seem to like to pick fights at every avaiable oppotunity, granted that it is quite quiet compared to some towns but still you have to weary (as with anywhere I guess).
The thing that gets to be, is that I feel intimidated by these yobs, that I feel inside I seem to sterotype certain people into automatically being 'these types' of people.
It takes alot to say and I guess I'm actually scared of these people even though somewhere inside I knew that if it came to it I could defend myself. I feel intimidated by them and I think this generally comes from a lack of self esteem and self confidence that I have been plagued with for a long time.
What bothers me is that soon I will be training to be a police officer, first a university and then actually on the beat and yet I still feel intimidated by these people, I have had no first hand experience but I seriously want to learn this, how to handle situations, be confident and be able to walk out my local supermarket and not feel threatened by some punk from my year who I know given that I look at him he is likely to start a fight?!

I know this is purely a pyschological aspect but how do you guys control the situation. I know that it should be you who controlls the situation both situationally and mentally but how do you do this, I appreciate any replies but especially from Police and other security officers, bouncers etc. Do you not feel intimidated by others, especially criminals or guys causing trouble? How do you deal with it?

I'm not generally somebody, as others have told me also, who comes across as the victim type, but I've been bordering on adopting a 'hard' type attitude however I feel this conflicts with my buddhism on not feeding my ego, is this possible, to give this correct outlook?

Replies really appreciated!
Regards
Nick

 

[TonyM.]

I imagine people that try to intimidate me sitting on the john with their pants around their ankles. Always brings a smile to my face. I also plan my next three moves if necessary.

 

[oldnewbie]

I imagine people that try to intimidate me sitting on the john with their pants around their ankles. Always brings a smile to my face...................

Oh, my.... I'm still wiping my eyes... that made me laugh out loud!!!

I too felt the intimidation... have most my life, as I never was one to get into fights growing up. Always found a way to walk away, or de-fuse the situation.

Training in martial arts was a way to build my confindence. It has. So should yours...Confidence in your ability and ego are not the same thing. Nor should they be.

For what it's worth...

 

[Floating Egg]

It's important to take responsibility for your emotions. Another person can't make you afraid; only you can do that, and like anything where fear is involved, information is your greatest ally.

I recommend the following books:

The Gift of Fear
Emotional Vampires : Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

 

[BlackCatBonz]

i always had a fear of drunk people......and this was due to the way i was brought up. i was always uncomfortable around them. i was the youngest child in my family, i was picked on growing up.....and it was hard to deal with situations when i was out of my comfort zone by even a little bit.
i changed this by changing the way i do things, and forcing myself into uncomfortable situations and dealing with the uncomfortable bits as they happened.
i was afraid of speaking or performing publicly.......i joined a band and performed in bars and some large venues and i even sang.
i became a doorman in a club......eventually becoming head doorman.
being a buddhist does not mean being afraid.......or not being allowed to adopt an attitude. ive followed buddhism for 14 years and what it has done is allowed me to tolerate and accept.....but in no way does it hinder my ability to act in the manner needed.
when you're in a situation.....you need to act the leader even if inside you're feeling less than up to the task. tell your emotions that you're in control.....not them.
its important to take an active approach to your subconcious by programming it. it only gives back what you give it.
i hope this helps

 

[OC Kid]

Feeling Intimidated is a natural human response. But there is a couple of different types of feelings. The fight or flight feelings are normal. Everytime I got into the ring I was scarred and intimidated. Everytime I went to a tournament and fought I was intimidated.
Its how you handle it.

Respect for your enemy is wise and smart. Over confidence can in some cases kill you.

 

[still learning]

Hello, This may help you work with the Intimidations. Read " The gift of Fear" by Gavin De BEcker. (MUST READ)

Another great author and real life experiences is " Marc the Animal Macyoung" he has several books and all of them has use full information for you. He was a bouncer for many years and a street fighter.

He mention in one of his books he always get bufferflies before each confrontation. (Scare) , but once the fight starts reactions kicks in. No two fights are the same. "GET his books!!

In your field you may want to read - Verbal judo, tongue fu and others like these books.

Good luck in your new career......Aloha (also you may want to train in JUDO) check it out!

 

[MA-Caver]

As it's been pointed out intimidation is an off shoot of fear. Now we canna get rid of it all but we can control it.
Thing is with fear/intimidation a lot of people don't seem to realize that they, like any other emotion can be chosen.
It takes practice and it does take confidence. Confidence and self-esteem and the ability to trust in yourself comes from within. You're the only one who can decide to let those yobs intimidate you or not.
Stand up for yourself but don't be stupid by getting into whatever they may goad you to do. Choose your battles. Trust in yourself.

It all comes from within... to be afraid/intimidated or not.

 

[Corporal Hicks]

Thanks for the replies guys, some interesting stuff there, definately I can relate to.
I'm sure one fear is that I will get knocked to the floor, or that I will never see their punch/s coming, or simply that they will be too quick for me, strut to fast into my face, so that I just dont react, then BANG, down I go.
One thing that really gets to me is when people start to push, wanting to be in the Police means I have to watch my step as it could be held against me. Them pushing me and me lashing out at them could end up with it being held against me, flooring them wouldnt be too bad, but still I run that risk. Its best to avoid, and run away but one day, got to be prepared when that isnt possible, say when with family or/and friends. That, I think is the fear, not having a good enough defence!
Cheers for replies!
Kind Regards

 

[MA-Caver]

Thanks for the replies guys, some interesting stuff there, definately I can relate to.
I'm sure one fear is that I will get knocked to the floor, or that I will never see their punch/s coming, or simply that they will be too quick for me, strut to fast into my face, so that I just dont react, then BANG, down I go.
One thing that really gets to me is when people start to push, wanting to be in the Police means I have to watch my step as it could be held against me. Them pushing me and me lashing out at them could end up with it being held against me, flooring them wouldnt be too bad, but still I run that risk. Its best to avoid, and run away but one day, got to be prepared when that isnt possible, say when with family or/and friends. That, I think is the fear, not having a good enough defence!
Cheers for replies!
Kind Regards

Thing is that you can never be 100% prepared for everything. If you are then you're living in paranoia. That's isn't the best place to be. You'll never trust anyone or anything or any place. How will you live.
One of the advices that I've gotten was to expect nothing and expect the unexpected. It can and might happen those things you fear. Expect it on the acceptance level. Meaning; some guy behind you manages to push you hard enough to throw you off balance and to the ground. You're lying there and the first thought in your mind should be "move!" React and try you damnest to get back up again and into a stance that'll prepare you for the next attack. If the guy is on top of you, again react and try your damnest to be the one on top of him instead.
Afterwards, however it turns out analyze carefully and look for your mistakes and work on those in your dojo.
Increase your awarenss but relax and enjoy life. Be as ready as possible and be confident in what you can do.
:idunno: Two bit wisdom is the only other thing I got left to offer. :asian:

 

[sgtmac_46]

There are many phsychological aspects involved with a confrontation but I was thinking about something that has been bothered me even before a confrontation starts and this is intimidation and lack of self esteem and confidence.

In the town I live in, there are quite a few yobs and those who seem to like to pick fights at every avaiable oppotunity, granted that it is quite quiet compared to some towns but still you have to weary (as with anywhere I guess).
The thing that gets to be, is that I feel intimidated by these yobs, that I feel inside I seem to sterotype certain people into automatically being 'these types' of people.
It takes alot to say and I guess I'm actually scared of these people even though somewhere inside I knew that if it came to it I could defend myself. I feel intimidated by them and I think this generally comes from a lack of self esteem and self confidence that I have been plagued with for a long time.
What bothers me is that soon I will be training to be a police officer, first a university and then actually on the beat and yet I still feel intimidated by these people, I have had no first hand experience but I seriously want to learn this, how to handle situations, be confident and be able to walk out my local supermarket and not feel threatened by some punk from my year who I know given that I look at him he is likely to start a fight?!

I know this is purely a pyschological aspect but how do you guys control the situation. I know that it should be you who controlls the situation both situationally and mentally but how do you do this, I appreciate any replies but especially from Police and other security officers, bouncers etc. Do you not feel intimidated by others, especially criminals or guys causing trouble? How do you deal with it?

I'm not generally somebody, as others have told me also, who comes across as the victim type, but I've been bordering on adopting a 'hard' type attitude however I feel this conflicts with my buddhism on not feeding my ego, is this possible, to give this correct outlook?

Replies really appreciated!
Regards
Nick

You've got to look at fear as a motivating force, especially as a police officer. Keep in mind what fear was designed for.
However, one thing you have to do is learn to channel fear in to controlled aggression. If you want to be a police officer you have to understand that you don't have the option of dealing with fear like the general public does. They have a duty and an obligation to retreat from violence if possible, therefore they have the option of fight or flight. You are commanded to confront violence.

That doesn't mean that you can't tactically retreat, but it does mean that under the right circumstances you must confront violent situations headon. Criminals attempt to intimidate police officers. You will deal with men who will taunt you and bait you, who will do their best to visibly shake you by their words and their actions.

What you need to do is study aggression and all it's types. You need to talk with people who deal with aggression on a daily basis. You need to develop a controlled aggressive mindset yourself. Which means you can't take the typical self-defense mindset which says "You should ALWAYS try to avoid a confrontation if at all possible, even if you have to walk away from it." A police officer doesn't have the option of just "walking away" as you have the obligation to enforce the law and protect the public, sometimes mean that you place your physical well-being in jeopardy.

Soon you'll come to understand that aggression is really just a game. It's a game of human responses and what triggers them. You'll also understand that YOU must control and dominate every confrontation, or someone else will.

You'll also come to understand that as a police officer you can't think in terms of "defending myself" but in terms of physically controlling resisting subjects. Prey animals defend themselves. You have to utilize certain predatory aspects, at least in the sense that you stalk your prey and seek to utilize techniques through stealth and deception (I don't mean you eat the suspects). For example, if I think someone is going to resist arrest, I trick them in to the handcuffs. Sometimes I just tell them that i'm going to check their pockets for weapons. They don't know their under arrest until the handcuffs click on and it's too late to resist. "Undetected movement for total surprise on the enemy" is my motto.

You also need to learn the difference between "Predatory aggression" or "Instrumental Aggression" on the part of suspects, and the various types of "Defensive aggression" or "Social Aggression", and you need to be able to be able to identify these types when you see them.

Most of the "Yobs" as you refer seek to intimidate and dominate weaker people through their violence for the purposes of increasing their social standing within the group. They do not want a real fight, as losing will lower their social standing. They, therefore, only seek to fight those they are sure they can win against. Conversly, however, if you overtly insult them they may respond to defend their ego.

The goal for you is to carry yourself as a person who is competent physically, while treating others with respect. The old "Walk softly but carry a big stick" concept comes to mind. You need to develop a mindset of "quiet intensity". Meet the eye contact of everyone, acknowledge them, look through them, especially those who try to intimidate you.

You should study men who have successfully dealt with violence, both historically and contemporarily. Study what aspects of their personalities and tactics made them successful, and attempt to incorperate any lessons you learn.

Of course you don't have develop a 'hard' type attitude. Buddhism, especially Zen Buddhism, is a perfect source for developing the appropriate attitude. Remember that the Samurai embraced Zen. Why? Because one of the most fearful men in any confrontation is he who engages in it with calm, cool, deliberation. The idea of "No mindedness" is a good place to start when developing a philosophy toward violence. Buddhism seeks to free us from desire and fear. It might be a good starting point for alleviating your own fears.

That's about all I have to say. Take what's useful (if anything), discard the rest.

"Forget about winning or losing, forget about pride and pain;let your opponent graze your skin and you smash into his flesh; let him smash into your flesh and you fracture his bones; let him fracture your bones and you take his life! Do not be concerned with your escapting safely. Lay your life before him!"
Bruce Lee "Tao of Jeet Kune Do"
or
""We all want to live. And in large part we make our logic according to what we like. But not having attained our aim and continuing to live is cowardice. This is a thin dangerous line. To die without gaining one's aim IS a dog's death and fanaticism. But there is no shame in this. This is the substance of the Way of the Samurai. If by setting one's heart right every morning and evening, one is able to live as though his body were already dead, he gains freedom in the Way. His whole life will be without blame, and he will succeed in his calling."
Hagakure-"Way of the Samurai"

 

[Corporal Hicks]

Thanks sgtmac_46, that was a fantastic post, that was very informative and I've actually printed some of it out to use a reference. You spoke about the different types of predatory attitudes that you should begin to notice, I guess this will just come with experience. Would you suggest, I believe as others have, before I go into the police, placing myself, not in direct confrontation but putting myself in uncomfortable situations where I have to face the emotions and flight and fight ANS system responses? Would that be advisable?!

Bodily language must say alot? Can making eye contact not provoke a fight? I know its happened to me before, having made continuous eye contact resulted in the other saying "problem mate? are you starting" followed by me walking away with a "no mate no problem, whatever!"?

Regards

 

[rupton]

There are many phsychological aspects involved with a confrontation but I was thinking about something that has been bothered me even before a confrontation starts and this is intimidation and lack of self esteem and confidence.

In the town I live in, there are quite a few yobs and those who seem to like to pick fights at every avaiable oppotunity, granted that it is quite quiet compared to some towns but still you have to weary (as with anywhere I guess).
The thing that gets to be, is that I feel intimidated by these yobs, that I feel inside I seem to sterotype certain people into automatically being 'these types' of people.
It takes alot to say and I guess I'm actually scared of these people even though somewhere inside I knew that if it came to it I could defend myself. I feel intimidated by them and I think this generally comes from a lack of self esteem and self confidence that I have been plagued with for a long time.
What bothers me is that soon I will be training to be a police officer, first a university and then actually on the beat and yet I still feel intimidated by these people, I have had no first hand experience but I seriously want to learn this, how to handle situations, be confident and be able to walk out my local supermarket and not feel threatened by some punk from my year who I know given that I look at him he is likely to start a fight?!

I know this is purely a pyschological aspect but how do you guys control the situation. I know that it should be you who controlls the situation both situationally and mentally but how do you do this, I appreciate any replies but especially from Police and other security officers, bouncers etc. Do you not feel intimidated by others, especially criminals or guys causing trouble? How do you deal with it?

I'm not generally somebody, as others have told me also, who comes across as the victim type, but I've been bordering on adopting a 'hard' type attitude however I feel this conflicts with my buddhism on not feeding my ego, is this possible, to give this correct outlook?

Replies really appreciated!
Regards
Nick

Nick, I wouldn't worry to much about feeling intimidated. I have been and will continue to feel intimidated by certain things until the day I die as will everyone else drawing a breath. A short list:

• School bullies
• My first MA class
• My first board break
• High School
  
• My Shodan test
• Boot camp
• Gas chamber
• Combat training
• Returning to the "real" world
• The birth of my children
• First mortgage

I think the point I'm trying to make, albeit badly, is that there always things that intimidate you differently whether people or things. Taking a hard line attitude toward life doesn't make it any better or easier to deal with it, it just makes you a sad shell of a man, who interestingly enough is still intimidated by the same things. The way I handle the situation? Concentrate and focus on the task at hand. Do what needs to be done in spite of the intimidation. I have also found that this is the best way to gain the confidence and self-esteem that you are looking for. Just my $.02, take it for what it's worth to you my friend.

 

[sgtmac_46]

Thanks sgtmac_46, that was a fantastic post, that was very informative and I've actually printed some of it out to use a reference. You spoke about the different types of predatory attitudes that you should begin to notice, I guess this will just come with experience. Would you suggest, I believe as others have, before I go into the police, placing myself, not in direct confrontation but putting myself in uncomfortable situations where I have to face the emotions and flight and fight ANS system responses? Would that be advisable?!

Bodily language must say alot? Can making eye contact not provoke a fight? I know its happened to me before, having made continuous eye contact resulted in the other saying "problem mate? are you starting" followed by me walking away with a "no mate no problem, whatever!"?

Regards

As far as eye-contact, it depends on the manner in which it is done. If you try and make a false show of staring others down in an ego based display, you may provoke a confrontation. However, acknowledging anothers presence without fear is useful in preventing attacks. This is a look that is devoid of emotion or ego, a mere appraisal of the other person.

As far as confrontations before going in to law enforcement, I would stay out of street brawls if possible. Criminal records don't impress police departments. What I would do, however, is begin training in a high-impact sport, such as boxing. Most boxers are not afraid of street brawls. Why? Because they have been hit, repeatedly, by far tougher men than 99.9% of the people they will encounter on the street. True, calm, confidence is far more effective than exaggerated false bravado.

Street violence is like any other game, the more experience you have in a related area, the less fearful it is. It is fearful because we don't understand it. Fear of the unknown is far greater most of the time than what you will actually encounter. That's why street violence holds so much fear and fascination for most people. However, mastering as many aspects as possible about street violence will reduce the variables, and therefore, reduce the fear. Exposure and familiarity to at least extreme violence on a controlled level, such as in a boxing ring, will lower your fear on the street.

That having been said, is there ever a way to guarantee victory every time? Of course not, but that's the wrong question. The only way at all to win is to not consider winning or losing. Make no distinction between the two. Simply act, and empty your mind of any thoughts of the future or the past in the action. They slow the mind and it's appropriate response down. Once you've committed to an action, wondering about whether it will succeed or fail is a waste of time and energy and may guarantee failure. Once you've committed to an action, you should pursue it with resolve.

How does this work in action? Well, i'll tell you. I can remember several confrontations on the street where I felt at absolute peace while fighting with a suspect to get him under control. I felt as if I had all the time in the world. The whole fight lasted less than 30 to 45 seconds, but it felt like 5 minutes. It also felt like we were both moving in slow motion. I felt like a spectator, my body knew what to do, and I just sat back and let the actions perform themselves. It was a truly zen moment.

Do I ever feel fear in those situations? Yes, the moment before it begins i'm often very afraid. Sometimes my hands begin to shake before a confrontation, and my heart pounds in my chest. Why is this? It's because my mind is in turmoil. I have a choice of several paths...I can flee, I can beg, I can fight, I can do nothing, my mind is confused and I don't respond with resolve.

The irony is that once I make a decision and pass the point of no return, and the conflict begins, I no longer have any fear. In the midst of it I never feel fear, I never feel anything, I just am. That is what you want to aspire to. That only comes from the right training with the right mindset. Don't try to fight the fear, just try to co-exist with it. That is why the Samurai were taught to meditate on death. It was to make death so common place in the mind of the Samurai that he no longer feared it. Learn to live with violence. Learn to co-exist with it, without being conquered by it. Then you can be at peace with it. Nothing more zen than that.

I've known and read about many men who were in mortal combat. Many of them tell of being extremly afraid before the fighting began. But when the first shots were fired, and they knew they had passed the point of no return, something inside them took over and they did the job. Study those men, they have a lot to teach you.

 

[Adept]

I remember reading this a while ago:

"Fear is like fire. A little keeps you alive and warm. Too much destroys you."

 

[Corporal Hicks]

As far as eye-contact, it depends on the manner in which it is done. If you try and make a false show of staring others down in an ego based display, you may provoke a confrontation. However, acknowledging anothers presence without fear is useful in preventing attacks. This is a look that is devoid of emotion or ego, a mere appraisal of the other person.

As far as confrontations before going in to law enforcement, I would stay out of street brawls if possible. Criminal records don't impress police departments. What I would do, however, is begin training in a high-impact sport, such as boxing. Most boxers are not afraid of street brawls. Why? Because they have been hit, repeatedly, by far tougher men than 99.9% of the people they will encounter on the street. True, calm, confidence is far more effective than exaggerated false bravado.

Street violence is like any other game, the more experience you have in a related area, the less fearful it is. It is fearful because we don't understand it. Fear of the unknown is far greater most of the time than what you will actually encounter. That's why street violence holds so much fear and fascination for most people. However, mastering as many aspects as possible about street violence will reduce the variables, and therefore, reduce the fear. Exposure and familiarity to at least extreme violence on a controlled level, such as in a boxing ring, will lower your fear on the street.

That having been said, is there ever a way to guarantee victory every time? Of course not, but that's the wrong question. The only way at all to win is to not consider winning or losing. Make no distinction between the two. Simply act, and empty your mind of any thoughts of the future or the past in the action. They slow the mind and it's appropriate response down. Once you've committed to an action, wondering about whether it will succeed or fail is a waste of time and energy and may guarantee failure. Once you've committed to an action, you should pursue it with resolve.

How does this work in action? Well, i'll tell you. I can remember several confrontations on the street where I felt at absolute peace while fighting with a suspect to get him under control. I felt as if I had all the time in the world. The whole fight lasted less than 30 to 45 seconds, but it felt like 5 minutes. It also felt like we were both moving in slow motion. I felt like a spectator, my body knew what to do, and I just sat back and let the actions perform themselves. It was a truly zen moment.

Do I ever feel fear in those situations? Yes, the moment before it begins i'm often very afraid. Sometimes my hands begin to shake before a confrontation, and my heart pounds in my chest. Why is this? It's because my mind is in turmoil. I have a choice of several paths...I can flee, I can beg, I can fight, I can do nothing, my mind is confused and I don't respond with resolve.

The irony is that once I make a decision and pass the point of no return, and the conflict begins, I no longer have any fear. In the midst of it I never feel fear, I never feel anything, I just am. That is what you want to aspire to. That only comes from the right training with the right mindset. Don't try to fight the fear, just try to co-exist with it. That is why the Samurai were taught to meditate on death. It was to make death so common place in the mind of the Samurai that he no longer feared it. Learn to live with violence. Learn to co-exist with it, without being conquered by it. Then you can be at peace with it. Nothing more zen than that.

I've known and read about many men who were in mortal combat. Many of them tell of being extremly afraid before the fighting began. But when the first shots were fired, and they knew they had passed the point of no return, something inside them took over and they did the job. Study those men, they have a lot to teach you.

Thanks, great post. You mean study men like the Samuri, soliders, diarys of soliders, bouncers, law enforcers, security etc etc?

What I find fascinating is that before I did Martial Arts, if somebody had started on me, I would have just thrown a punch, a noticable pathetic weak one at that too, and would have most likely been beaten.

Now that I've incorporated Martial Arts into my life and the way I fight, variables are noticed, factors come to light and the question of: these people that we are afraid of, or that intimidate and fight others, they have this element of control without even trying! They must get fight and flight ANS response as well, but they can happily start fights with people, where us as Martial Artists have to put a considerable effort in to defend ourselves. Eventually it should be innate in muscle response. The way its put with how Bruce Lee said;
'I learned martial art, a punch was just like a punch, a kick was just like a kick.'
'After I learned martial art, a punch was no longer a punch, a kick no longer a kick. Finally after I understood martial art, a punch is just like a punch, a kick just like a kick.
Therefore to not feel intimidated by others knowing that the response we may give is innate, and gives us a distinct advantage over our assialant!