12 year-old stalker

Loki said:
When my mom said he told my sister "give me a chance, if you don't want me afterwards, I'll understand", it got me thinking. If she agreed to be his girlfriend conditionally for a week, it'd make sense for him to accept rejection afterwards. It seems no different from the case of John Searing (mentioned in de Becker's book), who sent a total of 800 letters to the staff of "The Tonight Show" in an effort to appear and say "Heeeeeere's Johnny!". He was eventually granted his wish and never bothered them again afterwards.

I just checked the book to confirm what I thought.

The story of Searing can be found on pages 157-9 in my paperback edition.

One thing that is very different from his case and the case of the 12 year old is that Searing never ignored a call to stop writing letters. At the bottom of page 158 continuing on to 159 DeBecker points out, "it is interesting to note that The Tonight Show made no effort to stop Searing from writing letters."

In this case, the kid was told that there was no interest and still kept on coming. I don't like to use psyco- babble speak, but it sounds like he does not respect other people's boundries. He thinks he can ignore a person saying no and wear them down with persistence.

And you want to reward that behavior and expect him not to continue with something that has worked for him in the past?

I can't find it right now, but there is a story that DeBecker tells in the book about how he flew on a plane and noticed a guy with prison tattoos putting the move on a woman. While waiting for luggage, he took the chance while the guy was out of the area for a second to tell her something like, "he is going to make a suggestion that you don't want to do and will not take no for an answer."

This kid is not taking no for an answer. No means no. As a father there is no way a kid who does not listen while my daughter says no is going to come near her. If she had not let it be known that she was not interested, then things might be different. But once the line is drawn in the sand, anyone who does not respect the will of the other person is not one that should be encouraged, rewarded or even treated like a fully evolved human.
 
Remember when it was normal to have a 6th grade crush on a girl? Now we file for restraining orders. Isn't progress great? Of course in the old days if someone got "too" obsessed with a girl, her older brother just beat him to pulp after school, and that pretty much ended that.
 
The guy needs to learn what "no" means. Going out with him would make him MORE obsessed, because it would give him a taste of what he wants. Get the parents, teacher, and school principal together and give the kid a lesson on appropriate behavior.

She needs to ignore him. Completely. Give him no response whatsoever. If she gets an ICQ, she needs to just pretend she didn't see it.
 
Loki said:
My sister, a 6th grader, has a classmate who's either crazy about her or thinks he is (no real difference). She's not really interested in the guy, but he won't let go: he call her up, talks to her on ICQ, buys her presents, send her love notes, etc. This has been going on for about six months. My sister has no idea what to do, since she doesn't want to hurt him, but doesn't want to be with him either.

I take a bit more interest in this I'm currently reading de Becker's "Gift of Fear", the part on stalking. He's not a violent kid and doesn't show any intent of being violent. Disconnecting entirely is not an option since they learn together.

When my mom said he told my sister "give me a chance, if you don't want me afterwards, I'll understand", it got me thinking. If she agreed to be his girlfriend conditionally for a week, it'd make sense for him to accept rejection afterwards. It seems no different from the case of John Searing (mentioned in de Becker's book), who sent a total of 800 letters to the staff of "The Tonight Show" in an effort to appear and say "Heeeeeere's Johnny!". He was eventually granted his wish and never bothered them again afterwards.

While of course she has to explain very clearly in advance that it's for a week only and that she's not guaranteeing anything, isn't it worth a shot? If he still continues afterwards, she can then discontinue contact (cold turkey style) to the greatest extent possible, and if that doesn't work, considering his age, have my mom talk to his.

Your thoughts on the matter are welcome.

I'm not sure what the most appropriate action to take is, but I can definitely say the one week of dating is a bad idea. If anything, it'll just make him want her even more afterward, which will mean even more pressure from his end of the deal. And let's face it, we're talking about a 12-year-old, how likely is he to curb his enthusiasm after the week's over in his pursuit?

I think that if the girl's sure she's not interested in him in any dating sense, she should tell him that, although not confrontationally; it'll probably hurt him to hear it enough as is. Although since he's 12, the hurt will probably last all of 5 minutes.
 
Thing about stalkers.. they don't understand no very well, and aren't very good at moving on. 12 years old? They also come in all ages and genders...

Do what you can, talk to who you have to, hopefully the kid can get some help and not continue this into adulthood where he can be as nuts as he wants and until he breaks the law nothing will be done...
 
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