K
Kirk
Guest
Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...
--Jack Handey
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...
--Jack Handey
Late-Night Jokes About France and War on Terrorism
"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag." David Letterman
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France." Jay Leno
"Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000 pounds. The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered." Jay Leno
"Broadway producers are saying that because of the war, musicals are suffering from weak ticket sales. Not only that, over at 'Les Miserables,' the French are refusing to take part in the revolution." Conan O'Brien
"There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon." Jay Leno
"A lot of Americans right now are angry at the French. In Washington, the cafeteria where the members of Congress eat announced that they have changed the name of 'french fries' to 'freedom fries.' Nothing like this has happened since the 1950s when 'russian dressing' changed to 'commie sauce.'" Conan O'Brien
"In protest of France's opposition to a U.S. war on Iraq, the U.S. Congress' cafeteria has changed french fries and french toast to 'freedom fries' and 'freedom toast.' Afterwards, the congressmen were so pleased with themselves, they all started freedom kissing each other. In a related story, in France, American cheese is now referred to as 'idiot cheese.'" Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Army personnel in Kuwait unloaded a dozen faulty tanks that only go in reverse. Tanks that only go in reverse they've been repackaged and sold to France." Craig Kilborn
"I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac." Dennis Miller (Click for more of Dennis Miller's rant)
"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq." Dennis Miller
"As you know our Allies of Evil are not being helpful with this Iraqi situation. With all due respect I think President Bush is handling this situation all wrong What Bush should do is send someone the French really respect, like Jerry Lewis." Jay Leno
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." Conan O'Brien
"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?" Jay Leno
"President Bush and National Security Guard Tom Ridge launched the new Department of Homeland Security, just 24 hours after taking us down to threat level French I'm sorry, I mean threat level yellow." Craig Kilborn
"President Bush has called for the end of the marriage tax calling marriage a 'sacred institution recognized by God and man.' Wow, this guy can't stop slamming the French." Craig Kilborn
"After what they say was an exhaustive investigation, the Defense Minister of France said today that Osama bin Laden is either still in hiding in Afghanistan, he may have escaped to Pakistan, or he may be dead. Hey, France, thanks a lot. We'll take it from here. Hard to believe they were invaded twice." Jay Leno
"French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly." Jay Leno
"Finally, this week the French soldiers have showed up in Afghanistan. Figures just like the French to show up after the hard work has been done." Jay Leno
"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag." David Letterman
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France." Jay Leno
"Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000 pounds. The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered." Jay Leno
"Broadway producers are saying that because of the war, musicals are suffering from weak ticket sales. Not only that, over at 'Les Miserables,' the French are refusing to take part in the revolution." Conan O'Brien
"There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon." Jay Leno
"A lot of Americans right now are angry at the French. In Washington, the cafeteria where the members of Congress eat announced that they have changed the name of 'french fries' to 'freedom fries.' Nothing like this has happened since the 1950s when 'russian dressing' changed to 'commie sauce.'" Conan O'Brien
"In protest of France's opposition to a U.S. war on Iraq, the U.S. Congress' cafeteria has changed french fries and french toast to 'freedom fries' and 'freedom toast.' Afterwards, the congressmen were so pleased with themselves, they all started freedom kissing each other. In a related story, in France, American cheese is now referred to as 'idiot cheese.'" Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Army personnel in Kuwait unloaded a dozen faulty tanks that only go in reverse. Tanks that only go in reverse they've been repackaged and sold to France." Craig Kilborn
"I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac." Dennis Miller (Click for more of Dennis Miller's rant)
"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq." Dennis Miller
"As you know our Allies of Evil are not being helpful with this Iraqi situation. With all due respect I think President Bush is handling this situation all wrong What Bush should do is send someone the French really respect, like Jerry Lewis." Jay Leno
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." Conan O'Brien
"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?" Jay Leno
"President Bush and National Security Guard Tom Ridge launched the new Department of Homeland Security, just 24 hours after taking us down to threat level French I'm sorry, I mean threat level yellow." Craig Kilborn
"President Bush has called for the end of the marriage tax calling marriage a 'sacred institution recognized by God and man.' Wow, this guy can't stop slamming the French." Craig Kilborn
"After what they say was an exhaustive investigation, the Defense Minister of France said today that Osama bin Laden is either still in hiding in Afghanistan, he may have escaped to Pakistan, or he may be dead. Hey, France, thanks a lot. We'll take it from here. Hard to believe they were invaded twice." Jay Leno
"French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly." Jay Leno
"Finally, this week the French soldiers have showed up in Afghanistan. Figures just like the French to show up after the hard work has been done." Jay Leno
Even more "French" Humor:
http://politicalhumor.about.com/cs/frenchsatire/index.htm
http://politicalhumor.about.com/cs/frenchsatire/index.htm
FiFi
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat".
The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?. I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong ***** out the window!"
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat".
The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?. I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong ***** out the window!"
Another version of the above joke
======================
During WW II, an American soldier had been on the front lines
in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week
of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south
of England, then caught a train to London. The train was
extremely crowded and he could not find a seat.
He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train
looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other;
there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat
only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog
sitting in the empty seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was
insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said,
"Can't you see my dog is sitting there"?
He walked through the train once more and still could not
find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady, I love dogs - I have a couple at home - so I would be
glad to hold your dog if I can sit down", he said.
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are
arrogant!" He leaned against the wall for a time, but was
so tiredhe finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines
in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all
that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?"
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and
arrogant, you are also obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up
the dog, threw it out the window and sat down. The lady was
speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting
across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know
if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not.
But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong.
You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork
with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong
***** out of the window."
======================
During WW II, an American soldier had been on the front lines
in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week
of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south
of England, then caught a train to London. The train was
extremely crowded and he could not find a seat.
He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train
looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other;
there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat
only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog
sitting in the empty seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was
insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said,
"Can't you see my dog is sitting there"?
He walked through the train once more and still could not
find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady, I love dogs - I have a couple at home - so I would be
glad to hold your dog if I can sit down", he said.
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are
arrogant!" He leaned against the wall for a time, but was
so tiredhe finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines
in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all
that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?"
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and
arrogant, you are also obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up
the dog, threw it out the window and sat down. The lady was
speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting
across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know
if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not.
But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong.
You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork
with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong
***** out of the window."
Kempojujutsu
Master Black Belt
This was a email that was sent to me by a friend.
1. We took Iraq in less time it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation.
2. It took less time to find evidence of chemical weapons in Iraq than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law firm billing records.
3. It took Teddy Kennedy longer to call the police after his Oldsmobile sunk at Chappaquiddick than it took the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destory the Medina Republican Guard.
4. We took Iraq in less time than it took to count the votes in Florida in the year 2000!
And the Democrats called the Iraq effort a failed plan?
Bob:rofl:
1. We took Iraq in less time it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation.
2. It took less time to find evidence of chemical weapons in Iraq than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law firm billing records.
3. It took Teddy Kennedy longer to call the police after his Oldsmobile sunk at Chappaquiddick than it took the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destory the Medina Republican Guard.
4. We took Iraq in less time than it took to count the votes in Florida in the year 2000!
And the Democrats called the Iraq effort a failed plan?
Bob:rofl:
