Difficult conversation, ideas?

[Tames D]

Jenna,
I believe in my heart that you will be better than ever after your surgery. Take your son in your arms and tell him that you love him. Tell him the truth as you know it and treat him like the man that he is becoming. He'll not only respect you for it but he will love you more for it.
You guys need each other.

 

[Jenna]

Oh my goodness thank you all for taking your time to present your thoughts. I am more grateful than you would know. THank youall again, I do not like drawing this out any more and but I do not like either leaving these without reply if only to say thank youso forgive me for taking up space unnecessarily it is just to say thank you..

@Steve, thank you for your rationality, it is very welcome. You have made a very clear analysis which I appreciate because clarity and people to provide a clear lens that is what I am lacking so thank you very much for this. Practically and legally yes, I am necessarily well prepared a long time ago. All your advice I am heeding it is like rubbing mist off of a window, I think this is why you are such a wonderful dad to your children.. thankyou xox
@Flying Crane, Michael, thank you for letting me understand how this went for you, yes you retained all that internally until it was over, this I understand. I think when you are in the fight as it is perceived by your body, all non relevant things are faded out. For the fight I am good, for handling emotive things at the same time I am not so good and am here for advice in place of not having a clear head. I cannot decide if that is selfish or if I am just doing what is best. I am always grateful for your wisdom.
@Granfire, there are many comparisons you have given me to think of. And no you are not longwinded, it is all fuel in the tank for me and thank you for not being soft and for being clear thinking that is just what is needed. I understand your view of religion and I am ok with mine also and but I am happy that whatever happens to me happens to me and that is that only it is not me I am worried about and then I cannot see how him being without me is the best thing in the big plan as I imagine you know more than well with your sister. I imagine it because I can feel it between you still. Tissues yes, you are telling me what I have to do and how it is going to be. You are right, tissues, yes. Thankyou my dear friend, I am grateful to you xxx
@Rich, I remember you told me of your mom and how you acted I think is exactly how the boy is acting and I think that is showing me up for someone who is keeping him ignorant and that is the last thing I would want to do so thank you for drawing my attention to this.. it is not easy to see these things sometimes. No he has been tested when he was younger and has not inherited my faulty codes thank you for thinking of that. Be honest, yes that is it. I think being honest can mean not leaving things out also. You are right as always. Thank you my friend, it does help yes! I am in your debt, Jxo
@Shesulsa, you are a silly moo, I would not exchange a hug for a punch I would just not let go very easily at the minute and you would be tapping your foot and saying, hey ok enough already leave off I have my work to get to haha.. And anyway you are just another one who does not always acknowledge that she is a role model for someone else.. Me! Yes he knows possibilities only he is like a politician and uses figures to suit his own picture of the future and the closer it gets, the more evidence he has. I think he is very angry at me which is breaking my heart because I am angry at myself.. if he would fight me I would know what to do, and worse, I have taught him all my aiki and now emotionally he is unassailable if anyone tries to break into him and but I need him to let me in and yet I do not want to get in because his anger and worry is my fault in the first place pffft.. A just-in-case video wow yes I had not thought of that. I think in terms of who he would go to, I have always tried to provide him with decent male role models yes, he has people and he will not go wanting for money I had told him that it is just when I mention these things he either gets annoyed and will shout at me or tell me to keep my money which is not like him or he will just laugh or say whatever. You have got me to think about acting rather than thinking.. I think too much. I can see why you make such a wonderful mother you are to your son. I would have wished for a mother like you xxx
@Gemini, thank you for this, yes risks are risks, everything is a risk I had a friend at work lose his thumb on an engine lift. It is not me playing it down it is him formulating his own thing from what he reads on the stupid internet and he is not an expert to be reading these things some of them I know are medical journal abstracts and sometimes a little information can be more dangerous than no information, is this not so? Yes a plan for the future you are exactly right yes only I cannot get him to sit down with me it is worse than asking him about his girlfriend or about his sex ed.. it is worse than that because he is angry with me too. Money is fine yes, I have taken care of that and he has money for going to university because he wants to study physics I do not know what he will become. I know he will be fine with Katie she is my best friend and Godmother and there have been the three of us since the start, I just have been unable to assure him of that because he will not allow me to talk to him about it. I appreciate your taking time to put this down. I can trust you to make sense, thank you! xox
@K-Man, haha no I would not punch you anywhere Russ, punching you Goju people only hurts the fist so it is ill advised Yes you are right also, a big cuddle would be wonderful though I can only manage that nowadays if I apply an ikkyo on him. I think if I ask him for a cuddle it might work, perhaps that is a way to get him to speak with me.. thank you, that is a good suggestion, I like that. Thank you dear Russ, I am grateful for your wisdom xox
@Carol, you are absolutely right Carol and I know you have your own horrible experience of this and then so you know what is what. I hate and despise this condition with all that is in me and I would never lie down for it and that is my quote that I read and put in my signature. I say, go bleep yourself you are not having me. This is the third time they have done the mri and produced all their mappings for lasering me and they say no more after this. If it was me in the garage I would stop tinkering with the part and replace it as it is beyond repair and is risking the whole motor. Parts are rare. I am an old model haha. So I am all set I am not afraid of nobody it is just not me I am worried over. I am grateful for your thoughts and prayers Carol and if they are transferrable I would pass them to the boy. Thank you you are a strong woman always xxx
@seasoned, Wes, thank you, the courtesy you have extended me is more than appreciated. You are telling me honesty also. Sometimes it is hard to be completely honest and not leave out bits because of how that hurts someone you are being honest with. Yes I am sure you understand this. I think that is a reflection of my weakness. I am grateful for your thoughts and prayers for the boy. You are a good man and your family are lucky to have you xox
@ballen0351, thank you my friend, honesty yes I am hearing that loud and clear from all you good people. You do a dangerous job. You are in my position of risk and but you put yourself there voluntarily every day. Your children have a brave father who does a noble job. And you are right, children even if they look big or tough are still children and need what children need. Thank you for reminding me of this also. It is easy to get distracted at the periphery and miss the centre. You will do well with your aiki I am grateful for your words, thank you xox
@Tames D, ah my friend you are the one to make me cry,, ha.. yes.. we need each other that is it.. goodness that has reallybrought it on here. He is my whole entire life and I miss having my son inmy arms since he is so big.. Thank you. I will see what happens from that you are a good and clever person for this xox


Pffft.. I have had my cry and I am resolved. Thank you all from the bottom of my stupid juddering heart, mille bisous xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[frank raud]

I had that kind of conversation with my kids when they were 10 and 12. It was after a heart attack, not before surgery. I am going in for surgery to repair a deviated septum and have spoken to my kids about it as well. The heart attack was a surprise, the nasal surgery is something we have discussed for a long time. I would sugest telling your son about your condition and your surgery, answering his questions as honestly as you can. It will be a scary thing for him, but treating him as an adult in this situation with help him through it, which will help YOU through it.

 

[Chris Parker]

My dearest J,

You know my take on this.

He's worried, as he loves you. He's unsure of what the details are, as the previous surgeries have been when he was younger, and this time he's a lot more aware of what is really going on. This has lead him to do more research this time, which has gotten him worried, as it's quite a scary thing.

He's loyal to you, as he loves you. He wants to protect you and guard you, and is feeling powerless to do so. So he's trying to arm himself with knowledge about what you're about to go through (hell, I did the same thing when you had similar surgery a few years back, for much the same reasons!)

You are a strong, self-reliant individual (through experience and need, as much as personality, my lady). You cannot shield him from reality, all you can do is show him strength as an example, and allow him to show similar. Let him know that you need him as well, as you love him. Let him know that you want to protect him from such things, but sometimes all you can do is trust, have faith in the skill and care of those around you, and face things with the strength you both possess.

Don't stifle his reading, but perhaps do it together. Let him ask questions, but don't be scared if you don't have the answers.

The two of you are dedicated to each other, and that is where this gets hard, as you're both trying to protect each other. That's wonderful, and shows that the bond is strong and deep. Let him worry, as it's his way of protecting you. All you can do there is reassure him as best you can, and answer any question he has as best you can. Protecting him here by hiding information isn't what he needs, or what you need. Neither of you are going through this alone. And, as you would expect, I'm going to suggest you ask K as well... she's watching both of you at the moment, and has watched you for a number of years, so she's the best to say which advice is the best for you both. Listen to her.

Now, my lady, to you.

There is far more than just your fingers crossed that this is your last surgery, you realize! You have the collective wishes and love of this board, and more besides.

Anything you need or desire, you have but to ask.

As ever, and always.

 

[oftheherd1]

What to say? For sure nobody wants to talk about impending death of a loved one. At your son's age it is probably more discomforting than to adults, and adults don't always handle it well.

It appears to be a fairly straight forward treatment. I guess you are undergoing the procedure as the althernatives are worse? Have you explained that to your son?

I like the ideas above to let him understand you aren't planning on leaving him. That may bolster his confidence. Also, if true, let him know that after a succesful operation, you will be healtier and stronger than without it. I know that is true of heart bypass. I experienced it. I was becoming constantly run down and tired, and short of breath; until after the bypass surgery. Suddenly my heart was getting the oxygen it needed and I felt much better. I hope that will be the case for you as well.

Other than that, I think you are sort of on your own. You know your son and we don't. We can provide ideas, and some have taken the time to do so. But only you can evaluate what is likely to work best. Good luck with it. You and your son will be in my prayers.

 

[KempoGuy06]

I will try and not draw this out needlessly and but I want to express my gratitude to each of you You are all dear friends x
@KempoGuy06, dear B, ah thank you my friend for your understanding, my dad would have been the one to give those middle fingers just exactly as you have offered He was a silly billy too. Thank you for saying. You cannot know quite what that means.. Yes you are right about bs and fibbing.. though it is done with only love I promise and but you are correct, I should not be doing it at all. He would not appreciate it in the long run as you suggest. Strange, I have always subscribed to bandaid theory. I think in this case it is different as it seems as though I am pulling that bandaid off of someone else not myself if you follow. Though I think the same principle applies, yes that is true. Thank you again for such a thoughtful and objective reply. You have my gratitude x

You are welcome.

In my short time on this planted i have come to learn that not everyone is going to like me (obviously), but i have also learned that what other people think is really not all that important. The only opinion that matters is my own. If i am happy and content with what i have done and where i am in life than that is all that matters. Obviously there are arguments to this statement and blah blah whatever. You get the point, be happy with yourself and strive to be the best person you can/want to be and life will be fine.

The bandaid theory is a good one and i understand you apprehension when it comes to your son, that is normal. You want to protect him from anything and everything that will harm him whether it be physical, mental or emotional pain. Im sure that is what being a parent is all about. The downside is that you cant protect him from everything and the worst part about it is that you shouldn't. Learning to deal with those pains is what helps us grow and shapes who we are to become. None the less im sure it is very hard and emotionally taxing and no amount of words i can use will help to dampen that pain.

With that, I wish you the best. The choice is yours and yours alone and i cant make that decision for. I point back to what i say earlier, do what YOU feel is best and make sure that you can live with that decision. Right or wrong in the eyes of other makes no matter, if you are happy with your choice, than that is what matters

B

 

[Jenna]

Thank you all, I appreciate every word and I am soooooooooo grateful for your straight dope and no BS like this and so forgive me that I keep replying I am just trying to say thank you!!! and let you know that I am paying attention and your words mean something, quite a lot

@frank raud, Frank thank you for allowing me to know of your situation. I think that would have been very difficult for your children who did not know any better what was happening to poor dad. I had a boxing friend that suffered a deviated septum (among other mishaps) and when he got it fixed up his stayability was even better than before, he always said because his nose was softer he felt less if he was ever clocked there though I do not know if that is true. It will help your breathing greatly, this I know. I wish you well and thank you so much for your advice, welcome as always my friend
@Chris Parker, Christopher, what can I say you are lovely and you know how the things are. And thank you for your advice though I cannot talk with Katie properly because even as the medical qualified one she gives me the facts then I will end up having to be the one to reassure her because she is just nothing more than a big kid too most times. We are horribly dysfunctional you know Yes, you are right, he is protective only this is one he cannot protect me against because he cannot get a hold of it only that is not the thing, he is too young and headstrong to understand that all fights cannot be fought except the fight with oneself. That is the only one that cannot be walked away from. I am not the one who needs protection. It is him. Thank you for being clearheaded. The gift of clarity. One day I will possess it too, then you will all be in trouble I tell you Jxxx
@oftheherd, thank you my friend for putting these points so well My son is more than aware of what is what, yes and the remaining alternative is transplant. I like your positive outlook and I am so glad that you are feeling healthier after such a major op. You are made of resilient stuff for sure Yes, I am on my own, that is the deal and so straight talk is what I am after for how to deal with a young man who has the conceit of teenage telling him that he has the whole world figured out and can see into my future. I am grateful, you are a decent person to take the time to post here, thank you again my friend. Do you know any verses that come to mind or anything? xox
@@KempoGuy06, dear B, yes I am like you with the blah blah, sometimes it is nice to have a person to say, hey you there, you are right! bleep them all if they are casting aspersions, their opinion is of no import. I am grateful to you for doing this even if it is from afar, means a lot Hey you are one to make me think. You are correct and I am torn because I do what any parent does to protect their babies because he is my whole life and yet I must step away from his corner and allow life to rough him up because it is for his own good. I do not like this one bit, fact I hate it. Yet I know it is the right thing. It is hard and but it is right. You have made me think straight and I will remember you favourably for this. Thank you xox

 

[KempoGuy06]

Thank you all, I appreciate every word and I am soooooooooo grateful for your straight dope and no BS like this and so forgive me that I keep replying I am just trying to say thank you!!! and let you know that I am paying attention and your words mean something, quite a lot

@@KempoGuy06, dear B, yes I am like you with the blah blah, sometimes it is nice to have a person to say, hey you there, you are right! bleep them all if they are casting aspersions, their opinion is of no import. I am grateful to you for doing this even if it is from afar, means a lot Hey you are one to make me think. You are correct and I am torn because I do what any parent does to protect their babies because he is my whole life and yet I must step away from his corner and allow life to rough him up because it is for his own good. I do not like this one bit, fact I hate it. Yet I know it is the right thing. It is hard and but it is right. You have made me think straight and I will remember you favourably for this. Thank you xox

Again no problem. This community is here for FAR more reasons than to help people learn about MA's. It supported me when i was injured and though id never train again. The least i can do is try to pay it forward.

Let me correct you a tiny bit. In no way, at any point were you not "thinking straight". You were thinking like a mother, which by most definitions (i say most simply because there are nut jobs out there that say they were acting like a parent while performing unspeakable acts on children. just making sure i distance myself from them) is the right way to think. Everyone knows you first priority is to your son, no one will ever fault you for that. If they do, well im pretty sure you know what to tell them.

You were simply not thinking objectively. How could anyone expect you to? How could anyone blame you if you didnt? Again you are a mother, i have yet to this day met a mother that has made an objective decision when it came to their son, or daughter for that matter. I would bet that statement applies even more to a father/daughter scenario.

Keep you head up.

B

 

[Brian King]

In the book “the Noticer” by Andy Andrews the main character of the book Jones is having a conversation with a man that is a worrier. It is an interesting conversation. Snip/

“Well, that's why smart people get tripped up with worry and fear. Worry...fear...is just a misuse of the creative imagination that has been placed in each of us. Because we are smart and creative, we imagine all the things that could happen, that might happen, that will happen if this or that happens. See what I mean?”

/snip
A bit later in the conversation, he (Jones) shares a worry formula discussing the futility of worry by percentages.

· 40% of the things we worry about will never occur.
· 30% of the time, we worry about things that have already happened.
· 12% of our worry is about needless imaginings about our health.
· 10% would be petty-little-nothing worries about what people think.
· 8%, “legitimate concerns.”

The legitimate concerns, according to the Jones character,

“are things that can actually be dealt with.” Then he said, “Most people spend so much time fearing things that are never going to happen or can’t be controlled that they have no energy to deal with the few things they can actually handle.”

It is an interesting perspective. It gives permission to worry but tries to limit that to worrying about things within our control, and that we can deal with to lesson the worry. I also like the old quip about FEAR. False Evidence Appearing Real. Some things need to worried about and addressed, others all the worrying in the world wont adjust or change. Your son is worried and has every right to be worried in my opinion. Any surgery can be dangerous and folks need to be prepared. The worry can be a call to action and that is often good as long as the worry is directed and focused where it needs to be.

Lots of perspectives and sharing in this thread. What a great community we belong to and you are a big part of Jenna. If I can make one further suggestion. Write your son a letter, now, today-and give it to him today. ALL parents should do this. Yup, they are teenagers and will often be nonchalant and act like they don’t care, but they will read them and hold on to them. This is NOT a if I die letter or if you are reading this it is because I am gone letter. It is some words and thoughts that they can hold onto and reread all through their life. It is I am proud of you and I love you note. It is a description of hopes and dreams from when firstborn and how that journey has progressed till now, combined with hopes and dreams of family and successes in the far future. I say that every father and mother should tell their daughter they love them and are proud of them in a written note that the child can keep with them, they should tell their son’s how proud they are of them and the young men they are growing into. How their young one is becoming a needed and productive part of society. How they have already changed the world and will continue to do so. Make a habit of writing these letters at least once a year, at Christmas, birthday or some other anniversary give it to them (the first one give right away). It is important that the young one know how their parents feel about them. Written words have a different power than the spoken, a staying power. The spoken word is important and should not be neglected but nor should the written words. Jenna, you have some motivation in writing the note, but, that is a blessing perhaps. Others might put it off until tomorrow only to pass tonight, never sharing their words of praise and hope. What a gift that note can be to the youngsters.

Good luck with the surgery Jenna. Prayers lifted and God Bless.
Warmest Regards
Brian King

 

[Brian King]

I will add that as men we are programmed to fix things. It does not matter if 4 or 104 give us a hammer and some WD40 wrapped in Duct tape and we can fix the world. Your young man wants to fix this and cannot. That feeling of helplessness is awful and spirit robbing. Let your young man 'fix' what he can. This will be a battle and uneasy for you as you are also a fixer Jenna. It can seem weakening and scary but it does not have to be thus, it can be empowering for the both of you.

Brian

 

[shesulsa]

Jenna, I'll be thinking about you and praying for you and your young one until next we hear from you. Kick that problem in the *** and we will be hear cheering you on!

*Gets hi-ball glasses out and passes them around*

Prepare yourselves for your next toast - one to victory for Jenna!

 

[WC_lun]

I don't pray to any diety, but I'll definitley be thinking about you and wishing you well. See you soon.

 

[KempoGuy06]

Good luck Jenna!! You are in my thoughts!!

B

 

[bugatabugata]

Hun, he loves you and he's worried about you. (Hopefully, I'm way late to the thread and everything's honkey-dorey by now.) He'd be worried about you if you had a bad case of toe jam! You raised a boy that adores you and that's something to be proud of!