Daddys Rules for Dating

[Drac]

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history,
lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.


NAME_____________________________________

DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
____________________________________________________________
_
____________________________________________________________
_________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________
________

____________________________________________________________
________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)



ESSAY SECTION:

In a minimum of at least 50 words, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

____________________________________________________________
__

____________________________________________________________
__

In a minimum of at least 50 words, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER'
mean to you?

____________________________________________________________
__

____________________________________________________________
__

In a minimum of at least 50 words , what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

____________________________________________________________
__

____________________________________________________________
__


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want shot would be:

____________________________________________________________
__

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

____________________________________________________________
__

C: A woman's place is in the:

____________________________________________________________
__

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

____________________________________________________________
__

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

____________________________________________________________
__

____________________________________________________________
__

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

____________________________________________________________
__

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non- sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since
you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.



Daddy's Rules for Dating

Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of
your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open
minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to
the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big,
and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes
do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my
daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing > a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is
an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, onceyou have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting
the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't
you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-
shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or
sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are
okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-
aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am
the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where
you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel,
and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices
in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to
bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you
should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the
perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no
need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine

 

[MA-Caver]

I have a friend who has two daughters and he has two simple rules...
Pick her up at 7 pm and have her back by 8:30 pm not 8:31 pm or even 8:30:02 seconds, and this is accompanied by the ratcheting sound of a 12 gauge being chambered.

Simple.

Oh and if she's back on time then a handshake will be allowed.

 

[foggymorning162]

A friend of mine has a little girl, she's only two now but he say's she's not allowed to date until she gets her master belt. Oh did I mention fed. rules say you have to be 25 to get your master belt:uhyeah:

 

[Xue Sheng]

My daughters are notold enough to date but I am making a copy of that and keeping it for when they are old enough to date...which should be by the time they are 40.

 

[BrandonLucas]

I'm printing a copy of this out as I'm typing this...I have identical twin girls on the way, so I'm going to need multiple copies....and multiple guns.

 

[zDom]

My daughter (at about age 10) suggested that she wouldn't be interested in dating until she graduated from college. I agreed that it sounded like a grand plan and that I would be holding her to it

I've also decided for anybody interested in dating my daughter that, in order to be eligible, we should get to know each other by his participation in a few weeks of hapkido class with me.

 

[Xue Sheng]

I've also decided for anybody interested in dating my daughter that, in order to be eligible, we should get to know each other by his participation in a few weeks of hapkido class with me.

I like this... I think I will have to tell them if they are interested in dating my daughters they will have to train Sanda with me for a few weeks...their the tree :EG:

 

[zDom]

I like this... I think I will have to tell them if they are interested in dating my daughters they will have to train Sanda with me for a few weeks...their the tree :EG:

:rofl:

 

[grydth]

This is a wonderful document. It could be improved upon only by clarifying that the penalty for any infraction is death. When my daughters are allowed to date in 20 years, I will use it.

My ambition is to have the local high school boys sitting around the cafeteria, asking each other why it is that all the hottest looking girls have the most insane and violent fathers?

 

[Brian R. VanCise]

Now mind you I think it is a brilliant document. :rofl: However, I have only boy's so I feel that they should not be discriminated against like this.

Look back on your past dad's and understand that you need to lighten up and let the young ones..... behave just like you did! :erg:

Just kidding. When the girls are dating age the nightmare begins! Enjoy!

 

[Brian R. VanCise]

I never said I did not have a mean streak Dad's! :rofl:

 

[artFling]

Speaking as a dad whose daughter is fifteen, dating is a notion which needs to be buried. Dating has been a complete and total failure in these United States of America and everywhere in the world I'm sure. As Americans we need to be smart enough to figure out a better way for young people to get to know each other. :shrug:

 

[Andy Moynihan]

This is a wonderful document. It could be improved upon only by clarifying that the penalty for any infraction is death. When my daughters are allowed to date in 20 years, I will use it.

My ambition is to have the local high school boys sitting around the cafeteria, asking each other why it is that all the hottest looking girls have the most insane and violent fathers?

I'm for that!

I have no interest in children of my own but have helped out family members/friends as "Uncle Andy" from time to time.

Sounds like the perfect excuse to take the weapons out for fieldstripping/cleaning out on a bench in the driveway on date night!

"Keep drivin', kid. You don't wanna stop here".

 

[Drac]

I'm for that!

I have no interest in children of my own but have helped out family members/friends as "Uncle Andy" from time to time.

Sounds like the perfect excuse to take the weapons out for fieldstripping/cleaning out on a bench in the driveway on date night!

"Keep drivin', kid. You don't wanna stop here".

We use to threaten my Niece with that..Then she became a Marine and that ended the empty threats from her Dad and I....LOL

 

[MBuzzy]

I'm glad that I have a sword and a gun. If we have a girl...I fully intend to make the perspective boyfriends cry! hehe, well....maybe not, but I'll try.

 

[foggymorning162]

My son still thinks girls are gross but I think his opinion is changing fast. Have no fear though he'll be a good boy or I'll hurt him myself.

 

[BlueDragon1981]

Sounds about right. I tell my daughters they are not dating till they are 35. My 7 yr old said she had a boyfriend. Now I know it is just a kid thing but I told her that he has to come talk to me. She told him that and he didn't want to....lol. I already have them scared.

 

[BrandonLucas]

Sounds about right. I tell my daughters they are not dating till they are 35. My 7 yr old said she had a boyfriend. Now I know it is just a kid thing but I told her that he has to come talk to me. She told him that and he didn't want to....lol. I already have them scared.

Haha!! That's awesome...put the fear in them while they're young.

 

[thardey]

No exaggeration -- on my very first date, ever, (My parent's dropped me off, and it was a "group date") I walked in the door to meet her parents, and her dad was sharpening all of his knives and bow hunting broadheads.

I still remember the conversation:

"What's your name?" *schliiick* *schliick* "How did you meet my daughter?" *schliiick* *schliick*. . . and so on.

I took it square in the teeth, though, and started talking about bowhunting instead.

Apparently that was a good move, because he put down the sharp instruments to show off his bow!

I'm convinced to this day that he did it on purpose.

 

[zeeberex]

seems fair to me