This comes from 'Punch', the British humor magazine, with regard to Bartitsu...
http://tiny.cc/oHbGa
Punch, Volume 110. 1899.
FOREWARNED; FOREARMED !
Or, The New Art of Self-Defence.
It was in the dead of night, and I awoke to hear stealthy movements below, and to smell the fragrance of an excellent cigar one of my own. I instantly realised that there was a burglar in the house, and remembered that I was the only male inmate, but it never occurred to me for a moment to lock my door and hide under the bed-clothes. On the contrary, I welcomed an encounter in which I knew that all the odds would be on my side. So, just is I was, in my pyjamas, without a poker or anything, I slipped down to my study (where the smell of cigars seemed to come from), and walked in. There was the burglar, just mixing himself a second whisky and soda. He was rather a bigger burglar than I had expected but that was immaterial to me. A selection from my plate-basket lay ready for packing on the table by his side.
"I fear," I began, with withering sarcasm, "I am interrupting."
"If I was you," he replied, with perfect composure, "I should be more afeared o' ketching cold in them things."
"Never mind that," I replied. "I come for a purpose. I think it is only fair to warn you at once that you are practically a lost man."
"None o' that, guv'nor!" he said, and sprang to his feet. "No whistling fur no cops, or else - !"
"I shall not summon any police," I said, with a quiet consciousness of power." I shall deal with you single-handed!"
"Will yer, now?" he replied, looking me up and down. "Lor! Fancy that!"
"You are probably thinking," I said, divining his thoughts at once. "that I don't appear a very formidable antagonist?"
"Well," he said, "yer don't look no bloomin' Sandow, and that's a fact. Still, yer may be a reglar little lion, like, when yer aroused. Or agin, yer mayn't. There's no tell'n!"
"Before we put it to the test," said I, "I feel bound to mention that I am the master of a new system of self-defence which places you entirely at my mercy. You may spare yourself considerable pain, and even a broken pone or two (for I shall not hesitate to go to any extremes) if you yield at once."
"Let's see what you can do fust," he said.
"You shall," I replied. "I will begin by showing you a method of conducting 'an undesirable person' (for Ï must say I consider you a most undesirable person) out of a room. I shall take you into the drawing-room, where we shall have more room for experiments.
With these words, I suddenly seized him, to his unfeigned surprise, by the left wrist with my left hand, and pulled him towards me; then, turning sharply on my heels, I locked his arm in mine by a simple but effective manoeuvre, and marched him, unresisting, into the passage. "You see," I remarked, pleasantly (for there was no use in losing my temper with the poor devil), "I'm putting a strain on your joints which they are, anatomically and mechanically, unable to resist. If you struggled, I could easily break your elbow."
"I thought you was goin' to take me into the drawing-room?" was all he said. "Upstairs we're goin'."
I had already noticed it. "The principle's the same," I said. "You've had to leave the room, anyhow."
"Right," he said, "but we don't want to go wakin' up people with these 'ere parlour games o' your'n. Let's go back, en?"
And somehow, whether by the unconscious influence of my will or from other causes, I did find myself back in the study shortly afterwards." I think I forgot one of the directions," I said. "I altered the position of my legs I ought not to have done that."
"Ah," he said, "I thought yer left sumthimk out. D'yer know any more little tricks like that?"
I remembered a rather neat way of "overthrowing an assailant who attempts to strike you in the face." " Yes," I said, "just try to hit me in the facedon't be afraid."
"I don't want to 'urt yer," he said.
"Do as I tell you," I said, imperiously. He struck out not a very formidable blow and I guarded with my left, so as to receive the blow on my forearm (which I did, quite correctly).
"Now observe what follows," I said, smiling. "I slip my hand, with a quick, clean movement, up your arm, grasp you by the wrist, and - "
"And what?" he asked.
I was obliged to admit that perhaps I had not made sufficiently sure to "grasp my adversary at the first attempt." "However," I added, "you see the general idea of the thing."
He said he saw that, and thought it first-rate. "Now," said I, "I'11 show you another little dodge. Just catch me from behind and pinion my arms."
"Like this 'ere?" he said. He was holding me rather too tight, but I said it would do very well.
"I'11 tell you exactly what I propose to do," I explained. "I shall bend my knees first, which will cause your hold to slip over my shoulders. I shall next free my arms, a movement which, according to my instructions, I shall probably have no difficulty in executing, drop on my right knee, pull you over my shoulder, and deposit you on the ground before me with a heavy thud - Now!" ....
There was a heavy thudbut he didn't make it. I don't know when I have been more surprised.
"It's very singular," I could not help saying, "but by all the rules, I ought to be on top of you!"
"Ah," he said, philosophically, as he sat on my chest, "things will 'appen rum sometimes. Like to try it agin?"
"No, not that one," said I; "but there's rather a pretty trick I could teach you, if you'll let me get up."
"Allays willing to learn, guv'nor," said the Burglar, and assisted me to rise.
"Turn your back to me," I told him, "and let me seize you by the collar. You will find that, without any exertion of strength on my part, I can throw you. I'11 tell you how I do it afterwards."
He obeyed, and I placed one foot just behind his knee, and pressed and pulled simultaneously, which should have deposited him instantly on his back. But either I pressed harder than I pulled, or pulled harder than I pressed all I know is that I presently found myself turning some kind of somersault over his head.
"You fell very clever that time," said the Burglar, gravely. A coarser nature might have been tempted to smile; but, criminal as he was, the man was not without natural good-breeding. "'Ow d'yer manage to do it without 'urting yourself?"
As a matter of fact I had not managed to do so. I doubt if it would have been possible; but I said carelessly that it was just a knack. "But that's nothing," I added. "I must show you one more dodge: you lie down on the floor and let me get hold of your foot, and see what happens."
What ought to have happened was that I should, by twisting his foot, have turned him over on his face, then held him behind the knee, and exerted leverage so as to force his foot backwards which would have rendered him utterly powerless. What actually did happen was that he kicked me rather severely in the stomach. "Why, you ain't done!" said the Burglar, "Lord! I'm just beginnin' to enjoy myself, I am!"
But I was getting a little discouraged. "No," I said, "we won't play any more, I think. To tell you the truth, I've been rather taken in by some articles in one of the magazines by a man called Barton-Wright. He calls his precious art of self-defence 'Bartitsu' - I call it confounded rot!"
"It ain't rot," said the Burglar, "it's all right enough, that is!" "It can't be," I said, "if it had been, you wouldn t have had a chance against me!"
"You done very well for a beginner," he said, kindly, "and you're game enough. But, yer see, I've bin readin' up them roles too, and practisin' of them wiv a pal, so it 's no bloomin' wonder."
I wrung his hand warmly I couldn't help it, so touched was I by the chivalrous delicacy with which he at once restored my self respect and my belief in Mr. Barton-Wright.
"Thank you," I said, "you're a good fellow for telling me. I could not understand why I wasn't more successful!"
"Don't you fret, guv'nor!" he said. "If ever I seen a morril vict'ry in this world, it was you won it. And now I won't keep you up no longer. Don't come to the door in them pijammers. I can let myself out."
I was so pleased with the honest fellow that I actually reminded him he was forgetting the plate, and he was so pleased with me that he positively declined to carry off anything out a spoon and fork as a souvenir.
It is true he chose the only two which had a hall-mark; but I do not grudge them to him. For now I know that I really can rely on Mr. Barton-Wright's system in any emergencies of this kind. And that, to a man like myself, of small stature and no particular physique, is such an inexpressible comfort.