my boyfriend feel humiliate because of me have I been too far??

Discussion in 'General Martial Arts Talk' started by belinda49, Jan 20, 2021.

  1. belinda49

    belinda49 White Belt

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    Hi

    At first I need to apologize for that terrible english but, as u did guess, it's not my native language.

    So Im a beautician and my boyfriend, for 3 years now, just become policeman. All is great but with the job, daily things to do, my yoga… I struggle to get some time with him To fix that, we did decide to make some sport together. Few month before the pandemy… What was the more complicated was to find a sport that can fit for both of us. I wanted salsa but he refuses, he wants tennis but i hate racket sport… So finally after hours of search and discussion he proposed me judo. I first refuse it but because I see we were blocked I said ok let’s try it…

    Finally, after a dozeon of lessons, we both had fun going there. I had the feeling to improve and feel really good practicing. We were on the same club, same training but we had our partner for the “fight part” in the end of the lesson. With the covid, we can’t go anymore, so a few days ago, he asked me to practice at home. Sure why not? We used a mat for safety and worked on the moves as in training. After one hour he challenged me in a friendly match, like for the normal session “if I dare” and he’ll show me “who’s the boss, it’s not like polish nails or yoga things…”, "let's fight fatty". Im a bit overweight (1m72 for 80kg of full love) but it has never be a problem for me, i accept me as I am and im ok for gentle teasing. I do it too for policemen..

    We hang each other kimono and turn around. I quickly noticed the previous exercices tired him more than me. I pull his sleeve, to the left, to the right, I straighten my leg out and fall on him to the ground. He struggle to escape but I hold his wrists, i pin him and count to 10 (we need to pin the opponent 10 sec to win). I gently tease him "ow your fatty got you badly babe" but it didnt make it smile...

    I help him to get up and we prepare for 2nd round."Let's go big boy show me what u got!" Now he seems really focus. I can't stop giggling while he seems really serious. He tried to crotch my leg but I counter him, he fall and so I lie on his back. I catch one his arm and bend it on his back. I can't stop my laugh and I tease him "you are under arrest young male for lack of respect to elders" ( I am 29 and he is 25 so Im his "old wife") then I lower his kimono pants and start to spank him, a bit hard, while laughing like a whale.

    I get up and can't stop giggling. I prepare for another round telling him "ready for another spank babe?" But he was mad saying "no no stop that" and leave the room.

    Well it seems silly for me at first but atmosphere is now so cold. He just ignore me, dont talk and isolate himself for 3 days now... I tried to talk him but he instantly get mad and leave the room... I asked him if it's because judo is said no and anyway that sport is sh*t and he doesnt want to do it anymore....

    I think i've been too far on my teasing but during the action I just find it funny and I didn't exept at all it could have hurt his ego... I regret so much that he can feel humiliate and hurt because of me


    Any ideas on how I can deal with that?
     
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  2. MartialMasterTeddy

    MartialMasterTeddy Yellow Belt

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    All i know about Japan is Nippon is it's Traditional name or title. To me, Nippon means Ribbon Cutting for new avant-garde Dojo. And Japan it's modern name. Land of Rising Sun is Japanese and Land of Sun is Bharatiya India. And Mohini Avatar is Japanese-Argentinean-Chinese-French.
     
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  3. belinda49

    belinda49 White Belt

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    I have absolutly no idea what ur talking about
     
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  4. Tenshin

    Tenshin Yellow Belt

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    My training partner is often my wife, reason being she is an experience martial artist.

    What I am getting is your boyfriend was humiliated and his ego bruised. I am thinking he wanted to train honestly and seriously and you wanted more to have fun. He most likely associates Judo with that experience of humiliation and that is why he doesn't want to do it.

    I think you should apologize to your boyfriend for making him feel bad and I think he should apologize for isolating himself from you.

    I think you might want to hold off doing Judo together for a bit and try some other activity together, but you 2 will have to start working on communication again.
     
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  5. Monkey Turned Wolf

    Monkey Turned Wolf MT Moderator Staff Member

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    Reading through it, my initial thoughts was that he was going to be overreacting. But I'm not so sure after the end. It reads like he was trying to actually practice and learn, and felt like you weren't taking it seriously, messing with him, and beating him while messing with him. I can see how that would both hurt the ego, and not want to practice with you anymore (personally, nothings worse than when I'm trying something seriously, and the person I'm working with is messing around). He was teasing beforehand, but not sure about afterwards.

    On top of that, but having already seen he's taking it seriously, and obviously this depends on your relationship, but the spanking seems too far. You already knew he was taking it seriously and/or upset, and your response was to take off his pants and spank him, which honestly is as humiliating/ego-bruising as it can get.
     
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  6. jobo

    jobo Grandmaster

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    to be honest id be looking for some else, do you really want a boyfriend you can beat up with out trying,,

    that like me having a girl frend who is a worse cook than i am, unless they have some undisclosed feature that makes up for the imbalance, they arnt worth the time and effort

    tell him, he solely responsible for domestic chores till he can beat you, that way he will either buck up or ship out
     
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  7. belinda49

    belinda49 White Belt

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    Hi and thanks for your answer,


    Yeah he seems to take it seriously but only after the first round but I didn't think it was a big deal because we regulary tease each others and no one take it seriously normaly. For the spank, I was caught in the action and find it funny at that moment. I was happy to take the upperhand and I thought he would be proud of me... I shouldn't have do that, I feel really silly now. I did slap pretty hard without realizing it. I stopped after he told me angrily to let him go.. Even at that moment I didn't realize he felt humiliated, Im so dumb..

    Any idea on how I could apologize without making him getting angry and leave the room? Any idea on what can I do to make him feel better?
     
  8. belinda49

    belinda49 White Belt

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    I don't care at all in fact I can "beat" him in judo :) that he can cook better than me and that I usually earn more than him. For me it has 0 importance :)
     
  9. Monkey Turned Wolf

    Monkey Turned Wolf MT Moderator Staff Member

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    This depends largely on your relationship dynamic/both of your personalities, but what would probably be the best if something like that happened to me, and I reacted in a similar way; a simple apology, explain that you got caught up in the moment and you'll try to take it seriously in the future, you didn't mean to act that way (probably avoid using the word humiliate or a synonym), and then just give me space and after a bit I'd come around. Like I said, that may not work with everyone, but would probably be the best response for me.
     
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  10. jobo

    jobo Grandmaster

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    clearly he doesnt feel the same, so apart from a weakling youve got a sulker on your hands full of resentment at your " success"

    that level of reversal of established gender roles, will out enourmass stress on his sence of self worth and thus the relationship, you must know this or you wouldn't be asking the question

    you could just let him win i suppose,
     
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  11. Tenshin

    Tenshin Yellow Belt

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    If you already apologize for it,
    And he is storming off and leaving the room
    Then you need to address how that is making you feel to him. I think you guys need to sit down and communicate, listen to his feelings, work together on solving the issues, avoidance and isolation is only going to make matters worse in my opinion.
     
  12. Monkey Turned Wolf

    Monkey Turned Wolf MT Moderator Staff Member

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    I almost included this in my reply but didn't. Letting him win would probably be the worst decision. If he realizes that she's letting him win after just losing twice in a row, fairly easily, that'll just get him angrier because now not only did she make light of it, she's pitying him.
     
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  13. Ivan

    Ivan Brown Belt

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    He sounds like a sore loser
     
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  14. MartialMasterTeddy

    MartialMasterTeddy Yellow Belt

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    I’ve seen pretty attractive policemen, young too, back in my younger old days. Like many you wonder what in the world is he doing as a police guy. Then you realized God placed him there.
     
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  15. drop bear

    drop bear Sr. Grandmaster

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    I used to get depressed when I lost rolls. But after a while I lost so many I got over myself.

    It is hard when you start and you get inconsistent results. If he sticks with it he will feel better about it.
     
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  16. jobo

    jobo Grandmaster

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    im getting the idea she is extremly competative, which is by no means a bad thing, unless your in a relationship where you are second best at everything, so she could just let him win a ludo, might address the ballance slightly
     
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  17. MartialMasterTeddy

    MartialMasterTeddy Yellow Belt

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    The perfect tumbling and rolling by the Redneck Sensei on YT is good drills IMO.
     
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  18. jobo

    jobo Grandmaster

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    master ted your posts are the best
     
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  19. belinda49

    belinda49 White Belt

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    In my opinion you have a very basic type movie vision of what a policeman do... There are millions in the world and all won't spend their days jumping from their car to another in a highway to stop criminals... Some make only investigations, administrative stuff, scientific things on crime scene...

    He did finish his police school formation having good general grades and im totally convince that he actually makes a very good job :)
     
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  20. belinda49

    belinda49 White Belt

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    You are right we are both competitive person but as u said it's not necessary a problem. If we had to play it together I won't let him win directly but maybe not playing 100% if I dominate too much the spar.

    For sure, my attitude was wrong and im convinced that if I haven't made that total dumbass spank until he shoot me to stop, he wouldnt feel that much bad... Instead I should have cheer him up and advice him instead of crushing his ego. It was wrong and childish123
     

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